Hail and Well Met, Friend Transcript

"Please note this is currently the recording scipt. It needs some minor edits to match the published episode, especially noting the final sound effects and their timing."

BARD

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!



'''SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SUNKEN KINGDOM'''

BIANKA

This is insane! It's impossible to find a unicorn in the wild.

GILBERT

I have to say, I feel really good about the way things are going. We have the staff and a unicorn just fell into our laps. Well done, everyone.

SOUND: The unicorn WHEEZES, then COLLAPSES.

ALL

Oh my gods! / surprised noises

COLIN

You didn't come look for me-- Ooooooh...!

CAMILLA

What's wrong with it?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. You guys see it too?

<p style="text-align:center;">Somebody give me a hand up, I'm laying in my own vomit. Ugh.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Here. Are you alright?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Faendyr stands up, brushes himself off.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Not sure about Sparkles over there. Is it dead?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Go check!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know how to take a unicorn's pulse!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Fine. I'll do it.

<p style="text-align:center;">(under her breath)

<p style="text-align:center;">Bunch of babies.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: She walks over.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Will he be alright?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, kid. I'm afraid not.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(sad)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">If it's any consolation, kid, he looks like he was an old guy. He lived a long, full life.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't believe this. The gods hate us!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Now what are we going to do? We're not going to just bump into another unicorn.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose we could head back to Rippling Brook and--

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I will never deign to set foot in that hell hole again.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I have an idea. It's a little out there but bear with me.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">More "out there" than a grown man trapped inside of a stick?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You know Rodney can't defend himself.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">A... work acquaintance of mine lives near here.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">That's nice. And?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">He's a necromancer.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you serious?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It could work.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know. Necromancy... most mages won't touch that stuff with a 10 foot lance.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What are our other options?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We take some of its hair to give to Gwendolyn and we find a common horse and stick a horn on it for the zoological garden. My father will never know the difference.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But if unicorns are endangered, shouldn't we do everything we can to save one?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">He does have a point.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks, Dad!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ha. He called you dad.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're very silly, Other Dad!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Cool, so that's four to one.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You know necromancy has been banned in the Imperium since the Demon Wars. Because- oh you know- The Demon Wars.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">We're not in the Elven Imperium, though.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">And Kirkland didn't throw off the rule of the Imperium to let their magickal College make the rules in our own country.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on. Gil?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, but I have to save Rodney. And if that involves, necromancy, so be it.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Looks like you're still outnumbered, Stretch.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">"Stretch." Hilarious. I'm so glad you've joined our party.

<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever. Is this necromancer far? Cuz I don't know if you guys remember, but I'm injured.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're fine.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I have a concussion!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Walk it off.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">He's maybe an hour's walk from here. We should probably hop to it though, or our new friend is going to start to smell.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Speaking of... how are we going to get him there?

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Not it!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, Stretch.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I thought you were a Master of the Arcane? Just levitate him or whatever it is you mages do.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I can't propel him forward at the same time too!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You levitate him and I'll push.

<p style="text-align:center;">You know, maybe Bianka's necromancer friend can resurrect the Bard.

<p style="text-align:center;">BEAT.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">... Nah.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: MUSIC

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: TRANSITION

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 2. INT. GWENDOLYN'S HUT.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A HORSE approaches, stops. It WHINNES. It's rider DISMOUNTS. We hear their FOOTSTEPS as Gwendolyn talks to herself:

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooop, no you don't!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Smash, like a wooden mallet hitting a table. Glasses and plates jump.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Haha! Take that! Enjoy your bath

<p style="text-align:center;">(chuckle)

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: She drops something... someone? into water. A cauldron boils over.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Now where did I put that hemlock...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The rider knocks on the door.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Go away! I'm busy. Come back at the next harvest moon!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The door opens.

<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Gwendolyn.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. Lord Perfect.

<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Peerless.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">I was wondering when you'd come back. I trust you still haven't found your wayward fiancée?

<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">That was merely a ruse. Her majesty may fall into the Great Abyss for all I care. Frankly, that would make things easier for me.

<p style="text-align:center;">I have more important matters to attend to.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm all ears.

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I'm not literally all ears. Could you imagine? Wooof, eldritch horror alert!

<p style="text-align:center;">Anyway, what can I do ya for?

