The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root Wiki
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<blockquote>Please note this is currently the recording scipt. It needs some minor edits to match the published episode, especially noting the final sound effects and their timing.</blockquote><p style="text-align:center;"></p>
''' INTRODUCTION'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
RECAP OF LAST EPISODE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!</p>
MUSIC: THEME
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
BARD
 
  +
</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SUNKEN KINGDOM'''</p>
Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
RECAP
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">This is insane! It's impossible to find a unicorn in the wild.</p>
SOUND: MAGICAL SPARKLY NOISES. HORSE WHINNY.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have to say, I feel really good about the way things are going. We have the staff and a unicorn just fell into our laps. Well done, everyone.</p>
Is that?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The unicorn WHEEZES, then COLLAPSES.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL</p>
It can't be.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods! / surprised noises</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Oh gods, I'm hallucinating. I see a unicorn!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You didn't come look for me-- Ooooooh...!</p>
CONTINUOUS:
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
'''SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SUNKEN KINGDOM'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What's wrong with it?</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
This is insane! It's impossible to find a unicorn in the wild.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. You guys see it too?</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Somebody give me a hand up, I'm laying in my own vomit. Ugh.</p>
I have to say, I feel really good about the way things are going. We have the staff and a unicorn just fell into our laps. Well done, everyone.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SOUND: The unicorn WHEEZES, then COLLAPSES.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here. Are you alright?</p>
ALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Faendyr stands up, brushes himself off.</p>
Oh my gods! / surprised noises
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Not sure about Sparkles over there. Is it dead?</p>
You didn't come look for me-- Ooooooh...!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know.</p>
What's wrong with it?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Go check!</p>
Oh. You guys see it too?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Somebody give me a hand up, I'm laying in my own vomit. Ugh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know how to take a unicorn's pulse!</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Here. Are you alright?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fine. I'll do it.</p>
SOUND: Faendyr stands up, brushes himself off.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(under her breath)</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Bunch of babies.</p>
Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Not sure about Sparkles over there. Is it dead?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: She walks over.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
I don't know.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Will he be alright?</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Go check!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, kid. I'm afraid not.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
I don't know how to take a unicorn's pulse!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sad)</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh.</p>
Fine. I'll do it.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
(under her breath)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">If it's any consolation, kid, he looks like he was an old guy. He lived a long, full life.</p>
Bunch of babies.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SOUND: She walks over.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't believe this. The gods hate us!</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Will he be alright?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Now what are we going to do? We're not going to just bump into another unicorn.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Sorry, kid. I'm afraid not.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose we could head back to Rippling Brook and--</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
(sad)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I will never deign to set foot in that hell hole again.</p>
Ooooooh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have an idea. It's a little out there but bear with me.</p>
If it's any consolation, kid, he looks like he was an old guy. He lived a long, full life.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">More "out there" than a grown man trapped inside of a stick?</p>
I don't believe this. The gods hate us!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know Rodney can't defend himself.</p>
Now what are we going to do? We're not going to just bump into another unicorn.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">A... work acquaintance of mine lives near here.</p>
I suppose we could head back to Rippling Brook and--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's nice. And?</p>
I will never deign to set foot in that hell hole again.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's a necromancer.</p>
I have an idea. It's a little out there but bear with me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Are you serious?</p>
More "out there" than a grown man trapped inside of a stick?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It could work.</p>
You know Rodney can't defend himself.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't know. Necromancy... most mages won't touch that stuff with a 10 foot lance.</p>
A... work acquaintance of mine lives near here.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What are our other options?</p>
That's nice. And?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We take some of its hair to give to Gwendolyn and we find a common horse and stick a horn on it for the zoological garden. My father will never know the difference.</p>
He's a necromancer.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But if unicorns are endangered, shouldn't we do everything we can to save one?</p>
Are you serious?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He does have a point.</p>
It could work.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks, Dad!</p>
I don't know. Necromancy... most mages won't touch that stuff with a 10 foot lance.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ha. He called you dad.</p>
What are our other options?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're very silly, Other Dad!</p>
We take some of its hair to give to Gwendolyn and we find a common horse and stick a horn on it for the zoological garden. My father will never know the difference.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no.</p>
But if unicorns are endangered, shouldn't we do everything we can to save one?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Cool, so that's four to one.</p>
He does have a point.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know necromancy has been banned in the Imperium since the Demon Wars. Because- oh you know- The Demon Wars.</p>
Thanks, Dad!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're not in the Elven Imperium, though.</p>
Ha. He called you dad.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And Kirkland didn't throw off the rule of the Imperium to let their magickal College make the rules in our own country.</p>
You're very silly, Other Dad!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on. Gil?</p>
Oh no.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, but I have to save Rodney. And if that involves, necromancy, so be it.</p>
Cool, so that's four to one.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Looks like you're still outnumbered, Stretch.</p>
You know necromancy has been banned in the Imperium since the Demon Wars. Because- oh you know- The Demon Wars.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">"Stretch." Hilarious. I'm so glad you've joined our party.</p>
We're not in the Elven Imperium, though.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever. Is this necromancer far? Cuz I don't know if you guys remember, but I'm injured.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
And Kirkland didn't throw off the rule of the Imperium to let their magickal College make the rules in our own country.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're fine.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Oh come on. Gil?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have a ''concussion''!</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Sorry, but I have to save Rodney. And if that involves, necromancy, so be it.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Walk it off.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Looks like you're still outnumbered, Stretch.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's maybe an hour's walk from here. We should probably hop to it though, or our new friend is going to start to smell.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
"Stretch." Hilarious. I'm so glad you've joined our party.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Speaking of... how are we going to get him there?</p>
Whatever. Is this necromancer far? Cuz I don't know if you guys remember, but I'm injured.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not it!</p>
You're fine.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, Stretch.</p>
I have a ''concussion''!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on!</p>
Walk it off.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I thought you were a Master of the Arcane? Just levitate him or whatever it is you mages do.</p>
He's maybe an hour's walk from here. We should probably hop to it though, or our new friend is going to start to smell.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I can't propel him forward at the same time too!</p>
Speaking of... how are we going to get him there?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You levitate him and I'll push.</p>
Not it!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know, maybe Bianka's necromancer friend can resurrect the Bard.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BEAT.</p>
Sorry, Stretch.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">... Nah.</p>
Oh come on!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: MUSIC</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: TRANSITION</p>
I thought you were a Master of the Arcane? Just levitate him or whatever it is you mages do.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 2. INT. GWENDOLYN'S HUT.'''</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A HORSE approaches, stops. It WHINNES. It's rider DISMOUNTS. We hear their FOOTSTEPS as Gwendolyn talks to herself:</p>
I can't propel him forward at the same time too!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooop, no you don't!</p>
You levitate him and I'll push.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Smash, like a wooden mallet hitting a table. Glasses and plates jump.</p>
You know, maybe Bianka's necromancer friend can resurrect the Bard.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
BEAT.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Haha! Take that! Enjoy your bath</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(chuckle)</p>
... Nah.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: She drops something... someone? into water. A cauldron boils over.</p>
SOUND: MUSIC
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
SOUND: TRANSITION
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Now where did I put that hemlock...</p>
'''SCENE 2. EXT. FORREST BY GWENDOLYN'S HUT.'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The rider knocks on the door.</p>
We hear the same river as before. The same environment, but it's daytime now.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
SOUND: A HORSE approaches, stops. It WHINNES. It's rider DISMOUNTS. We hear their FOOTSTEPS. As they get closer to the hut, we can hear Gwendolyn talking to herself:
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Go away! I'm busy. Come back at the next harvest moon!</p>
GWENDOLYN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The door opens.</p>
(muffled, from inside)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
Ooop, no you don't!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Gwendolyn.</p>
SOUND: Smash, like a wooden mallet hitting a table. Glasses and plates jump.
 
   
GWENDOLYN
+
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. Lord Perfect.</p>
Haha! Take that! Enjoy your bath
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
(chuckle)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Peerless.</p>
SOUND: She drops something into water. A cauldron boils over.
 
