What Does Human Taste Like? Transcript

Please note this is copied from the recording script. It needs minor editing to match the published episode. Especially needed are correct descriptions and timing for the sound effects and music '''SCENE 1. EXT. A VILLAGE. '''

SOUND: A crowd of angry villagers murmuring. Moaning zombies with them.

MALPHOREUS

By the powers granted to me, Malphoreus the Deathless, master of the decaying Orozad--

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

Booooo!

MALPHOREUS

I beg your pardon?

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

You're a necromancer!

MALPHOREUS

Now what would ever make you think that?

VILLAGER 2

There are undead roaming the village!

ZOMBIE

(moan)

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I can explain...

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER RINGLEADER

<p style="text-align:center;">The robes are also kind of a give-away.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 3

<p style="text-align:center;">We asked you to cure our village of the Blue Death, and look what you did!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">In my defense, these people no longer have the plague... Haha. Sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS

<p style="text-align:center;">BURN THE NECROMANCER!!!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh dear.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: MALPHOREUS RUNS, panting- he's not an athletic man- FOLLOWED BY THE MOB.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER RINGLEADER

<p style="text-align:center;">Come back here, coward!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No, thank you!

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah! I shall hide myself in here...

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 2. INSIDE A STORAGE CELLAR. '''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus SLAMS the door and throws the lock.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Cat bell

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">That's not going to keep them out for very long.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Snowball! Thank the gods. You have to help me!

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Correction: I don't have to help you...

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">If I die, you won't have anyone to open your cans for din-din.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">If you die I will be freed from this infernal plane.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">You don't know that. You may be trapped here with no one to feed you.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 3

<p style="text-align:center;">(from outside:)

<p style="text-align:center;">He's in here!

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">What will you give me for helping you?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Villagers pound on the door.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">We don't have a lot of time...

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">You don't have a lot of time. I'm an immortal, inter-dimensional being. My time is infinite.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">What could you possibly want? You already own my soul.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, and a lot of good that's done me.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The pounding gets more violent. Maybe wood cracks.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">What is it that you want, Snowball?!

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">I want to only eat wet food. And not that disgusting, cheap stuff. The expensive kind. With gravy and little morsels of cheese.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">That's it? Consider it done.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">And I want my Relic back.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I beg your pardon?

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">If you want to be torn limb from limb by screaming, diseased peasants it's all right with me.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Fine fine fine, I'll do it!

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">(demon voice with her cat one)

<p style="text-align:center;">The compact is sealed.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal opens.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh thank the gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't thank the gods, thank me.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Her collar jingles as she leaps through the portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The DOOR breaks down.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER RINGLEADER

<p style="text-align:center;">There he is!

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 4

<p style="text-align:center;">Get him!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Catch you never, suckers!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER RINGLEADER

<p style="text-align:center;">That was rude.

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">INTRODUCTION:

<p style="text-align:center;">NARRATOR

<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 3. EXT. THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bianka is cooking breakfast over a fire and humming to herself.

<p style="text-align:center;">NARRATOR

<p style="text-align:center;">A few days have passed since we last saw our "heroes." Sir Rodney's rag-tag companions awaken at their camp. They believe all the whims of Fate have in store for them is a simple day of travel along the Kings Road toward Amaranthyne. But unlike his companions, Sir Rodney is wise. He knows better.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What in the Infernal Plane are you talking about, Bard?

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">You'll see...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">Scene 3.2

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Greeting, Bianka.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(Surprised noise)

<p style="text-align:center;">Gods!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No god. It is I, Malphoreus the Deathless.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You can't just teleport up on people out of nowhere. You scared the crap outta me.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">My apologies. I spend so much of my time holed up in my castle, I have become unaware of the norms of modern society.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry about it. Just next time send a raven first so I know you're coming.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">As you wish.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Want some bacon? It's almost done.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, but no. I am a vegetarian. For moral reasons, you understand.

<p style="text-align:center;">However, as pleasant as casual conversing is, I have not broken the confines of space and time to discuss my dietary habits. I require your services.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That was fast.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Necromancers do not adhere to the mundane passage of time. Some things require centuries, other mere moments.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You got in trouble, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry about it, big guy. What do you need?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Tent flap opening.

