Saint Goat's Day Transcript



OLFGA

Good. Soft humans and elf do exactly as Olfga planned. Spartak!

ORC BOY SPARTAK

Hm?

OLFGA

Follow them. Soon we pay final visit to Olfga's new friends!

NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

Theme music

'''SCENE 1. INT. DWARVEN MUSEUM. '''

''SOUND: LARGE DOORS OPENING. A large open space, a tiled floor. Other people quietly talking.''

GILBERT

Well, this certainly looks like a museum.

FAENDYR

BARD

What gave it away? Was it the GIANT sign saying "museum"?

GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm just trying to establish where we are in an audio format.

Slow, shuffling elderly FOOTSTEPS approach as:

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to the Jade Reach National Museum of Magical and Arcane Arti--

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friend!

<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Shhhhh!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(quieter)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friend.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. Hello child.

<p style="text-align:center;">Before you enter, we humbly ask that you pay what you are able so we may keep our doors open for all scholars who come seeking knowledge.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhh, well... *non committal noises*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Do not worry, my friends! I shall pay for all of us. Here, my good sir. Take this!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">And... what is this?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's my favorite leaf. Don't spend it all in one place.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">... Are you here to get off the streets, or may I direct you to any particular exhibits?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We've heard this museum is home to one of the Unholy Relics.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We're, um, grad students?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm a full-grown gnome!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">This museum is indeed home to one of the Demon Relics. It is the prize of our collection- the Consumer of Flesh. It is bound to the demon Uxellodunon, but we have been unable to verify that claim.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Mm. Ah. Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Mmhm.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Grad students, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">I can take you to it. But I must ask you to maintain a respectful distance from our artifacts.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course. Thank you, sir. We understand that you don't want visitors touching your exhibits.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">No. Not all visitors. Just you and your compatriots.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Looks like the artifacts aren't the only antiques in this place.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I was just saying what a wonderful collection of antiques in this place.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait a moment... I think I've seen your face before.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Me? Aw, that's highly unlikely.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">You look very familiar.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's not possible.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, wait here. I need to check something, uh, in the office.

The Old Dwarf slowly walks away as:

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay, quick. We have three... no make that five minutes tops before he makes it back and realizes we're gone.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Why did he recognize you?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I have one of those faces.

<p style="text-align:center;">You're here to steal this staff right? Or have I misread the entire vibe...?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're not... incorrect.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a little more complicated than that.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It's really not though?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We're doing this for Rodney!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Who's Rodney?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">He's a root.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">He's not just a root!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay cool cool, I genuinely don't care about your motivation. We've got like four minutes now. Are we going to do this thing or what?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Let's do it!

The companions RUN down the tiled hallway.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry! Don't mind us... sorry... excuse me.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Where are we going? There's like a million rooms in this place.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe this one?

DOOR OPENING. A menacing GROWL. Quick DOOR CLOSE.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Nope.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What in the infernal plane was that and why keep it in a public museum??

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, maybe this hallway here?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">We can't run down every hallway in this place, that will take hours.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's down the hall to the left.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Did Brad tell you this?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Brad has never been here, this is his cousin Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(squeaks)

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin says hi.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">There are a disconcerting amount of rats in this city.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(squeak)

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin says this room here.

CONTINUOUS:

'''SCENE 2. MUSEUM ROOM.'''

There is a disconcerting magickal droning coming from the glass case holding the staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that the staff? In that glass case?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Sitting in the middle of a room with nothing else? It has to be.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Well done, Kevin! Everyone thank Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks, Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(squeak)

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Does anyone else feel... weird?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. There's something wrong with that staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, it must be the one we want then. You don't name something the Consumer of Flesh if it gives you a nice, warm fuzzy feeling.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Trust me, this is it.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What's those scratches there?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That's writing Colin. It's a plaque. Since we're in a museum it probably tells us what in the case.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not sure what it says though, I think it's in Dwarvish.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It says "Don't touch the glass"

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We need to focus. We only have so much time before someone wanders in.

FOOTSTEPS come in the room.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">This room is closed.

<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. There isn't a sign...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">We haven't put it up yet.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">We're stealing anything!

<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You need to leave.

<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON

<p style="text-align:center;">Um.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Now.

<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. Um... Okay...

He quickly leaves

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We need to speed this up.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">How do we get it out of the case? Should we just break the glass?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh, that's so hit-and-run.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It probably wouldn't work anyway. I'd bet good coin the glass is magickally reinforced. Dwarves are all about practical applications of magick.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Versus whom, exactly?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey Faendyr, couldn't you open the lock?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, technically I could. But I'd have to figure out what kind of lock it is, and if there is any magick involved with the lock itself, and that alone takes a while, and then I have to--

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I got this.

