Please note this is currently the recording scipt. It needs some minor edits to match the published episode, especially noting the final sound effects and their timing.
BARD
Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
SCENE 1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SUNKEN KINGDOM
BIANKA
This is insane! It's impossible to find a unicorn in the wild.
GILBERT
I have to say, I feel really good about the way things are going. We have the staff and a unicorn just fell into our laps. Well done, everyone.
SOUND: The unicorn WHEEZES, then COLLAPSES.
ALL
Oh my gods! / surprised noises
COLIN
You didn't come look for me-- Ooooooh...!
CAMILLA
What's wrong with it?
FAENDYR
Oh. You guys see it too?
Somebody give me a hand up, I'm laying in my own vomit. Ugh.
GILBERT
Here. Are you alright?
SOUND: Faendyr stands up, brushes himself off.
FAENDYR
Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Not sure about Sparkles over there. Is it dead?
GILBERT
I don't know.
CAMILLA
Go check!
GILBERT
I don't know how to take a unicorn's pulse!
BIANKA
Fine. I'll do it.
(under her breath)
Bunch of babies.
SOUND: She walks over.
COLIN
Will he be alright?
BIANKA
Sorry, kid. I'm afraid not.
COLIN
(sad)
Ooooooh.
FAENDYR
If it's any consolation, kid, he looks like he was an old guy. He lived a long, full life.
GILBERT
I don't believe this. The gods hate us!
CAMILLA
Now what are we going to do? We're not going to just bump into another unicorn.
GILBERT
I suppose we could head back to Rippling Brook and--
CAMILLA
I will never deign to set foot in that hell hole again.
BIANKA
I have an idea. It's a little out there but bear with me.
CAMILLA
More "out there" than a grown man trapped inside of a stick?
GILBERT
You know Rodney can't defend himself.
BIANKA
A... work acquaintance of mine lives near here.
FAENDYR
That's nice. And?
BIANKA
He's a necromancer.
GILBERT
Are you serious?
CAMILLA
It could work.
FAENDYR
I don't know. Necromancy... most mages won't touch that stuff with a 10 foot lance.
GILBERT
What are our other options?
CAMILLA
We take some of its hair to give to Gwendolyn and we find a common horse and stick a horn on it for the zoological garden. My father will never know the difference.
COLIN
But if unicorns are endangered, shouldn't we do everything we can to save one?
GILBERT
He does have a point.
COLIN
Thanks, Dad!
FAENDYR
Ha. He called you dad.
COLIN
You're very silly, Other Dad!
FAENDYR
Oh no.
BIANKA
Cool, so that's four to one.
FAENDYR
You know necromancy has been banned in the Imperium since the Demon Wars. Because- oh you know- The Demon Wars.
COLIN
We're not in the Elven Imperium, though.
CAMILLA
And Kirkland didn't throw off the rule of the Imperium to let their magickal College make the rules in our own country.
FAENDYR
Oh come on. Gil?
GILBERT
Sorry, but I have to save Rodney. And if that involves, necromancy, so be it.
BIANKA
Looks like you're still outnumbered, Stretch.
FAENDYR
"Stretch." Hilarious. I'm so glad you've joined our party.
Whatever. Is this necromancer far? Cuz I don't know if you guys remember, but I'm injured.
CAMILLA
You're fine.
FAENDYR
I have a concussion!
CAMILLA
Walk it off.
BIANKA
He's maybe an hour's walk from here. We should probably hop to it though, or our new friend is going to start to smell.
GILBERT
Speaking of... how are we going to get him there?
EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR
Not it!
BIANKA
Sorry, Stretch.
FAENDYR
Oh come on!
CAMILLA
I thought you were a Master of the Arcane? Just levitate him or whatever it is you mages do.
FAENDYR
I can't propel him forward at the same time too!
GILBERT
You levitate him and I'll push.
You know, maybe Bianka's necromancer friend can resurrect the Bard.
BEAT.
COMPANIONS
... Nah.
SOUND: MUSIC
SOUND: TRANSITION
SCENE 2. INT. GWENDOLYN'S HUT.