<p style="text-align:center;">Scene 3.3

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That smells really good, Bianka.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks. I was getting tired of eating Feandyr's gruel, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(from inside his tent)

<p style="text-align:center;">You know I can hear you, right?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Malphoreus. Um, hello.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Greeting, sir knight.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey- random question. You wouldn't happen to know, by any chance, if a person trapped inside an object can communicate, would you?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Someone trapped inside of a root, perhaps?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No idea.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Okay. Nevermind.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You left your stick in the tent.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. I um, I have to go... you know. And I didn't want to bring him... it with me.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Also, it's a root. Not a stick. Anyway. I'll be back.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GILBERT WALKS AWAY

<p style="text-align:center;">Scene 3.4

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">In return for Snowball's aid in a delicate situation, I agreed to... some of her demands.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not really in the bougie cat food game, but I know a guy.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. No. I've already taken care of that part. I also promised to reunite her with her Relic, which was taken from her more than a century ago. It's known as the Undying Collar.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hold up. You want me to find and possibly steal an Unholy Relic?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No, just steal. I know where it is. The elderly human Duchess Withershanks has it, at her estate of Briarthorne. It shouldn't be too difficult of a job for you, seeing as I've already done two thirds.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Stealing enchanted trinkets here and there on the side is one thing. But if it gets out that I gave an Unholy to a necromancer's demon...

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">First off, I'm her necromancer, not the other way around.

<p style="text-align:center;">And I doubt it houses enough power to be anything anyone will be worried about.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm afraid to ask, but what's she planning on doing with it?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Returning to her demon form? Compelling the whole continent of Ilsylian to wait on her hand and foot? The usual.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know, Mal...

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">As loath as I am to use so crass a phrase, you do owe me.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">All right... But it might have to wait if the rest of the Companions don't agree.

<p style="text-align:center;">CUT TO:

<p style="text-align:center;">SCENE 4'''. EXT. THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Sounds good to me.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh! Fun.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, whatever.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Sure.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're all seriously okay with this?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Briarthorne estate is on our way to Amaranthyne. It isn't as if we will be going out of our way.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I just want to sleep in a bed and eat some real food.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I am looking forward to something other than your gruel for a change.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">At least I make food, which is more than you can say.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">If you can call it "food."

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's not that bad.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What's a bed?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">You know. It's like... uh... where you sleep?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You mean the ground?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm honestly shocked you guys don't have a problem stealing from a defenseless old woman to help a demon.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, I have a problem with that, but I figure I'd just ignore it in favor of spending a day or two at a cushy estate.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Just put a pillow over any moral qualms until they stop struggling. That's what I do.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What about you, Sir Knight? Didn't you like, swear an oath to protect people or something?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Brairthorne is a part of a sovereign duchy, and not the kingdom of Kirkland. Technically my oath of protection doesn't extend to anyone living there.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You all are pretty horrifying sometimes, you know that?

<p style="text-align:center;">MUSIC

<p style="text-align:center;">TRANSITION TO:

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 5. EXT. ENTRANCE TO BRIARTHORNE ESTATE'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: If this were visual, it would be a run-down, creepy looking estate. So, whatever that means, sound-wise.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">After a day of travel, Sir Rodney and his Companions arrive at Briarthorne. Once the home of a proud and mighty family, the elderly Duchess Withershanks is all that remains of the previously indispensable line of nobles. Like its previous inhabitants, the once august estate is now crumbling and decayed. What perils will the Companions discover during their sojourn?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you know the Duchess, Camilla?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Only by sight. It's been some years since she's been to the capital. She's very elderly.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">So, like, 60?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">One hundred and two.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">She's almost as old as I am!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin- you must be on your very best behavior. The Duchess is a strict and humorless woman.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. We're here.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Maybe a crow cawing. Wind whistling, shutter rattling. Something to drive home how creepy this place is.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It's... a lot creepier than I imagined.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I bet there are like, ghosts and stuff.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">There's no such things as ghosts.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Only lost spirits who reanimate corpses and drink unicorns' blood.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, well, in that case...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">If you're all finished, I'd like to go indoors.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll get the door.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: KNOCKING.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Just so we're clear-- and I'm talking to you, Colin and Kevin-- we're not here to steal the Relic. Got it?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Then why are we here?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I'm confused now.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The door slowly creaks open.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(grumpy)

<p style="text-align:center;">Hullo? Yes? Oh. What do you want?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friend.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We are not friends.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">S-sorry.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, get on with it, boy! What is it you want?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(thrown off)

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard. The Crown Princess of Kirkland and her retinue require your hospitality on our journey to Amaranthyne.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Why?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I beg your pardon?

