The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root Wiki
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A cassette tape is inserted into a tape deck, and the play button is pressed

OPENING MUSIC

NARRATOR: Welcome dear listeners, to The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

THE EMPRESS' THRONE ROOM.

A large, echo-y room. The elven court murmmers judgementally, as Faendyr is lead into the room in chains. 

FAENDYR: Oh, hey guys. How's it goin'?

CAMILLA: What is the meaning of this? Why is he in chains?

EMPRESS: Do you know this elf?

BIANKA: Is it better if we say "no"?

GILBERT: Bianka!

BIANKA: What? It's a relevant question.

GILBERT: He's King Alfred's court mage, and our companion.

EMPRESS: My apologies that he has so grossly mislead you. He is known in this court for his lies.

FAENDYR: I'm flattered.

A wooden staff pounds on the floor for silence. The room grows quiet.

EMPRESS: Faendyr Llwellenar, you have been tried in absentia and found guilty of crimes against the Elven Imperium--

FAENDYR: Oh hey, Faewyn! Didn't recognize you with all the ceremonial makeup. What's up?

Shocked murmmers from the Elven Court.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: You will address me as Empress.

FAENDYR: This is my sister, guys.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Half-sister.

FAENDYR: How are the moms?

EMPRESS FAEWYN: They're all very disappointed in you.

FAENDYR: I'll admit: that hurts.

BIANKA: Wait wait wait. Faendyr is the Empress' brother?

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Unfortunately.

BIANKA: The brother of the Eternal Empress of the Elven Imperium? The most powerful person on the whole planet?!

FAENDYR: Don't let it go to your head, Faewyn.

BIANKA: I need to sit down.

She does, quickly. 

GILBERT: Doesn't that mean he's a prince?

FAENDYR: Yep.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: No.

FAENDYR: I mean, technically.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: No, not technically. The Imperium is not a hereditary monarchy. Our Empress is chosen for her skills and abilities, not because she was born into it undeservingly, like some mortal kingdoms.

CAMILLA: Don't be smug. I wasn't born Crown Princess, I was adopted by my father because even at only two years of age I was the smartest of his relatives. Which wasn't much of a contest, but I digress.

GILBERT: I'm sorry- what do you mean by "chosen"? I thought the Empress-- I mean, you, um, your majesty-- I thought you've ruled for thousands of years.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Yes. Of course.

FAENDYR: Aw snaaaaapppp.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: For once in your life, Faendyr, I command you to keep your mouth shut.

FAENDYR: Shove it, Faewyn.

Shocked noises from the assembled court. "How dare he?!"

FAENDYR: Elves aren't immortal. It's a stupid lie we've been telling other races to impress them. We only live for about three hundred years--

BIANKA: Oh, "only"!

FAENDYR: Four, if we're lucky. They just pick a new Empress when the old one pops her clogs and pretend she's the same person.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Guard, would you be so kind as to hit the prisoner.

A guard smacks Faendyr with a gloved hand. Hard. 

FAENDYR: Owwww!

GILBERT: Hey! Don't do that.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Faendyr, I've grown weary of your insolence. For your crimes, you have been sentenced to spend the remainder of your life in prison. As you've so helpfully pointed out to your former companions, that will be about two hundred years. Three hundred if you're "lucky."

FAENDYR: Wyn, come on. I'm your brother.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: You burned that bridge long ago.

FAENDYR: Excuse you. I do not burn bridges. I neglect them until they fall apart from disrepair.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: You literally set the Mage's College on fire.

FAENDYR: That's fair.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Take him out of my sight!

Faendyr is dragged out of the room by the guards, his chains rattling behind him. 

FAENDYR: Get! Your hands OFF of me. If you're gonna man-handle me, do it like you mean it!

GILBERT: Don't worry, Faendyr, we'll figure something out.

FAENDYR: (at the door) I doubt it, but thanks for trying.

The door slams behind Faendyr

GILBERT: Your majesty--

EMPRESS FAEWYN: I apologize, but I must retire. I will address your concerns in the morning.

The Empress walks out, her silk robes swishing. The court mummers in scanalized tones. Chill music begins playing. 

COURTIER: Please, Princess, this way.

The Compansions follow the Courtier to the door and step out. 

CAMILLA: Where might we--

The courtier slams the door in the Companions face. The music can still be heard from the other room. 

CAMILLA: Rude.

GILBERT: What are we going to do?

