Welcome to the Sunken Kingdom Transcript

INTRODUCTION

NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

'''SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.'''

OLFGA

Olfga and boys take small human princess now.

HEAD VILLAGER

While we are devastated by the loss of our beloved queen, our village will honor her sacrifice.

VILLAGERS

 * murmuring in agreement*

CAMILLA

You shut up. Olfga--

OLFGA

Olfga.

CAMILLA

That's what I said.

OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">No. Listen. Olfga.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That is literally what I said.

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS

<p style="text-align:center;"> * derisive snorting*

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">That is what you think. Humans. Pffft.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, your accent--

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Small princess is one who have accent.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">No I--

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Is how all beings talk in Navakinsk. Princess is one who has strange accent.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">She has a point.

<p style="text-align:center;">BOYS

<p style="text-align:center;">*impatient grumbling*

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Enough... how you say? Chit chat. Olfga and boys have important business in Sunken Kingdom.

'''SCENE 2. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, mortal, enough chit-chat. What do you say? Will you take the human child?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's not like I can really say no.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean you could.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">And be stuck here for eternity?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You'll be stuck with responsibility for a child. Which is like, just as bad.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No it's not!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, yes. Yes it is.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We'll take the child.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES

<p style="text-align:center;"> * disappointed noises*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh thank the moons. That is a weight off our shoulders. Now please leave.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, get outta here!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin. You are going with them.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">We will leave your realm, your magnanimous majesty.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">Never to return.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Gods, I hope not. Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">So, uh, how do we get back?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're a mage, are you not?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I mean, yeah, but...

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooh, are we staying?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">No! Make your way towards the headless fountain and take a turn at the embalmed children.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Embalmed-- never mind, I don't want to know. Take a left?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">Right.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">"Right" as in directional? Or "correct"?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. Do watch your step. The first one is a doozy.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A portal opens.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh this is my favorite part! <p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT AND FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhh?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: ... And they fall through. Objects pass them as they fall. Gil and Faendyr are terrified. Colin is exhilarated.

<p style="text-align:center;">QUICKLY CUT TO:

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 3. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What if I don't want to go to the Sunken Kingdom?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">What small human princess wants does not matter. Olfga is one in charge.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh here we go.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I. BEG. YOUR. PARDON?! I am heir to the throne of Kirkland, you may not presume to--

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. Olfga may. Olfga wonder what princess is doing in pathetic, nowhere village with no strong guard humans to protect small, soft princess.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I can protect myself!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Then why is Olfga and Boys taking princess now? Olfga think princess has-- how you say? "Gotten in over head."

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">You got that right.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys use small human princess to get into Sunken Kingdom. Maybe then we let go. Maybe then we ransom for more coin. Yakov!

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOY YAKOV

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Take princess. We march!

<p style="text-align:center;">(Getting louder as they fall from the sky:)

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT & FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(falling, terrified)

<p style="text-align:center;">Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(falling, exhilerated)

<p style="text-align:center;">Wheeeeee

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A loud CRUNCHING CRASH as Gil, Faendyr and Colin land on the orc boys.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga's beautiful boys! <p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT & FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooowwww.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Again! Again!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you alright?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah... this, um, yikes. I think this is an orc? Yeah, their neck broke my fall.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What just happened?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">(singing and playing his lute)

<p style="text-align:center;">Gilbert and Faendyr and a small human child 

<p style="text-align:center;">Have fallen from a portal in the sky, 

<p style="text-align:center;">And it would seem they have broken the necks of those three orcs.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I can see that! But what happened?!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We were kidnapped by fairies.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">(singing)

<p style="text-align:center;">Told you.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Smugness is unbecoming in a commoner.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Also, we have a child now, evidently.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friends!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Humans who fell from sky have killed Yakov, Tolya and Frolov!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">We killed them?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, they're just sleeping!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">For their death, you must pay with your lives! Olfga unsheathes her sword, frightening the Villagers<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah, woah hold on!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh. Sorry, we just did a "life-for-a-life" thing.

<p style="text-align:center;">Speaking of, where's your family live, kid?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Rippling Brook!