Bianka picks the lock.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">So... where did you learn to pick locks?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I had a rough childhood. Also it impresses girls, so.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I wouldn't know.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">As long as we get out of here without being arrested for theft, consider me impressed.

The lock opens and the glass door opens slightly. The magickal barrier disapates.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That was easy.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I must say, this is the first thing we've done that's actually gone well.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hello soft humans and elf! Also new dwarf lady.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Hello!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course. Fantastic. Wonderful.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">And boys!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Friends of yours?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing here? You said we could go free.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga did say this yes. Olfga hear that soft friends have own quest for Demon staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga overhear tall elf muttering in sleep about quest for old strong magick objects.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Jokes on you, elves don't sleep.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Then what's your excuse?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and Boys also look for magick object for important client. Was- how you say- fortuitous.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, actually. Perfect pronunciation.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga not stupid. Olfga know even if dwarves let strong beautiful orcs in museum, Olfga and boys could not get through case without breaking glass and alerting museum workers. So, Olfga let soft stupid humans do hard work instead.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That's actually not a bad plan.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">You give Olfga staff now.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Or what?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Or you all die.

A dramatic beat, then:

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's funny.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is very serious.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">No. I just realized that today is St. Goat's Day.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It figures St. Goat's Day would be the day that I die...

'''SCENE 3. INT. THE CASTLE. THRONE ROOM. '''

A temp bard plays the hapsicord as courtiers mingle.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis!

CAT COLLAR BELL as Willis approaches.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">There you are... What's that?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">You told me to wear a cat's collar with a bell, sire. I obliged.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I have changed my mind.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you know what day it is today?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Thorsday, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">You are partially correct. Today is St Goat's Day!

ABRUPT STOP to live music. A cheese platter falls to the floor. The courtiers moan.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, no, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yes, sire!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, your majesty. I'd rather not.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well too bad, Willis. Prepare the catapult! Or should I say goat-a-pult? (Transition) No, that's lame. Strike that, Willis. Prepare the catapult!

'''SCENE 4. INT. THE MUSEUM. EXHIBIT ROOM.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry, but no. We won't give you the staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga must have not heard correctly.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">This quest of ours hasn't exactly gone as planned...

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks to Olfga and boys, yes?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, I didn't say that--

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">My point is: We've actually accomplished something here, and you're not going to take that away from us.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga will not ask again. Give Olfga staff. Now.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">We will do no such thing!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Who is this?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm the Bard!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">... Who?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">The bard. I've been here the whole time.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga thinks not.

<p style="text-align:center;">BOYS

<p style="text-align:center;">(agreement)

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">You imprisoned me along with everyone else!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Did Olfga do this?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! That... boy over there held me in chains!

<p style="text-align:center;">BOY

<p style="text-align:center;">Eh.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm a member of this party!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Mm um it's not... mm.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Not really.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I feel like this is the first I'm seeing him?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">None of you take me seriously as a character!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, we do.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Then what's my name? Hm?

<p style="text-align:center;">GIL, FAENDYR, CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhh...?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on! I've been working at the castle for five years.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I make it a point to not learn the names of the staff. It's a power move.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Is your name Tiffany?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">No! My name.... is not..... Tiffany!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes I'm sure!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">I will no longer sit by and let the story happen around me. I'm moving it forward myself!

The Bard walks toward the case, and fully opens the door

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Obviously I'm taking the staff for myself! I have to say for a top-billed character you are pretty dense.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait! Don't touch it--

As the bard touches the staff, strange wisperings errupt. His scream echoes and falls away as the staff hits the ground

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Um?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">My gods! Did it just eat him??

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">What happened to annoying human?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean no loss, but jeez.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Quick, grab the staff, but don't let it touch your skin.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I have my opera gloves here---

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You brought opera gloves?!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You didn't?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Careful!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Got it!

As he picks it up, the strange droning stops.

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah, this thing has some crazy powerful magick, that's for sure.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Stop tall elf! Give Olfga bard-eating staff or--

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gil DRAWS HIS SWORD

<p style="text-align:center;">GIL

<p style="text-align:center;">Or what?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, orcs- catch this:

<p style="text-align:center;">Incende!

A FIREBALL ERUPTS. The sound of FIRE continues.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Nice! That is the biggest fireball I've ever cast! Daddy like.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that orc supposed to be on fire?

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOY

<p style="text-align:center;"> * screaming*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What about the rug?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh oh...