BIANKA: I mean, we're here for the ring...

GILBERT: We can't abandon Faendyr!

BIANKA: Do you think he'd do the same for you?

Colin runs up

COLIN: Guys! Something terrible has happened! I was checking on Keanu in the stables- he's great by the way- And Kevin saw one of his cousins and wanted me to meet her. Her name is Francis, she's a white rat! And I said that she had a very nice coat of fur, then Kevin said--

CAMILLA: Colin, please get to the point.

COLIN: Faendyr's in trouble! They took him to the prison!

BIANKA: What do you think he did? It has to be pretty bad, right?

COLIN: It doesn't matter what he did- he's family! We have to help him.

CAMILLA: We're working on it, Colin.

COLIN: We have to hurry. What if they hurt him?

CAMILLA: At least we know he's not going to be executed.

COLIN: There are a lot of things you can do to a person before they die.

BIANKA: Yikes.

CAMILLA: I suppose I could claim that we wish to bring Faendyr back to Kirkland for punishment.

COLIN: Okay, let's go!

CAMILLA: I'm sorry, Colin, but we have to wait until morning.

COLIN: But...

GILBERT: Faendyr will be okay until tomorrow.

COLIN: You don't know that!

GILBERT: I know you're worried, Colin. I'm worried too. But Faendyr wouldn't want us to be upset on his account.

BIANKA: Sounds fake, but okay.

GILBERT: So let's get a hot meal and a good night's rest so we can do everything we can to help him in the morning. Faendyr will be okay until then.

COLIN: (choking back a sob) You don't know that! And you can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad!

Colin runs away

GILBERT: Colin! Colin, wait!

CAMILLA: Let him go, Gil. He'll be fine. It's not as if he's going to go break Faendyr out of prison.

The ambience music gets louder, then echos and fades out, transitioning to:

COLIN: Alright, Kevin. We are going to break Faendyr out of prison!

KEVIN: Squeak! Squeak squeak squeak.

COLIN: Kevin, you tiny genius! That is a brillant plan. Let's go!

KEVIN: Squeak! 

A jarring chord

Soft guitar music begins, and plays under the following scene.

Bianka opens the door to the room Camilla is staying in.

BIANKA: Oh, there you are, Princess. I was looking all over for you.

CAMILLA: (facedown on the bed, muffled) Yes.

Bianka closes the door and walks into the room. 

BIANKA: You're face down on the bed...

CAMILLA: (muffled) I'm thinking.

BIANKA: You need to relax, Princess. You'll figure something out.

CAMILLA: (doubting grunt)

Bianka sits on the bed, and it creaks slightly. She pats the plush duvet, and rubs the soft sheets.

BIANKA: I can't get over how soft this bed is. You'd think elves would be a lot less stuck up with mattresses this comfortable. Man, if I got to sleep on this every night, I'd be so chill, I can't even...  Hey Princess? ... Princess? ..... Camilla?

CAMILLA: Yes?

BIANKA: Are you okay?

CAMILLA: No. I'm not.

BIANKA: What's wrong?

CAMILLA: Everything.

BIANKA: You can tell me. It's okay. I... I want you to tell me.

CAMILLA: I don't know how to fix this. If I want to be Queen, I have to be decisive, to know what to do. And I don't. We need the Relic, of course, that's why we're here. But Faendyr is one of my people. What kind of Queen would I be if I abandoned him when I could have done something to save him? But, if I push to save Faendyr, it may jeopardize getting the Relic. I don't know what to do, and I don't like it.

BIANKA: It's not all on your shoulders. You can't do everything alone. Even when you are Queen. We'll figure something out. Together.

CAMILLA: Thank you.

BIANKA: And Camilla...?

Bianka leans forward on the bed, and quickly kisses Camilla.

CAMILLA: (surprised) Oh!

BIANKA: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. That was very forward--

Camilla kisses her back.

BIANKA: Woah.

They fall back onto the bed, and contine to kiss, until... Gil opens the door. 

GILBERT: Hey-- Oh. Um.

BIANKA: No it's fine, come in.

GILBERT: Sorry.

BIANKA: It's not as if were kissing or anything.

GILBERT: Sorry.

CAMILLA: What is it, Gil?

GILBERT: Um. I'm going to stop by the kitchen. What would you like?

CAMILLA: To decide who lives and who dies.

GILBERT: Gods, Camilla. I meant for dinner.