SOUND: A HORSE approaches, stops. It WHINNES. It's rider DISMOUNTS. We hear their FOOTSTEPS as Gwendolyn talks to herself:
GWENDOLYN
Ooop, no you don't!
SOUND: Smash, like a wooden mallet hitting a table. Glasses and plates jump.
GWENDOLYN
Haha! Take that! Enjoy your bath
(chuckle)
SOUND: She drops something... someone? into water. A cauldron boils over.
GWENDOLYN
Now where did I put that hemlock...
SOUND: The rider knocks on the door.
GWENDOLYN
Go away! I'm busy. Come back at the next harvest moon!
SOUND: The door opens.
PEERLESS
Gwendolyn.
GWENDOLYN
Ah. Lord Perfect.
PEERLESS
Peerless.
GWENDOLYN
I was wondering when you'd come back. I trust you still haven't found your wayward fiancée?
PEERLESS
That was merely a ruse. Her majesty may fall into the Great Abyss for all I care. Frankly, that would make things easier for me.
I have more important matters to attend to.
GWENDOLYN
I'm all ears.
Well, I'm not literally all ears. Could you imagine? Wooof, eldritch horror alert!
Anyway, what can I do ya for?
SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.
CROWS, maybe THUNDER. Generally OMINOUS.
COLIN
Oooooooh.
GILBERT
Well, this certainly looks like a castle a necromancer would be at home in.
FAENDYR
So I have to ask, this friend of yours, is he an elf or...?
BIANKA
He's human.
FAENDYR
Fantastic! Let's just throw demons into the mix. Everything has been going so well, after all. What could go wrong?
COLIN
Demons?
FAENDYR
They live in another dimension, like faeries, only... they're meaner.
COLIN
Meaner than faeries?! Oooooh.
CAMILLA
Only elves can naturally use magic. If a human wants to, they have to make a pact with a demon.
COLIN
Humans can't do magic?
GILBERT
Nope. Sorry.
COLIN
But I can talk to animals. Isn't that magic?
KEVIN
(muffled)
*squeak*
COLIN
Shhh, Kevin!
GILBERT
(dad tone:)
Why is there squeaking coming from your pocket?
COLIN
It's my bag... and I have no idea!
GILBERT
Colin...
SOUND: Colin's bag flap opening.
KEVIN
*squeak*
CAMILLA
Have you had a rat in your satchel since we left Jade Reach?
COLIN
Yes.
BIANKA
Nice.
CAMILLA
Oh my gods.
FAENDYR
Not to change the subject- because we will discuss this later, kid- but as thrilling as it is to cast a levitation spell for the last hour and a half, it's a bit draining on the ol' mana reserves.
CAMILLA
You can't handle maintaining a simple levitation spell?
FAENDYR
I'm levitating a full grown horse. Not a Pomeranian.
COLIN
What's a pomergranian?
BIANKA
Pomeranian. It's a miniature dragon breed.
CAMILLA
I had a Pomeranian when I was younger. She had a fondness for disemboweling the servants.
FAENDYR
Adorable. So, how do we do this, Bianka? We just go up and knock on the portcullis, or...?
BIANKA
Oh ho. No. Malphoreus will reveal himself to us.
GILBERT
How?
BIANKA
Oh, you'll see.
SOUND: A magical SPELL taking effect. Sound of EARTH MOVING, MOANING.
CAMILLA
What's going on?
BIANKA
Just watch.
SOUND: Clanking BONES, moaning.
STEVE
OOooooOOOOoooohhhhh!
COLIN
Ooooooh! A skeleton! Hail and well met, friend!
BIANKA
You're pretty brave, kid. I've seen grown men turn tail and run at the sight of a skeleton digging itself out of the ground.
STEVE
SILENCE!
BIANKA
Sorry Steve. Didn't mean to ruin the effect there.
STEVE
(his "normal" voice)
Oh, hey Bianka!
BIANKA
Please, continue. I want them to get the full experience.
STEVE
Oh yeah, sure thing! Anything for you Queen B.