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">CROWS, maybe THUNDER. Generally OMINOUS.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, this certainly looks like a castle a necromancer would be at home in.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">So I have to ask, this friend of yours, is he an elf or...?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">He's human.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic! Let's just throw demons into the mix. Everything has been going so well, after all. What could go wrong?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Demons?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">They live in another dimension, like faeries, only... they're meaner.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Meaner than faeries?! Oooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Only elves can naturally use magic. If a human wants to, they have to make a pact with a demon.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Humans can't do magic?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Nope. Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But I can talk to animals. Isn't that magic?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh, Kevin!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(dad tone:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Why is there squeaking coming from your pocket?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's my bag... and I have no idea!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin's bag flap opening.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Have you had a rat in your satchel since we left Jade Reach?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Nice.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Not to change the subject- because we will discuss this later, kid- but as thrilling as it is to cast a levitation spell for the last hour and a half, it's a bit draining on the ol' mana reserves.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You can't handle maintaining a simple levitation spell?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm levitating a full grown horse. Not a Pomeranian.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What's a pomergranian?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Pomeranian. It's a miniature dragon breed.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I had a Pomeranian when I was younger. She had a fondness for disemboweling the servants.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Adorable. So, how do we do this, Bianka? We just go up and knock on the portcullis, or...?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh ho. No. Malphoreus will reveal himself to us.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">How?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, you'll see.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A magical SPELL taking effect. Sound of EARTH MOVING, MOANING.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What's going on?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Just watch.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Clanking BONES, moaning.

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">OOooooOOOOoooohhhhh!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh! A skeleton! Hail and well met, friend!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're pretty brave, kid. I've seen grown men turn tail and run at the sight of a skeleton digging itself out of the ground.

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">SILENCE!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry Steve. Didn't mean to ruin the effect there.

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">(his "normal" voice)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, hey Bianka!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, continue. I want them to get the full experience.

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah, sure thing! Anything for you Queen B.

<p style="text-align:center;">(clears his throat, then scary voice again:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of Malphoreus the Deathless! The bonds of time and mortality mean nothing to him! He has stared into the abyss and the abyss awkwardly looked away!! Turn back now if you value your sanity!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooh this is new.

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">("normal")

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I'm trying out something different. Too much?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I like it.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">(as if from the castle:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Steven! Are they gone?

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, no. I didn't know if you wanted me to run them off or...? I mean, it's Bianka and some friends though, so. And they have a floating horse?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus opens a PORTAL and appears before them.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(Surprised noises)

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! Where did you come from? Were you hiding? Ooh! Were you invisible?!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No child. I used my advanced grasp of magicks to bend space and time to create a portal and appear before you.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">As for you, Steven, you are no help at all. I don't know why I keep you around.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus SNAPS his finger. Steve collapses with a RATTLE OF BONES hitting the ground.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Steve!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry about him. He's already dead, what's the worst that could happen? Haha. Sorry, necromancy humor.

<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings. I am Malphoreus the Deathless.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey. Hi.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Did Steven get to the new bit about the abyss?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It was good, I liked it.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I must say, Bianka, I'm surprised to see you so soon. Unless I've become unmoored from this plane's space-time continuum again...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. No, I'm freelancing.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. I assume this floating, dead unicorn is the clue to why you're at my portcullis. Unless this is a new trend with you centennials. I haven't been keeping up with popular culture.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Can we speed this up? I'm dying here.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Then you've come to the right place. Haha. Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Malphoreus- I am the Crown Princess Camilla.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I am aware of who you are. You're on the money.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">This unicorn is a matter of national import.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">(skeptical)

<p style="text-align:center;">May I inquire how?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's all very hush-hush, I'm afraid.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I will lend you my aid, your highness. Provided this is not part of a petty tit-for-tat between Kings Alfred and Jeffrey.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">A necromancer has enough enemies without involving themselves in the politics of the physical realm.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">No no, nope. Haha no.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Come with me.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal opening.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Right this way.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You're really into portals, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I sold my soul to a demon, son. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal closing

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 5. INT. MALPHOREUS' STUDY.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">Potions BUBBLING. The sense of a smaller room in castle, stone walls, floors. MAGICAL yet DISCONCERTING ambiance.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to my castle. Specifically to my laboratory. Most who enter do not leave. Well, not alive and in their original body. Haha. Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Can I put this down?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, please do, on that runèd table there--

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Unicorn DROPPING on stone, heavy. Maybe a bone cracking.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Gently.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oops.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Let's see what we're dealing with here...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Something magical and strange.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. I have good news and bad news.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Good news, the corpse may still house a soul. However its own spirit has long fled. I cannot call it back.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">So that's it, we're just stuck with a dead unicorn?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I could pull a lost soul out of the Netherplane, but I understand if that's not--

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's not a problem.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">It's not? Most people want the original soul. For sentimental reasons, I'm told.

