The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root Wiki
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NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

SCENE 1. EXT. ROAD TO AMARANTHYNE

Sound: The Companions WALK down a dirt road. Ambient nature sounds.

COLIN

(whiny)

How long til we get there?

EVERYONE ELSE

Oh my gods / Again? / Please / *squeak*

BARD

After a few days of tedious travel north from Briarthorne, the Companions have grown a bit cranky.

CAMILLA

Oh shut up, you.

BARD

Perhaps the murder of Duchess Withershanks weighs heavily on their souls.

GILBERT

I didn't- ugh, would you knock it off with that?!

BARD

Fortunately they are less than a day's walk from Amaranthyne- the capital of the Elven Imperium, the mighty and cultured northern neighbors of Kirkland.

FAENDYR

Wait, less than a day? Already?

GILBERT

What's wrong?

FAENDYR

Nothing. Everything's fine. Why would something be wrong?

CAMILLA

Because you're acting odd... odder than usual, I mean.

FAENDYR

I have been hitting my head a lot. The damage is probably affecting my personality.

KEANU

I'm, like, doing okay though. If anyone was, ya know, wondering or anything.

BIANKA

We're all very happy for you.

KEANU

Like, in case anyone wanted to check in. Cuz, you know, I died. And got put in a dead unicorn. And I have like, no memory of who I was before? Which is kind of a lot.

BIANKA

Oh. Sorry.

KEANU

Yeah.

GILBERT

Do you want to talk about it, Keanu?

KEANU

Not really... Why do you ask?

BARD

To arrive at the crystalline gates of the shining city of Amaranthyne their trip will not be all dappled sunlight and magical horses. Oh no. They must brave the perils of the enchanted Whispering Woods that guard the Imperium's border with Kirkland.

SOUND: Abrupt stop to any AMBIENT pleasant nature sounds.

CONTINUOUS:

SCENE 2. EXT. THE WHISPERING WOODS.

SOUND: Dark, forest-y, sinister. Unintelligible whispers throughout, the vocal equivalent of wind through leaves.

GILBERT

Well. I'm going guess this is the Whispering Woods.

FOREST

Oh wow smart one here / Yes obviously

KEVIN

Squeak

COLIN

It's okay Kevin, I'm scared too.

GILBERT

Hi, Scared I'm--

EVERYONE ELSE & FOREST

DON'T.

FAENDYR

Well. I guess that means we have to turn around.

CAMILLA

It's a bunch of trees.

FAENDYR

You do understand that this forest was enchanted by mages, right? This place does stuff to you. To your head.

KEANU

Niiice.

FAENDYR

I would rather climb down the White Cliffs of Amaranthyne using only a fork than go this way.

BIANKA

Your bravery is truly inspiring.

FAENDYR

I'm sorry, did you miss the bit where I said it DOES STUFF TO YOUR MIND?! And that's not even getting into the rodents of unusual size.

KEVIN

*squeak!*

CAMILLA

Our only other option is to take two weeks to walk the whole way around. The purpose of the Woods is to prevent those of ill intent and weak mind from entering the Imperium. We'll be fine.

KEANU

Huh? Sorry, I zoned out.

CAMILLA

(sigh)

However, that does not mean we should be foolhardy.

SOUND: Mechanical weapon being readied.

BIANKA

I'm locked and loaded. Lead on, Princess.

GILBERT

What's that?

BIANKA

It's a concealable crossbow. Made it myself.

GILBERT

That would have been helpful when we fought that vampire.

BIANKA

I wasn't finished with the prototype yet. Art takes time.

SOUND: CROSSBOW ARROW SHOOTS. HITS tree. BIRDS squawk and fly off.

COLIN

Oooooh!

FOREST

Ow. / Hey / Watch it!

BIANKA

Ooops.

GILBERT

It seems the trigger is a bit sensitive.

BIANKA

You just have to have the good touch. Which I do.

FAENDYR

I've changed my mind; I'd rather be carried off by a giant rat...

SOUND: Faendyr walks off with purpose

GILBERT

Wait, Faendyr! Don't get too far ahead!

SOUND: WOOD CREAKING, VINES, etc, as the forest attacks Faendyr.

FAENDYR

(from further in)

Ow! Hey! Watch it! Not the hair!

GILBERT

Do you need help?

FAENDYR

Incende!

SOUND: FIREBALL. Wood CREAKING, SQUEAKING in pain.

FAENDYR

Like that, huh? There's more where that came from.

CAMILLA

Well. Shall we?