(clears his throat, then scary voice again:)
Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of Malphoreus the Deathless! The bonds of time and mortality mean nothing to him! He has stared into the abyss and the abyss awkwardly looked away!! Turn back now if you value your sanity!!!
BIANKA
Ooh this is new.
STEVE
("normal")
Yeah, I'm trying out something different. Too much?
BIANKA
No, I like it.
MALPHOREUS
(as if from the castle:)
Steven! Are they gone?
STEVE
Uh, no. I didn't know if you wanted me to run them off or...? I mean, it's Bianka and some friends though, so. And they have a floating horse?
SOUND: Malphoreus opens a PORTAL and appears before them.
COMPANIONS
(Surprised noises)
COLIN
Ooooh! Where did you come from? Were you hiding? Ooh! Were you invisible?!
MALPHOREUS
No child. I used my advanced grasp of magicks to bend space and time to create a portal and appear before you.
COLIN
Oooooh!
MALPHOREUS
As for you, Steven, you are no help at all. I don't know why I keep you around.
SOUND: Malphoreus SNAPS his finger. Steve collapses with a RATTLE OF BONES hitting the ground.
COLIN
Steve!
MALPHOREUS
Don't worry about him. He's already dead, what's the worst that could happen? Haha. Sorry, necromancy humor.
Greetings. I am Malphoreus the Deathless.
COMPANIONS
Hey. Hi.
MALPHOREUS
Did Steven get to the new bit about the abyss?
BIANKA
It was good, I liked it.
MALPHOREUS
I must say, Bianka, I'm surprised to see you so soon. Unless I've become unmoored from this plane's space-time continuum again...
BIANKA
Oh. No, I'm freelancing.
MALPHOREUS
Ah. I assume this floating, dead unicorn is the clue to why you're at my portcullis. Unless this is a new trend with you centennials. I haven't been keeping up with popular culture.
FAENDYR
Can we speed this up? I'm dying here.
MALPHOREUS
Then you've come to the right place. Haha. Sorry.
CAMILLA
Malphoreus- I am the Crown Princess Camilla.
MALPHOREUS
I am aware of who you are. You're on the money.
CAMILLA
This unicorn is a matter of national import.
MALPHOREUS
(skeptical)
May I inquire how?
CAMILLA
It's all very hush-hush, I'm afraid.
MALPHOREUS
I will lend you my aid, your highness. Provided this is not part of a petty tit-for-tat between Kings Alfred and Jeffrey.
CAMILLA
Uh.
MALPHOREUS
A necromancer has enough enemies without involving themselves in the politics of the physical realm.
COMPANIONS
No no, nope. Haha no.
MALPHOREUS
Come with me.
SOUND: Portal opening.
MALPHOREUS
Right this way.
FAENDYR
You're really into portals, huh?
MALPHOREUS
I sold my soul to a demon, son. I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.
SOUND: Portal closing
SCENE 5. INT. MALPHOREUS' STUDY.
Potions BUBBLING. The sense of a smaller room in castle, stone walls, floors. MAGICAL yet DISCONCERTING ambiance.
MALPHOREUS
Welcome to my castle. Specifically to my laboratory. Most who enter do not leave. Well, not alive and in their original body. Haha. Sorry.
FAENDYR
Can I put this down?
MALPHOREUS
Yes, please do, on that runèd table there--
SOUND: Unicorn DROPPING on stone, heavy. Maybe a bone cracking.
MALPHOREUS
Gently.
FAENDYR
Oops.
MALPHOREUS
Let's see what we're dealing with here...
SOUND: Something magical and strange.
MALPHOREUS
Well. I have good news and bad news.
GILBERT
Of course.
MALPHOREUS
Good news, the corpse may still house a soul. However its own spirit has long fled. I cannot call it back.
GILBERT
So that's it, we're just stuck with a dead unicorn?
MALPHOREUS
I could pull a lost soul out of the Netherplane, but I understand if that's not--
CAMILLA
That's not a problem.
MALPHOREUS
It's not? Most people want the original soul. For sentimental reasons, I'm told.
Forgive the question, but have one of you died recently? I am sensing another soul. Purely professional curiosity, you understand.