<p style="text-align:center;">Forgive the question, but have one of you died recently? I am sensing another soul. Purely professional curiosity, you understand.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean it was a close call for me back there.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait. Could it be Rodney?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">It's impossible for me to tell the identity without performing a complicated ritual. Which will be extra.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">A friend of mine, Sir Rodney, was turned into a root. This one here, actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I was wondering what that was about, but I thought it rude to inquire.

<p style="text-align:center;">I must say that is a very... odd use of magic. Wait, was it that no-good witch Gwendolyn?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! You know her?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Unfortunately. The magical community in the human kingdoms is small, most of us know each other. I'm surprised I've never heard of you before, master elf.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I keep a low profile.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that difficult with your height?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh)

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Nice.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Up high.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: They high-five.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Can you do anything?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I could easily make him shorter.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I mean about Rodney.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">The only thing that may undo the spell is one or more of the Unholy Relics. Grave objects of--

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, we know all this.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course.

<p style="text-align:center;">If you don't mind, I need a moment to call a departed soul to join with the body. Just-- stand over there. And don't touch anything please, I don't have time to explain what will entrap your soul and what will not.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus walks further into the room. The sound of pages flipping. As this is going on, a CAT walks in. A MEOW, BELL jingle.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! What a beautiful cat!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">(from further in the room)

<p style="text-align:center;">Careful, she's a demon.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, my grandfather had a tabby like that on the farm--

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No. She's an actual demon.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, what?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">(in the background, begins to chant to himself)

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A continuing sound of an eldritch SPELL TAKING EFFECT.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Would you like to know how you'll die, human?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't touch it, Colin

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, Cat-Demon, but I'd rather not.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Have it your way, mortal boy. But do be careful around cabbage carts.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(scared)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You okay, Colin?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm going to go hide under this table now. But not because I'm scared.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Be careful of the--

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GROWLING, something scary and unearthly.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">OOoooooh! I'll... just stand right here. Next to Faendyr.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Meow.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin scurries underneath Feandyr's robes. Heavy fabric moving.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Please don't-- what are you...? And you're under my robes.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not hiding or anything. I'm just, um, cold.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hi Cold, I'm Gil. Sorry, I had to.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Fine, kid. You can stay there, but if that rat touches me, I will disown you.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Be careful with my friend, elf.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin...?

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">No, you fool. An Unholy has chosen you. I sense a presence I have not felt in a long time.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, I'm not keeping it.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">It is both a blessing and a curse. Use it well.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You know, I don't think Malphoreus ever told me your name.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">You couldn't possibly pronounce it.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Your tag says "Snowball."

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(snorting)

<p style="text-align:center;">Snowball?

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Is this amusing to you, dwarf?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's just... "snowball's chance in hell"... And you're a demon? *ahem* It's a lovely name.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Soooo, Snowball. You could appear as anything in the universe. And you're a fluffy, white cat?

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">The ways of the demons are complex. We make our plans on the scale of millennia. Your measly three-dimensional brain could not possibly grasp our motivations.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you can't figure out how to return to your original form.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">... Perhaps.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">At the time Snowball approached me, I was living a solitary existence as a monk, living out my days in humble service to the gods, crafting healing elixirs and salves for ungrateful peasants.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Peasants are the worst.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I believe they caught the plague just to try my nerves. However, my true interests lay in the darker, more arcane magicks. Snowball first tried to tempt me in the form of a beautiful woman, then an attractive man. When she finally discerned I have no desire for carnal temptation, she enticed me with the companionship of a soft and adorable cat. Which, to her credit, worked.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes yes yes. Thank you all so very much for bringing that up.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(under the robe)

<p style="text-align:center;">You're welcome.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Servant! I require wet food. Now.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Not now, Snowball. We have guests. And din-din isn't until vespers.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">(annoyed meow)

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, no further interruptions. I must concentrate. This is the fun part. For me that is. Haha.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The spell becomes more intense. Maybe the moaning of ghosts. Something otherworldly.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">So what's the deal with this Rodney guy? I mean, why are you guys going to all this trouble to help him?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It's kind of like... my job?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's part of my character arc. You know, the Hero's Journey?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You seriously think you're the hero?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">(from further away in the room)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah! Yes, this soul will do nicely. It will only be a moment now.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What about you, "Sir Knight"?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's the right thing to do.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">But, are you like... friends or something?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. We know each other.