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I said "why".

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, I heard you. I was making sure that's what you wanted to say.

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm the Crown Princess of Kirkland.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I know. And?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">(Getting flustered)

<p style="text-align:center;">The laws of nobility demand that the Duchess extend her hospitality to any visiting nobles!

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That's nice.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil, do something.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry my friends, I have this.

<p style="text-align:center;">Hullo, good sir. I'm an orphan!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Look at him. Look at how small and cute he is. You wouldn't turn him out into the cold, would you?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU AND COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Hmmmm?

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose I will rouse the Duchess from her afternoon slumber.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He takes a step.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No. Stay here.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The door slams.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow. Okay, I'm going to enjoy stealing that Relic out from under their smug noses.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">He's a reanimated corpse, right?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Should we kill him?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">But he's mean.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You can't just kill people because they're mean.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Why not?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The door creaks open again

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">The Duchess Withershanks.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Building, scary music, cut off by-

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">(friendly, a kindly old lady)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Hellloooooooo!

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">(surprised)

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh/ Hullo / Hi

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">How lovely! It's been so very long since I've had any visitors. I’m quite starved for company.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">We're not going to steal anything.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course you won't, you charming boy!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhh... I'm confused. I thought you were, like, mean?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, Bartholomew! You jester.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, uhhhh. Yeah, no, I'm uh... Keanu?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Please, please come in! I'm sure you're all weary from your travels. My servants will prepare the east wing for you, so that you may wash up before your dinner.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, Duchess.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Rupert!

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well. But I take no pleasure in it.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">And please let the kitchen know we have visitors for dinner.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Humph.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He walks away.

<p style="text-align:center;">Scene 5.4

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't mind Rupert, he is only in jest.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, he's a riot.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">I assume you all will be staying for a few days?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">That would be lovely, thank you Duchess.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, no. It is an honor, I assure you. Please, come in.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh... even me?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Bartholomew, is something wrong?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean... shouldn’t I like, stay in the stables or something?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">The stables? Why would you ever stay there?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm a horse?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">A horse! Oh ho! Your jests rival Rupert's! Come, come.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, Duchess.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The companions ascend the stairs.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Also stairs and I, like, don't get along?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Is that the Relic? Her necklace.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. Shut up.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Do watch the door frame--

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: THUMP

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ow! Gods! Why are all the doorways so low in this country??

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Clumsy horse footsteps as Keanu tries to walk up the stairs.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, uh... don't wait for me.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 6. INT. BRIARTHORNE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">And so the Companions find themselves scrubbed clean and fresh, and prepare for their first real meal after suffering Faendyr's abysmal gruel for weeks.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Curiously, they find clean sets of clothes awaiting them in their prepared rooms.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Huh.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ohmygods, I think this is vintage! Look at the embroidery!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You don't think this is kind of... weird?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. It's like impossible to find quality vintage mage robes. Most of them incinerate with their owners. Mages have a very high statistical rate of dying in a fire.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Not that. Wait, why do you wear robes, then? Isn't it dangerous, considering? Robes are very flammable.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, super dangerous. But fashion is more important than safety, obviously.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I meant no one knew we were coming, but they just happen to have extra clothing in our sizes?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Huh.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gilbert pulls back the cover

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Why are you putting that stick under the covers?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's Rodney, and I'm changing... I don't want him to see.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay...?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GILBERT takes off his shirt.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You're jacked.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I am a knight.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wow.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off my trousers now.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, yeah. Sure.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gil drops his trousers

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 7. BRIARTHORNE DINING ROOM.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Sounds of utensils on plates.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, your majesty, for joining me for dinner.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you for your hospitality.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Dutchess, would you like some of the rolls?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no. Just my soup for me.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What is that, tomato?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Mm. I trust your gowns fit?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, thank you. That was unexpected.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. I'm not used to wearing a dress, but thanks.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You look lovely.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I clean up well.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, you do.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks. You uh, look nice too.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Your skins have such a lovely flush to them.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh...

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Pardon?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">I hope it was all right to have Sir Gilbert and Master Faendyr together in one room, and you two in the other.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, yeah. Great.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sure Gil and Faendyr don't mind either.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Speaking of, where are they?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Door opening.

<p style="text-align:center;">Scene 7.2

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry we're late. Someone didn't want to put on his trousers.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Curse you, leg prisons!