FAENDYR
I mean it was a close call for me back there.
GILBERT
Wait. Could it be Rodney?
MALPHOREUS
It's impossible for me to tell the identity without performing a complicated ritual. Which will be extra.
GILBERT
A friend of mine, Sir Rodney, was turned into a root. This one here, actually.
MALPHOREUS
I was wondering what that was about, but I thought it rude to inquire.
I must say that is a very... odd use of magic. Wait, was it that no-good witch Gwendolyn?
GILBERT
Yes! You know her?
MALPHOREUS
Unfortunately. The magical community in the human kingdoms is small, most of us know each other. I'm surprised I've never heard of you before, master elf.
FAENDYR
I keep a low profile.
MALPHOREUS
Is that difficult with your height?
FAENDYR
(sigh)
BIANKA
Nice.
MALPHOREUS
Up high.
SOUND: They high-five.
GILBERT
Can you do anything?
MALPHOREUS
I could easily make him shorter.
GILBERT
No, I mean about Rodney.
MALPHOREUS
The only thing that may undo the spell is one or more of the Unholy Relics. Grave objects of--
FAENDYR
Yeah, we know all this.
MALPHOREUS
Of course.
If you don't mind, I need a moment to call a departed soul to join with the body. Just-- stand over there. And don't touch anything please, I don't have time to explain what will entrap your soul and what will not.
SOUND: Malphoreus walks further into the room. The sound of pages flipping. As this is going on, a CAT walks in. A MEOW, BELL jingle.
COLIN
Ooooh! What a beautiful cat!
MALPHOREUS
(from further in the room)
Careful, she's a demon.
GILBERT
Yeah, my grandfather had a tabby like that on the farm--
MALPHOREUS
No. She's an actual demon.
GILBERT
Um, what?
MALPHOREUS
(in the background, begins to chant to himself)
SOUND: A continuing sound of an eldritch SPELL TAKING EFFECT.
SNOWBALL
Would you like to know how you'll die, human?
GILBERT
Don't touch it, Colin
COLIN
Thank you, Cat-Demon, but I'd rather not.
SNOWBALL
Have it your way, mortal boy. But do be careful around cabbage carts.
COLIN
(scared)
Ooooooh.
GILBERT
You okay, Colin?
COLIN
I'm going to go hide under this table now. But not because I'm scared.
SNOWBALL
Be careful of the--
SOUND: GROWLING, something scary and unearthly.
COLIN
OOoooooh! I'll... just stand right here. Next to Faendyr.
SNOWBALL
Meow.
COLIN
Ooooh.
SOUND: Colin scurries underneath Feandyr's robes. Heavy fabric moving.
FAENDYR
Please don't-- what are you...? And you're under my robes.
COLIN
(muffled)
I'm not hiding or anything. I'm just, um, cold.
GILBERT
Hi Cold, I'm Gil. Sorry, I had to.
FAENDYR
Fine, kid. You can stay there, but if that rat touches me, I will disown you.
SNOWBALL
Be careful with my friend, elf.
FAENDYR
Colin...?
SNOWBALL
No, you fool. An Unholy has chosen you. I sense a presence I have not felt in a long time.
FAENDYR
Oh, I'm not keeping it.
SNOWBALL
It is both a blessing and a curse. Use it well.
BIANKA
You know, I don't think Malphoreus ever told me your name.
SNOWBALL
You couldn't possibly pronounce it.
GILBERT
Your tag says "Snowball."
BIANKA
(snorting)
Snowball?
SNOWBALL
Is this amusing to you, dwarf?
BIANKA
It's just... "snowball's chance in hell"... And you're a demon? *ahem* It's a lovely name.
FAENDYR
Soooo, Snowball. You could appear as anything in the universe. And you're a fluffy, white cat?
SNOWBALL
The ways of the demons are complex. We make our plans on the scale of millennia. Your measly three-dimensional brain could not possibly grasp our motivations.
FAENDYR
Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you can't figure out how to return to your original form.
SNOWBALL
... Perhaps.