<p style="text-align:center;">(quickly)

<p style="text-align:center;">Not very well though. Just, um, professionally.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">He's kind of a jerk, honestly.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">A little bit, I guess. He's just very... um, passionate.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">He's a friend, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Almost done over there?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose. No one in this century appreciates art...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">He looks as dead as he did before.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">The process is complete. It takes a moment for a soul to acclimate to its new home.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">He's waking up!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">The process can be very jarring for a soul to discover they are in a new body.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">There's a reason you mortals don't remember being an infant.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Be prepared for anything!

<p style="text-align:center;">MUSIC: Maybe something dramatic, SUSPENSEFUL

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Woooooooaaaahhhhhh. How long was I out?

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Seriously? Uh, what? Ooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met friend! I'm Colin, what's your name?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh hey, lil dude. I'm Keanu.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">He says his name is Keanu.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks, Colin, but we can all hear what he's saying.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, this is my family- Gil, Faendyr, Bianka, Camilla and Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">GIL, FAENDYR AND BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh hi. Hello

<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's "Princess" Camilla, "Heir to the Throne of Kirkland", actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Nice. Man, I must've wiped out big time. I don't remember having hoofs. Or a tail.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Is this... normal? I mean the talking, and the... dialect?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Not at all.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic. Now we have a talking horse.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, I'm a horse?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Unicorn actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're very special! There aren't many unicorns left.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Niiiiice! I mean you'd think I'd remember that, but cool.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, I regret to inform you that your previous body has returned to dust.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Cool cool cool.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh: "idiot")

<p style="text-align:center;">No. You died.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Aw, major bummer!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">You died, and I reached into the ether and pulled your soul from the Netherplane, where souls rest before they find a new life. With my incomparable skill, I placed your soul within a new body, whose own soul had passed on to its next world.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Right on, bro.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You're just telling him all this?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Necromancers adhere to a very strict code of ethics.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">It's all cool, bro. I'd rather not be dead an' all.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you remember anything about your life before?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(seeming to remember)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm... Well... Nope.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Memories of your past life may return to you, in time. I can make no guarantees, however.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean I'm a zombie unicorn. I'm, like, pretty sure my past life was nowhere near as rad.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">That's one way to look at it, I suppose.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GROANING, CHAINS rattling from another room.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">If that's all, I really must get back to my work. The test subjects are getting restless.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, we'll leave you to it.

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you for your help.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">There is the matter of my compensation. Gauche as it may be.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Money. How are you going to pay me?

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Ohh... uh... hmmm... I mean I don't...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Tell you what big guy. The next job you need me for? It's on me.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Careful Bianka. Will the Inquisitor approve?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What the Inquisitor doesn't know won't hurt her.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well. The bargain is struck

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: THUNDER clap outside.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">That's odd, I was unaware that we were expecting storms.

<p style="text-align:center;">I would offer you a night's shelter, but you are likely safer outside of my castle's walls.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GROANING and RATTLING again, this time more vigorously.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">We'll get out of your hair.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Come on, Keanu! Let's get to know your new family!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Right on, lil bro.

<p style="text-align:center;">Sound: Horse HOOVES, GLASS BREAKING, things FALLING to the floor, etc. Snowball's ANNOYED MEOW

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, woah. Sorry. Not used to having four legs.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Another CRASH

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Or a horn on my face.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please! Stop moving! I will show you out.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Finger SNAPPING, Followed by PORTAL opening.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I gotta figure out how to do that.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, through here.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: PORTAL closing.

<p style="text-align:center;">IMMEDIATE CUT TO:

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">The companions arrive in the middle of a forest. It's raining pretty hard.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(react to the rain)

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose it was too much for Malphoreus to transport us somewhere dry.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh, my hair. I wonder if I can...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Faendyr attempt to CAST a PORTAL, but it's not right. It's too weak, fizzles out early, etc. Sound continues, along with page flipping.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm trying to cast a portal and get us out of the rain. I thought maybe ol' Flesh Eater here might help.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Is it?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bad portal again. (which continues off and on)

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Nope.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: BONES clanking as Steve approaches

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of--

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Steve, it's us.