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">You're in Rippling Brook. Who are you? I've never seen you before in my life.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS

<p style="text-align:center;"> * murmuring in agreement*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm Colin!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga will not be ignored!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">For the gods' sakes- just give us a second to hand this kid off, okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Who are your parents, child?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">My father's name is Miles, and my mother is Agnes. She is the one who fought for the Queen in the war.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We don't have a Queen.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Not yet.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe he meant the Empress of the Imperium?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold on. The last war was over a century ago.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">That's not possible. He's still a kid.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're the arcane specialist. Don't you know that time moves differently in other realms?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I've been gone for 100 years?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Looks like it, kid.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But, my family... my parents... that means I'm an orphan.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I know it's a lot to take in.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Everyone I've ever known is dead.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Probably, yeah. I mean, unless you knew any elves.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm so sorry, Colin.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I shall look on you as my new family!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um...

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no...

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">The faeries stole me away from my family, but they brought me to you! You shall be as my new family, who will never abandon me!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">What do we do?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We can't just leave Colin here all by himself.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I mean we could.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We have to take Colin with us. He is our responsibility now.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I told you I was a lot of responsibility!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil, I understand you're trying to "do the right thing"- which is adorable by the way- but that's going to be a bit of a problem.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Is no problem.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes "is problem"! We're on a quest!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga say what is done. We also take small human young. He pose less threat to dwarves than even full-grown humans.

<p style="text-align:center;">(The Boys laugh)

<p style="text-align:center;">Better cover for Olfga and remaining boys!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not young! I'm 107!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">In Elven years you'd still be in primary school.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">How do you know?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm an elf...?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">... What is "school"?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I'm seeing now that we should have let the fairies eat you, kid.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr...

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But I'm not ripe yet!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Enough talk! We march.

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, excuse me, um, Lady Olfga? What do we do about your, um, friends here? The ones who are... uh, sleeping?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga leave them for you, as a reminder.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS

<p style="text-align:center;"> * confused murmuring*

<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER

<p style="text-align:center;">A reminder.... of..... what?

<p style="text-align:center;">A beat.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">We go now!

<p style="text-align:center;">The Boys grab the Companions and push them on ahead

<p style="text-align:center;">THE BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Careful, I have a rash!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, hands off please.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! Where are we going?

<p style="text-align:center;"> '''SCENE 4. EXT. TRAVELING'''<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">(Colin is talking in the background)

<p style="text-align:center;">And so brave Sir Rodney accompanied by the supremely talented and best bard in all of Kirkland- and those other people- are forced at sword-point to travel north towards the subterranean nation of the Sunken Kingdom...

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Do you ever wonder if the trees get cold when all of their leaves all come off? I do! I wonder what they think. I wonder if they find it embarrassing when they change colors. You know how sometimes they change...

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">They-- Colin-- can you not-- I can't think... No whatever it's fine, I was basically done.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">... Do you ever wonder what trees think about? I wonder that myself all the time. They stand around for a very long time I would think that they would probably have all sorts of things. I mean there are so very many bird that all land on their branches. Do you think they have favorites? Do think it annoys them? Do you know?

<p style="text-align:center;">...

<p style="text-align:center;">I think that birds are very strange. You see they have those funny little legs that they look like sort of like pitchforks you know. And they hop all about. And they go hop hop hop

<p style="text-align:center;">...

<p style="text-align:center;">You know how sometimes when you're walking? Sometimes it's dirk, but then other times its stones or rocks. I wonder what what that means. What kind of rocks do you like? I like the ones that are round....

<p style="text-align:center;">...

<p style="text-align:center;">I have found in my experience that goats tend to be more trustworthy than sheep, you see. I don't know why it 'tis. Maybe it's because they have those horns. Do you think maybe those horns mean that they are more reliable. I had not thought of it that way. Perhaps that is true.

<p style="text-align:center;">....

<p style="text-align:center;">I know lots of people. Let me think. There's me mum. And me dad. And then there's my first brother. And then my sister. And then I have another sister and another sister and then there's a brother and then there's another sister and another brother...

<p style="text-align:center;">...

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean if I could fly I would fly everywhere I could. I would fly very high up in the sky, and then I would come alllll the way down and I would get very close to the ground. But not too close because I wouldn't want to touch the ground... '''SCENE 5. EXT. JADE REACH ENTRANCE.'''