SCENE 3. EXT. WHISPERING WOODS.

SOUND: Same environment as before, with the addition of the Companions walking down a dirt path through the forest.

BARD

And so the brave Sir Rodney leads his cowardly companions into the strange forest.

As they follow the path deeper and deeper through the ominous and sentient trees, the sunlight grows fainter, and the trees reach closer. What dangers lurk in the shadows?

SOUND: Creepy MUSIC, FOREST sounds. ANIMALS. An unsettling atmosphere. Beats between each section to build this sense of foreboding.

FOREST

[Whispers]

COLIN

Who was that?

BIANKA

Wasn't me.

KEANU

Uhh, me neither. I think.

FOREST

[Whispers]

KEANU

Oh yeah, that wasn't me.

SOUND: A groaning sound of trees and dirt shifting. Perhaps the addition of some dark, magical effect.

GILBERT

Uh... Did the path just... change?

FAENDYR

I hate this place so much.

SOUND: A vine snaps at him.

FAENDYR

Hey! You started it, okay?

SOUND: Growling behind them.

CAMILLA

I think it's better if we keep moving forward.

COLIN

Hail and well met, friend!

SOUND: Growl.

COLIN

Oh.

GILBERT

What did it say?

COLIN

That she looks forward to feasting on our desiccated flesh.

BIANKA

Oh, well, in that case.

CAMILLA

Let's move quickly, shall we?

---

FOREST

You'll never impress your father.

GILBERT

Leave me alone...!

---

FOREST

Cabbages...

COLIN

OoooOOOOoooh!

---

FOREST

You've had something in your teeth for a while and no one's mentioned it to you...

FAENDYR

(horrified)

Oh my gods!

FOREST

Haha just kidding. No one has ever loved you...

KEANU

(chewing)

Hey guys, did you know horses are, like, omnivores?

BIANKA

Ew. What do you have in your mouth?

KEANU

No idea my dude.

CAMILLA

Ugh.

COLIN

May I have some, Keanu?

GILBERT

Oh gods. No Colin! Keanu, please spit out whatever that is.

KEANU

(swallows)

Too late.

FAENDYR

Gross.

COLIN

Aw. I wanted some.

CONTINUOUS:

SCENE 4. EXT. GIL'S FOREST VISION.

SOUND: Something magical. Maybe an end to the forest noises? Or perhaps they grow louder. Essentially, each Companion is in their own unsettling vision. Although they are still close together, they can no longer see each other.

GILBERT

You can't just pick things off the ground and eat them, Colin-- Colin?

Wait. Where is everyone. Faendyr? Camilla? Bianka!

RODNEY

Hello, Gil.

GILBERT

Oh my gods!

Where did you come from? You're not in your stick.

RODNEY

It's me, Rodney.

GILBERT

I know who you are.

RODNEY

You only think you do.

GILBERT

What's that supposed to mean?

RODNEY

You'll see.

GILBERT

Oh. This isn't really happening, right? Is this some kind of omen, or is my brain just making up stuff under the influence of the forest?

RODNEY

Yes.

GILBERT

"Yes" to omen or "yes" to imagination?

RODNEY

Yes.

GILBERT

Uh. Okay.

RODNEY

You're smarter than you give yourself credit for.

GILBERT

Um. Thanks?

RODNEY

Watch your back, Gil. I'm rooting for you.[a beat] No pun intended.

GILBERT

Hey Rodney...?

SOUND: The ambiance from before the vision resumes.

GILBERT

Oh. He's gone. Okay. Great.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 5. EXT. BIANKA'S FOREST VISION.

SOUND: Same sound as Gil's vision.

BIANKA

Hello? Great. I'm alone in a weird forest. This is... fine. Not creepy at all. It's fine--

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Ah, Mistress Coalbrand...

BIANKA

(startled noise)

SOUND: arrow shooting

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

You shot me!

BIANKA

Sorry. But you did sneak up on me in the middle of a creepy forest. And you're already dead, so.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

You're a horrible young woman.

BIANKA

Guilty as charged.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

You murdered me.

BIANKA

That wasn't me. That was Gil.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

On your behest.

BIANKA

Also you were a vampire disguised as Duchess Withershanks, whom you actually did murder... and I'm assuming ate. So you did have it coming.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

You were fully prepared to murder me when you thought I was a helpless, kindly old woman.

BIANKA

There was a little more to it than that.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

I wonder what your friends will think when they discover what it is you really do.

SOUND: BIANKA shoots her again.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Hey.