Fire whoosh as the tapestries go up in flames.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">And the tapestries?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhh... oopsey poopsey.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We need to get out of here, now!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin told me there are tunnels big enough for us to fit through!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">He's right. There are maintenance tunnels for the elevators that lead out to the surface. There's one out the back. Come on!

RUNNING, OLFGA AND BOYS YELLING AFTER THEM

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">How do you know all of this? You said you'd never been to this city before.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Did I?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait! Stop!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, my bad!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">And no running in the museum!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT Sorry!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Through here!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">That area is not for patrons!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Let's go let's go let's go...!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Bye bye Mr Dwarf!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLD DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Sto---

Bianks slams the door. They are now inside of the maintiance tunnels.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">These tunnels were made for dwarves so you might might wanna--

SOUND: FAENDYR'S HEAD HITTING METAL

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ow! Gods!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Careful!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you alright?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, I thought that would have been a given. We take this turn up here.

'''SCENE 5. EXT. KIRKLAND'S BORDER WITH WESTLAND.'''

A field. A trumpet singles the begining of the festivies. Courtiers chatter.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to the royal court's St. Goat's Day celebration, here at the border with Westland and in sight of Jeffrey's stupid castle! Thank you for joining us for this, our fifth annual goat-toss.

<p style="text-align:center;">Hit it, Willis.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, sire.

A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooh! Look at him go! Beautiful.

SOUND: The goat lands far away. It bleats (it's fine).

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">(far away)

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me? Excuse me!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah! Hullo, Quinton! Fancy seeing you here!

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis, launch another one.

A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air. Coutiers appricate its flight.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">(closer)

<p style="text-align:center;">It's Lord Quinton now. His majesty Jeffrey was kind enough to give me a ti-- Oh my!

SOUND: Goat lands.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">That goat almost killed me!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">If only I were so fortunate.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Jeffrey gave you a title?! Whatever for?

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">(now here)

<p style="text-align:center;">You can't throw goats into our country.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">But I just did.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't mean you physically aren't able to. You aren't allowed.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Says who?

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">King Jeffrey.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Here we go.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Oh dear.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">King Jeffrey! King Jeffrey dares to infringe upon my religious freedom?!

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">With all due respect, King Alfred, St. Goat's Day is not a religious holiday.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">It is in Kirkland!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">St. Goat's day honors the day that the founders of our countries, Lords Kirk and West respectively, argued over a magical goat, leading to their irreparable separation and our two nations.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">I know what St. Goat's Day is! The issue is the goats are landing in Westland, which presents a bit of a problem for us.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">That's the whole point! Willis?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.

SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">That aside, it isn't very kind to the goats involved.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">They're fine. They're wearing helmets.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">And padding, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, as my man said, and padding.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">You're still launching them out of a catapult. It must be a very jarring experience.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I am told they enjoy it.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">And now they get to live in your "wonderful" country. How lucky them for them.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, King Alfred. We do this every year.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">That's because it's an annual tradition.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm begging you.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh ho! A Westlander begging a boon of Kirkland! Mark this day, Willis!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I will only stop if King Jeffrey asks me to.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh he does! Very much so.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">No no, I mean here. Himself. In person. Maybe if he could get down on his knees a little, too.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">King Jeffrey is attending to vital matters of state.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh boo hoo. Willis?

SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not stopping our revelries until King Jeffrey himself comes here.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUINTON

<p style="text-align:center;">You'll be waiting a long time.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">(deadly serious)

<p style="text-align:center;">I've got a lot of goats.

A goat lands. Bleats.

'''SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF SUNKEN KINGDOM.'''

SOUND: A metal HATCH OPENS near a stream in Northern Kirkland.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(gasping for breath)

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods, I don't think I've done that much running since the Chicken Affair.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">That was so much fun! I love fleeing for our lives, can we do it again?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gods, I hope not.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna lie down for a sec--

SOUND: Faendyr COLLAPSES

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you alright, Faendyr?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah. I mean I have a concussion and I just ran, like, a mile. I'm fine.

