Truth Be Told Transcript

Please note this is taken from the recording script, and needs minor editing to match the published episode NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

'''SCENE 1. EXT. GATES OF AMARANTHYNE. [AUDIO FROM PREVIOUS EP]'''

SOUND: Keanu is GALLOPING full speed. GUARDS are in pursuit.

GILBERT

Keanu, stop! There's no way we can survive that fall!

KEANU

Okay!

FAENDYR

No- Keanu, full speed ahead.

KEANU

Okay!

CAMILLA

We'll be killed, you idiot!

FAENDYR

Not if I have anything to do with it.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no, no, no, no.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you trust me?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT & COlin & Keanu

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">No!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm reserving judgement.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold on to your butts, my dudes!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Keanu LEAPS. WIND Whistles

<p style="text-align:center;">BEGIN NEW AUDIO

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(scream)

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yaaaaayyyy!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">And they were all dashed on the rocks at the bottom of the cliff! Just kidding. Can you imagine? "They all died. The End. Thanks for listening!" Ah right. You want to know how it ends. So this is what really happened

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 2. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE (RIPPLING BROOK).'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Idyllic nature sounds for a moment (same ambient as Episodes 1-2), then:

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: PORTAL.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(screaming) <p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yaaaaayyyy!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Keanu comes through the portal with the Companions. They land with a thud, tumbling over each other.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Ow / Oofff / etc.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">That was fun! Can we do it again?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You did it, Faendyr! You actually cast a portal!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait... it worked?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * excited squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Is everyone okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhhh. Lemme check...

<p style="text-align:center;">(horrified)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my god!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What's wrong?!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Nevermind, I forgot I have four legs. I'm cool.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Bianka, are you alright?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. I'm pretty hard to hurt. I'm very dense. Physically, that is.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I legit thought we were going to die. I can't believe that actually worked.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You thought we were WHAT?!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">That's so cool!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It was probably Keanu!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, totally. Wait, what did I do?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Unicorn magic, Keanu! You probably enhanced Faendyr's magical powers and let him cast the portal!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah! Totally! Probably.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Where are we?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Honestly, I have no idea.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You have no idea?!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I was more concerned about actually casting the portal than where it was going, okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What if you had dropped us in the middle of the Glass Sea or dashed us onto the treacherous peaks of the Thundering Mountain?!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I didn't though. So. You're welcome.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold on. This place seems familiar...

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">(from far away:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, travelers from the skies! Welcome to Ripping Brook...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! I know where we are!

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">What may we-- Oh. Oh no.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">The feeling is mutual, trust me.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">We just finished burying the orcs...

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's been two months.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we had the artisanal cheese festival to prepare for and that had to take priority.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! The cheese festival was my favorite!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What is it with humans and cheese?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah I don‘t get it.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Never speak ill of cheese.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Cheese is the best thing ever.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Silence, infidels!

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">What is wrong with you??

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Then during the festival these three travelers came through. They caused so much trouble! The dwarf kept hitting on all of the plants, the elf swindled a bunch of villagers out of their coin - and the human just kept rushing into things. It took us weeks to fix all the damage they caused. I assumed they were friends of yours.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">We don't really do "friends."

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">And then! Lord Peerless came looking for the Princess Camilla and he was... very put out when he learned we let you leave with Olfga and her boys.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You didn't "let" me leave, you handed me over to them, you traitor.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooh. So that's how you ended up in Jade Reach.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">More or less.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I figured you couldn't have gotten there on your own. No offence.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, about that unfortunate incident--

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hi, I'm a unicorn.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, yes, I see that. Hello.

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry, your majesty, but we have to let Lord Peerless know you're here.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well.

<p style="text-align:center;">OTHERS

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Send your raven. Let him know I'm here.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">We... don't have carrier ravens.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I am shocked.

<p style="text-align:center;">(she's not)

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">We send him our messages via our monthly cheese deliveries. We inscribe them on our cheese rinds.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course you do. Well, better hop to it then.

<p style="text-align:center;">It will only take, what?, two days to reach his estate?

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Three, most likely. Our cows move very slowly.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We'll be on our way tomorrow, so they'd better hurry.

<p style="text-align:center;">Take us to your inn, we require a place to spend the night.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">We're a very small and inconsequential village. No one ever comes through here, well except for you all, evidently.

<p style="text-align:center;">That is to say, we don't have an inn.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sir Peerless will be very upset to hear you forced his betrothed to sleep out of doors. In the elements. At the mercy of marauding orc mercenaries.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">No, um, I'll- I'll let you sleep in my house. And before you say anything, I'll sleep outside.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Perfect.