MALPHOREUS
At the time Snowball approached me, I was living a solitary existence as a monk, living out my days in humble service to the gods, crafting healing elixirs and salves for ungrateful peasants.
CAMILLA
Peasants are the worst.
MALPHOREUS
Yes, I believe they caught the plague just to try my nerves.
However, my true interests lay in the darker, more arcane magicks. Snowball first tried to tempt me in the form of a beautiful woman, then an attractive man.
When she finally discerned I have no desire for carnal temptation, she enticed me with the companionship of a soft and adorable cat. Which, to her credit, worked.
SNOWBALL
Yes yes yes. Thank you all so very much for bringing that up.
COLIN
(under the robe)
You're welcome.
SNOWBALL
Servant! I require wet food. Now.
MALPHOREUS
Not now, Snowball. We have guests. And din-din isn't until vespers.
SNOWBALL
(annoyed meow)
MALPHOREUS
Please, no further interruptions. I must concentrate. This is the fun part. For me that is. Haha.
SOUND: The spell becomes more intense. Maybe the moaning of ghosts. Something otherworldly.
BIANKA
So what's the deal with this Rodney guy? I mean, why are you guys going to all this trouble to help him?
FAENDYR
It's kind of like... my job?
CAMILLA
It's part of my character arc. You know, the Hero's Journey?
FAENDYR
You seriously think you're the hero?
CAMILLA
Do you?
MALPHOREUS
(from further away in the room)
Ah! Yes, this soul will do nicely. It will only be a moment now.
BIANKA
What about you, "Sir Knight"?
GILBERT
It's the right thing to do.
BIANKA
But, are you like... friends or something?
GILBERT
Um. We know each other.
(quickly)
Not very well though. Just, um, professionally.
FAENDYR
He's kind of a jerk, honestly.
GILBERT
A little bit, I guess. He's just very... um, passionate.
FAENDYR
He's a friend, huh?
GILBERT
Almost done over there?
MALPHOREUS
I suppose. No one in this century appreciates art...
CAMILLA
He looks as dead as he did before.
MALPHOREUS
The process is complete. It takes a moment for a soul to acclimate to its new home.
COLIN
He's waking up!
MALPHOREUS
The process can be very jarring for a soul to discover they are in a new body.
SNOWBALL
There's a reason you mortals don't remember being an infant.
MALPHOREUS
Be prepared for anything!
MUSIC: Maybe something dramatic, SUSPENSEFUL
KEANU
Woooooooaaaahhhhhh. How long was I out?
COMPANIONS
Seriously? Uh, what? Ooooh!
(etc)
COLIN
Hail and well met friend! I'm Colin, what's your name?
KEANU
Oh hey, lil dude. I'm Keanu.
COLIN
He says his name is Keanu.
GILBERT
Thanks, Colin, but we can all hear what he's saying.
COLIN
Oooooh!
Keanu, this is my family- Gil, Faendyr, Bianka, Camilla and Kevin.
GIL, FAENDYR AND BIANKA
Uh hi. Hello
(etc)
KEVIN
*squeak*
CAMILLA
It's "Princess" Camilla, "Heir to the Throne of Kirkland", actually.
KEANU
Nice. Man, I must've wiped out big time. I don't remember having hoofs. Or a tail.
GILBERT
Is this... normal? I mean the talking, and the... dialect?
MALPHOREUS
Not at all.
FAENDYR
Fantastic. Now we have a talking horse.
KEANU
Oh, I'm a horse?
BIANKA
Unicorn actually.
COLIN
You're very special! There aren't many unicorns left.
KEANU
Niiiiice! I mean you'd think I'd remember that, but cool.
MALPHOREUS
Keanu, I regret to inform you that your previous body has returned to dust.
KEANU
Cool cool cool.
MALPHOREUS
(sigh: "idiot")
No. You died.
KEANU
Aw, major bummer!
MALPHOREUS
You died, and I reached into the ether and pulled your soul from the Netherplane, where souls rest before they find a new life. With my incomparable skill, I placed your soul within a new body, whose own soul had passed on to its next world.
KEANU
Right on, bro.
FAENDYR
You're just telling him all this?