CAMILLA: Oh. I'm not really hungry.

GILBERT: Everything's going to work out.

CAMILLA: You don't know that.

GILBERT: No. But you somehow manage to bend everyone to your will. We'll figure something out. Well. Um. I'm leaving now. Sorry.

BIANKA: You do that.

GILBERT: I'm closing the door.

CAMILLAL Mm hm.

GILBERT: So... bye.

He leaves and closes the door. 

BIANKA: You know I've wanted to do that since I met you.

CAMILLA: What took you so long?

BIANKA: (nervous throat clearing) The Luminous Gardens are supposed to be really nice. Would you like to accompany me?

CAMILLA: Are you asking me out on a date?

BIANKA: Never mind. It's stupid. I mean a Princess and a girl like me--

CAMILLA: I'd love to.

BIANKA: Oh. Really?

CAMILLA: Yes. Really.

BIANKA: Oh. Niiiice.

CAMILLA: Give me a moment? I want to look nice for our first date.

BIANKA: (chill) Yeah, sure. I'll see you there, Princess.

Bianka leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

BIANKA: (incredibly excited) Yesssss!

The guitar music plays for a moment, then fades out. 

THE LUMINOUS GARDENS.

It's night. Crickets chrip. A different, soft guitar song plays live in the gardens. There are other people further away, happily socializing.

BIANKA: (to herself) I could get used to this.

Gravel crunches under someone's feet as they approach. 

BIANKA: Hey Princess-- oh. You.

Instead, it's Olivier. He's a human man, and has a rich, deep voice. He's rather full of himself. 

OLIVIER: Do you have it?

BIANKA: Nice to see you too, Olivier. What's with the hood? Way to be inconspicuous.

OLIVIER: Answer the question.

BIANKA: No, but it's here.

OLIVIER: Where?

BIANKA: With the human knight. Sir Gilbert.

OLIVIER: Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard?

BIANKA: Yeah, the Chicken Affair guy.

OLIVIER: Hm. We will collect it soon.

BIANKA: Just... don't hurt him. Or any of them.

OLIVIER: (sneeringly) You have emotionally compromised yourself.

BIANKA: It's just the Crown Princess of Kirkland is with him. I'd hate for you to cause trouble for yourself.

OLIVIER: That's very caring of you.

BIANKA: Just doing my job.

OLIVIER: You are already on thin ice with the Inquisitor. Watch yourself.

BIANKA: Well, this is a pleasant conversation.

Camilla is walking up, before she arrives, Bianka says:

BIANKA: Look, Olivier, I have company-- oh. And you're gone.

Camilla stands next to Bianka.

CAMILLA You're right, this place is lovely.

BIANKA: It has a great view, too. You look beautiful.

CAMILLA: Thank you. (nervously) S-So do you.

BIANKA: (haltingly) Hey, Princess. I... um...

CAMILLA: What's wrong?

BIANKA: Nothing. I'm glad we're doing this, finally.

CAMILLA: Me too.

BIANKA: Princess Camilla, may I escort you through the Gardens?

CAMILLA: It would be a pleasure.

They walk off together, arm in arm. The live music ends.

We're now in

GIL'S ROOM

GILBERT: This is really... stupid. I can't believe I'm going to do this. Okay. Um, hi Rodney. Can you hear me? You've talked to me a couple times, I guess... and I was wondering if you might have any ideas of what we should do? I mean, you always used to know what to do. I miss that about you. ... Rodney? ... Oh my gods I'm talking to a stick.

There's a pounding on the wooden door. Gilbert opens it as he speaks, and it creaks slightly on its hinges

GILBERT: What in the-- Colin, I know you're upset but we can't--

OLIVIER: Sir Gilbert Wyernguard?

GILBERT: Yes? What's going on?

Olivier pushes past him into the room. Olivier closes the door, hard, then walks with slow, purposeful steps. He's intimidating and he knows it.

OLIVIER: Where is it?

GILBERT: Rodney? He's right here.

OLIVIER: That's a stick.

GILBERT: Um, it's a root, actually?

OLIVIER: Where is the Relic?

GILBERT: The Relic?

OLIVIER: The staff!

GILBERT: You mean Fleshy? Oh my gods, I can't believe I just called it that.

Olivier pushes him aside, and begins to rifle through drawers. 

GILBERT: Hey, watch it. No pushing.

A clay jar falls off of the table and breaks. 

GILBERT: Careful! Who are you?