<p style="text-align:center;">MUSIC: TRANSITION

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 3. INT. HEAD VILLAGERS' HOUSE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The door opens. The Companions walk in, expect for Keanu.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. This is depressing. No wonder that man is so miserable.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know. Reminds me of my parents' home.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">That is so sad.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey Stretch? Your privilege is showing.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It's not privilege, it's good taste.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(from outside)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey guys, what about me?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Can you fit through the door?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not a big fan of the indoors since that vampire, like, tried to eat me.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">In that case, see you in the morning, sleep tight.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(voice muffled by the door)

<p style="text-align:center;">Um yeah okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Make yourself comfortable, everyone. I'll get the cheese!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey bud, can I have some too?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin runs and opens a cupboard. Maybe the sound of him running back and forth and getting dishes and wheels of cheese.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin? You seem very familiar with this home.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">This was my family's house!

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE

<p style="text-align:center;">(wtf)

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Right here is the crawlspace my siblings would lock me in. See?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: small door opening

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">This space and I spent a lot of time together.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Your siblings locked you in a cupboard?!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You're an only child, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">And they pulled my hair and called me all sorts of cruel names! Even the babies.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)

<p style="text-align:center;">That's horrible, little dude.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's alright! That's how I learned to talk to rodents! And my whole family are long dead and rotted, so who has the last laugh now, hm?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeaking in agreement*

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE ELSE

<p style="text-align:center;">(yikes)

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey guys? ... Guys? I'm lonely.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Here!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Window opens

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You can stick your head in through this window!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Niiiiiice!

<p style="text-align:center;">(now inside)

<p style="text-align:center;">'Sup, my dudes?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait... so if you learned to talk to mice while you were locked in the cupboard, does that mean you talking to animals isn't magic then?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm around horses all the time and I can't speak their language.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Have you tried, though?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, no.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Speaking of magic.

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr, I believe you have some things to explain.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(nervous)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ha ha... yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What did the Empress mean by crimes against the Imperium?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Let me explain... No... let me sum up. Well, actually, it'd be better if I--

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">The short version, please.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Basically? I'm...

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's okay, you can tell us! You'll feel better when you do.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm... a fraud.

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin, I feel worse.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I knew it! I knew you had no idea what you were doing!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you need a hug?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I'm---

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hug!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks Colin.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're welcome.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not a total liar. I just... never actually graduated.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What's the big deal? I never completed school.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">And I still don't know what a schools is!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr was hired by my father to be his official Master of the Arcane Arts. It is an incredibly prestigious position. Anyone who claims that title must have spent at least a quarter of a century of study at The Mage's College.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">How many years did you complete?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ummm...

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Twenty?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Nooo...

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Ten??

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Less?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods, five?!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">One, actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Niiiiiiiice! You only need one year?!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">My father trusted you!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What happened?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I fully intended to graduate, I really did! But... then I kind of burnt down a wing of the College? Accidentally.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I understand. An "accident".

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No, it was an accident.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(wink)

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course. Sure.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">One of my responsibilities as a first year student was ironing the professors' robes. I thought ironing would be a lot easier if I used steam instead. You know, putting my enterprising mind to good use.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh huh.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">And I may have accidentally cast a fireball when I meant to cast a simple candle spell and... set the robes on fire?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">They are very flammable.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">They really are.

<p style="text-align:center;">And then the rest of the room caught on fire...

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oohh mannnn!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">And then the whole dorm wing. And well, so on. So, I, uh... just kind of expelled myself?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You fled the scene?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">... Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">So that's your crime?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Um... no. You know my grimoire? ... My magic book, Gil.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I knew what you meant.

<p style="text-align:center;">(he didn't)

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Here, Camilla, you read Elvish.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He slides the book across the table. Camilla opens it.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">"Textbook for Magic 101... Property of the Library at The Mages' College." This is a textbook?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">A library rental, specifically.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">So, you ran away from home with a stolen library book and showed up at my father's court calling yourself an arcane specialist with decades of training.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Centuries, actually. Go big or go home, right?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're not helping yourself, bud.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">And I didn't go straight to Kirkland. I did spend a couple years claiming to be an Elvish prince who'd fallen on hard times.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh man.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Which isn't entirely a lie! And in terms of the court mage thing, Alfred didn't ask for any references. I mean, that's just basic hiring practices right there, so this is kind of his fault if you think about it.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Really? You were there when your father started an international incident over some chickens.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Can we not bring the Chicken Affair into this?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you going to tell your dad?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I haven't decided yet.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I did save our lives.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">From a situation that you created!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">That's fair.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright Bianka. Your turn. Who do you work for?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">They're called the Keepers.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait... I've heard of them.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Really? How?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Honestly, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">The Keepers?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">They are obsessed with secrecy.