   
GWENDOLYN
+
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I was wondering when you'd come back. I trust you still haven't found your wayward fiancée?</p>
Now where did I put that hemlock...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
SOUND: The rider knocks on the door.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That was merely a ruse. Her majesty may fall into the Great Abyss for all I care. Frankly, that would make things easier for me.</p>
GWENDOLYN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have more important matters to attend to.</p>
Go away! I'm busy. Come back at the next harvest moon!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GWENDOLYN</p>
SOUND: The door opens.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm all ears.</p>
'''SCENE 3. INT. GWENDOLYN'S HUT.'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I'm not ''literally ''all ears. Could you imagine? Wooof, eldritch horror alert!</p>
Same cozy environment as before, but with the addition of her cauldron bubbling.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Anyway, what can I do ya for?</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.'''</p>
Gwendolyn.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CROWS, maybe THUNDER. Generally OMINOUS.</p>
GWENDOLYN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Ah. Lord Perfect.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh.</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Peerless.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, this certainly looks like a castle a necromancer would be at home in.</p>
GWENDOLYN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
I was wondering when you'd come back. I trust you still haven't found your wayward fiancée?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">So I have to ask, this friend of yours, is he an elf or...?</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
That was merely a ruse. Her majesty may fall into the Great Abyss for all I care. Frankly, that would make things easier for me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's human.</p>
I have more important matters to attend to.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
GWENDOLYN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic! Let's just throw demons into the mix. Everything has been going so well, after all. What could go wrong?</p>
I'm all ears.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Well, I'm not ''literally ''all ears. Could you imagine? Wooof, eldritch horror alert!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Demons?</p>
Anyway, what can I do ya for?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
'''SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">They live in another dimension, like faeries, only... they're meaner.</p>
CROWS, maybe THUNDER. Generally OMINOUS.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Meaner than faeries?! Oooooh.</p>
Oooooooh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Only elves can naturally use magic. If a human wants to, they have to make a pact with a demon.</p>
Well, this certainly looks like a castle a necromancer would be at home in.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Humans can't do magic?</p>
So I have to ask, this friend of yours, is he an elf or...?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Nope. Sorry.</p>
He's human.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But I can talk to animals. Isn't that magic?</p>
Fantastic! Let's just throw demons into the mix. Everything has been going so well, after all. What could go wrong?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)</p>
Demons?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;"><nowiki>*</nowiki>squeak*</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
They live in another dimension, like faeries, only... they're meaner.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh, Kevin!</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Meaner than faeries?! Oooooh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(dad tone:)</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why is there squeaking coming from your pocket?</p>
Only elves can naturally use magic. If a human wants to, they have to make a pact with a demon.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's my bag... and I have no idea!</p>
Humans can't do magic?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Colin...</p>
Nope. Sorry.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin's bag flap opening.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN</p>
But I can talk to animals. Isn't that magic?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;"><nowiki>*</nowiki>squeak*</p>
KEVIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
(muffled)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Have you had a rat in your satchel since we left Jade Reach?</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>squeak*
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes.</p>
Shhh, Kevin!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Nice.</p>
(dad tone:)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Why is there squeaking coming from your pocket?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
It's my bag... and I have no idea!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not to change the subject- because we ''will'' discuss this later, kid- but as thrilling as it is to cast a levitation spell for the last hour and a half, it's a bit draining on the ol' mana reserves.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Colin...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You can't handle maintaining a simple levitation spell?</p>
SOUND: Colin's bag flap opening.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
KEVIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm levitating a ''full grown horse''. Not a Pomeranian.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>squeak*
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What's a pomergranian?</p>
Have you had a rat in your satchel since we left Jade Reach?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Pomeranian. It's a miniature dragon breed.</p>
Yes.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I had a Pomeranian when I was younger. She had a fondness for disemboweling the servants.</p>
Nice.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Adorable. So, how do we do this, Bianka? We just go up and knock on the portcullis, or...?</p>
Oh my gods.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh ho. No. Malphoreus will reveal himself to us.</p>
Not to change the subject- because we ''will'' discuss this later, kid- but as thrilling as it is to cast a levitation spell for the last hour and a half, it's a bit draining on the ol' mana reserves.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">How?</p>
You can't handle maintaining a simple levitation spell?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, you'll see.</p>
I'm levitating a ''full grown horse''. Not a Pomeranian.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A magical SPELL taking effect. Sound of EARTH MOVING, MOANING.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
What's a pomergranian?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What's going on?</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Pomeranian. It's a miniature dragon breed.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Just watch.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Clanking BONES, moaning.</p>
I had a Pomeranian when I was younger. She had a fondness for disemboweling the servants.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OOooooOOOOoooohhhhh!</p>
Adorable. So, how do we do this, Bianka? We just go up and knock on the portcullis, or...?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh! A skeleton! Hail and well met, friend!</p>
Oh ho. No. Malphoreus will reveal himself to us.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're pretty brave, kid. I've seen grown men turn tail and run at the sight of a skeleton digging itself out of the ground.</p>
How?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SILENCE!</p>
Oh, you'll see.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
SOUND: A magical SPELL taking effect. Sound of EARTH MOVING, MOANING.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry Steve. Didn't mean to ruin the effect there.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
What's going on?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(his "normal" voice)</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, hey Bianka!</p>
Just watch.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
SOUND: Clanking BONES, moaning.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Please, continue. I want them to get the full experience.</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
OOooooOOOOoooohhhhh!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh yeah, sure thing! Anything for you Queen B.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(clears his throat, then scary voice again:)</p>
Ooooooh! A skeleton! Hail and well met, friend!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of Malphoreus the Deathless! The bonds of time and mortality mean nothing to him! He has stared into the abyss and the abyss awkwardly looked away!! Turn back now if you value your sanity!!!</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
You're pretty brave, kid. I've seen grown men turn tail and run at the sight of a skeleton digging itself out of the ground.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooh this is new.</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
SILENCE!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">("normal")</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I'm trying out something different. Too much?</p>
Sorry Steve. Didn't mean to ruin the effect there.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No, I like it.</p>
(his "normal" voice)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Oh, hey Bianka!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(as if from the castle:)</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Steven! Are they gone?</p>
Please, continue. I want them to get the full experience.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, no. I didn't know if you wanted me to run them off or...? I mean, it's Bianka and some friends though, so. And they have a floating horse?</p>
Oh yeah, sure thing! Anything for you Queen B.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus opens a PORTAL and appears before them.</p>
(clears his throat, then scary voice again:)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of Malphoreus the Deathless! The bonds of time and mortality mean nothing to him! He has stared into the abyss and the abyss awkwardly looked away!! Turn back now if you value your sanity!!!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(Surprised noises)</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Ooh this is new.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! Where did you come from? Were you hiding? Ooh! Were you invisible?!</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
("normal")
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No child. I used my advanced grasp of magicks to bend space and time to create a portal and appear before you.</p>
Yeah, I'm trying out something different. Too much?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!</p>
No, I like it.
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">As for you, Steven, you are no help at all. I don't know why I keep you around.</p>
(as if from the castle:)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus SNAPS his finger. Steve collapses with a RATTLE OF BONES hitting the ground.</p>
Steven! Are they gone?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Steve!</p>
Uh, no. I didn't know if you wanted me to run them off or...? I mean, it's Bianka and some friends though, so. And they have a floating horse?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
SOUND: Malphoreus opens a PORTAL and appears before them.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't worry about him. He's already dead, what's the worst that could happen? Haha. Sorry, necromancy humor.</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings. I am Malphoreus the Deathless.</p>
(Surprised noises)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hey. Hi.</p>
Ooooh! Where did you come from? Were you hiding? Ooh! Were you invisible?!
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Did Steven get to the new bit about the abyss?</p>
No child. I used my advanced grasp of magicks to bend space and time to create a portal and appear before you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It was good, I liked it.</p>
Oooooh!
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I must say, Bianka, I'm surprised to see you so soon. Unless I've become unmoored from this plane's space-time continuum again...</p>
As for you, Steven, you are no help at all. I don't know why I keep you around.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
SOUND: Malphoreus SNAPS his finger. Steve collapses with a RATTLE OF BONES hitting the ground.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. No, I'm freelancing.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Steve!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. I assume this floating, dead unicorn is the clue to why you're at my portcullis. Unless this is a new trend with you centennials. I haven't been keeping up with popular culture.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Don't worry about him. He's already dead, what's the worst that could happen? Haha. Sorry, necromancy humor.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Can we speed this up? I'm dying here.</p>
Greetings. I am Malphoreus the Deathless.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Then you've come to the right place. Haha. Sorry.</p>
Hey. Hi.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Malphoreus- I am the Crown Princess Camilla.</p>
Did Steven get to the new bit about the abyss?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am aware of who you are. You're on the money.</p>
It was good, I liked it.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">This unicorn is a matter of national import.</p>
I must say, Bianka, I'm surprised to see you so soon. Unless I've become unmoored from this plane's space-time continuum again...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(skeptical)</p>
Oh. No, I'm freelancing.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">May I inquire how?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Ah. I assume this floating, dead unicorn is the clue to why you're at my portcullis. Unless this is a new trend with you centennials. I haven't been keeping up with popular culture.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's all very hush-hush, I'm afraid.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Can we speed this up? I'm dying here.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I will lend you my aid, your highness. Provided this is not part of a petty tit-for-tat between Kings Alfred and Jeffrey.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Then you've come to the right place. Haha. Sorry.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Malphoreus- I am the Crown Princess Camilla.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">A necromancer has enough enemies without involving themselves in the politics of the physical realm.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
I am aware of who you are. You're on the money.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No no, nope. Haha no.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
This unicorn is a matter of national import.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Come with me.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal opening.</p>
(skeptical)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
May I inquire how?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Right this way.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
It's all very hush-hush, I'm afraid.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're really into portals, huh?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
I will lend you my aid, your highness. Provided this is not part of a petty tit-for-tat between Kings Alfred and Jeffrey.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I sold my soul to a demon, son. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Portal closing</p>
Uh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 5. INT. MALPHOREUS' STUDY.'''</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Potions BUBBLING. The sense of a smaller room in castle, stone walls, floors. MAGICAL yet DISCONCERTING ambiance.</p>
A necromancer has enough enemies without involving themselves in the politics of the physical realm.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome to my castle. Specifically to my laboratory. Most who enter do not leave. Well, not alive and in their original body. Haha. Sorry.</p>
No no, nope. Haha no.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Can I put this down?</p>
Come with me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
SOUND: Portal opening.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, please do, on that runèd table there--</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Unicorn DROPPING on stone, heavy. Maybe a bone cracking.</p>
Right this way.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''Gently''.</p>
You're really into portals, huh?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oops.</p>
I sold my soul to a demon, son. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
SOUND: Portal closing
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Let's see what we're dealing with here...</p>
'''SCENE 5. INT. MALPHOREUS' STUDY.'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Something magical and strange.</p>
Potions BUBBLING. The sense of a smaller room in castle, stone walls, floors. MAGICAL yet DISCONCERTING ambiance.
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well. I have good news and bad news.</p>
Welcome to my castle. Specifically to my laboratory. Most who enter do not leave. Well, not alive and in their original body. Haha. Sorry.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course.</p>
Can I put this down?
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Good news, the corpse may still house a soul. However its own spirit has long fled. I cannot call it back.</p>
Yes, please do, on that runèd table there--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SOUND: Unicorn DROPPING on stone, heavy. Maybe a bone cracking.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">So that's it, we're just stuck with a dead unicorn?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
''Gently''.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I could pull a lost soul out of the Netherplane, but I understand if that's not--</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Oops.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's not a problem.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Let's see what we're dealing with here...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's not? Most people want the original soul. For sentimental reasons, I'm told.</p>
SOUND: Something magical and strange.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Forgive the question, but have one of you died recently? I am sensing another soul. Purely professional curiosity, you understand.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Well. I have good news and bad news.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I mean it was a close call for me back there.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Of course.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait. Could it be Rodney?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Good news, the corpse may still house a soul. However its own spirit has long fled. I cannot call it back.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's impossible for me to tell the identity without performing a complicated ritual. Which will be extra.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
So that's it, we're just stuck with a dead unicorn?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">A friend of mine, Sir Rodney, was turned into a root. This one here, actually.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
I could pull a lost soul out of the Netherplane, but I understand if that's not--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I was wondering what that was about, but I thought it rude to inquire.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I must say that is a very... odd use of magic. Wait, was it that no-good witch Gwendolyn?</p>
That's not a problem.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! You know her?</p>
It's not? Most people want the original soul. For sentimental reasons, I'm told.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Forgive the question, but have one of you died recently? I am sensing another soul. Purely professional curiosity, you understand.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Unfortunately. The magical community in the human kingdoms is small, most of us know each other. I'm surprised I've never heard of you before, master elf.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
I mean it was a close call for me back there.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I keep a low profile.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Wait. Could it be Rodney?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is that difficult with your height?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
It's impossible for me to tell the identity without performing a complicated ritual. Which will be extra.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh)</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
A friend of mine, Sir Rodney, was turned into a root. This one here, actually.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Nice.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
I was wondering what that was about, but I thought it rude to inquire.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Up high.</p>
I must say that is a very... odd use of magic. Wait, was it that no-good witch Gwendolyn?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: They high-five.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Yes! You know her?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Can you do anything?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Unfortunately. The magical community in the human kingdoms is small, most of us know each other. I'm surprised I've never heard of you before, master elf.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I could easily make him shorter.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
I keep a low profile.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No, I mean about Rodney.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Is that difficult with your height?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The only thing that may undo the spell is one or more of the Unholy Relics. Grave objects of--</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
(sigh)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, we know all this.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Nice.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">If you don't mind, I need a moment to call a departed soul to join with the body. Just-- stand over there. And don't touch anything please, I don't have time to explain what will entrap your soul and what will not.</p>