Olivier takes a step towards Gil, and draws a knife. 

OLIVIER: Where is it!

GILBERT: Woah, woah. Calm down. No need for that. It's on top of my bag of holding.

OLIVIER: What bag?

GILBERT: Right there, on the side table.

OLIVIER: There's nothing there.

GILBERT: What? No, I put it there... Maybe it fell under the bed.

OLIVIER: Stop stalling! Where is it?

GILBERT: I swear to you, I put it right there when I came into the room...

Olivier takes two meancing steps toward Gil as he speaks

OLIVIER: Then where. Is. It?!

GILBERT: Oh my gods. Colin!

Transition music- a harpsicord plays a few notes in a minor key, as we begin to hear the ambience of

THE PRISON.

It's underground, and damp. Voices echo off of the stone walks. 

KEVIN: Squeak?

COLIN: I know it's scary down here, Kevin, but we have to be brave for Faendyr. Imagine how scared he must be. He is so very delicate.

KEVIN: Squeak squeak squeak. 

GUARD: (nearby) Who's there?

COLIN: Quick, Kevin! Get in Gil's magic bag!

Colin drops the leather bag, it's metal fastenings jingle. They quickly climb inside as the footsteps get louder, and arrive. 

GUARD: Could have sworn I heard a kid talking. Huh... I don't remember there being a bag there. Whatever, not my problem.

The guard lazily walks away

Colin and Kevin re-emerege from the bag. Kevin's little paws tap as he runs around excitedly. 

KEVIN: Squeak

COLIN: That was close!

KEVIN: Squeak, squeak!

COLIN: This is kind of fun! It reminds me of the time the Fairy Queen buried me underground. I hope Gil's not too mad that I borrowed his magic bag...

KEVIN: Squeak

Colin and Kevin walk away, deeper into the prison

COLIN: It's only stealing if you don't give it back, and this was your idea.

A harp plays a tense transition, and we're back in

GIL'S ROOM. 

OLIVIER: If you value the life of the child, you will find the Relic. Immediately.

GILBERT: You can threaten me all you want, but leave Colin out of this.

OLIVIER: Then stop lying to me!

GILBERT: Why would I be keeping it from you? What possible reason would I have? Do I look like a mage?!

OLIVIER: I don't know what game you think you're playing, sir knight, but it will be your last.

GILBERT: I may not look like much, but I am the third best knight in all of Kirkland. After Lord Peerless and Sir Rodney, of course.

OLIVIER: Wait, isn't Sir Rodney the stick?

GILBERT: He's a root.

OLIVIER: You're ranked after a piece of wood?

Gil draws his sword.

GILBERT: He's a very talented piece of wood. En guard, sir!

A dramatic drum beat. Now we're back to 

THE PRISON.

Music plays. It's a disconcerting, electronic arrangement reminiscent of 1980s fantasy shows. Colin and Kevin look around for Faendyr. 

COLIN: Are you sure he's in this block?

KEVIN: Squeak squeak.

Someone neaby pulls against their chains. 

MR. PRISONER: Hey kid...!

COLIN: Hullo, Mr. Prisoner. Have you seen my friend?

MR. PRISONER: I'm your friend.

COLIN: I don't think so! He's tall and handsome and wears very nice dresses?

MR. PRISONER: You mean that fancy elf? He's in that cell over there.

Mr. Prisoner points, his chains rattleing. Colin quicky runs over. 

COLIN: Faendyr! Are you dead? If you're dead, say something!

FAENDYR: Oh! ... Oh, great.

COLIN: Hi Faendyr! It's me, Colin.

FAENDYR: Yeah. Hi. What are you doing here?

COLIN: Kevin and I are here to rescue you!

FAENDYR: Oh my gods. Wonderful.

MR. PRISONER: You're here to rescue me?

COLIN: No, just my friend.

MR. PRISONER: I'm your friend!

FAENDYR: How long have I been in here? A week?

COLIN: A couple of hours.

FAENDYR: Really?! Are you sure?

COLIN: Yes. I may not know how to tell time, but Kevin is very good at it.

KEVIN: Squeak squeak!

FAENDYR: Well, get me out of here. Do you have the key?

COLIN: No, I do not!

FAENDYR: Great. So what are you doing?

COLIN: Don't worry I have a plan...!

Colin makes adorable struggling noises as he wiggles himself between the bars 

FAENDYR: What are you... wait, you can fit through the bars???