''A windy, mountainous area. A sense of elevation and wide open space. ''<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">And that's why you should never take advice from sheep on a Tuesday!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">For last time, small human shut its big mouth!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But they are considered to be more reliable on Wednes-- Ooooooh! Jade Reach music beings<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. We're here.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What's that big door-thing in the mountain? Does a giant live there?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No. Dwarves are just super extra.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's... amazing. Not what I expected.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, they are symbolic as much as functional. The Dwarves wanted to impress the Surface Kingdoms to encourage trade.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Excluding Navakinski peoples.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, there's a long and complicated history between those two nations. And they still don't allow just anyone into their cities.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Which is why we're here on this thrilling week long distraction from our own quest. Whoopee. The music abruptly stops.<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">So, how do we-- ''SOUND: The ding of an elevator door. A large, MECHANICAL DOOR OPENS, followed by heavy FOOTSTEPS, with sounds of mechanical pistons and joints as the automaton moves. It speaks in a slightly disjointed voice, not unlike a computer's pattern of speech.''<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to the entrance to Jade Reach, capital of the vast Sunken Kingdom.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh! It's a giant metal... giant! Hail and well met, friend!

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I am an automaton, an example of Dwarven superiority in engineering and magical crafting.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(verbal expression of an eyeroll)

<p style="text-align:center;">Uuuugh.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Our skills vastly outpace those of the humans and elves.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Whoopty doo. It's not a race.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">A little sensitive there, are we?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Dwarves think they're all that with their automatons and planned cities and democracy and whatever. Like, wow, congrats, no one cares.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, clearly.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I can take you to--

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean the Elven Imperium ruled the whole globe but elves don't go on and on about it.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I can take you to Jade--

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">And we still would if the humans in the south hadn't gotten all whiny about rights and stuff and went and had a rebellion.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I can take---

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">As a descendant of one of those whiny humans who started the rebellion--

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">SHUT UP. All of you.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh hooo oooo!

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Especially loud small boy. Let Giant Metal Giant speak.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I can take you to Jade Reach, but we do not grant entrance to everyone. We only allow the pure of purpose.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Gag me with a spoon.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Consumed by jealousy of our advances beyond their feeble abilities--

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">many races and nations seek to steal our technology.

<p style="text-align:center;">Why should I permit your group entry?

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS

<p style="text-align:center;"> * unsure grumbling*

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga let human princess do talking.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh. Fine.

<p style="text-align:center;">(clears her throat, then:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hello, greetings. I am the Crown Princess Camilla.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">That name is not recognized.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm heir to the throne of Kirkland!

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">We do not care about the hierarchy of other nations.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Now that's horse sh--... shoes.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I beg your pardon?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Haha! That's a joke. It's a human joke. Hilarious, right guys?

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS AND OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">(Feeble, nervous laughter) <p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(genuine laughter) <p style="text-align:center;">That's so funny! The Automaton turns to look at Gilbert<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">But we'd hate to waste any more of your time. My, um...

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Comrades.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Comrades and I would like entrance into your lovely city.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">What is your purpose?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um...?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">We're from the Mages' College. Maybe you've heard of it?

<p style="text-align:center;">(The Automaton wheels around to look at him)

<p style="text-align:center;">It's located in the Elven Imperium. You know? The oldest and most storied nation on the continent?

<p style="text-align:center;">We're here to study the fantastic advancements of your society for our... graduate project.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">You claim to be from an Elven college, but you are the only elf.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">They're exchange students.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">The child?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">He's a full-grown gnome, actually.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm a gnome?!

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">You are suggesting those orcs are students?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Why wouldn't they be?

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">They are orcs.

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS

<p style="text-align:center;"> * offended grumbling*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Elves welcome all who would learn into their lands. But, if you wish to stand in the way of cross-cultural exchange, that's your choice. I'm sure we can go to any city in the Elven kingdom and be welcomed without suspicion, despite our differences.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">The Sunken Kingdom is, of course, as welcoming as the Elven Imperium. If not moreso.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, of course.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, step inside the elevator.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">The what?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No idea. '''SCENE 6. INT. THE ELEVATOR.'''