Up high.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Malphoreus walks further into the room. The sound of pages flipping. As this is going on, a CAT walks in. A MEOW, BELL jingle.</p>
SOUND: They high-five.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh! What a beautiful cat!</p>
Can you do anything?
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(from further in the room)</p>
I could easily make him shorter.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Careful, she's a demon.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
No, I mean about Rodney.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, my grandfather had a tabby like that on the farm--</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
The only thing that may undo the spell is one or more of the Unholy Relics. Grave objects of--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No. She's an actual demon.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Yeah, we know all this.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, what?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Of course.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(in the background, begins to chant to himself)</p>
If you don't mind, I need a moment to call a departed soul to join with the body. Just-- stand over there. And don't touch anything please, I don't have time to explain what will entrap your soul and what will not.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: A continuing sound of an eldritch SPELL TAKING EFFECT.</p>
SOUND: Malphoreus walks further into the room. The sound of pages flipping. As this is going on, a CAT walks in. A MEOW, BELL jingle.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Would you like to know how you'll die, human?</p>
Ooooh! What a beautiful cat!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't touch it, Colin</p>
(from further in the room)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Careful, she's a demon.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you, Cat-Demon, but I'd rather not.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
Yeah, my grandfather had a tabby like that on the farm--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Have it your way, mortal boy. But do be careful around cabbage carts.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
No. She's an actual demon.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(scared)</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooooh.</p>
Um, what?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You okay, Colin?</p>
(in the background, begins to chant to himself)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
SOUND: A continuing sound of an eldritch SPELL TAKING EFFECT.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm going to go hide under this table now. But not because I'm scared.</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
Would you like to know how you'll die, human?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Be careful of the--</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GROWLING, something scary and unearthly.</p>
Don't touch it, Colin
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OOoooooh! I'll... just stand right here. Next to Faendyr.</p>
Thank you, Cat-Demon, but I'd rather not.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Meow.</p>
Have it your way, mortal boy. But do be careful around cabbage carts.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh.</p>
(scared)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Colin scurries underneath Feandyr's robes. Heavy fabric moving.</p>
Ooooooh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Please don't-- what are you...? And you're under my robes.</p>
You okay, Colin?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(muffled)</p>
I'm going to go hide under this table now. But not because I'm scared.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not hiding or anything. I'm just, um, cold.</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Be careful of the--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hi Cold, I'm Gil. Sorry, I had to.</p>
SOUND: GROWLING, something scary and unearthly.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fine, kid. You can stay there, but if that rat touches me, I will disown you.</p>
OOoooooh! I'll... just stand right here. Next to Faendyr.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Be careful with my friend, elf.</p>
Meow.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Colin...?</p>
Ooooh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
SOUND: Colin scurries underneath Feandyr's robes. Heavy fabric moving.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No, you fool. An Unholy has chosen you. I sense a presence I have not felt in a long time.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Please don't-- what are you...? And you're under my robes.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, I'm not keeping it.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
(muffled)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It is both a blessing and a curse. Use it well.</p>
I'm not hiding or anything. I'm just, um, cold.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know, I don't think Malphoreus ever told me your name.</p>
Hi Cold, I'm Gil. Sorry, I had to.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You couldn't possibly pronounce it.</p>
Fine, kid. You can stay there, but if that rat touches me, I will disown you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your tag says "Snowball."</p>
Be careful with my friend, elf.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(snorting)</p>
Colin...?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Snowball?</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
No, you fool. An Unholy has chosen you. I sense a presence I have not felt in a long time.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is this amusing to you, dwarf?</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Oh, I'm not keeping it.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's just... "snowball's chance in hell"... And you're a demon? *ahem* It's a lovely name.</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
It is both a blessing and a curse. Use it well.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Soooo, Snowball. You could appear as anything in the universe. And you're a fluffy, white cat?</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
You know, I don't think Malphoreus ever told me your name.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The ways of the demons are complex. We make our plans on the scale of millennia. Your measly three-dimensional brain could not possibly grasp our motivations.</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
You couldn't possibly pronounce it.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you can't figure out how to return to your original form.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
Your tag says "Snowball."
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">... Perhaps.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
(snorting)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">At the time Snowball approached me, I was living a solitary existence as a monk, living out my days in humble service to the gods, crafting healing elixirs and salves for ungrateful peasants.</p>
Snowball?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Peasants are the worst.</p>
Is this amusing to you, dwarf?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I believe they caught the plague just to try my nerves.<br />However, my true interests lay in the darker, more arcane magicks. Snowball first tried to tempt me in the form of a beautiful woman, then an attractive man.<br />When she finally discerned I have no desire for carnal temptation, she enticed me with the companionship of a soft and adorable cat. Which, to her credit, worked.</p>
It's just... "snowball's chance in hell"... And you're a demon? *ahem* It's a lovely name.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes yes yes. Thank you all so very much for bringing that up.</p>
Soooo, Snowball. You could appear as anything in the universe. And you're a fluffy, white cat?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(under the robe)</p>
The ways of the demons are complex. We make our plans on the scale of millennia. Your measly three-dimensional brain could not possibly grasp our motivations.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're welcome.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you can't figure out how to return to your original form.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Servant! I require wet food. Now.</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
... Perhaps.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not now, Snowball. We have guests. And din-din isn't until vespers.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
At the time Snowball approached me, I was living a solitary existence as a monk, living out my days in humble service to the gods, crafting healing elixirs and salves for ungrateful peasants.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(annoyed meow)</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Peasants are the worst.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Please, no further interruptions. I must concentrate. This is the fun part. For me that is. Haha.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: The spell becomes more intense. Maybe the moaning of ghosts. Something otherworldly.</p>
Yes, I believe they caught the plague just to try my nerves.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
However, my true interests lay in the darker, more arcane magicks. Snowball first tried to tempt me in the form of a beautiful woman, then an attractive man.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">So what's the deal with this Rodney guy? I mean, why are you guys going to all this trouble to help him?</p>
When she finally discerned I have no desire for carnal temptation, she enticed me with the companionship of a soft and adorable cat. Which, to her credit, worked.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's kind of like... my job?</p>
Yes yes yes. Thank you all so very much for bringing that up.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's part of my character arc. You know, the Hero's Journey?</p>
(under the robe)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
You're welcome.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You seriously think you're the hero?</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Servant! I require wet food. Now.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Do ''you''?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Not now, Snowball. We have guests. And din-din isn't until vespers.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(from further away in the room)</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ah! Yes, this soul will do nicely. It will only be a moment now.</p>
(annoyed meow)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What about you, "Sir Knight"?</p>
Please, no further interruptions. I must concentrate. This is the fun part. For me that is. Haha.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SOUND: The spell becomes more intense. Maybe the moaning of ghosts. Something otherworldly.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's the right thing to do.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
So what's the deal with this Rodney guy? I mean, why are you guys going to all this trouble to help him?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But, are you like... friends or something?</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
It's kind of like... my job?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um. We know each other.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(quickly)</p>
It's part of my character arc. You know, the Hero's Journey?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not very well though. Just, um, professionally.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
You seriously think you're the hero?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's kind of a jerk, honestly.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Do ''you''?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">A little bit, I guess. He's just very... um, passionate.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
(from further away in the room)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's a ''friend'', huh?</p>
Ah! Yes, this soul will do nicely. It will only be a moment now.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Almost done over there?</p>
What about you, "Sir Knight"?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose. No one in this century appreciates art...</p>
It's the right thing to do.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He looks as dead as he did before.</p>
But, are you like... friends or something?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The process is complete. It takes a moment for a soul to acclimate to its new home.</p>
Um. We know each other.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
(quickly)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's waking up!</p>
Not very well though. Just, um, professionally.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The process can be very jarring for a soul to discover they are in a new body.</p>
He's kind of a jerk, honestly.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SNOWBALL</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">There's a reason you mortals don't remember being an infant.</p>
A little bit, I guess. He's just very... um, passionate.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Be prepared for anything!</p>
He's a ''friend'', huh?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MUSIC: Maybe something dramatic, SUSPENSEFUL</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Almost done over there?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Woooooooaaaahhhhhh. How long was I out?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
I suppose. No one in this century appreciates art...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Seriously? Uh, what? Ooooh!</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)</p>
He looks as dead as he did before.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met friend! I'm Colin, what's your name?</p>
The process is complete. It takes a moment for a soul to acclimate to its new home.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh hey, lil dude. I'm Keanu.</p>
He's waking up!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He says his name is Keanu.</p>
The process can be very jarring for a soul to discover they are in a new body.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SNOWBALL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks, Colin, but we can all hear what he's saying.</p>
There's a reason you mortals don't remember being an infant.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!</p>
Be prepared for anything!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, this is my family- Gil, Faendyr, Bianka, Camilla and Kevin.</p>
MUSIC: Maybe something dramatic, SUSPENSEFUL
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GIL, FAENDYR AND BIANKA</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh hi. Hello</p>
Woooooooaaaahhhhhh. How long was I out?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEVIN</p>
Seriously? Uh, what? Ooooh!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;"><nowiki>*</nowiki>squeak*</p>
(etc)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's "Princess" Camilla, "Heir to the Throne of Kirkland", actually.</p>
Hail and well met friend! I'm Colin, what's your name?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Nice. Man, I must've wiped out big time. I don't remember having hoofs. Or a tail.</p>
Oh hey, lil dude. I'm Keanu.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is this... normal? I mean the talking, and the... dialect?</p>
He says his name is Keanu.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not at all.</p>
Thanks, Colin, but we can all hear what he's saying.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic. Now we have a talking horse.</p>
Oooooh!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Keanu, this is my family- Gil, Faendyr, Bianka, Camilla and Kevin.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, I'm a horse?</p>
GIL, FAENDYR AND BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Uh hi. Hello
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Unicorn actually.</p>
(etc)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
KEVIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're very special! There aren't many unicorns left.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>squeak*
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Niiiiice! I mean you'd think I'd remember that, but cool.</p>
It's "Princess" Camilla, "Heir to the Throne of Kirkland", actually.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, I regret to inform you that your previous body has returned to dust.</p>
Nice. Man, I must've wiped out big time. I don't remember having hoofs. Or a tail.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Cool cool cool.</p>
Is this... normal? I mean the talking, and the... dialect?
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sigh: "idiot")</p>
Not at all.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No. You died.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Fantastic. Now we have a talking horse.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Aw, major bummer!</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Oh, I'm a horse?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You died, and I reached into the ether and pulled your soul from the Netherplane, where souls rest before they find a new life. With my incomparable skill, I placed your soul within a new body, whose own soul had passed on to its next world.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Unicorn actually.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Right on, bro.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
You're very special! There aren't many unicorns left.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're just telling him all this?</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Niiiiice! I mean you'd think I'd remember that, but cool.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Necromancers adhere to a very strict code of ethics.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Keanu, I regret to inform you that your previous body has returned to dust.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's all cool, bro. I'd rather not be dead an' all.</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Cool cool cool.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Do you remember anything about your life before?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
(sigh: "idiot")
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(seeming to remember)</p>
No. You died.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hm... Well... Nope.</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Aw, major bummer!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Memories of your past life may return to you, in time. I can make no guarantees, however.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
You died, and I reached into the ether and pulled your soul from the Netherplane, where souls rest before they find a new life. With my incomparable skill, I placed your soul within a new body, whose own soul had passed on to its next world.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I mean I'm a zombie unicorn. I'm, like, pretty sure my past life was nowhere near as rad.</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Right on, bro.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's one way to look at it, I suppose.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GROANING, CHAINS rattling from another room.</p>
You're just telling him all this?
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">If that's all, I really must get back to my work. The test subjects are getting restless.</p>
Necromancers adhere to a very strict code of ethics.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, we'll leave you to it.</p>
It's all cool, bro. I'd rather not be dead an' all.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you for your help.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Do you remember anything about your life before?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">There is the matter of my compensation. Gauche as it may be.</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
(seeming to remember)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry?</p>
Hm... Well... Nope.
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Money. How are you going to pay me?</p>
Memories of your past life may return to you, in time. I can make no guarantees, however.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ohh... uh... hmmm... I mean I don't...</p>
I mean I'm a zombie unicorn. I'm, like, pretty sure my past life was nowhere near as rad.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Tell you what big guy. The next job you need me for? It's on me.</p>
That's one way to look at it, I suppose.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
SOUND: GROANING, CHAINS rattling from another room.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Careful Bianka. Will the Inquisitor approve?</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
If that's all, I really must get back to my work. The test subjects are getting restless.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What the Inquisitor doesn't know won't hurt her.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
Uh, we'll leave you to it.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very well. The bargain is struck</p>
Thank you for your help.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: THUNDER clap outside.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
There is the matter of my compensation. Gauche as it may be.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's odd, I was unaware that we were expecting storms.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I would offer you a night's shelter, but you are likely safer outside of my castle's walls.</p>
Sorry?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: GROANING and RATTLING again, this time more vigorously.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Money. How are you going to pay me?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We'll get out of your hair.</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Ohh... uh... hmmm... I mean I don't...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Come on, Keanu! Let's get to know your new family!</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Tell you what big guy. The next job you need me for? It's on me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Right on, lil bro.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sound: Horse HOOVES, GLASS BREAKING, things FALLING to the floor, etc. Snowball's ANNOYED MEOW</p>
Careful Bianka. Will the Inquisitor approve?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, woah. Sorry. Not used to having four legs.</p>
What the Inquisitor doesn't know won't hurt her.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Another CRASH</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Very well. The bargain is struck
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Or a horn on my face.</p>
SOUND: THUNDER clap outside.
 