<p style="text-align:center;">People like me, Seekers, collect Unholy Relics. That's as far as my responsibilities go. I don't know what happens next, that's way above my pay grade. But I do know that they think keeping Relics out of the hands of mages will prevent another Demon War.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(it's all making sense now)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

<p style="text-align:center;">They believe they can control the fate of their dimension. Fools.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh, Fleshy!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you talking to your staff?

<p style="text-align:center;">UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

<p style="text-align:center;">They are like ants striving to divert the flow of a river.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">... No. Sorry, go on Bianka.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">The person I report to is called the Inquisitor. But they're not calling the shots. That's the Inquisitor General, and no one ever sees them.

<p style="text-align:center;">UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

<p style="text-align:center;">They believe by cowering in the shadows they can save themselves.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Listen- that's really all I know. And the less you go asking around, the better. As far as they're concerned, the ends justify the means. I mean, you met Olivier.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">He threatened Colin. That's why we fought.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">They don't really care what they have to do to get the Relics. But they're good at what they do.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Unlike us.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I mean, they're...

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Competent?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah? No offense.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I for one fully accept our shortcomings. Competent is not a word that I would use to describe us.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I, like, died and came back as a magical horse though? So I mean, I feel like I came out ahead.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">And I have a duchy now.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, the Princess and I are doing fine, thanks.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">My assignment was to extricate the Consumer of Flesh from the museum.

<p style="text-align:center;">Obviously, we all know how that went.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Why did you decide to help us?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Honestly? I don't know. Morbid curiosity? I was bored? Listen. I know how this looks, I'm not an idiot. The Keepers were just my ticket out of my old life. Which wasn't super, by the way. Money is money. For a lot of us in this world, we have to get it however we can. We can't be cute about it. Scruples don't pay the rent.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Exactly.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You stay out of this.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I can fix this.

<p style="text-align:center;">I know where the Hungering Band is. Keeper Richard-- that jerk who took the Relic-- he and I were meeting up with a mage who would transport us to headquarters. Tomorrow, it'll be at the gate to Jade Reach.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Why are you still helping us?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Isn't it obvious?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I need more than that.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You guys are going on a crazy convoluted fetch quest all around the continent just to help a friend. That means a lot to me.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I think there's a little more to it than that. At least for some of us. Right, Gil?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Something you want to share with the group?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">... No?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright. Let's talk logistics. Bianka, what weakenss do Richard and this mage have?

<p style="text-align:center;">UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you really trust the dwarf? Do you think she has your interests at heart?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, wait, wait. So that's it? We're all just cool with Bianka basically stabbing us in the back?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I came clean. What more do you want?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">This isn't some mechanical device you can just fix by turning a couple gears.

<p style="text-align:center;">How do we know this isn't a trap and she's still working for the Keepers and lying to us so she can bring Fleshy to them?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Please stop calling it that.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Truth be told? You don't.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I trust her.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course you do.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What's that supposed to mean?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You have a dwarf-shaped blind spot!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I will remind you that you are speaking to the Crown Princess of Kirkland. The Crown Princess who will decide if her father needs to know that his court mage is a fraud.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Fine. We'll give Bianka a chance to prove herself. But I swear to the gods if she's still lying...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay then.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Fine.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Good.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Good!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Great.

<p style="text-align:center;">(awkward pause. Keanu clears his throat.)

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, um... this is probably a bad time, but I, like, never got any of that cheese?

<p style="text-align:center;">TRANSITION

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 4. EXT. ENTRANCE TO JADE REACH.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">A sense of a wide, open space at some elevation. Same as episode 3. <p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. Here we are.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Where is here?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! This is where the giant metal giant lives!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The companions walk out of the portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You know, Stretch, it's too bad you didn't figure out how to cast portals like a month ago.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, that would have saved us like a ton of walking.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">If you keep complaining you can walk all the way back to Kirkland.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Keeper Richard should be meeting up with Keeper Waelynn at any moment. I'll distract them, while you all stay out of sight.

<p style="text-align:center;">Then Faendyr shoots some fireballs and Gil looks scary, and I'll make off with the Relic. Then we all portal back to the capital. The End.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sounds simple enough.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sure we'll find a way to mess it up. I mean, just going by precedent.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">True true true.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What do I do?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Stay hidden. And quiet.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But that's boring.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a very important job.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not a baby.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Footsteps further off.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">There's Keeper Richard. Get down. Waelynn should be up in a minute. Stay hidden until I give the word.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what's the word?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Pickles?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">... Sure.