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, no problem at all. Rupert! Bring them fresh plates, please.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Humph.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: They pull out their chairs and sit.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That's a very lovely necklace, Duchess.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, this old thing? Thank you.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Where did you get it?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bianka kicks him.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Ow! Bianka, why did you kick me?

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Your food, gentlemen.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Rupert drops plates on the table.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, rude.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">My necklace was a gift from a paramour of mine, many years ago. She was a very talented mage from the Mages College.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It's lovely.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">I keep it in her memory. She was tragically incinerated when her robes caught fire.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">I never take it off, so that she is always with me.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's great.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Even when I sleep, I still wear it.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Just great.

<p style="text-align:center;">Awkward pause.

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">You should try some of this wonderful soup, Rupert. Very full bodied. It might put some blood back into those sallow cheeks.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Humph.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">The dinner is lovely.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">(chewing)

<p style="text-align:center;">Is this human?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. Colin? Have you eaten human before?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know. What does human taste like?

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Like chicken.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Fork dropping

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">Anyone for dessert?

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no no / I'm good / No thanks

<p style="text-align:center;">DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

<p style="text-align:center;">It is most unfortunate Bartholomew couldn't join us.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 8. EXT. ENTRANCE TO THE BRIARTHORNE ESTATE'''

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, hey Kevin. Yep, I'm still here. Stairs are... hard.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">I know you just put one hoof in front of the other, but that's easier said than done, ya know...

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay. I'll try. But don't laugh, okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He steps. Steps again. One more.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*excited squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh man!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He falls down the stairs.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Back to square one.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 9. INT. BRIARTHORNE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">After dining with their senile host, the companions plot their next move in their private east wing.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Since she says she never takes it off, I'll have to steal it while she's sleeping.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">You don't think she'll realize it was us?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll pin it on Rupert... Unless you have a problem with that.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Nope. No. *squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">He's an ass!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Where did you hear that word?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">From Faendyr!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">What? He is.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait. Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Rupert is a butt and we should put gruel in his shoes?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't call someone a butt. It's plebeian.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">May I call him a posterior?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, you may.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, you may not!

<p style="text-align:center;">My point was: the Duchess is one hundred and two. And she's wearing a necklace called the Undying Collar.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. Yes. I see.

<p style="text-align:center;">... And?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">The necklace is keeping her alive.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooooooh.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">And if we take it off of her, she may die.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I don't think it's a "may" if she's one hundred and two. I think that's a "definitely will".

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We'll essentially be murdering her. Are you okay with that?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. But, I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone...

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm really just here for the food?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">The meat was dry. As our host, she bears the responsibility, and deserves to die.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">Camilla? Surely you have qualms about causing the death of a noble.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Upon her death her duchy will become a part of Kirkland.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I don't like this.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You said your protection doesn't extend to her estate.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That doesn't mean I'm okay with killing her!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil, you technically kill people for a living.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">As a last resort! And for, you know, reasons!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Reasons, such as chickens?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You leave The Chicken Affair out of this.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we'll just hope she only dies as a last resort.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin would like to add that she has lived long beyond the normal lifespan of a human. If anything, we will be righting the natural course of things.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That is a very good point, Kevin.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You're welcome.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not going to stop you from doing your job, Bianka. And as one of the Companions, I will help you however I can. But I won't have a hand in her death.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's fair.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">So, what's the plan?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I think you should all get a good night's sleep. I'm just going to get the lay of the land, so to speak. Don't worry about it.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I've been doing this for years, Gil. I know what I'm doing.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 10. INT. BRIARTHORNE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay, Keanu. You made it inside. Just need to find your friends. I bet they're up these... stairs. Oh boy.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 11. INT. BRIARTHORNE.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Door opens, closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Colin's asleep.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">That took long enough.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">He's not used to sleeping in a bed. I had to tell him the story of Saint Goat three times before he passed out.

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. That's... uh. That's a nice night-robe.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">This old thing?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's very... lacy.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. It is.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. There's only one bed.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Huh.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's okay. Maybe I'll sleep with Colin.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You don't want to do that, trust me. Kid kicks like a mule... We could share the bed.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay. Just let me change into my nightclothes.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GIL takes off his shirt

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(sexy)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooh. What are those scars from?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Um... stab wound... stab wound... um I think this one's an arrow. Stab wound. This was a chicken.