<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Hey. Well, this is awkward. I'll just... bye.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: BONES collapsing

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">So, what's next, companions?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we have the staff and a unicorn.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, that's me!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We still need the other Unholy Relic.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">What was it called? The hungry ring?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">The Hungering Band.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">The Hungering Band and the Consumer of Flesh? I'm sensing a theme with the names of these things.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">If you're after the Hungering Band it's in Amaranthyne.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, Amaranthyne? Like, the capital city of the Elven Imperium Amaranthyne?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, the inconsequential gnome village of Amaranthyne. Of course I mean the Imperium capital.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Great. Fantastic.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What's wrong?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm just... not in a big hurry to go back, that's all.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, from here it's about a week's journey, so you have some time to prepare yourself.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(Griffin McElroy voice)

<p style="text-align:center;">Unless...

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE ELSE

<p style="text-align:center;">Unless?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bad portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Nevermind.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's pretty late. We did steal a Demon-powered staff and raise a unicorn from the dead. I think we can call it a day.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse you, I'm still the Crown Princess... I second everything you just said.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, you can share my tent!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks lil man!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, good luck with that, kid.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You know, it would be very useful if you could use your magic to set up camp.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(quickly)

<p style="text-align:center;">Who wants to set up the tents....!

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Not it!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on!

<p style="text-align:center;">... I gotta be faster on that.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Will the Companions continue their run of suspiciously good luck or will they do something to muck it up?

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course they will! Find out how next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

<p style="text-align:center;">CREDITS

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">'''AFTER CREDITS SCENE. INSIDE GILBERT'S TENT.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">Evening. It's raining, lightly. Perhaps we can hear snoring coming from other tents.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Late that evening, around the usual time that weird stuff happens...

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">Gilbert... Gillllllllbert...!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gilbert sits up from a dead sleep and draws a knife.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Who's there? Show yourself!

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">It's me, Rodney, you dummy.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that a sword or are you happy to see me?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, it's a knife actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">You didn't answer my question.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Where are you?

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm trapped in that stick, keep up man.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a root, actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm disappointed in you, Gilbert. You don't really want me to get out of this root, now do you?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't be ridiculous, I'm dragging myself across the continent on an increasingly ridiculous fetch quest for you.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">I've seen the way you look at that lady.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Camilla?? You have the wrong idea--

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">No no no. Not her Majesty. The tall one with the ridiculous dresses.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr? He's, um, a he.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh sorry, my bad.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Also he's been King Alfred's court mage for like three years. How have you not noticed him before?

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">He's not my type. I like a rugged man's man. As you know.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">So because you don't personally find him attractive you never noticed he existed?

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm berating you here. And my point stands. I've seen the way you look at him.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I have no idea what you're talking about.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">When you think I'm not looking.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods, you can see in there?

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">It'd make things pretty complicated if I got out of here, wouldn't it?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, hypothetically...

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">I can see into your heart, Gil.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No you can't.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes I can.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't believe you.

<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY

<p style="text-align:center;">I can too!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I think you're lying, per usual. You're a big lying liar! ...

<p style="text-align:center;">BEAT

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Rodney... Hello?

<p style="text-align:center;">... Well, this is awkward.

<p style="text-align:center;">BLOOPER

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">And then, uh, Michael, this is you at some point.

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh?

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. Um

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, this is-- remember Steve the Skeleton?

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">Steve the American Skeleton

<p style="text-align:center;">(Bridgette laughs)

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. He's actually American. Like, from our deminsion and stuff

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh really?

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">No. I dunno. I just made that up.

<p style="text-align:center;">SILVER

<p style="text-align:center;">Steve's backstory is the deepest of all the characters

<p style="text-align:center;">TATUM

<p style="text-align:center;">(crosstalk to Bridgette)

<p style="text-align:center;">I want Faendyr and Bianka to just go to toe-to-toe in sass, like...

<p style="text-align:center;">BRIDGETTE

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. Or like that we're fighting for position

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah they're like, "I'm sorry but there can only be one sassy companion and it's me."

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">Be like, they have a conversation that's only passive aggressive

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA and TATUM

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah

<p style="text-align:center;">(Tatum and Bridgette laugh)

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">END OF EPISODE