Out of the Frying Pan Transcript

NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

'''SCENE 1. OUTSIDE JADE REACH.'''

Same environment as previously.

BIANKA

RUN YOU IDIOTS!

KEEPERS

Come back here! Stop this instant!

SOUND: The companions all start running

KEANU

We'd rather not, if that's okay!

COLIN

Where are we going?

BIANKA

I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here.

COLIN

I know what what?

WAELYNN

(from behind them)

<p style="text-align:center;">Incende!

SOUND: A fireball flies through the air and lands near them

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are they shooting fireballs at us?!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It certainly seems like it!

SOUND: Fireball again, closer this time.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr! Cast a portal and get us out of here!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Oh yeah!

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh... where to?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Anywhere!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean I can't do anywhere, we might end up like underground or in space or something.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Another fireball

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Just pick somewhere!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER RICHARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Stop this instant!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEEPER WEALYNN

<p style="text-align:center;">Release the Relic!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Any time now would be great!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr!!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I CAN'T CAST A PORTAL WHEN YOU'RE YELLING AT ME!

'''SCENE 2. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.'''

''The castle grounds, afternoon. A group of goats does their goat business in an inclosure nearby. ''

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis! ... Willis! Willis, I'm in the zoological gardens and I require you! Where is that man. Willllliiis!

SOUND: Willis runs over, footsteps on gravel.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">There you are Willis! I was calling you, what took you so long?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I was... using the facilities, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">That's no excuse. I had to wait a full fifteen seconds.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">It was... urgent, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">You may not use the facilities when I require you, Willis.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">But sire, you did not require me when I took my leave.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, yes I didn't need you then! But I needed you right after!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I apologize, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">In the future it would be better to just hold it in, hm?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I-- Yes, sire. It won't happen again.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">See that it doesn't.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">What do you require, your majesty?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">You said you needed me.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I did?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm. Oh! Yes! The royal goats have defecated in their enclosure. It distresses me to have to look upon such filth. Please clean it up.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll call the stable hand.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">No no no. I need you to do it. Immediately.

SCENE 3. OUTSIDE JADE REACH.

SOUND: Fireball, very close

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Not to be dramatic, but we're going to die or worse if you don't get us out of here immediately.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm working on it, okay?

SOUND: Bad portal

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Nope.

SOUND: Bad portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Nope!

SOUND: Bad portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sooner rather than later would be preferable, Faendyr!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I can't run and cast at the same time!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Not to put any more pressure on you but that's kind of a problem because if we stop moving, we're dead.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I don't know what it is exactly you want me to do about that!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">My dudes, it's okay. I can distract them. You get out of here.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No Keanu, that's not an option.

SOUND: Fireball, closer than it's been.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil, let me do this. You guys saved me, you gave me another chance at life. Let me do the same for you.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Keep an eye on Colin for me, Kevin!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, what are you saying?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Fly, my dudes!

SOUND: Keanu runs away (towards the Keepers).

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">(from a distance)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey! You! Uhhh, look at me! I'm a talking unicorn! Raaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Nooooooooooooooooooo!

SOUND: Portal opening.

SAD MUSICAL INTERLUDE

'''SCENE 4. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">No!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry, I must not have heard what you said.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I said "no." Sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">(deadly)

<p style="text-align:center;">That's what I thought. Well, well, Willis. The day has finally come.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">W-what day, sire?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">The day when you finally betray me.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, no, sire. I'm not betraying you.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">And you have the gall to deny it. This is what we have come to.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">It's just that it is not my job to... to pick up... goat poop. Sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Your job is to do whatever I say it is, Willis!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry sire, but there are some lines I will not cross.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I can't believe this. After everything I've ever done for you!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">With respect your majesty, you haven't really done that much for me.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">How dare you! I gave you a day off when your mother died!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">It would have taken three days to travel to the funeral and back, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well that wasn't my problem!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">And when my father died?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I had already given you the day off for your mother! What was I supposed to do? Give you another day off?!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">My gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">Fine. What are you going to do with me?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry, sire?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you going to lock me up?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">What?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Kill me?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't understand.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, clearly this is coup!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">No, it isn't sire. I simply don't wish to handle goat droppings, that's all.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">You have some big gall, son. Big gall.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

'''SCENE 5. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.'''

''Same environment as always. Farm animals. Brook. Etc.''

SOUND: PORTAL OPENS.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Rippling Brook again?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * ugly sobbing*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You'd rather be on the bottom of the Glass Sea? You're welcome.

SOUND: Fabric burning.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr? You're on fire.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I mean you are literally on fire.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wonderful! Fantastic! This is an antique, you know.