A small, enclosed area. Not unlike... well, an elevator. <p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Please keep your hands, feet and additional appendages inside the moving vehicle at all times. ''The metal door rolls closed, and the elevator begins to move. The Companions wiggle around in the too-small space.''<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh, Camilla get your elbow out of my stomach.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">When you get your hair out of my face!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Woah woah! Watch the lute!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Why do you have it out??!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(tapping on the orc's jerkin desperately)

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me, um, orc boy? Do you mind... I-I can't breathe.

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOY

<p style="text-align:center;">*grrr*

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(he's not:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Nevermind I'm fine.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is slightly disappointed we make it into Jade Reach. Olfga looked forward to breaking all of humans' fragile bones.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">How did you get so big and strong?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Eating small human young that talk too much.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooooh! Of course! ''The ELEVATOR STOPS. A DING. The DOORS SLIDE OPEN.''<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to Jade Reach. '''SCENE 7. "EXT" JADE REACH. STREET.'''

''A bustling FANTASY CITY, the capital of a vast underground empire. Carts moving on TRACKS, CARTS rolling on a street, PEOPLE TALKING, HAWKING, etc, but all with the sense of being in an expansive underground area.''<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh ahhhh etc

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, beholding the Reach for the first time is a life changing experience.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Not really, but okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr...

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">What? They live in a city underground, congrats. Rabbits have been doing that for thousands of years.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">And birds.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Collin.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Fish?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Clearly tall elf has issues he needs to work on.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm just uncomfortable when the conversation isn't about me.

<p style="text-align:center;">AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">Enjoy your stay. The automaton WALKS AWAY.<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You guys do get that I was talking out of my butt about the College right?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, we got it.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Cuz I don't want you guys thinking elves are like, chill or anything. Generally speaking we're really uptight.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is, how you say? Shocked.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Question: How do you talk with your butt?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, Olfga. We got you into Jade Reach. What now?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys have important job to search for Flesh Eater demon staff in Jade Reach for big client.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">The Consumer of Flesh?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Haha what, so weird!

<p style="text-align:center;">(whispering:)

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil! What are you doing?!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't tell her we're looking for it too!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Why are we whispering?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga thought to hold soft princess for ransom from father king, but princess is too much of, how you say, pain in neck.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, that means a lot coming from you.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys go to search Jade Reach now. Soft princess and friends are free.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, no no, we're not friends.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, Olfga... and boys--

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Farewell, soft humans and elf.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Good luck with your job! The orcs WALK AWAY<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Why did you thank them? They drug us here against our will.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry. I want everyone to like me, I guess?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You need to work on that. You can't be everything to everyone. Well, unless you're royalty of course.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, executing people if they don't worship you isn't the same thing as being liked, though.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That Relic isn't going to find itself.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold on. Where do we even start? A rat approaches Colin and SQUEAKS at him.<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friend!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">That's a rat.

<p style="text-align:center;">BRAD

<p style="text-align:center;">Squeak! Squeak squeak!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, yes please, tell me more!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin runs off

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin! Don't wander too far! And meet back here in an hour!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(from further away)

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know how to tell time but okay!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Lovely. Our insane child is talking to vermin.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">He survived a century with the faeries and didn't become an hors d'oeuvre. He'll be fine. We need to focus on finding the staff.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">And before Olfga does.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">This is a big city. Where do we even start?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr, do you have anything in that magic book of yours?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a grimoire and no, I don't.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we know that the dwarven society as a whole is logical and organized. Where's the most logical place to put an object of great historical value in a major city?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT & FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhhh, hmmmmmmmm

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's not a trick question.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, I know, I just want to see if you two do.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">A museum, you dolts.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah. Obvi.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">We just have to find it. How hard can it be? '''SCENE 8. EXT. JADE REACH. STREET.'''<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me?

<p style="text-align:center;">DWARF

<p style="text-align:center;">Dwarven crafts! Fine Dwarven crafts, direct from Orzammar--

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't want to buy anything, I need directions.

<p style="text-align:center;">---

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Automaton! Direct me to the museum of magical objects.

<p style="text-align:center;">THE INTERFACE AS AN AUTOMATON

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry, human, but I'm afraid I can't do that.