BIANKA

Ooops.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

You did that on purpose!

SOUND: She shoots again.

BIANKA

That time I did.

TRANSITION TO:

KEANU'S FOREST VISION (AFTER BIANKA).

SOUND: A fair-ground atmosphere.

KEANU

Uh, hey guys? You seeing this too? Guys....? Woah.

What's that awesome delicious smell?

ANNOUNCER

Are you ready?!

AUDIENCE

Woooooo!!!

KEANU

Oh wow, who would have thought those funny pink meat sticks would smell so good!

ANNOUNCER

On your marks...

KEANU

Woah, are ALL those for me? Nice.

ANNOUNCER

Get set....

KEANU

(it dawns on him)

Hold on. I don't have hands!

ANNOUNCER

EAT!!!

AUDIENCE

WOOOOOOOO!!!!

KEANU

How am I supposed to eat if I don't have hands?! - Wow you guys eat fast - This isn't fair! I'm going to lose because I don't have hands! NooooOOOOooooOOOOOooooooo....!!!

SOUND: His "no"s fade out into an echo...

CAMILLA'S FOREST VISION 

CAMILLA

Keanu? Was that you? Where did everyone go off to?

SOUND: Footsteps approach.

PEERLESS

Hello your majesty.

CAMILLA

Ugh. Lord Peerless. Why are you dressed in ermine? You look like an idiot.

PEERLESS

I only wear garments befitting a king. Strange you do not recognize the station of your husband.

CAMILLA

I know what this is. I'm not an idiot. Get your inane vision right, Forest.

PEERLESS

Presumptuous, as always.

CAMILLA

When I am queen, if Lord Peerless is my husband, and this is a very big "if"- he will be a prince, not the King.

PEERLESS

That is assuming you will rule the kingdom.

CAMILLA

How dare you! I am the Crown Princess. I will be the next ruler of Kirkland.

PEERLESS

But then who will care for our twelve children?

SOUND: Babies crying.

CAMILLA

Oh my gods.

PEERLESS

You better go to them.

CAMILLA

I'm not listening to you anymore.

PEERLESS

Take your hands off of your ears.

CAMILLA

What was that? I can't hear you.

PEERLESS

Princess Camilla---

CAMILLA

La la la la la la.

PEERLESS

I have something very important to tell you.

CAMILLA

Pardon? Can't hear you.

PEERLESS

Very well. Farewell, Princess.

SOUND: He disappears.

CAMILLA

Oh. That worked? Alright then.

COLIN'S FOREST VISION 

COLIN

Ooooooh.

SOUND: A cabbage falls to the ground.

COLIN

What was that?

SOUND: Another cabbage.

COLIN

(gasp)

Cabbages....!

SOUND: A bunch of cabbages continue to fall, as if it were raining cabbages.

COLIN

Oooooooh...! Gil?! Keanu! Kevin! Help! It's raining cabbages!

SCENE 6. EXT. FAENDYR'S FOREST VISION.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

I can help you.

FAENDYR

Okay, now my staff is talking. That's normal.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

I can help you, Faendyr. But first you must help me. You wish to be respected. To be loved.

FAENDYR

Well, yeah. I mean, don't we all?

CONSUMER OF FLESH

You desire love and a sense of place more than most.

FAENDYR

Just snatch my wig...

CONSUMER OF FLESH

I chose you because of this desire.

FAENDYR

You chose me?

CONSUMER OF FLESH

To be loved, you must be respected. To be respected, you must have power. I can give you this power. But you must trust me.

FAENDYR

Okay, cool. I mean, obviously this isn't real. This is just the Woods messing with my head, yeah?

CONSUMER OF FLESH

If that is how your mind must process this, then so be it.

FAENDYR

So... that's a 'no' then?

CONSUMER OF FLESH

You must keep me safe. There are others who want me. The Imperium. The Keepers. That witch. They don't understand what I can do, what I am. You must keep me out of their hands.

FAENDYR

The Keepers? What in the Infernal Plane is that?

CONSUMER OF FLESH

They are the ones in the shadows, pulling strings they have no right to touch.

FAENDYR

Um. Okay. The thing is, keeping you is kind of a problem.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

The choice is yours, elf.

FAENDYR

I think you're pretty cool... awesome, even. My magic is like 200% better with you.

But we made a deal with Gwendolyn. That's why we're doing this whole crazy thing.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

Is that why you chose this journey, Faendyr?

FAENDYR

Not entirely.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

If you wish to help Sir Gilbert return his lover to life then, by all means, hand me over to the witch.