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, stab wound... and these are from my top surgery.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Top surgery?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I’m trans.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I understand if that changes

<p style="text-align:center;">things—-

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Of course it doesn't.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(relieved)

<p style="text-align:center;">Good.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You’re still the hottest man I’ve ever laid eyes on... which is saying a lot coming from me.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks. Well, um, on that note...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bed squeaks as he gets in.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">This is... cozy.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">'Night, Faendyr.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">'Night.

<p style="text-align:center;">Pause.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait. I just remembered elves don't need to sleep.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to remember that.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Would you like to... do something else, then? Unless I’ve been completely misreading this entire situation, which is always a possibility.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">(he kisses him)

<p style="text-align:center;">That answer your question?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: they kiss

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait. Hold on a sec.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: bed squeaks as he get up.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It's fine we can take our time... What are you doing?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He opens a trunk

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I uh, gotta put Rodney somewhere.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Trunk closes.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You closed him in a trunk?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yep. Long story.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: he gets back on the bed

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Now. Where were we.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 12. INT. BRIARTHORNE. HALLWAY.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Door opens. Colin tiptoes through the hallway.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh, Kevin. We need to be very quiet!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*quiet squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Keanu! There you are!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh hey, lil man.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're supposed to share my room. What are you doing on the stairs?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhh. Just hangin' out. What are you doing out of bed?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Kevin and I are hungry.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">We're looking for the pantry. The wall mice told Kevin where it is.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Cool cool cool.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You wanna come with?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uhhhh... I'll just stay here. But could you bring me something?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What would you like?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh. Surprise me!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Sure thing, buddy! We'll be back.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He skips down the stairs.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">It's okay. It's just the dark, Keanu. And you're just stuck in the middle of a flight of stairs. It's not like a vampire is going to come and try to eat you.

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods, why did I say that??

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 13. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A door quietly opens. Soft footsteps.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright, Duchess...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: LOCKPICK

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A RAVEN MATERIALIZES, caws.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What in the--?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A PORTAL OPENS

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I sent a raven first, as you requested.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh! And that wasn't what I meant, but thanks, I guess.

<p style="text-align:center;">How did you find me?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I have my ways. Did you read its message?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It showed up like half a second before you did.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">But did you read it?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">No. What's up?

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 14. INT. BRIARTHORNE. PANTRY.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ah ha! The pantry! After you.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, if you insist.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Door opening.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*worried squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh! This isn't a normal pantry... Why are there piles of clothes in here? And skeletons?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You're right, Gil will know what to do! ... do you still want some food though?

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Good. Me too. We'll tell him in a minute.

<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 15. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">The Duchess of Withershanks died many years ago.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure, Mal?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">As sure as I may be, considering our reality may be but the imagination of another.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I spoke to her spirit in the Netherplane. She was, as I believe you centennials say, a "binch".

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">So, whoever... or whatever that is, it's not the real Duchess.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Clearly, yet it has taken on her physical form.

<p style="text-align:center;">What do you plan to do?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, I'm still gonna steal the Relic.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Very well. I just wanted you to be aware of all of the factors in your quest. I would hate for anything to happen to you.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Aw, you care.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">It's just that it would take a lot of time for me to find a new thief who doesn't mind stealing strange arcane objects. And ironically as someone called "the Deathless", time is something that I am rather short on.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks, Big Guy.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: PORTAL OPENING.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. Don't die.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That's the plan.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Raven caws.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you want your raven?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">No.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: PORTAL CLOSES.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: RAVEN caws.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Um. Hey.

<p style="text-align:center;">Well.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: LOCKPICKING. Door opens.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Alright, let's see...

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The duchess' snoring. Bianka's quiet footsteps.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Well. I'm here. Might as well...

<p style="text-align:center;">And, um, sorry if you die. You seemed like a nice enough old lady, even if you stole someone's body. I'm sure you had reasons. Even if they were morally ambiguous. I mean, what's right and what's wrong is kind of blurry, right?

<p style="text-align:center;">Look at me, monologuing to the old lady I'm probably about to kill. I'm getting soft.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: She unclasps the necklace. A disconcerting hum.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That was too easy.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A magic spell. The bed creaks as the duchess grows in size. The snores turn monstrous.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Oh wow. That's... not what I was expecting... Yikes. This might be a problem...