MALPHOREUS
Necromancers adhere to a very strict code of ethics.
KEANU
It's all cool, bro. I'd rather not be dead an' all.
GILBERT
Do you remember anything about your life before?
KEANU
(seeming to remember)
Hm... Well... Nope.
MALPHOREUS
Memories of your past life may return to you, in time. I can make no guarantees, however.
KEANU
I mean I'm a zombie unicorn. I'm, like, pretty sure my past life was nowhere near as rad.
MALPHOREUS
That's one way to look at it, I suppose.
SOUND: GROANING, CHAINS rattling from another room.
MALPHOREUS
If that's all, I really must get back to my work. The test subjects are getting restless.
GILBERT
Uh, we'll leave you to it.
Thank you for your help.
MALPHOREUS
There is the matter of my compensation. Gauche as it may be.
GILBERT
Sorry?
MALPHOREUS
Money. How are you going to pay me?
COMPANIONS
Ohh... uh... hmmm... I mean I don't...
BIANKA
Tell you what big guy. The next job you need me for? It's on me.
MALPHOREUS
Careful Bianka. Will the Inquisitor approve?
BIANKA
What the Inquisitor doesn't know won't hurt her.
MALPHOREUS
Very well. The bargain is struck
SOUND: THUNDER clap outside.
MALPHOREUS
That's odd, I was unaware that we were expecting storms.
I would offer you a night's shelter, but you are likely safer outside of my castle's walls.
SOUND: GROANING and RATTLING again, this time more vigorously.
FAENDYR
We'll get out of your hair.
COLIN
Come on, Keanu! Let's get to know your new family!
KEANU
Right on, lil bro.
Sound: Horse HOOVES, GLASS BREAKING, things FALLING to the floor, etc. Snowball's ANNOYED MEOW
KEANU
Uh, woah. Sorry. Not used to having four legs.
SOUND: Another CRASH
KEANU
Or a horn on my face.
MALPHOREUS
Please! Stop moving! I will show you out.
SOUND: Finger SNAPPING, Followed by PORTAL opening.
FAENDYR
I gotta figure out how to do that.
MALPHOREUS
Please, through here.
SOUND: PORTAL closing.
IMMEDIATE CUT TO:
SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF MALPHOREUS' CASTLE.
The companions arrive in the middle of a forest. It's raining pretty hard.
COMPANIONS
(react to the rain)
CAMILLA
I suppose it was too much for Malphoreus to transport us somewhere dry.
FAENDYR
Ugh, my hair. I wonder if I can...
SOUND: Faendyr attempt to CAST a PORTAL, but it's not right. It's too weak, fizzles out early, etc. Sound continues, along with page flipping.
GILBERT
What are you doing?
FAENDYR
I'm trying to cast a portal and get us out of the rain. I thought maybe ol' Flesh Eater here might help.
GILBERT
Is it?
FAENDYR
Maybe.
SOUND: Bad portal again. (which continues off and on)
FAENDYR
Nope.
SOUND: BONES clanking as Steve approaches
STEVE
Beware mortals! You have approached the castle of--
BIANKA
Steve, it's us.
STEVE
Oh. Hey. Well, this is awkward. I'll just... bye.
SOUND: BONES collapsing
BIANKA
So, what's next, companions?
CAMILLA
Well, we have the staff and a unicorn.
KEANU
Hey, that's me!
CAMILLA
We still need the other Unholy Relic.
FAENDYR
What was it called? The hungry ring?
CAMILLA
The Hungering Band.
GILBERT
The Hungering Band and the Consumer of Flesh? I'm sensing a theme with the names of these things.
BIANKA
If you're after the Hungering Band it's in Amaranthyne.
FAENDYR
Wait, Amaranthyne? Like, the capital city of the Elven Imperium Amaranthyne?
BIANKA
No, the inconsequential gnome village of Amaranthyne. Of course I mean the Imperium capital.
FAENDYR
Great. Fantastic.
GILBERT
What's wrong?
FAENDYR
I'm just... not in a big hurry to go back, that's all.