FAENDYR

Oh. Gil and Rodney, huh? Wow. Okay.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

Does he know why you left Amaranthyne?

FAENDYR

No. No one does.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

What do you think will happen to you if you walk up to the gates with your Companions?

FAENDYR

Nothing great, that's for sure.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

We want the same things, Faendyr. But if you surrender me to anyone, understand--

SOUND: Distant trumpets.

CONSUMER OF FLESH

I must leave you. The spell has been broken.

FAENDYR

Wait! What's going on?

CONSUMER OF FLESH

Remember what I said.

SCENE 7. WHISPERING WOODS.

SOUND: The "normal" Whispering Wood ambiance resumes. Colin runs up.

COLIN

Faendyr! There you are!

SOUND: Colin hugs Faendyr

FAENDYR

Hey Colin-- oh. You're hugging my waist.

COLIN

I thought I'd never see you again!

SOUND: Everyone else walks up.

BIANKA

That was weird, right?

CAMILLA

Extremely.

COLIN

There were so many cabbages...!

GILBERT

I saw Rodney. I mean, out of his root.

FAENDYR

(trying to sound normal)

Oh yeah? What did he say?

GILBERT

Not a lot, really.

CAMILLA

I saw Peerless as King. As if I wouldn't kill him before that happened.

KEANU

There were a bunch of unicorns. But they were uuuuuuh, like, in cages? That's weird right?

SOUND: DISTANT trumpets.

CAMILLA

There's that noise again.

COLIN

What is it?

GILBERT

Faendyr, what do your elf ears hear?

FAENDYR

(harsh)

You guys do realize that just because my ears are pointed, I don't automatically hear better than humans, right?

GILBERT

You okay?

FAENDYR

Sorry. I'm a little on edge.

KEANU

You guys do remember I'm a unicorn right? You could've asked me.

COLIN

What did you hear, Keanu?

KEANU

I don't remember now.

SOUND: TRUMPETS again

KEANU

Now I remember! It's um, oh shoot. You know when people like... blow through this metal tube thing? To, like, uhhh... make noise?

COLIN

Trumpets?

KEANU

No that's not it.

COLIN

Frogs?

KEANU

Maybe?

CAMILLA

It's the ramparts of Amaranthyne. We must be close.

GILBERT

Thank the gods. Let's go!

FAENDYR

Hey, uh. I'm gonna stay here.

GILBERT

What? Why?

FAENDYR

Just... elf stuff.

GILBERT

What are you talking about?

FAENDYR

Elf stuff! You know! ... I gotta... meditate.

BIANKA

In the Whispering Woods?

KEANU

Dude, if you gotta poop just say so.

FAENDYR

Ew! No!

KEANU

Dude, it's cool. I poop like, wherevs. Nobody cares.

FAENDYR

Because you're a horse!... And I don't have to!

KEANU

Okay, bud. Whatever you say. Wink.

FAENDYR

I'm not talking to you anymore. To everyone else: You go ahead. I'll stay here.

COLIN

We shouldn't split the party!

FAENDYR

I'm not moving from this spot. Colliga me! [KALL-ee-GAH may]

SOUND: Magic. Ropes.

COLIN

Oooooh!

GILBERT

Did you just tie yourself to a tree with magical rope?

FAENDYR

... Obviously.

GILBERT

Why?

FAENDYR

I thought it would be dramatic.

CAMILLA

Oh my gods.

KEANU

I get it, bro.

CAMILLA

If you're going to be child Faendyr, so be it. Come along, everyone.

FAENDYR

Don't take too long finding the relic though, okay?

CAMILLA

(grimly)

I make no guarantees. Shall we?

BIANKA

After you, your majesty.

SOUND: Walking away

FAENDYR

Wait wait wait!

COLIN

Yes?

KEANU

What's up, man?

FAENDYR

No, you guys keep walking, I want to talk to Gil.

SOUND: The others walk off

Scene 10.2

GILBERT

What is it?

FAENDYR

I just want to say...

GILBERT

Yes?

FAENDYR

The time we've spent together has been really important to me.

GILBERT

Yeah me too.

FAENDYR

Especially because-- well, I just want to say...

GILBERT

Yes...?

FAENDYR

Can you take Fleshy for me?

GILBERT

What?

FAENDYR

Sorry, Ol' Flesh Eater...? The staff?

GILBERT

Oh. Sure.

FAENDYR

I have to admit, I've gotten kind of attached--

GILBERT

Yeah?

FAENDYR

To the staff.