   
MALPHOREUS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Please! Stop moving! I will show you out.</p>
That's odd, I was unaware that we were expecting storms.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Finger SNAPPING, Followed by PORTAL opening.</p>
I would offer you a night's shelter, but you are likely safer outside of my castle's walls.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
SOUND: GROANING and RATTLING again, this time more vigorously.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I gotta figure out how to do that.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MALPHOREUS</p>
We'll get out of your hair.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Please, through here.</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: PORTAL closing.</p>
Come on, Keanu! Let's get to know your new family!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">IMMEDIATE CUT TO:</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.'''</p>
Right on, lil bro.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The companions arrive in the middle of a forest. It's raining pretty hard.</p>
Sound: Horse HOOVES, GLASS BREAKING, things FALLING to the floor, etc. Snowball's ANNOYED MEOW
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COMPANIONS</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(react to the rain)</p>
Uh, woah. Sorry. Not used to having four legs.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
SOUND: Another CRASH
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I suppose it was too much for Malphoreus to transport us somewhere dry.</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Or a horn on my face.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh, my hair. I wonder if I can...</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Faendyr attempt to CAST a PORTAL, but it's not right. It's too weak, fizzles out early, etc. Sound continues, along with page flipping.</p>
Please! Stop moving! I will show you out.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SOUND: Finger SNAPPING, Followed by PORTAL opening.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing?</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
I gotta figure out how to do that.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm ''trying ''to cast a portal and get us out of the rain. I thought maybe ol' Flesh Eater here might help.</p>
MALPHOREUS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Please, through here.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is it?</p>
SOUND: PORTAL closing.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
IMMEDIATE CUT TO:
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe.</p>
'''SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bad portal again. (which continues off and on)</p>
The companions arrive in the middle of a forest. It's raining pretty hard.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
COMPANIONS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Nope.</p>
(react to the rain)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: BONES clanking as Steve approaches</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
I suppose it was too much for Malphoreus to transport us somewhere dry.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of--</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Ugh, my hair. I wonder if I can...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Steve, it's us.</p>
SOUND: Faendyr attempt to CAST a PORTAL, but it's not right. It's too weak, fizzles out early, etc. Sound continues, along with page flipping.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">STEVE</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Hey. Well, this is awkward. I'll just... bye.</p>
What are you doing?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: BONES collapsing</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
I'm ''trying ''to cast a portal and get us out of the rain. I thought maybe ol' Flesh Eater here might help.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">So, what's next, companions?</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Is it?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we have the staff and a unicorn.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
Maybe.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hey, that's me!</p>
SOUND: Bad portal again. (which continues off and on)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We still need the other Unholy Relic.</p>
Nope.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
SOUND: BONES clanking as Steve approaches
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What was it called? The hungry ring?</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Hungering Band.</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Steve, it's us.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Hungering Band and the Consumer of Flesh? I'm sensing a theme with the names of these things.</p>
STEVE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
Oh. Hey. Well, this is awkward. I'll just... bye.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">If you're after the Hungering Band it's in Amaranthyne.</p>
SOUND: BONES collapsing
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, Amaranthyne? Like, the capital city of the Elven Imperium Amaranthyne?</p>
So, what's next, companions?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No, the inconsequential gnome village of Amaranthyne. Of course I mean the Imperium capital.</p>
Well, we have the staff and a unicorn.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Great. Fantastic.</p>
Hey, that's me!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What's wrong?</p>
We still need the other Unholy Relic.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm just... not in a big hurry to go back, that's all.</p>
What was it called? The hungry ring?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BIANKA</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, from here it's about a week's journey, so you have some time to prepare yourself.</p>
The Hungering Band.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(Griffin McElroy voice)</p>
The Hungering Band and the Consumer of Flesh? I'm sensing a theme with the names of these things.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Un''less''...</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE ELSE</p>
If you're after the Hungering Band it's in Amaranthyne.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Unless?</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Bad portal.</p>
Wait, Amaranthyne? Like, the capital city of the Elven Imperium Amaranthyne?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Nevermind.</p>
No, the inconsequential gnome village of Amaranthyne. Of course I mean the Imperium capital.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's pretty late. We did steal a Demon-powered staff and raise a unicorn from the dead. I think we can call it a day.</p>
Great. Fantastic.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse you, I'm still the Crown Princess... I second everything you just said.</p>
What's wrong?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keanu, you can share my tent!</p>
I'm just... not in a big hurry to go back, that's all.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KEANU</p>
BIANKA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks lil man!</p>
Well, from here it's about a week's journey, so you have some time to prepare yourself.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, good luck with that, kid.</p>
(Griffin McElroy voice)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Un''less''...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know, it would be very useful if you could use your magic to set up camp.</p>
EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
Unless?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(quickly)</p>
SOUND: Bad portal.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Who wants to set up the tents....!</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR</p>
Nevermind.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not it!</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
It's pretty late. We did steal a Demon-powered staff and raise a unicorn from the dead. I think we can call it a day.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh come on!</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">... I gotta be faster on that.</p>
Excuse you, I'm still the Crown Princess... I second everything you just said.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Will the Companions continue their run of suspiciously good luck or will they do something to muck it up?</p>
Keanu, you can share my tent!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course they will! Find out how next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!</p>
KEANU
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''CREDITS'''</p>
Thanks lil man!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
FAENDYR
 