COLIN: I am very small!

FAENDYR: That's great but I can't. And now we're both in here with no key.

COLIN: Don't forget Kevin! I couldn't have done it without him.

KEVIN: Squeak squeak.

FAENDYR: What is this "it" that you're doing, exactly?

Colin drops the bag of holding. 

COLIN: Get in the magic bag!

FAENDYR: Wait is that Gil's knockoff?

COLIN: I don't know, what's a knockoff?

FAENDYR: It means it's not gonna work, kid.

COLIN: Yes it is! Trust me.

A voice is heard, further in the prison but not too far off. 

DRUNK GUARD: What's all the talking about?

The guard starts walking towards them, his slow footsteps echoing ominously 

COLIN: Quick!

FAENDYR: Whatever. It's your funeral.

He starts to climb into the bag, then stops as he realizes

Wait, ohmygods, I guess it's mine too!

Faendyr finishes climbing into the bag. His voice has an odd, delayed echo to it from inside the bag. 

FAENDYR: Woah (woah)

COLIN: Shhh!

The guard has arrived. 

DRUNK GUARD: What's going on in here?

MR. PRISONER: Guard! This man is trying to escape!

A dramatic drum beat. The electornic music crossfades into a martial song using drumbeats that punctuate the following fight. We're back in

GIL'S ROOM.

We've arrived in the middle of a tense sword fight. Olivier and Gil are well matched. Olivier slashes wildly at Gil, but is blocked by Gil's sword. Gil advances, slashing at Olivier, who leaps out of his way. Olivier relates with a swipe at Gil, but Gil bats his sword aside, knocking over a glass jar which shatters on the ground. They circle each other for a moment, breathing heavily, stepping on the broken glass. Gil breaks first, with a flurry of slashes which Olivier parries. Finally, an opening, and Gil stabs his sword deep into Olivier's chest. Olivier grunts, drops his sword, and falls to the ground with a long exhale. 

GILBERT: Maybe now you'll think twice about threatening children... Oh. He's dead. Never mind.

The door opens. Camilla excitedly takes a few steps into the room, then stops dead. 

CAMILLA: I've figured out how to-- Oh my gods.

Bianka walks into the room, and up to Olivier's body. 

BIANKA: Is he dead?

GILBERT: Yes. But, he started it.

CAMILLA What happened?

GILBERT: This man showed up at my door and demanded I hand over the staff. Somehow he knew I had it. He-he threatened to hurt Colin.

BIANKA: Where is it? Did someone take it?

GILBERT: I think Colin has it.

CAMILLA: This is a problem.

GILBERT: Yes, it is. I have no idea where Colin got off to.

CAMILLA: No. I mean you- a member of the retinue of the Crown Princess of Kirkland- killed someone in the palace of the Empress of the Imperium.

GILBERT: Oh.

CAMILLA: We need to speak to the Empress immediately. Unless you want to join Faendyr in the prison.

The scene ends with a short reprise of the fight music. We're now in

THE PRISON.

DRUNK GUARD: What's going on in here?

COLIN: Nothing! Just prisoner things.

DRUNK GUARD: Wait, who are you?

COLIN: I'm ... Kevin!

DRUNK GUARD: You look pretty young to be in prison.

COLIN: I'm one hundred and seven.

DRUNK GUARD: Have you always been here?

COLIN: Yes?

DRUNK GUARD: Wow. Huh. I gotta lay off the moonshine.

Mr. Prisoner leans forward, his chains straining against where he's shackled to the wall. 

MR. PRISONER: No. He's a kid! And he has a talking rat!

COLIN: Don't listen to him, he's crazy.

MR. PRISONER: No I'm not! There's a fancy elf in there too!

DRUNK GUARD: What are you yammering on about?

MR. PRISONER: (getting desperate) You can't see him because he climbed into a magic purse!

COLIN: Don't worry about him. We call him Crazy Faendyr. On account of his being crazy.

DRUNK GUARD: Well, keep it down. I'm trying to sleep off this headache.

The guard walks away. 

COLIN: Alrighty!

Once the guard is out of ear shot, Colin picks up and opens the bag. 

COLIN: You okay in there?

FAENDYR: (from inside the bag) This is really weird.

COLIN: You're in a pocket dimension. Or at least that's what Kevin says; he understands magical theory better than I do.

KEVIN: Squeak squeak. 

Colin wiggles between the bars. He's back outside of the cell. 