GILBERT

Of course, that's what I thought you were going to say.

FAENDYR

I want you to take good care of it, in case something happens.

GILBERT

Faendyr, what's going on? What do you think is going to happen?

FAENDYR

I... I can't tell you. I'm sorry.

GILBERT

I'm sorry too.

FAENDYR

Can you get it though? I'm uh, kinda tied up at the moment.

GILBERT

Sure.

SOUND: GIL picks up the staff.

FAENDYR

Don't give it to anyone.

GILBERT

Of course.

FAENDYR

I mean anyone.

GILBERT

Okay.

FAENDYR

You better get going.

GILBERT

Yeah. See you later.

FAENDYR

I'll be here.

That's a joke. Because I'm tied up?

GILBERT

No, I got it.

FAENDYR

You didn't laugh though.

GILBERT

Bye, Faendyr.

SOUND: Gil walking away

FAENDYR

Bye!

SOUND: Woods creaking. Maybe a cricket.

FAENDYR

Well. This is. Fun.

SCENE 8. EXT. GATES OF AMARANTHYNE.

BARD

And so the - shall we call them "brave" - Companions arrive in the capital city of the Elven Imperium: Amaranthyne. Finally.

The prosperous city bustles with the sounds of a thousand inhabitants from across the continent going about their lives.

And above it all, its towers scraping the clouds, is the gleaming palace of the Eternal Empress.

But not all may enter. The crystalline complex is surrounded by the White Cliffs, traversed only by a single, gated bridge.

To journey on, the Companions must face their most arduous challenge yet: Customs.

GUARD

What's with the talking horse?

COLIN

He's a unicorn!

KEANU

It's okay, my dude. I think I'm a horse sometimes myself, too.

CAMILLA

How do you not recognize a unicorn?

GUARD

I'm a palace guard, not a College professor. Like all humans are into cheese.

COLIN

Who has cheese?

SOUND: Gil walks up

GILBERT

Did I miss anything?

COLIN

Where is the cheese?!

GUARD

Wait, who's this?

CAMILLA

There you are. This is Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard.

COLIN

You can't bring up cheese and not give me any!

GUARD

You're the Chicken Affair guy!

GILBERT

(uncomfortable)

Yep, that's me.

BIANKA

What did Stretch want? Wait, why do you have the staff?

GILBERT

That's what he wanted.

BIANKA

You look like you're awkwardly holding a dragon. You want me to take it?

GILBERT

I would love to, this thing gives me the creeps, but Faendyr wants me to have it. He was... very insistent.

BIANKA

Your call, Sir Knight.

GUARD

Wait a moment. I didn't see you down there, dwarf.

BIANKA

Oh ha ha.

GUARD

You're Bianka Coalbrand.

BIANKA

I see my reputation precedes me.

GUARD

It does. You may not enter the Imperial Palace without written dispensation.

BIANKA

Seriously?!

CAMILLA

Bianka works for me. She is an indispensable part of my retinue as the Crown Princess of Kirkland.

GUARD

Sorry, but she can't enter the palace.

CAMILLA

I would hate for you to get into trouble with your superiors for causing an international incident with your most powerful ally.

GUARD

"Most powerful" is kind of a stretch...

CAMILLA

My father started an international incident over a chicken. It's unwise to upset the royal family of Kirkland. We are petty and have long memories.

GUARD

Sorry. Rules are rules.

CAMILLA

(sighs, annoyed)

SOUND: book opening, writing, paper tearing

CAMILLA

Oh look, what's this? A written dispensation allowing Bianka Coalbrand to enter the Palace from the High Princess and Heir to the Throne of Kirkland.

BIANKA

How convenient.

GUARD

Very well. But you will be held accountable for her actions.

CAMILLA

I assure you, there will be no trouble.

BIANKA

Uh, yep, what she said.

GUARD

I'm afraid I can't make an exception for the um, unicorn.

COLIN

But he talks.

GUARD

Even if he talks. We have a strict rule barring farm animals in court. As a result of the Chicken Affair, in fact.

KEANU

It's okay, lil man. I'll be fine out here.

GUARD

Oh, no! We will provide a stable for you, of course. We have the finest stable-hands in the whole of Ilsylian, and we import luxury hay from across the Glass Sea. You will be very comfortable, I assure you.

KEANU

Niiiiice! Sign me up. I've only been a horse for like, two weeks now though. Just to warn you.

GUARD

Ah, here's the stable hand now. Enjoy your stay.