  +
</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''AFTER CREDITS SCENE. INSIDE GILBERT'S TENT.'''</p>
Yeah, good luck with that, kid.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Evening. It's raining, lightly. Perhaps we can hear snoring coming from other tents.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
You know, it would be very useful if you could use your magic to set up camp.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Late that evening, around the usual time that weird stuff happens...</p>
COLIN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
(quickly)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Gilbert... Gillllllllbert...!</p>
Who wants to set up the tents....!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SOUND: Gilbert sits up from a dead sleep and draws a knife.</p>
EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Not it!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Who's there? Show yourself!</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
Oh come on!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's me, Rodney, you dummy.</p>
... I gotta be faster on that.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?</p>
Will the Companions continue their run of suspiciously good luck or will they do something to muck it up?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
Of course they will! Find out how next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is that a sword or are you happy to see me?</p>
'''CREDITS'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
'''AFTER CREDITS SCENE. INSIDE GILBERT'S TENT.'''
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, it's a knife actually.</p>
Evening. It's raining, lightly. Perhaps we can hear snoring coming from other tents.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You didn't answer my question.</p>
Late that evening, around the usual time that weird stuff happens...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Where are you?</p>
Gilbert... Gillllllllbert...!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
SOUND: Gilbert sits up from a dead sleep and draws a knife.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm trapped in that stick, keep up man.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Who's there? Show yourself!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's a root, actually.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
It's me, Rodney, you dummy.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm disappointed in you, Gilbert. You don't really want me to get out of this root, now do you?</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Wait, what?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't be ridiculous, I'm dragging myself across the continent on an increasingly ridiculous fetch quest for you.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
Is that a sword or are you happy to see me?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I've seen the way you look at that lady.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Um, it's a knife actually.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Camilla?? You have the wrong idea--</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
You didn't answer my question.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No no no. Not her Majesty. The tall one with the ridiculous dresses.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Where are you?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Faendyr? He's, um, a he.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
I'm trapped in that stick, keep up man.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh sorry, my bad.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
It's a root, actually.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Also he's been King Alfred's court mage for like three years. How have you not noticed him before?</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
I'm disappointed in you, Gilbert. You don't really want me to get out of this root, now do you?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's not my type. I like a rugged man's man. As you know.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Don't be ridiculous, I'm dragging myself across the continent on an increasingly ridiculous fetch quest for you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">So because you don't personally find him attractive you never noticed he existed?</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
I've seen the way you look at that lady.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm berating you here. And my point stands. I've seen the way you look at him.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Camilla?? You have the wrong idea--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have no idea what you're talking about.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
No no no. Not her Majesty. The tall one with the ridiculous dresses.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">When you think I'm not looking.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Faendyr? He's, um, a he.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods, you can see in there?</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
Oh sorry, my bad.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It'd make things pretty complicated if I got out of here, wouldn't it?</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Also he's been King Alfred's court mage for like three years. How have you not noticed him before?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I mean, ''hypothetically..''.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
He's not my type. I like a rugged man's man. As you know.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I can see into your heart, Gil.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
So because you don't personally find him attractive you never noticed he existed?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No you can't.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
I'm berating you here. And my point stands. I've seen the way you look at him.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes I can.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
I have no idea what you're talking about.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't believe you.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">RODNEY</p>
When you think I'm not looking.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I can too!</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Oh my gods, you can see in there?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I think you're lying, per usual. You're a big lying liar! ...</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BEAT</p>
It'd make things pretty complicated if I got out of here, wouldn't it?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Rodney... Hello?</p>
I mean, ''hypothetically..''.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">... Well, this is awkward.</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''BLOOPER'''</p>
I can see into your heart, Gil.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And then, uh, Michael, this is you at some point.</p>
No you can't.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh?</p>
Yes I can.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. Um</p>
I don't believe you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL</p>
RODNEY
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh!</p>
I can too!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, this is-- remember Steve the Skeleton?</p>
I think you're lying, per usual. You're a big lying liar! ...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL</p>
BEAT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Steve the American Skeleton</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(Bridgette laughs)</p>
Rodney... Hello?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
... Well, this is awkward.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. He's actually American. Like, from our deminsion and stuff</p>
'''END OF EPISODE'''
 