SOUND: He pats it out.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I'm not okay! And neither is Keanu!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * wailing*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Bianka must have told them I have a Relic! They know I have Fleshy!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I didn't! I swear to the gods, I didn't tell them.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We need to figure out what we're going to do.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You believe her??!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I have no reason not to.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">EXCUSE ME? Then what was that back there?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Calm down.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't tell me to calm down, Gil!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I thought you of all people were on my side!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I am on your side. You're just acting a little strange.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You know what? Screw this.

SOUND: He casts a portal

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr, wait! Don't go.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm out.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr! Please!

SOUND: The portal closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well that was a bit much, I must say. Even for Faendyr.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Where did he go?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">How should I know?! ... I'm sorry, Colin. I shouldn't have snapped at you.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's okay. We're all upset right now.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for it to go down like this.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">So. What do we do now? Keanu is gone. And Faendyr is who-knows-where with the staff. We have nothing. We were so close! And now it's all gone. We've failed Rodney. I failed Rodney.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil, none of this is your fault.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I could have done something. I should have stayed behind instead of Keanu. Then none of this would have happened.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You don't know that.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Actually... here.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What's this?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's the Hungering Band. I switched it with another box. Keeper Richard had it in his pocket like an idiot.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">When?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">When we were talking.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">How?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I told you I'm good.

SOUND: Gil OPENS the box. A menacing hum.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Gods, this stuff makes me uncomfortable.

SOUND: He CLOSES it. The hum stops.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I know it doesn't fix all our problems. But at least it's something.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">And Kevin says he has some of Keanu's hair.

<p style="text-align:center;">(choked up)

<p style="text-align:center;">He used it to make a nest.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeaks*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">He says you're welcome.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey kid. I'm sure Keanu is okay. The Keepers wouldn't hurt a unicorn.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I hope you're right.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I know I am.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)

<p style="text-align:center;">Really?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We're only a day from Fools Haven. I say we give Gwendolyn what we have and regroup at the Capital.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I have a feeling she's not going to be too happy about us not having the staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, there's nothing we can do about that right now. And I don't think Faendyr will stay away for too long. I'm sure he'll come back when he's cooled off.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know. He seemed really upset.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't be dense. He fancies you, Gil. He'll be back.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What about the unicorn for King Alfred? That's the whole reason we're on this crazy, labyrinthine quest.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">If you recall, my original plan was to affix a cattle horn onto a horse. He'll never know the difference.

SOUND: Horse WHINNY

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Speaking of unicorns...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait a moment. That looks like one of Peerless' horses.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Could be. He rents land in the country to graze them.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Even better. Shall we?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friend!

SOUND: HORSE WHINNY

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Likewise. How would you like to be a unicorn?

SOUND: Walking up

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met-- Oh no! No no no. How are you back? Please, go away!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Give it a rest, we're leaving.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">But not because you said so! We were leaving before you said anything.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, you can't take that horse, it belongs to Lord Peerless!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Perfect.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">He'll be very mad!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That sounds like more of a "you" problem.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Okay.

SOUND: Horse whinny

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're right, he is a pushover.

'''SCENE 6. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.'''

Sound: Same as before, but the goats are louder.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, Willis! What now? You've imprisoned me in the goats' enclosure. Come, don't be a pushover!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I did no such thing, sire. You locked yourself in there.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">To escape from you, you mad man!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please sire, come out of there.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I shan't.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">The goats are my subjects now.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Goat bleats.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I've named this one Lord Willis.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">(wounded)

<p style="text-align:center;">You've made him a lord?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, because he would never betray me unlike some people I could mention!

SOUND: Plop.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Oh dear. Lord Willis has relieved himself on the royal slippers.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps you should ask him to clean it up.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sure he will.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I have no doubt, sire. After all, you made him a lord.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Lord Willis, clean up your... droppings.

SOUND: Bleat.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">It appears that he refuses, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Lord Willis! I command you!

SOUND: Munching.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Lord Willis! I didn't say eat my robe. Oh dear.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">He's a hungry fella.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis--

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Me, or the goat, sire?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">You! Obviously! I have grown tired of ruling these goats. I have decided to abdicate this throne and return to ruling Kirkland.

SOUND: He tries to open the gate, but it's locked.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm. The gate won't open.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">That's because you locked it, sire. And gave me the key.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well well well. We meet again, my old adversary.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I will have to think of what to do with you when I get out of here.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">But, sire! I've done nothing wrong!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Oh! Nothing!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Sire, may I humbly suggest a compromise?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">A king does not compromise with lower-borns.