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll be back.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: She walks away.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 5. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: An elevator approaches.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Dwarven gate opens.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">We have arrived at the surface level. We hope you have enjoyed your visit to Jade Reach. Please come again.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you for your assistance, as always.

<p style="text-align:center;">Hello, Keeper Richard.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Keeper Waelynn. I trust your mission was a success.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Just a few hiccups, but nothing I couldn't handle. And yours?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Dwarven gate closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">I have the Relic. I am unsure of Keeper Olivier's location. He was going to collect Uxellodunon's staff, but he wasn't at the rendezvous when I left Amaranthyne. And Seeker Bianka refused to accompany me.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">That's odd. Have you sent word to the Inquisitor?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Not yet. I assumed it would be a better discussion to have in person.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: BIANKA walks up.

<p style="text-align:center;">Scene 5.2

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Someone's coming.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey guys.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Seeker Bianka?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">I thought you said she stayed in Amaranthyne.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing here?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a crazy story, actually. Really convoluted. Woah. And long. So, so long.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">I'd like to hear it.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You would?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Very much.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. I doubt Keeper Waelynn wants to...

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't mind.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Ummmm are you sure? I mean, it's loooong. Super long. And kind of weird, honestly?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">We don't have to be back until vespers. And I love a good story.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Haha. Um. Okay. Well... Picture this: Inquistor sends me to Jade Reach. So, I start my day with a nice healthy breakfast. I've tried the new omletes, but just the egg white. Okay but anyway, moving on. I get to Jade Reach....

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 6. EXT. FURTHER BACK.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bianka spinning a tale in the distance.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, Gil. This is the last thing we need to get Rodney out of that root.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you excited?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Anxious more than anything if I'm honest.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Really?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, we don't know for sure if it will work.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Or if he's even still alive...

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">And if it does work... well, it's complicated.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What's going on over there?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhhh, looks like she's still talking.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Still? What's taking so long?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Come on Bianka, just grab the relic...

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold on. Are we supposed to distract them so she can grab it?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait no- did she say the word?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know, what was the word?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know. Wait, wasn't it pickles?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Or was it "sure"?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">No, that wasn't it.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(in the distance)

<p style="text-align:center;">PICKLES!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, did she say something?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(louder)

<p style="text-align:center;">PICKLES!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I think she did.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Was it "pickles" or "sure"?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">PICKLES! FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, PICKLES!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">She said pickles.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, fungus!

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 7. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you alright, Bianka?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Stop. What's that? Over there by that outcropping.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that a unicorn?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's probably just a mountain goat.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Are those people? Behind that rock.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It looks like a mage and a warrior. And...

<p style="text-align:center;">(Notices Colin; annoyed sigh)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods. Is that a gnome?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(in the distance)

<p style="text-align:center;">Roar!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(in the distance)

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow. They look like bad news. You should probably go. I'll take care of them.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">A moment. Isn't that the knight you were with, Bianka?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhh. No?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">It looks just like him.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean all humans look the same.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">They really do.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">No. It's him. I'm positive.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It can't be.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold on. That mage has a relic.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Bianka, isn't that the Consumer of Flesh?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Fungus. Uhhhh. Maybe? Stay here. I'll... be back.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: BIANKA RUNS AT BREAKNECK SPEED

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WAELYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">What's going on?

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 8. BOULDERS'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bianka is running towards them

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, why is she running towards us? This is part of the plan, right?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow. She's fast. I mean, considering.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Should we do something?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bianka has arrived

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Run!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh f- foot and mouth.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The companions all stand up

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">RUN YOU IDIOTS!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPERS

<p style="text-align:center;">STOP!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The companions all start running

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">We'd rather not, if that's okay!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Where are we going?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I know what what?

<p style="text-align:center;">WEALYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">(from behind them)

<p style="text-align:center;">Incende!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: FIREBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are they shooting fireballs at us?!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It certainly seems like it!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">And it certainly seems like the Companions have gotten themselves in a heated situation. Will they find a way to cool things down?

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;"> * groan*

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Find out next time in the season finale of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

<p style="text-align:center;">CREDITS

<p style="text-align:center;">BLOOPER

<p style="text-align:center;">ANDREW

<p style="text-align:center;">But he wasn't at the rendevouz. Hm. Sorry. One more time.

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">It's "U-zello-dun-on"

<p style="text-align:center;">ANDREW

<p style="text-align:center;">Uxellodunon. Yeah. Uxello-Lena-Dunham. Uxellodunon. Uxellodunon? Uxellodunon! Okay. Ah hem.