AS THEY WALK AWAY:

KEANU

Thanks, bro! Be good, Colin.

STABLE HAND

Oh gods, you can talk??

KEANU

Wait, you can talk?! Oh, no, people are supposed to. Haha, nevermind.

GUARD

As for the rest of you, please this way.

SCENE 9. INT. THE EMPRESS' THRONE ROOM.

MUSIC and SOUND: A transition with COURTLY SOUNDS, live MUSIC, sparkly elven stuff.

SOUND: A large door OPENS. The live elements get louder as the Companions enter.

GILBERT

Oh wow.

COLIN

Ooooooooh!

BIANKA

Okay, seeing this, I kind of get why elves are the way they are, you know?

COURTIER

Behold her supreme majesty, The Eternal Empress, Keeper of the Immortal Flame, Guardian of the Diamond Throne, Patron of the Amaranthian Domain--

BIANKA

Just meeting the most powerful person in the world. Cool cool cool.

COURTIERS

*Displeased, shocked noises*

CAMILLA

Forgive my companion, Empress. She is unused to such pomp and circumstance.

BIANKA

Yeah, this is really not my kind of venue. I'm more of a street-and-bar type of woman... I'm going to be quiet now.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

You are fortunate, mortals. Few of your kind are permitted into the heart of our Empire, to lay eyes on the seat of our eternal power--

COLIN

Hail and well met! I've never seen an elf before!

COURTIERS

*more displeased, shocked noises*

GILBERT

Faendyr is an elf.

COLIN

Is he?

CAMILLA

Colin! Don't you need to take Kevin outside?

KEVIN

Squeak.

COLIN

He's good.

CAMILLA

Take. Him. Outside.

COLIN

Okay!

SOUND: Colin walks away.

CAMILLA

Empress, I send greetings from the throne of Kirkland--

COLIN

(from further away)

Hello door-elves! Please let me out!

SOUND: Doors opening.

CAMILLA

I am--

COLIN

Ooooh! They opened the doors for me when I asked! Did you guys see?

CAMILLA

I am--

COLIN

Did you see?

GILBERT

Yes, Colin, we saw.

CAMILLA

I'll wait.

COLIN

Bye friends!

SOUND: DOORS start to CLOSE

CAMILLA

I am--

COLIN

You must not have heard me. I said "bye"

BIANKA, GIL, CAMILLA

Goodbye Colin!

COLIN

Kevin says bye too.

CAMILLA

Close the door!

COLIN

I love you!

SOUND: DOORS CLOSING

Scene 12.2

CAMILLA

I am the Crown Princess Camilla, daughter of Alfred the King, duchess of Brador and heir to the throne of Kirkland.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

Yes, I am aware of who you are. I extend my greetings to your father. Who is the knight?

GILBERT

Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard, your majesty.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

A Wyvernguard rose to distinction in the war against the Trance Worm. A relative?

GILBERT

Yes, majesty. My grandmother Vera of Lakewallow.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

I remember her. A brave and supremely skilled woman. Her son also became a renowned warrior did he not?

GILBERT

(rather not talk about this)

Yeah. My father.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

You come from a storied line, Sir Gilbert. What boasts may you proclaim?

GILBERT

Um. Well. I'm the third best knight in Kirkland. After Peerless and Rodney.

CAMILLA

With respect, Empress, we did not make the long journey to your court to discuss Sir Gilbert's family.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

Of course. What brings you--

SOUND: Doors opening, hurried FOOTSTEPS

COURTIERS

(surprised, intrigued noises)

CAMILLA

I swear to the gods, if I turn around and it's Colin--

GUARD

Your supreme majesty!

ETERNAL EMPRESS

What is it?

GUARD

We found the fugitive.

ETERNAL EMPRESS

Bring him before me!

GUARD

Bring him to the Empress!

SOUND: Guards WALKING, CHAINS.

COURTIERS

(shocked noises. Maybe whispering like "it's the Empress' brother." "Is that Faendyr?" "I can't believe it" )

Scene 12.3

GUARD

We found him tied to a tree outside the ramparts, your majesty.

CAMILLA

Oh no.

GILBERT

Faendyr?!

FAENDYR

Oh, hey guys. How's it goin'?

BARD

Oh my. It looks like Faendyr has gotten himself into a bit of trouble. But how? And will the Companions finally get their greedy little hands on the final relic? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

BLOOPER

SILVER

(As Gil)

Do you need help?

TATUM

.... Somebody help me. (laugher)  InSENday?

LAURA

In-KEN-day

TATUM

Incende!

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