SOUND: Plop.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, I'm listening.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">In exchange for you magnanimously forgiving my indiscretion--

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">You mean your heartless coup.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">My...

<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh)

<p style="text-align:center;">heartless coup... I will give you the key.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm. What's in it for me?

SOUND: Munch.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah yes. I see. Very well, Willis. I accept your terms.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Here you are, sire.

SOUND: Key dropping.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooops.

SOUND: Munching.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Lord Willis! Nooooooooooooooo!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">He appears to have eaten the key, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I can see that!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">It would seem that you're stuck in there with the goats, sire. I'm sure Lord Willis will help you.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I doubt it! He betrayed me.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">That is... unless...

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Unless, what Willis?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">If you make me Lord Willis, I will get the spare key from the stable hand.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I can just call for the stable hand myself.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, yes, sire, you could. That is if she weren't avoiding you.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever for?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">She's worried you will rename her like you did Billy.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">What's her name?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Jennifer, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">What kind of name is that?!

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. I see.

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis. I have an idea. If I grant you the title of Lord, will you get the spare key?

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm. I don't know, sire...

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll even start paying you!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, sire... If you insist.

'''SCENE 7. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLYN'S HUT.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. This is it. Gwendolyn's... hut. Is it rude to call it a hut? Oh gods I hope she can't hear me.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;"> * squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Horse WHINNY

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin doesn't like this place. And neither does Genevieve.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Who is Genevieve?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: HORSE WHINNY

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry Colin. Camilla and Gil can talk to the witch. We'll wait back here, okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. Shall we?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">After you.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, after you.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, I insist.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods. I'll do it.

SOUND: Bianka WALKS up to the door. KNOCKS. It creaks open immediately.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hiya!

SOUND: Gilbert walks up, Camilla follows.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hello... um, ma'am.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! It's you! Took you long enough.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, well, we ran into some... complications.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Adventuring is like that, isn't it? Nothin' worth doin' is ever easy! ... What happened to the tall one with the hair? Oh! Was he turned into a dwarf?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, ma'am. I'm Bianka. I'm a completely different person.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. You're in trouble, aren't you?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I hope not.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no, you are. Better watch your back. That is, unless you want it to get stabbed.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">And I mean literally stabbed.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Until you die.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">From being stabbed.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I... I get it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna check on Colin.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(from further back)

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin and I are fine!

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Stab stab. To death.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Better check anyway.

SOUND: Bianka quickly WALKS away.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Here, Gwendolyn, this is for you.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Oh ho! Come to mama!

SOUND: She opens the box. A menacing hum.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Mm. Sorry sweetie, I just see a ring here... and a rat's nest?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's, um, unicorn hair.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Where's the staff?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's all we are able to give you at this time.

SOUND: Box snapping shut.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">That's... hm. That's a wee bit problematic for me.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">There were extenuating circumstances.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">A deal's a deal, bucko.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We'll get the staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Where is it?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We're not exactly sure at this particular moment.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">Well ya better hop to it then, Missy! The longer this takes, the harder it is for me to return that fish to human form.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Root.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't follow. Anywho, if you would please get off my doorstep I have some really important persons I'm distilling.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you mean potions?

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

SOUND: Door SLAM.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm very tired of people slamming doors in our faces.

SOUND: Door creaks OPEN.

<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN

<p style="text-align:center;">And don't come back until you have the staff!

SOUND: Slam.

SOUND: Bianka and Colin join them.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">She's... charming.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Let's get this horse to my father. I'm dying for a warm bath.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I thought the horse was for the king?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">My father is the king.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait... does that mean you're a princess?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Come on, Colin.

'''SCENE 8. INT. THRONE ROOM.'''

''Reminicant of earlier episodes: courtiers mingle and talk about cheese, a harpsicord plays. The door opens, and the Companions approach. ''

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah, welcome home, Camilla!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hello, Father.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Everyone look! The Princess has returned home!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">And my third best knight, Gilbert! And dear, dear Sir Rodney! How is he?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">He's... um, fine.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Still a stick, I see.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We're working on it.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">But where is the bard?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA, GILBERT AND BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Whomst?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">He died. Very painfully too, I might add.

SOUND: The new bard, startled, stops playing with a crash of notes.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah well. It isn't as if bards aren't thick on the ground. Lord Willis! Put out a hiring notice.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">"Lord" Willis?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I've given him a title.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever for?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">It's... a long story. Did Master Faendyr die too?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, princess didn't you want to tell your father something important about him? About his... job?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It turns out that Master Faendyr... He's on an important arcane research expedition.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Mm 'kay.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! Jeffrey will be so jealous. And who might you be?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm Bianka Coalbrand. At your service. And just let me know if you need anything stolen. Not to brag, but I'm really good.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Mistress Coalbrand, would you perhaps be able to steal a castle? I'm... asking for a friend.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Like an entire building?