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh really?</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No. I dunno. I just made that up.</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SILVER</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Steve's backstory is the deepest of all the characters</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">TATUM</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(crosstalk to Bridgette)</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I want Faendyr and Bianka to just go to toe-to-toe in sass, like...</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BRIDGETTE</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah. Or like that we're fighting for position</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah they're like, "I'm sorry but there can only be one sassy companion and it's me."</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">MICHAEL</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Be like, they have a conversation that's only passive aggressive </p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA and TATUM</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(Tatum and Bridgette laugh)</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
  +
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''END OF EPISODE'''</p>

Latest revision as of 21:31, 3 January 2021

Please note this is currently the recording scipt. It needs some minor edits to match the published episode, especially noting the final sound effects and their timing.

BARD

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SUNKEN KINGDOM

BIANKA

This is insane! It's impossible to find a unicorn in the wild.

GILBERT

I have to say, I feel really good about the way things are going. We have the staff and a unicorn just fell into our laps. Well done, everyone.

SOUND: The unicorn WHEEZES, then COLLAPSES.

ALL

Oh my gods! / surprised noises

COLIN

You didn't come look for me-- Ooooooh...!

CAMILLA

What's wrong with it?

FAENDYR

Oh. You guys see it too?

Somebody give me a hand up, I'm laying in my own vomit. Ugh.

GILBERT

Here. Are you alright?

SOUND: Faendyr stands up, brushes himself off.

FAENDYR

Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Not sure about Sparkles over there. Is it dead?

GILBERT

I don't know.

CAMILLA

Go check!

GILBERT

I don't know how to take a unicorn's pulse!

BIANKA

Fine. I'll do it.

(under her breath)

Bunch of babies.

SOUND: She walks over.

COLIN

Will he be alright?

BIANKA

Sorry, kid. I'm afraid not.

COLIN

(sad)

Ooooooh.

FAENDYR

If it's any consolation, kid, he looks like he was an old guy. He lived a long, full life.

GILBERT

I don't believe this. The gods hate us!

CAMILLA

Now what are we going to do? We're not going to just bump into another unicorn.

GILBERT

I suppose we could head back to Rippling Brook and--

CAMILLA

I will never deign to set foot in that hell hole again.

BIANKA

I have an idea. It's a little out there but bear with me.

CAMILLA

More "out there" than a grown man trapped inside of a stick?

GILBERT

You know Rodney can't defend himself.

BIANKA

A... work acquaintance of mine lives near here.

FAENDYR

That's nice. And?

BIANKA

He's a necromancer.

GILBERT

Are you serious?

CAMILLA

It could work.

FAENDYR

I don't know. Necromancy... most mages won't touch that stuff with a 10 foot lance.

GILBERT

What are our other options?

CAMILLA

We take some of its hair to give to Gwendolyn and we find a common horse and stick a horn on it for the zoological garden. My father will never know the difference.

COLIN

But if unicorns are endangered, shouldn't we do everything we can to save one?

GILBERT

He does have a point.

COLIN

Thanks, Dad!

FAENDYR

Ha. He called you dad.

COLIN

You're very silly, Other Dad!

FAENDYR

Oh no.

BIANKA

Cool, so that's four to one.

FAENDYR

You know necromancy has been banned in the Imperium since the Demon Wars. Because- oh you know- The Demon Wars.

COLIN

We're not in the Elven Imperium, though.

CAMILLA

And Kirkland didn't throw off the rule of the Imperium to let their magickal College make the rules in our own country.

FAENDYR

Oh come on. Gil?

GILBERT

Sorry, but I have to save Rodney. And if that involves, necromancy, so be it.

BIANKA

Looks like you're still outnumbered, Stretch.

FAENDYR

"Stretch." Hilarious. I'm so glad you've joined our party.

Whatever. Is this necromancer far? Cuz I don't know if you guys remember, but I'm injured.

CAMILLA

You're fine.

FAENDYR

I have a concussion!

CAMILLA

Walk it off.

BIANKA

He's maybe an hour's walk from here. We should probably hop to it though, or our new friend is going to start to smell.

GILBERT

Speaking of... how are we going to get him there?

EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR

Not it!

BIANKA

Sorry, Stretch.

FAENDYR

Oh come on!

CAMILLA

I thought you were a Master of the Arcane? Just levitate him or whatever it is you mages do.

FAENDYR

I can't propel him forward at the same time too!

GILBERT

You levitate him and I'll push.

You know, maybe Bianka's necromancer friend can resurrect the Bard.

BEAT.

COMPANIONS

... Nah.

SOUND: MUSIC

SOUND: TRANSITION

SCENE 2. INT. GWENDOLYN'S HUT.

SOUND: A HORSE approaches, stops. It WHINNES. It's rider DISMOUNTS. We hear their FOOTSTEPS as Gwendolyn talks to herself:

GWENDOLYN

Ooop, no you don't!

SOUND: Smash, like a wooden mallet hitting a table. Glasses and plates jump.

GWENDOLYN

Haha! Take that! Enjoy your bath

(chuckle)

SOUND: She drops something... someone? into water. A cauldron boils over.

GWENDOLYN

Now where did I put that hemlock...

SOUND: The rider knocks on the door.

GWENDOLYN

Go away! I'm busy. Come back at the next harvest moon!

SOUND: The door opens.

PEERLESS

Gwendolyn.

GWENDOLYN

Ah. Lord Perfect.

PEERLESS

Peerless.

GWENDOLYN

I was wondering when you'd come back. I trust you still haven't found your wayward fiancée?

PEERLESS

That was merely a ruse. Her majesty may fall into the Great Abyss for all I care. Frankly, that would make things easier for me.

I have more important matters to attend to.

GWENDOLYN

I'm all ears.

Well, I'm not literally all ears. Could you imagine? Wooof, eldritch horror alert!

Anyway, what can I do ya for?

SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.

CROWS, maybe THUNDER. Generally OMINOUS.

COLIN

Oooooooh.

GILBERT

Well, this certainly looks like a castle a necromancer would be at home in.

FAENDYR

So I have to ask, this friend of yours, is he an elf or...?

BIANKA

He's human.

FAENDYR

Fantastic! Let's just throw demons into the mix. Everything has been going so well, after all. What could go wrong?

COLIN

Demons?

FAENDYR

They live in another dimension, like faeries, only... they're meaner.

COLIN

Meaner than faeries?! Oooooh.

CAMILLA

Only elves can naturally use magic. If a human wants to, they have to make a pact with a demon.

COLIN

Humans can't do magic?

GILBERT

Nope. Sorry.

COLIN

But I can talk to animals. Isn't that magic?

KEVIN

(muffled)

*squeak*

COLIN

Shhh, Kevin!

GILBERT

(dad tone:)

Why is there squeaking coming from your pocket?

COLIN

It's my bag... and I have no idea!

GILBERT

Colin...

SOUND: Colin's bag flap opening.

KEVIN

*squeak*

CAMILLA

Have you had a rat in your satchel since we left Jade Reach?

COLIN

Yes.

BIANKA

Nice.

CAMILLA

Oh my gods.

FAENDYR

Not to change the subject- because we will discuss this later, kid- but as thrilling as it is to cast a levitation spell for the last hour and a half, it's a bit draining on the ol' mana reserves.

CAMILLA

You can't handle maintaining a simple levitation spell?

FAENDYR

I'm levitating a full grown horse. Not a Pomeranian.

COLIN

What's a pomergranian?

BIANKA

Pomeranian. It's a miniature dragon breed.

CAMILLA

I had a Pomeranian when I was younger. She had a fondness for disemboweling the servants.

FAENDYR

Adorable. So, how do we do this, Bianka? We just go up and knock on the portcullis, or...?

BIANKA

Oh ho. No. Malphoreus will reveal himself to us.

GILBERT

How?

BIANKA

Oh, you'll see.

SOUND: A magical SPELL taking effect. Sound of EARTH MOVING, MOANING.

CAMILLA

What's going on?

BIANKA

Just watch.

SOUND: Clanking BONES, moaning.

STEVE

OOooooOOOOoooohhhhh!

COLIN

Ooooooh! A skeleton! Hail and well met, friend!

BIANKA

You're pretty brave, kid. I've seen grown men turn tail and run at the sight of a skeleton digging itself out of the ground.

STEVE

SILENCE!

BIANKA

Sorry Steve. Didn't mean to ruin the effect there.

STEVE

(his "normal" voice)

Oh, hey Bianka!

BIANKA

Please, continue. I want them to get the full experience.

STEVE

Oh yeah, sure thing! Anything for you Queen B.

(clears his throat, then scary voice again:)

Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of Malphoreus the Deathless! The bonds of time and mortality mean nothing to him! He has stared into the abyss and the abyss awkwardly looked away!! Turn back now if you value your sanity!!!

BIANKA

Ooh this is new.

STEVE

("normal")

Yeah, I'm trying out something different. Too much?

BIANKA

No, I like it.

MALPHOREUS

(as if from the castle:)

Steven! Are they gone?

STEVE

Uh, no. I didn't know if you wanted me to run them off or...? I mean, it's Bianka and some friends though, so. And they have a floating horse?

SOUND: Malphoreus opens a PORTAL and appears before them.

COMPANIONS

(Surprised noises)

COLIN

Ooooh! Where did you come from? Were you hiding? Ooh! Were you invisible?!

MALPHOREUS

No child. I used my advanced grasp of magicks to bend space and time to create a portal and appear before you.

COLIN

Oooooh!

MALPHOREUS

As for you, Steven, you are no help at all. I don't know why I keep you around.

SOUND: Malphoreus SNAPS his finger. Steve collapses with a RATTLE OF BONES hitting the ground.

COLIN

Steve!

MALPHOREUS

Don't worry about him. He's already dead, what's the worst that could happen? Haha. Sorry, necromancy humor.

Greetings. I am Malphoreus the Deathless.

COMPANIONS

Hey. Hi.

MALPHOREUS

Did Steven get to the new bit about the abyss?

BIANKA

It was good, I liked it.

MALPHOREUS

I must say, Bianka, I'm surprised to see you so soon. Unless I've become unmoored from this plane's space-time continuum again...