<p style="text-align:center;">(vomits)

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh. Disgusting.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What's going on here, anyway? What are you doing?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, currently, I'm dying...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're not exactly the typical people who steal infamous magical objects. No offence, but you guys seem really in over your heads.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not in over my head, I'm tall for my age!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Pfft. You're, what? Six, seven? Maybe like a hundred years ago, kid.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">He's actually one hundred and seven. More or less.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I was kidnapped by faeries!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That explains a lot actually. But that doesn't explain what a princess, a fancy elf, and a knight with a stick are doing stealing one of the Unholy Relics.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">This isn't a stick. It's a root. I mean, it's not a root. It's my friend. Rodney.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay...?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Sir Rodney was turned into a root by a witch.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Um... excuse me?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Not now, kid, grown-ups are talking.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We're actually on a quest to find a unicorn for my father's zoological gardens.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Unicorns are an endangered species and there are international laws banning their capture and captivity.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">My father is an idiot.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">But what were you doing in Jade Reach? Last I checked unicorns aren't burrowing creatures.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">May I say something?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We're also collecting some of the Relics so the witch can turn Sir Rodney back.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. That makes sense. The Lauright Rule and all that.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">The what?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">The Lauright Rule? To undo a spell, you need a stronger magic than what was used to make it?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I knew what it was, I just didn't think you did.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Bianka, how do you know that? Magical theory isn't exactly common knowledge.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">By way of explanation, allow me to make a proposal. This may surprise you, but I'm a professional thief.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(sarcastic)

<p style="text-align:center;">Noooo!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I know, it's a lot to take in. My specialty is finding and stealing arcane objects for collectors- mostly from other collectors. You know the type- nobles with more money than brains.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">The most common type.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I also happen to know where many of the remaining Relics are located.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">And how do you know this?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Word gets around in my business. And I just happen to be looking for some. Business, I mean.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What are your terms?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Just an equal share of whatever reward you're receiving.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Those are certainly fair terms, and Bianka has been very helpful so far. I say she joins the Companions.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll probably be dead in like five minutes, so whatever, cool.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Whaddya say, Princess?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Frankly, we need whatever assistance we are able to find.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">So you don't mind that I steal stuff for a living?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">While I may not personally endorse what you do, I am not one to look a gift gryphon in the beak.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION?

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to the Companions of the Root, Bianka.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Aw, you have a group name. Love it.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, now we just need to track down that ring and a unicorn.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE

<p style="text-align:center;">(surprised noises)

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I apologize, but it is important.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What is it Colin?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Look...!

SOUND: MAGICAL SPARKLY NOISES. HORSE WHINNY.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It can't be.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods, I'm hallucinating. I see a unicorn!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD (NARRATOR V/O)

<p style="text-align:center;">It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions--

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(shocked noises)

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Now I'm hearing the Bard! Ohmygods, am I dead too?!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you hiding? Oooh! Are we playing hide and seek? I'll hide!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin.

SOUND: Colin RUNS AWAY.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Too late, come find me!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We thought you were dead!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">I am, in fact, dead. Thanks. My physical form was completely torn asunder. It was incredibly traumatic, glad you brought it up. But death has only made me fully omniscient and omnipotent.

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a Saint Goat's Day miracle.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't take Saint Goat's name in vain.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm trying to wrap up this episode. Can I-- do you mind?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions. What could they possibly do to screw this one up? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! ... Mortals

<p style="text-align:center;">END CREDITS

<p style="text-align:center;">(Lena)

<p style="text-align:center;">The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Yasmin Tuazon, Stacey Kruml, Bill Hurlbut, Andrew Quilpa, Tom Howley, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish

<p style="text-align:center;">

'''SCENE 7. EXT. AFTER CREDITS. BORDER WITH WESTLAND.'''

Twilight. A large amount of goats bleating in the distance.

SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">That was the last goat, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Jeffrey didn't come, Willis.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">And the courtiers have all gone home.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">He never comes. Was it something I said?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps it was the goats, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">No, that can't be it.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course not, sire. Who could object to having goats thrown at them?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">We have to do something bigger next year to get his attention. Maybe cows?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps, sire. Shall we go home?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. But Willis- collect my goats first.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">The goats, sire?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Jeffrey doesn't deserve to keep them.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I--

<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh)

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">BLOOPER

<p style="text-align:center;">LAURA

<p style="text-align:center;">Just... alright.

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">This isn't Brad?

<p style="text-align:center;">LAURA

<p style="text-align:center;">(cross talk)

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">(cross talk)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh you're right, this is Brad.

<p style="text-align:center;">LAURA

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">No! This is Kevin!

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">No this is Kevin! This is our introduction to Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">LAURA and LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">This is Kevin's first line everyone!

<p style="text-align:center;">LAURA

<p style="text-align:center;">This is really important guys.

<p style="text-align:center;">DANIEL

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! Yes yes. (The Michaels and Bridgette laugh) And a hush fell over the room.

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Mhm.

<p style="text-align:center;">(a pause)

<p style="text-align:center;">LAURA

<p style="text-align:center;">SQUEAK!

<p style="text-align:center;">(Everyone tries to not laugh)

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">