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Obviously.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">... No.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Too bad. How about a herd of cattle?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I could swing that.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Perfect! Write that down, Lord Willis!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friend! I'm Colin. I'm one hundred and seven!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">You're very small for your age. Are you a gnome?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, sire. He's a human child.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I was kidnapped by faeries!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, congratulations!

SOUND: WHINNY

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">But what's this?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a unicorn, father.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">It is?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course, sire. Note the horn.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Now, was there a reward, or...?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I like to think the real reward was the friends we made along the way.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't take this the wrong way Colin, but please shut up.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I'm afraid you've been duped.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's not possible.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I know this is embarrassing, yikes. But this is but a common Equus caballus with a horn stuck on with spirit gum.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, better luck next time.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yikes.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I can't believe this.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't think this day could possibly get any worse.

SOUND: The door is thrown open, and Peerless approaches, his chainmaille rattling as he walks.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Lord Peerless!

<p style="text-align:center;">COURTIERS

<p style="text-align:center;">(oooh Lord Peerless)

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">No need to worry, the Princess has returned home of her own accord!

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Why does one of my horses have a horn glued to its head?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">None of your business.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">It's literally my business.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Jimothy.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Gilbert.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Why do you wear a stick on your personage clothed in Sir Rodney's coat of arms?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a root.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">You didn't answer my question. But you matter little in the scheme of things. Willis! Send for a cleric. I shall marry Camilla immediately.

<p style="text-align:center;">COURTIERS

<p style="text-align:center;">(surprised murmuring)

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, Lord Peerless.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis! You shall do no such thing!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, Princess Camilla.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis! Listen to me!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhh...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I am the Crown Princess, Willis!!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">Mmmm... uh...

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Willis! Get. The. Cleric!

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">I can't handle all this pressure!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'd rather you die than we wed.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Usually it's "I'd rather die"

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. You would rather die. Because I will kill you myself.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, handsome, sounds like the lady really isn't interested.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Who are you?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Your worst nightmare.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sure you're eager for your nuptials, Lord Peerless, but only the king may decide when the crown princess shall wed.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">As loath as I am to admit it, you are correct. However, there is a technicality I must mention. I am the king now.

<p style="text-align:center;">COURTIERS

<p style="text-align:center;">(shocked murmuring)

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">How dare you!

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">No, silly, I'm the king-- oh wait, I see what's going on! This is a coup, right? Hm. This is a bit awkward. You see, we just had a whole side plot about one.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">No, we didn't! Sire.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">And unfortunately because Lord Willis already did that this episode, you can't have one now.

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, but I am.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You and whose army?

SOUND: MECHANICAL marching.

<p style="text-align:center;">COURTIERS

<p style="text-align:center;">(frightened noises)

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">This one.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh! I know what those are! They're automatons!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, I will admit it was rather troupe-y of me to challenge you like that. I'm not sure what else I expected to happen.

<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS

<p style="text-align:center;">With respect sire, this is what a coup looks like.

<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED

<p style="text-align:center;">Huh. Well, I don't like it.

SOUND: Gil draws his sword.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Stay behind me, Colin.

SOUND: Bianka readies her crossbow

<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS

<p style="text-align:center;">Automatons, seize them!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Now this is entertainment! Will the Companions escape the clutches of perfect Peerless and his metal machines? Will Rodney ever get out of that root? Will Gil ever see Faendyr and his Fleshy again??

<p style="text-align:center;">To find out, tune in next season for more of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

<p style="text-align:center;">CREDITS

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Nicholas Temple, Andrew Quilpa, Courtney Branch, Stacy Kruml, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter and Laura Zheng. Original music by Michael Reilly. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supporters. Support the show and get exclusive rewards in return by visitng patreon.com/talkingfish. Connect with us on social media @TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show informtion at talkingfishpodcasts.com.

'''SCENE 9. EXT. A MARSH.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Woooooah. Dude. Where am I? What happened?

<p style="text-align:center;">Man. I must have wiped out biiig time. ​​​​​​I wonder...

SOUND: He stumbles and splashes in the water.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Yep. Looks like I'm still a unicorn.

<p style="text-align:center;">Niiiiiiice!

OUTTAKE

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">We're--- we're only a (raspberry noise) We're only a day from

<p style="text-align:center;">Why can't I speak suddenly?!

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we're only a day from....

<p style="text-align:center;">(Interface/Automaton voice:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Fools. Haven.

<p style="text-align:center;">