BIANKA

Oh. No, I'm freelancing.

MALPHOREUS

Ah. I assume this floating, dead unicorn is the clue to why you're at my portcullis. Unless this is a new trend with you centennials. I haven't been keeping up with popular culture.

FAENDYR

Can we speed this up? I'm dying here.

MALPHOREUS

Then you've come to the right place. Haha. Sorry.

CAMILLA

Malphoreus- I am the Crown Princess Camilla.

MALPHOREUS

I am aware of who you are. You're on the money.

CAMILLA

This unicorn is a matter of national import.

MALPHOREUS

(skeptical)

May I inquire how?

CAMILLA

It's all very hush-hush, I'm afraid.

MALPHOREUS

I will lend you my aid, your highness. Provided this is not part of a petty tit-for-tat between Kings Alfred and Jeffrey.

CAMILLA

Uh.

MALPHOREUS

A necromancer has enough enemies without involving themselves in the politics of the physical realm.

COMPANIONS

No no, nope. Haha no.

MALPHOREUS

Come with me.

SOUND: Portal opening.

MALPHOREUS

Right this way.

FAENDYR

You're really into portals, huh?

MALPHOREUS

I sold my soul to a demon, son. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

SOUND: Portal closing

SCENE 5. INT. MALPHOREUS' STUDY.

Potions BUBBLING. The sense of a smaller room in castle, stone walls, floors. MAGICAL yet DISCONCERTING ambiance.

MALPHOREUS

Welcome to my castle. Specifically to my laboratory. Most who enter do not leave. Well, not alive and in their original body. Haha. Sorry.

FAENDYR

Can I put this down?

MALPHOREUS

Yes, please do, on that runèd table there--

SOUND: Unicorn DROPPING on stone, heavy. Maybe a bone cracking.

MALPHOREUS

Gently.

FAENDYR

Oops.

MALPHOREUS

Let's see what we're dealing with here...

SOUND: Something magical and strange.

MALPHOREUS

Well. I have good news and bad news.

GILBERT

Of course.

MALPHOREUS

Good news, the corpse may still house a soul. However its own spirit has long fled. I cannot call it back.

GILBERT

So that's it, we're just stuck with a dead unicorn?

MALPHOREUS

I could pull a lost soul out of the Netherplane, but I understand if that's not--

CAMILLA

That's not a problem.

MALPHOREUS

It's not? Most people want the original soul. For sentimental reasons, I'm told.

Forgive the question, but have one of you died recently? I am sensing another soul. Purely professional curiosity, you understand.

FAENDYR

I mean it was a close call for me back there.

GILBERT

Wait. Could it be Rodney?

MALPHOREUS

It's impossible for me to tell the identity without performing a complicated ritual. Which will be extra.

GILBERT

A friend of mine, Sir Rodney, was turned into a root. This one here, actually.

MALPHOREUS

I was wondering what that was about, but I thought it rude to inquire.

I must say that is a very... odd use of magic. Wait, was it that no-good witch Gwendolyn?

GILBERT

Yes! You know her?

MALPHOREUS

Unfortunately. The magical community in the human kingdoms is small, most of us know each other. I'm surprised I've never heard of you before, master elf.

FAENDYR

I keep a low profile.

MALPHOREUS

Is that difficult with your height?

FAENDYR

(sigh)

BIANKA

Nice.

MALPHOREUS

Up high.

SOUND: They high-five.

GILBERT

Can you do anything?

MALPHOREUS

I could easily make him shorter.

GILBERT

No, I mean about Rodney.

MALPHOREUS

The only thing that may undo the spell is one or more of the Unholy Relics. Grave objects of--

FAENDYR

Yeah, we know all this.

MALPHOREUS

Of course.

If you don't mind, I need a moment to call a departed soul to join with the body. Just-- stand over there. And don't touch anything please, I don't have time to explain what will entrap your soul and what will not.

SOUND: Malphoreus walks further into the room. The sound of pages flipping. As this is going on, a CAT walks in. A MEOW, BELL jingle.

COLIN

Ooooh! What a beautiful cat!

MALPHOREUS

(from further in the room)

Careful, she's a demon.

GILBERT

Yeah, my grandfather had a tabby like that on the farm--

MALPHOREUS

No. She's an actual demon.

GILBERT

Um, what?

MALPHOREUS

(in the background, begins to chant to himself)

SOUND: A continuing sound of an eldritch SPELL TAKING EFFECT.

SNOWBALL

Would you like to know how you'll die, human?

GILBERT

Don't touch it, Colin

COLIN

Thank you, Cat-Demon, but I'd rather not.

SNOWBALL

Have it your way, mortal boy. But do be careful around cabbage carts.

COLIN

(scared)

Ooooooh.

GILBERT

You okay, Colin?

COLIN

I'm going to go hide under this table now. But not because I'm scared.

SNOWBALL

Be careful of the--

SOUND: GROWLING, something scary and unearthly.

COLIN

OOoooooh! I'll... just stand right here. Next to Faendyr.

SNOWBALL

Meow.

COLIN

Ooooh.

SOUND: Colin scurries underneath Feandyr's robes. Heavy fabric moving.

FAENDYR

Please don't-- what are you...? And you're under my robes.

COLIN

(muffled)

I'm not hiding or anything. I'm just, um, cold.

GILBERT

Hi Cold, I'm Gil. Sorry, I had to.

FAENDYR

Fine, kid. You can stay there, but if that rat touches me, I will disown you.

SNOWBALL

Be careful with my friend, elf.

FAENDYR

Colin...?

SNOWBALL

No, you fool. An Unholy has chosen you. I sense a presence I have not felt in a long time.

FAENDYR

Oh, I'm not keeping it.

SNOWBALL

It is both a blessing and a curse. Use it well.

BIANKA

You know, I don't think Malphoreus ever told me your name.

SNOWBALL

You couldn't possibly pronounce it.

GILBERT

Your tag says "Snowball."

BIANKA

(snorting)

Snowball?

SNOWBALL

Is this amusing to you, dwarf?

BIANKA

It's just... "snowball's chance in hell"... And you're a demon? *ahem* It's a lovely name.

FAENDYR

Soooo, Snowball. You could appear as anything in the universe. And you're a fluffy, white cat?

SNOWBALL

The ways of the demons are complex. We make our plans on the scale of millennia. Your measly three-dimensional brain could not possibly grasp our motivations.

FAENDYR

Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you can't figure out how to return to your original form.

SNOWBALL

... Perhaps.

MALPHOREUS

At the time Snowball approached me, I was living a solitary existence as a monk, living out my days in humble service to the gods, crafting healing elixirs and salves for ungrateful peasants.

CAMILLA

Peasants are the worst.

MALPHOREUS

Yes, I believe they caught the plague just to try my nerves.
However, my true interests lay in the darker, more arcane magicks. Snowball first tried to tempt me in the form of a beautiful woman, then an attractive man.
When she finally discerned I have no desire for carnal temptation, she enticed me with the companionship of a soft and adorable cat. Which, to her credit, worked.

SNOWBALL

Yes yes yes. Thank you all so very much for bringing that up.

COLIN

(under the robe)

You're welcome.

SNOWBALL

Servant! I require wet food. Now.

MALPHOREUS

Not now, Snowball. We have guests. And din-din isn't until vespers.

SNOWBALL

(annoyed meow)

MALPHOREUS

Please, no further interruptions. I must concentrate. This is the fun part. For me that is. Haha.

SOUND: The spell becomes more intense. Maybe the moaning of ghosts. Something otherworldly.

BIANKA

So what's the deal with this Rodney guy? I mean, why are you guys going to all this trouble to help him?

FAENDYR

It's kind of like... my job?

CAMILLA

It's part of my character arc. You know, the Hero's Journey?

FAENDYR

You seriously think you're the hero?

CAMILLA

Do you?

MALPHOREUS

(from further away in the room)

Ah! Yes, this soul will do nicely. It will only be a moment now.

BIANKA

What about you, "Sir Knight"?

GILBERT

It's the right thing to do.

BIANKA

But, are you like... friends or something?

GILBERT

Um. We know each other.

(quickly)

Not very well though. Just, um, professionally.

FAENDYR

He's kind of a jerk, honestly.

GILBERT

A little bit, I guess. He's just very... um, passionate.

FAENDYR

He's a friend, huh?

GILBERT

Almost done over there?

MALPHOREUS

I suppose. No one in this century appreciates art...

CAMILLA

He looks as dead as he did before.

MALPHOREUS

The process is complete. It takes a moment for a soul to acclimate to its new home.

COLIN

He's waking up!

MALPHOREUS

The process can be very jarring for a soul to discover they are in a new body.

SNOWBALL

There's a reason you mortals don't remember being an infant.

MALPHOREUS

Be prepared for anything!

MUSIC: Maybe something dramatic, SUSPENSEFUL

KEANU

Woooooooaaaahhhhhh. How long was I out?

COMPANIONS

Seriously? Uh, what? Ooooh!

(etc)

COLIN

Hail and well met friend! I'm Colin, what's your name?

KEANU

Oh hey, lil dude. I'm Keanu.

COLIN

He says his name is Keanu.

GILBERT

Thanks, Colin, but we can all hear what he's saying.