<p style="text-align:center;">SCENE 16'''. INT. GIL AND FAENDYR'S ROOM.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Knocking.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(other side of the door)

<p style="text-align:center;">Guys? Guys! Wake up! ... Ugh.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Lockpick. Door opens.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">(now in the room)

<p style="text-align:center;">Guys. Wake up.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT AND FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">*startled noises*

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Looks like you had a fun evening.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Shut up.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">(walking in)

<p style="text-align:center;">What's going on?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">So, good news, bad news.

<p style="text-align:center;">Good news, I have the relic.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">This couldn't have waited until morning?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Bad news, it appears that the Duchess is actually a vampire.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I should say, a vampire is posing as the Duchess. Because as soon as I took off the Relic, it was clearly someone else.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I beg your pardon?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin arrives

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, are we all sleeping in here?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing out of bed?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I have a question?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I think it's important?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh)

<p style="text-align:center;">What is it, Colin?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Is it normal for humans to keep skeletons and piles of clothing in their pantries?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No...?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay, I wasn't sure. 'Cos it's normal for faeries but I don't remember my human parents doing that.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Um, could you elaborate?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Well, my mum usually kept cheese and potatoes--

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin, about the skeletons.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Well, Kevin was more interested in them than I was. I was looking for food.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN

<p style="text-align:center;">*squeak*

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">He says the skeletons go back many years, and there are lots of them.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">It would appear--

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just have to tell someone or I'm going to die.

<p style="text-align:center;">I saw its... you know.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It was one of those ugly, gross vampires though. So.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ew.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What I'm saying is, I saw its ding-dong.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, we understood, thanks!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">It was... hard to miss.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Ew!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">What's a "ding-dong"?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods...

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Its uh, "member".

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh. What's it a member of?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm staying out of this.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It's a member of what? What guild is it a part of??

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">No. Its male uh... part?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! You mean its wenis!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">(dying)

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods...!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You could have just said "wenis". I'm not a baby; I know what a wenis is!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">This is your fault.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">What did I do?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">You said "ding-dong"!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, well, you said "member"!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Please! We need to focus! And if I am forced to hear another euphemism for male genitalia, I will stab someone.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Will you thrust a sword into them? ... What? I was just asking.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">As I was going to say, the vampire must have taken the Duchess' life. It used the relic to maintain an illusion spell, and assumed her place. Then it preyed on travelers who came by on their way to Amaranthyne looking for hospitality.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">It explains our clothes too.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Ew...! Oh my gods

<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I dunno, those robes look good, so. Whatever.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">It took her life?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you understand what that means, Colin?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.

<p style="text-align:center;">(beat)

<p style="text-align:center;">Where did it take it?

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Should we find it and give it back to her?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: MONSTROUS SCREECHING further down the hallway.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That doesn't sound good.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: KEANU screams from the same location.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu is in trouble!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Where is he?

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">On the stairs!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Can we get dressed first? No? Okay.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The companions run down the hall.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, I get this is a situation, but we're all wearing night clothes. And I'm wearing a negligee.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Shut up.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe the vampire will die from laughing...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">No, you look good.

<p style="text-align:center;">SCENE 17'''. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.'''

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey guys! Uh... is that a vampire?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, it is!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay. Cool cool cool. It looks like it's hungry.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The vampire hisses.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, I think you should run.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I think I should too, but I forget how stairs work? And also my legs.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I have a plan. Gil, ready your sword.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">*snorts*

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I will kill you with my bare hands.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I didn't say anything!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">On my word, you cast a spell of light.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Okay?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Vampires don't see well in bright light.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">He'll still be able to smell us, though.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">I have a plan for that too.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait... why do you have a bowl of my gruel?

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Ready?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gil draws his sword.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, assbutt!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Awww she said ass AND butt!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm allowed to!

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Hi vampire, please ignore me! I'm just a unicorn! Unicorns don't have blood! I don't think...

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Looking for this?

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bianka jiggles the necklace. A disconcerting hum.

<p style="text-align:center;">VAMPIRE

<p style="text-align:center;">That's mine, dwarf!

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? ... By the way you look really cute in those old lady pjs.

<p style="text-align:center;">VAMPIRE

<p style="text-align:center;">*screech*

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr! Now!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Lumen!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A sound of a bright light being cast.

<p style="text-align:center;">VAMPIRE

<p style="text-align:center;">*painful screech*

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Kinda hard to see now, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;">VAMPIRE

<p style="text-align:center;">You fools! I don't need to see to kill you- I can smell your blood!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Not after this... Catch!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Camilla throws a bowl of gruel. It hits the face of the vampire, and splatters on the floor.