COLIN: It'll be just a couple of minutes until we're out of here and back with Gil and Camilla and Bianka and Keanu.

MR. PRISONER: Hey, what about me?

COLIN: Oh, not you, Mr. Prisoner. You're a snitch. And you're going to die in here, just as you deserve.

FAENDYR: (from the bag) Oh my gods. 

COLIN: (cheefully) Bye bye!

Colin runs down the hallway, out of the prison.

The Compainion's Glockenspiel transition. We're now

OUTSIDE THE EMPRESS' CHAMBERS

BEHRGIL: You can't just demand an audience with the Empress. She's very busy.

CAMILLA: It's an urgent matter.

BEHRGIL: It can wait until morning.

GILBERT: It's a matter of life and death. Well, just death, technically.

CAMILLA: Excuse us.

BEHRGIL: You can't--

But they push past her, and open the door. Spa music wafts in the air. Water runs into a large, luxurously bathtube. The Empress is bathing. She jumps in surprise, the lavender-scented water splashing. 

GILBERT: (averting his eyes) Oh. You're bathing.

BIANKA: Wow, you are thicc. (quickly) Your majesty.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: What is the meaning of this?

BIANKA: It means you're--

GILBERT: Bianka!!

BIANKA: Oh. She meant what are we doing here? ... Thanks for stopping me.

CAMILLA: Your majesty, my guard was attacked in his chambers by an assailant.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Then tell the Captain of the Guard!

GILBERT: He was after a Relic I possess--

Behrgil's quick, light steps enter the room. 

SERVANT BEHRGIL: Your majesty? Keeper Richard is here.

BIANKA: (to herself) Oh fungus.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Send him in.

Richard's boots echo on the tile as he enters. He stops short when he sees Bianka. 

KEEPER RICHARD: Bianka?

BIANKA: Hey.

KEEPER RICHARD: My apologies for interrupting, your majesty. But I have come to collect the Hungering Band.

GILBERT: Wait, what?

CAMILLA: You have it?

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Yes. How do you know about the Unholy Relics?

GILBERT: We need the Hungering Band to save a friend.

KEEPER RICHARD: The Empress and I have a prior arrangement.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: (smugly) My apologies, Princess Camilla. You understand how important it is for a ruler to keep their word.

CAMILLA: You don't understand, we need the ring!

EMPRESS FAEWYN: (sounding a bit like Faendyr) Excuse me. I'm sorry. You're, what? A princess?

CAMILLA: Crown princess.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: And I'm the Empress of the Elven Imperium. Which existed long before humans crawled onto this continent. Never presume to tell me what I must do.

KEEPER RICHARD: (clears his throat) With all due respect, your majesty, I have other business to attend to.

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Of course. Behrgil, give The Band to the Keeper.

GILBERT: Your name is Beargil?

SERVANT BEHRGIL: Yes. Why do you ask?

GILBERT: Nothing. It's not important. Sorry.

SERVANT BEHRGIL: Here, Keeper.

Her silk sleeve rustles as she hands him a small wooden box

With the regards of the Imperium.

Richard opens the box. A menacing hum fills the room for a second not unlike the hum we heard in the muesum. Satisfied, he closes it again. 

KEEPER RICHARD: Thank you. Bianka. I trust you have the staff.

GILBERT: What?

BIANKA: No. It's long gone.

KEEPER RICHARD: The Inquisitor will be very displeased. Come. We're leaving.

CAMILLA: What's going on?

BIANKA: I'm staying here.

KEEPER RICHARD: Very well. I will take my leave, your majesty.

He exits. 

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Now all of you get out of my chambers and let me bathe in peace!

They do so, quickly. Gil throws over his shoulder:

GIL: Sorry!

EMPRESS FAEWYN: Ugh. Humans, I swear to the gods. 

She sighs happily, and leans back into the water. The spa music fades out. 

We're now in the hallway outside the Empress' chambers. A fast-paced electronic pieced of music starts. It puts you in mind of an arcade game. 

CAMILLA: Bianka, what's going on? What was that man talking about?

BIANKA: I can explain.

Colin's small feet are heard pounding against the hallway tile as he runs up.

COLIN: Hi guys!

GILBERT: Colin! Where were you? Are you okay?

COLIN: Long story and yes, but we need to go right now!

GILBERT: What about Faendyr?

COLIN: That's why we need to leave.

GILBERT: Colin, what's going on?