COLIN

Oooooh!

Keanu, this is my family- Gil, Faendyr, Bianka, Camilla and Kevin.

GIL, FAENDYR AND BIANKA

Uh hi. Hello

(etc)

KEVIN

*squeak*

CAMILLA

It's "Princess" Camilla, "Heir to the Throne of Kirkland", actually.

KEANU

Nice. Man, I must've wiped out big time. I don't remember having hoofs. Or a tail.

GILBERT

Is this... normal? I mean the talking, and the... dialect?

MALPHOREUS

Not at all.

FAENDYR

Fantastic. Now we have a talking horse.

KEANU

Oh, I'm a horse?

BIANKA

Unicorn actually.

COLIN

You're very special! There aren't many unicorns left.

KEANU

Niiiiice! I mean you'd think I'd remember that, but cool.

MALPHOREUS

Keanu, I regret to inform you that your previous body has returned to dust.

KEANU

Cool cool cool.

MALPHOREUS

(sigh: "idiot")

No. You died.

KEANU

Aw, major bummer!

MALPHOREUS

You died, and I reached into the ether and pulled your soul from the Netherplane, where souls rest before they find a new life. With my incomparable skill, I placed your soul within a new body, whose own soul had passed on to its next world.

KEANU

Right on, bro.

FAENDYR

You're just telling him all this?

MALPHOREUS

Necromancers adhere to a very strict code of ethics.

KEANU

It's all cool, bro. I'd rather not be dead an' all.

GILBERT

Do you remember anything about your life before?

KEANU

(seeming to remember)

Hm... Well... Nope.

MALPHOREUS

Memories of your past life may return to you, in time. I can make no guarantees, however.

KEANU

I mean I'm a zombie unicorn. I'm, like, pretty sure my past life was nowhere near as rad.

MALPHOREUS

That's one way to look at it, I suppose.

SOUND: GROANING, CHAINS rattling from another room.

MALPHOREUS

If that's all, I really must get back to my work. The test subjects are getting restless.

GILBERT

Uh, we'll leave you to it.

Thank you for your help.

MALPHOREUS

There is the matter of my compensation. Gauche as it may be.

GILBERT

Sorry?

MALPHOREUS

Money. How are you going to pay me?

COMPANIONS

Ohh... uh... hmmm... I mean I don't...

BIANKA

Tell you what big guy. The next job you need me for? It's on me.

MALPHOREUS

Careful Bianka. Will the Inquisitor approve?

BIANKA

What the Inquisitor doesn't know won't hurt her.

MALPHOREUS

Very well. The bargain is struck

SOUND: THUNDER clap outside.

MALPHOREUS

That's odd, I was unaware that we were expecting storms.

I would offer you a night's shelter, but you are likely safer outside of my castle's walls.

SOUND: GROANING and RATTLING again, this time more vigorously.

FAENDYR

We'll get out of your hair.

COLIN

Come on, Keanu! Let's get to know your new family!

KEANU

Right on, lil bro.

Sound: Horse HOOVES, GLASS BREAKING, things FALLING to the floor, etc. Snowball's ANNOYED MEOW

KEANU

Uh, woah. Sorry. Not used to having four legs.

SOUND: Another CRASH

KEANU

Or a horn on my face.

MALPHOREUS

Please! Stop moving! I will show you out.

SOUND: Finger SNAPPING, Followed by PORTAL opening.

FAENDYR

I gotta figure out how to do that.

MALPHOREUS

Please, through here.

SOUND: PORTAL closing.

IMMEDIATE CUT TO:

SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.

The companions arrive in the middle of a forest. It's raining pretty hard.

COMPANIONS

(react to the rain)

CAMILLA

I suppose it was too much for Malphoreus to transport us somewhere dry.

FAENDYR

Ugh, my hair. I wonder if I can...

SOUND: Faendyr attempt to CAST a PORTAL, but it's not right. It's too weak, fizzles out early, etc. Sound continues, along with page flipping.

GILBERT

What are you doing?

FAENDYR

I'm trying to cast a portal and get us out of the rain. I thought maybe ol' Flesh Eater here might help.

GILBERT

Is it?

FAENDYR

Maybe.

SOUND: Bad portal again. (which continues off and on)

FAENDYR

Nope.

SOUND: BONES clanking as Steve approaches

STEVE

Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of--

BIANKA

Steve, it's us.

STEVE

Oh. Hey. Well, this is awkward. I'll just... bye.

SOUND: BONES collapsing

BIANKA

So, what's next, companions?

CAMILLA

Well, we have the staff and a unicorn.

KEANU

Hey, that's me!

CAMILLA

We still need the other Unholy Relic.

FAENDYR

What was it called? The hungry ring?

CAMILLA

The Hungering Band.

GILBERT

The Hungering Band and the Consumer of Flesh? I'm sensing a theme with the names of these things.

BIANKA

If you're after the Hungering Band it's in Amaranthyne.

FAENDYR

Wait, Amaranthyne? Like, the capital city of the Elven Imperium Amaranthyne?

BIANKA

No, the inconsequential gnome village of Amaranthyne. Of course I mean the Imperium capital.

FAENDYR

Great. Fantastic.

GILBERT

What's wrong?

FAENDYR

I'm just... not in a big hurry to go back, that's all.

BIANKA

Well, from here it's about a week's journey, so you have some time to prepare yourself.

FAENDYR

(Griffin McElroy voice)

Unless...

EVERYONE ELSE

Unless?

SOUND: Bad portal.

FAENDYR

Nevermind.

GILBERT

It's pretty late. We did steal a Demon-powered staff and raise a unicorn from the dead. I think we can call it a day.

CAMILLA

Excuse you, I'm still the Crown Princess... I second everything you just said.

COLIN

Keanu, you can share my tent!

KEANU

Thanks lil man!

FAENDYR

Yeah, good luck with that, kid.

CAMILLA

You know, it would be very useful if you could use your magic to set up camp.

COLIN

(quickly)

Who wants to set up the tents....!

EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR

Not it!

FAENDYR

Oh come on!

... I gotta be faster on that.

BARD

Will the Companions continue their run of suspiciously good luck or will they do something to muck it up?

Of course they will! Find out how next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

AFTER CREDITS SCENE. INSIDE GILBERT'S TENT.

Evening. It's raining, lightly. Perhaps we can hear snoring coming from other tents.

BARD

Late that evening, around the usual time that weird stuff happens...

RODNEY

Gilbert... Gillllllllbert...!

SOUND: Gilbert sits up from a dead sleep and draws a knife.

GILBERT

Who's there? Show yourself!

RODNEY

It's me, Rodney, you dummy.

GILBERT

Wait, what?

RODNEY

Is that a sword or are you happy to see me?

GILBERT

Um, it's a knife actually.

RODNEY

You didn't answer my question.

GILBERT

Where are you?

RODNEY

I'm trapped in that stick, keep up man.

GILBERT

It's a root, actually.

RODNEY

I'm disappointed in you, Gilbert. You don't really want me to get out of this root, now do you?

GILBERT

Don't be ridiculous, I'm dragging myself across the continent on an increasingly ridiculous fetch quest for you.

RODNEY

I've seen the way you look at that lady.

GILBERT

Camilla?? You have the wrong idea--

RODNEY

No no no. Not her Majesty. The tall one with the ridiculous dresses.

GILBERT

Faendyr? He's, um, a he.

RODNEY

Oh sorry, my bad.

GILBERT

Also he's been King Alfred's court mage for like three years. How have you not noticed him before?

RODNEY

He's not my type. I like a rugged man's man. As you know.

GILBERT

So because you don't personally find him attractive you never noticed he existed?

RODNEY

I'm berating you here. And my point stands. I've seen the way you look at him.

GILBERT

I have no idea what you're talking about.

RODNEY

When you think I'm not looking.

GILBERT

Oh my gods, you can see in there?

RODNEY

It'd make things pretty complicated if I got out of here, wouldn't it?

GILBERT

I mean, hypothetically...

RODNEY

I can see into your heart, Gil.

GILBERT

No you can't.

RODNEY

Yes I can.

GILBERT

I don't believe you.

RODNEY

I can too!

GILBERT

I think you're lying, per usual. You're a big lying liar! ...

BEAT

GILBERT

Rodney... Hello?

... Well, this is awkward.

BLOOPER

LENA

And then, uh, Michael, this is you at some point.

MICHAEL

Oh?

LENA

Yeah. Um

MICHAEL

Ooooh!

LENA

Yeah, this is-- remember Steve the Skeleton?

MICHAEL

Steve the American Skeleton

(Bridgette laughs)

LENA

Yeah. He's actually American. Like, from our deminsion and stuff

MICHAEL

Oh really?

LENA

No. I dunno. I just made that up.

SILVER

Steve's backstory is the deepest of all the characters

TATUM

(crosstalk to Bridgette)

I want Faendyr and Bianka to just go to toe-to-toe in sass, like...

BRIDGETTE

Yeah. Or like that we're fighting for position

LENA

Yeah they're like, "I'm sorry but there can only be one sassy companion and it's me."

MICHAEL

Be like, they have a conversation that's only passive aggressive 

LENA and TATUM

Yeah

(Tatum and Bridgette laugh)

END OF EPISODE