<p style="text-align:center;">---

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You... dwarf! Yes, you. ... Don't make an obscene gesture at me, I need help!

<p style="text-align:center;">---

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">(singing)

<p style="text-align:center;">Does anyone know where the museum is?

<p style="text-align:center;">(Someone drops coins in front of him)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no, I'm not busking-- oh nice. Any requests? '''SCENE 9. EXT. JADE REACH. STREET.'''

SOUND: A clock chimes the hour.<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, that was a complete waste of time. Hopefully you boys were more productive.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, well, I have this now. I think it's a bag of holding?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh honey, that's definitely a knock-off...

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, you actually bought that?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I didn't want to be rude.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">And did this merchant then give you directions?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. No.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I found a bunch of rats!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Glad to see they didn't carry you off.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Would you all like to meet them?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe later, Colin.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Your loss.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">What about you, Faendyr? Any luck?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Everyone ignored me for some reason.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe because you exude this aura that you think you're better than everyone else.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh ho, that's the dread wolf calling the cauldron black.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you going to ask me?

<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE ELSE

<p style="text-align:center;"> * surprised noises*

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods. I completely forgot you were here.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Who are you again?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">No, no, it's fine. I get it. I'm more of a device than a character. Please, continue ignoring me.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, bard, do you know where the museum is?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Even if I did I wouldn't tell you. Your majesty.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Let's just try again. Maybe we'll have better luck.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, because things have been going so well on the quest so far.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga brought us most of the way to the staff. What are the chances of that?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil, ask her. That dwarven woman over there. She looks knowledgeable.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me? Miss?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Who? Me?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. Sorry. Where is the museum?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse you. I'm a tourist. This is the first time I've been here in my entire life.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You think all dwarves are from the Sunken Kingdom?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, no, of course not. I'm sorry--

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll have you know I'm from the Imperium. You probably think we all know each other too, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I apologize.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You wanna ask me where my gold stash is, and if I can fix some mechanical little trinket for you while you're at it?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry--

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I just so happen to be really good with mechanics, but that has nothing to do with me being a dwarf, thankyouverymuch!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm so so sorry. Please don't hate me.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What's with the stick?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Never mind, I honestly don't care.

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, beautiful, what's your name?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I wasn't talking to you.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">What??

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, me? The Royal Princess Camilla Aslinn Philomenia Antonia, Duchess of Brador.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You look very familiar. I never forget a pretty face. Hold on... you're on the money!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I am the crown princess of Kirkland. It's not a very good likeness, I'm afraid.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no, I love it. A strong nose for a strong woman. I'm Bianka Coalbrand. A true pleasure.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Likewise.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. What's happening right now?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You folks look lost. Maybe I can help you out. What are you doing in Jade Reach?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">We're trying to get lucky!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods. No, we're not. We're looking for the museum.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! I know where the museum is. Brad told me.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Who is "Brad?"

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">My rat friend.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no. He's not your friend.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes he is!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever. The kid obviously made it up. What kind of name is "Brad"?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">The museum is this way!

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin RUNS off.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Mind if I tag along? I wouldn't mind looking at some beautiful art. The museum can't be half bad either.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;"> * giggle*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh. The sooner we get this over with the better.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Shall we?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">What kinds of things do dwarves put in museums even?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr, please be nice.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What kinds of things do elves put in museums?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">When you live forever, museums aren't necessary.

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Good. Soft humans and elf do exactly as Olfga planned. Spartak!

<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOY SPARTAK

<p style="text-align:center;">Hm?

<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA

<p style="text-align:center;">Follow them. Soon we pay final visit to Olfga's new friends!

<p style="text-align:center;">NARRATOR

<p style="text-align:center;">It would seem that the Companions are walking into a bit of trouble. What is Olfga planning? How do I know this is happening if I'm not technically present to hear Olfga speaking? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

<p style="text-align:center;">CREDITS

<p style="text-align:center;">(Lena) The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Stacey Kruml, Andrew Quilpa, Tom Howley, Jenny Oberholtzer, Courtney Branch, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish

BLOOPER

JENNY

We'll fix it in post.

MICHAEL AND LENA

(at the same time)

Exactly.

<p style="text-align:center;">