Outside, an alarm bell begins to toll 

COLIN: Uh.... that!

GILBERT: Colin...!

COLIN: No time to explain! Follow me!

They run down the hallway

CAMILLA: Where are we going?

COLIN: Keanu is right outside with Faendyr and Kevin!

GILBERT: Faendyr?

COLIN: And Kevin!

BIANKA: How did you--??

COLIN: I broke him out of prison!

CAMILLA: Oh gods.

They push open a large door. They're now outside in the

PALACE COURTYARD.

KEANU: Hey guys! How's it going?

KEVIN: Squeak! 

GILBERT: Faendyr! Are you okay?

FAENDYR: Eh.  More or less.

COLIN: No time to chat!

KEANU: Hop on, guys! Let's go!

CAMILLA: We're not going to all fit.

KEANU: Yeah you will! Unicorn magic, my man.

GILBERT: Wait, I need to get Rodney!

COLIN: Oh, don't worry, I packed all of our stuff!

BIANKA: Great.

KEANU: All aboard!

The Companions jostle each other for room on Keanu. Improbably they do all fit. 

FAENDYR: I have Rodney. Here, Gil.

GILBERT: Oh, thanks.

RODNEY: Oh thank the gods, he is incredibly tedious. I don't know what you see in him.

GILBERT: Uh... did anyone else hear that?

COLIN: The guards?

A group of guards is marching closer and closer to them

FAENDYR: Uh, speaking of, let's go...!

Keanu gallops, the Companions bounce around his back

CAMILLA: This is insane.

GILBERT: How did you get out?

FAENDYR: Colin smuggled me out in your bag of holding. Oh, and all the luggage is in there too.

GILBERT: I thought it was a knockoff?

FAENDYR: Well, that pocket dimension it sent me to was a knockoff for sure.

CAMILLA: Sounds awful.

FAENDYR: Oh. It was. I doubt we'll be getting the luggage back in one piece.

CAMILLA: Lovely.

FAENDYR: Gil, thanks for keeping Fleshy safe for me.

GILBERT: You're welcome. I'm-- I'm glad you're okay.

BIANKA: You guys can have a touching reunion make-out sesh later, okay?

The portcullis in front of them is lowered

KEANU: Uh, hey guys? They're closing the gate...

FAENDYR: Keanu, head east!

KEANU: I'm a horse, not a compass!

FAENDYR: To the left!

KEANU: Okay! ...Which one is left again?

FAENDYR: Ugh, that way!

KEANU: Alrighty, hold on!

CAMILLA: What are you doing?! That's our only exit!

FAENDYR: No, it's not...

BARD: Galloping at breakneck speed, Keanu carries the companions toward their only other option of escape... the White Cliffs of Amaranthyne!

KEANU: I am?!

GILBERT: Keanu, stop! There's no way we can survive that fall!

KEANU: Okay...!

FAENDYR: No- Keanu, full speed ahead!

KEANU: Okay!

CAMILLA: We'll be killed, you idiot!

FAENDYR: Not if I have anything to do with it!

CAMILLA: Oh no, no, no, no.

FAENDYR: Do you trust me?

GILBERT, COLIN & KEANU: Yes!

KEVIN: (yes) Squeak!

CAMILLA: NO!

BIANKA: I'm reserving judgement.

KEANU: Hold onto your butts, my dudes!

BARD: Oh my. It looks like the Companions are going to take quite a leap of faith. Get it? .... No? I'll wait... You get it right? Hilarious. Will their gamble pay off? I sure hope so or this will have a really depressing ending. Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

Theme music plays under

CREDITS

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Nicholas Temple, Amanda Spellman, Stacey Kruml, Andrew Quilpa and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Original music by Michael Reilly. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter Backers and Patreon supporters. Support the show and get exculsive rewards in return by visiting patreon.com/talkingfish. Connect with us on social media @talkingfishcast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com

BLOOPER

AMANDA (as the Empress): Take him out of my sight!

MICHAEL: Let's hear Faendyr be dragged.

TATUM: Get your hands off of me! If you're gonna manhandle me, do it like you mean it!

(Everyone laughs)

LENA: I'm sorry.

SILVER: Awesome.

LENA: Did you catch my laugh?

MICHAEL: No no, you-your laugh was late enough

LENA: Okay. Okay, good.

LAURA: I wasn't expecting that. 



A cassette tape hisses, and the eject button is pressed.

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