BIANKA
Well, from here it's about a week's journey, so you have some time to prepare yourself.
FAENDYR
(Griffin McElroy voice)
Unless...
EVERYONE ELSE
Unless?
SOUND: Bad portal.
FAENDYR
Nevermind.
GILBERT
It's pretty late. We did steal a Demon-powered staff and raise a unicorn from the dead. I think we can call it a day.
CAMILLA
Excuse you, I'm still the Crown Princess... I second everything you just said.
COLIN
Keanu, you can share my tent!
KEANU
Thanks lil man!
FAENDYR
Yeah, good luck with that, kid.
CAMILLA
You know, it would be very useful if you could use your magic to set up camp.
COLIN
(quickly)
Who wants to set up the tents....!
EVERYONE BUT FAENDYR
Not it!
FAENDYR
Oh come on!
... I gotta be faster on that.
BARD
Will the Companions continue their run of suspiciously good luck or will they do something to muck it up?
Of course they will! Find out how next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!
CREDITS
AFTER CREDITS SCENE. INSIDE GILBERT'S TENT.
Evening. It's raining, lightly. Perhaps we can hear snoring coming from other tents.
BARD
Late that evening, around the usual time that weird stuff happens...
RODNEY
Gilbert... Gillllllllbert...!
SOUND: Gilbert sits up from a dead sleep and draws a knife.
GILBERT
Who's there? Show yourself!
RODNEY
It's me, Rodney, you dummy.
GILBERT
Wait, what?
RODNEY
Is that a sword or are you happy to see me?
GILBERT
Um, it's a knife actually.
RODNEY
You didn't answer my question.
GILBERT
Where are you?
RODNEY
I'm trapped in that stick, keep up man.
GILBERT
It's a root, actually.
RODNEY
I'm disappointed in you, Gilbert. You don't really want me to get out of this root, now do you?
GILBERT
Don't be ridiculous, I'm dragging myself across the continent on an increasingly ridiculous fetch quest for you.
RODNEY
I've seen the way you look at that lady.
GILBERT
Camilla?? You have the wrong idea--
RODNEY
No no no. Not her Majesty. The tall one with the ridiculous dresses.
GILBERT
Faendyr? He's, um, a he.
RODNEY
Oh sorry, my bad.
GILBERT
Also he's been King Alfred's court mage for like three years. How have you not noticed him before?
RODNEY
He's not my type. I like a rugged man's man. As you know.
GILBERT
So because you don't personally find him attractive you never noticed he existed?
RODNEY
I'm berating you here. And my point stands. I've seen the way you look at him.
GILBERT
I have no idea what you're talking about.
RODNEY
When you think I'm not looking.
GILBERT
Oh my gods, you can see in there?
RODNEY
It'd make things pretty complicated if I got out of here, wouldn't it?
GILBERT
I mean, hypothetically...
RODNEY
I can see into your heart, Gil.
GILBERT
No you can't.
RODNEY
Yes I can.
GILBERT
I don't believe you.
RODNEY
I can too!
GILBERT
I think you're lying, per usual. You're a big lying liar! ...
BEAT
GILBERT
Rodney... Hello?
... Well, this is awkward.
BLOOPER
LENA
And then, uh, Michael, this is you at some point.
MICHAEL
Oh?
LENA
Yeah. Um
MICHAEL
Ooooh!
LENA
Yeah, this is, remember Steve the Skeleton?
MICHAEL
Steve the American Skeleton
(Bridgette laughs)
LENA
Yeah. He's actually American. Like, from our deminsion and stuff
MICHAEL
Oh really?
LENA
No I dunno I just made that up.
SILVER
Steve's backstory is the deepest of all the characters
DANIEL
(crosstalk to Bridgette)
I want Faendyr and Bianka to just go to toe-to-toe in sass, like...
BRIDGETTE
Yeah. Or like that we're fighting for position
LENA
Yeah they're like, "I'm sorry but there can only be on sassy companion and it's me."
MICHAEL
Be like they have a conversation that's only passive agressive
LENA and DANIEL
Yeah
(Daniel and Bridgette laugh)
END OF EPISODE