<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU

<p style="text-align:center;">Nice! Right in the face!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">VAMPIRE

<p style="text-align:center;">What is that horrible smell?!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Gil! Quickly! Its head!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gil cuts off its head. It screeches and dies.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It's dead.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Kinda hard to not be, considering it's head isn't attached anymore.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Yay!

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh thank the gods.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">That was so hot, Gil.

<p style="text-align:center;">Phew, I need a drink. Anybody else need a drink?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You killed her.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What?

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">You killed the Duchess Withershanks, Gil! After you swore she would not die by your hand!

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! He did! You killed her, Gil! You murdered her!

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Rupert runs up

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">What in the infernal plane is going on-- my gods!

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">We can explain...

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">You've killed it. Thank the gods. We're free!

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, you knew?

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">The Duchess hadn't been herself for some time. She had ceased beating the servants for every minor infraction. I assumed it was just her mind failing her in her advanced age.

<p style="text-align:center;">Then, a few years ago, I saw the pantry.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">The skeletons?

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">They weren't skeletons at the time.

<p style="text-align:center;">ALL

<p style="text-align:center;">Ew.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I recognized the clothing as having belonged to previous guests. And they were clearly drained of all of their blood.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">That vampire told me all the servants and I would... end up in the pantry too, unless I kept my knowledge to myself.

<p style="text-align:center;">I tried to be as rude as possible to any guests so they would quickly leave of their own accord.

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS

<p style="text-align:center;">Ohhhhhh.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">You might want to check your shoes before you put them on.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I cannot thank you enough for freeing the duchy, and saving the lives of other travelers.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">That was why we came.

<p style="text-align:center;">KENAU

<p style="text-align:center;">It was? I thought we were here to--

<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS (NOT COLIN)

<p style="text-align:center;">NO KEANU.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry, Rupert. He's with us. Here ya go, big guy.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Necklace being handed over, disconcerting hum.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you. And I apologize that this ended up being more dangerous than I anticipated.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus puts it away.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm just glad we ended up murdering a vampire and not an old lady.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Pardon?

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Snowball sends her thanks. Or she would, if she understood the concept of gratitude, that is.

<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA

<p style="text-align:center;">Tell her to have mercy on us when she takes over the universe!

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sure she won't. Nonetheless, I will pass on your request... Oh! Is that a vampire corpse?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Do you all want that body?

<p style="text-align:center;">ALL

<p style="text-align:center;">No, no.

<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN

<p style="text-align:center;">I do.

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">No, Colin.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">I'll gladly take it off your hands... if you're certain you don't want it.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Please.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Body dragging.

<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS

<p style="text-align:center;">Yes. Well. Farewell.

<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: He portals away.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Again, you have our deepest gratitude.

<p style="text-align:center;">The only problem remaining is figuring out who will lead the duchy. All of the Duchess' relatives died out a long time ago. She was the end of her line.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Not quite. The Withershanks descended from Lord Kirk's youngest daughter. My father, King Alfred is her 5th cousin, twice removed.

<p style="text-align:center;">Congratulations, you are now part of the Kingdom of Kirkland. As such, I am your Crown Princess, and someday Queen. It is a great honor for you.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Uh.

<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA

<p style="text-align:center;">Someone will be along later this year to collect tribute.

<p style="text-align:center;">RUPERT

<p style="text-align:center;">Wonderful.

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">Congrats.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">After a peaceful night's sleep, their souls untroubled by their crime--

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">It wasn't... it was a vampire!!

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">The grateful servants fill the Companions' bags with delicious provisions so they will no longer suffer the indignity of Faendyr's gruel--

<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR

<p style="text-align:center;">I'm ignoring you from now on.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">They return to their journey to Amaranthyne. What perils will they encounter? What other old ladies will they slay?

<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT

<p style="text-align:center;">I didn't... ugh.

<p style="text-align:center;">BARD

<p style="text-align:center;">Will they procure the Hungering Band, their final relic? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

<p style="text-align:center;">CREDITS

<p style="text-align:center;">BLOOPER

<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL

<p style="text-align:center;">(as Keanu)

<p style="text-align:center;">Back to square one..... Back to stair one.

<p style="text-align:center;">(Silver, Bridgette and Lena laugh)

<p style="text-align:center;">LENA

<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no.

<p style="text-align:center;">END EPISODE

<p style="text-align:center;">

<p style="text-align:center;">