The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root Wiki
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NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

SCENE 1. OUTSIDE JADE REACH.

Same environment as previously.

BIANKA

RUN YOU IDIOTS!

KEEPERS

Come back here! Stop this instant!

SOUND: The companions all start running

KEANU

We'd rather not, if that's okay!

COLIN

Where are we going?

BIANKA

I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here.

COLIN

I know what what?

WAELYNN

(from behind them)

Incende!

SOUND: A fireball flies through the air and lands near them

COMPANIONS

Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc

GILBERT

Are they shooting fireballs at us?!

CAMILLA

It certainly seems like it!

SOUND: Fireball again, closer this time.

GILBERT

Woah!

CAMILLA

Faendyr! Cast a portal and get us out of here!

FAENDYR

Oh. Oh yeah!

Uh... where to?

GILBERT

Anywhere!

FAENDYR

I mean I can't do anywhere, we might end up like underground or in space or something.

SOUND: Another fireball

GILBERT

Just pick somewhere!

KEEPER RICHARD

Stop this instant!

KEEPER WEALYNN

Release the Relic!

BIANKA

Any time now would be great!

CAMILLA

Faendyr!!

FAENDYR

I CAN'T CAST A PORTAL WHEN YOU'RE YELLING AT ME!

SCENE 2. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.

The castle grounds, afternoon. A group of goats does their goat business in an inclosure nearby. 

KING ALFRED

Willis! ... Willis! Willis, I'm in the zoological gardens and I require you!
Where is that man. Willllliiis!

SOUND: Willis runs over, footsteps on gravel.

WILLIS

Yes, sire?

KING ALFRED

There you are Willis! I was calling you, what took you so long?

WILLIS

I was... using the facilities, sire.

KING ALFRED

That's no excuse. I had to wait a full fifteen seconds.

WILLIS

It was... urgent, sire.

KING ALFRED

You may not use the facilities when I require you, Willis.

WILLIS

But sire, you did not require me when I took my leave.

KING ALFRED

Well, yes I didn't need you then! But I needed you right after!

WILLIS

I apologize, sire.

KING ALFRED

In the future it would be better to just hold it in, hm?

WILLIS

I-- Yes, sire. It won't happen again.

KING ALFRED

See that it doesn't.

WILLIS

What do you require, your majesty?

KING ALFRED

Hm?

WILLIS

You said you needed me.

KING ALFRED

I did?

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

KING ALFRED

Hm. Oh! Yes! The royal goats have defecated in their enclosure.
It distresses me to have to look upon such filth. Please clean it up.

WILLIS

I'll call the stable hand.

KING ALFRED

No no no. I need you to do it. Immediately.

SCENE 3. OUTSIDE JADE REACH.

SOUND: Fireball, very close

BIANKA

Not to be dramatic, but we're going to die or worse if you don't get us out of here immediately.

FAENDYR

I'm working on it, okay?

SOUND: Bad portal

FAENDYR

Nope.

SOUND: Bad portal.

FAENDYR

Nope!

SOUND: Bad portal.

CAMILLA

Sooner rather than later would be preferable, Faendyr!

FAENDYR

I can't run and cast at the same time!

GILBERT

Not to put any more pressure on you but that's kind of a problem because if we stop moving, we're dead.

FAENDYR

Well, I don't know what it is exactly you want me to do about that!

KEANU

My dudes, it's okay. I can distract them. You get out of here.

GILBERT

No Keanu, that's not an option.

SOUND: Fireball, closer than it's been.

COLIN

Ooooh!

KEANU

Gil, let me do this. You guys saved me, you gave me another chance at life. Let me do the same for you.

KEVIN

*squeak*

KEANU

Keep an eye on Colin for me, Kevin!

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

Keanu, what are you saying?

KEANU

Fly, my dudes!

SOUND: Keanu runs away (towards the Keepers).

KEANU

(from a distance)

Hey! You! Uhhh, look at me! I'm a talking unicorn! Raaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

COLIN

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

SOUND: Portal opening.

SAD MUSICAL INTERLUDE

SCENE 4. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.

WILLIS

No.

KING ALFRED

Excuse me?

WILLIS

No!

KING ALFRED

I'm sorry, I must not have heard what you said.

WILLIS

I said "no." Sire.

KING ALFRED

(deadly)

That's what I thought.
Well, well, Willis. The day has finally come.

WILLIS

W-what day, sire?

KING ALFRED

The day when you finally betray me.

WILLIS

Oh, no, sire. I'm not betraying you.

KING ALFRED

And you have the gall to deny it. This is what we have come to.

WILLIS

It's just that it is not my job to... to pick up... goat poop. Sire.

KING ALFRED

Your job is to do whatever I say it is, Willis!

WILLIS

I'm sorry sire, but there are some lines I will not cross.

KING ALFRED

I can't believe this. After everything I've ever done for you!

WILLIS

With respect your majesty, you haven't really done that much for me.

KING ALFRED

How dare you! I gave you a day off when your mother died!

WILLIS

It would have taken three days to travel to the funeral and back, sire.

KING ALFRED

Well that wasn't my problem!

WILLIS

And when my father died?

KING ALFRED

I had already given you the day off for your mother!
What was I supposed to do? Give you another day off?!

WILLIS

Yes.

KING ALFRED

My gods.

Fine. What are you going to do with me?

WILLIS

I'm sorry, sire?

KING ALFRED

Are you going to lock me up?

WILLIS

What?

KING ALFRED

Kill me?

WILLIS

I don't understand.

KING ALFRED

Well, clearly this is coup!

WILLIS

No, it isn't sire. I simply don't wish to handle goat droppings, that's all.

KING ALFRED

You have some big gall, son. Big gall.

WILLIS

Oh my gods.

SCENE 5. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.

Same environment as always. Farm animals. Brook. Etc.

SOUND: PORTAL OPENS.

CAMILLA

Rippling Brook again?

COLIN

*ugly sobbing*

FAENDYR

You'd rather be on the bottom of the Glass Sea? You're welcome.

SOUND: Fabric burning.

GILBERT

Faendyr? You're on fire.

FAENDYR

Thanks.

GILBERT

No, I mean you are literally on fire.

FAENDYR

Wonderful! Fantastic! This is an antique, you know.

SOUND: He pats it out.

BIANKA

You okay?

FAENDYR

No, I'm not okay! And neither is Keanu!

COLIN

*wailing*

FAENDYR

Bianka must have told them I have a Relic! They know I have Fleshy!

BIANKA

I didn't! I swear to the gods, I didn't tell them.

CAMILLA

We need to figure out what we're going to do.

FAENDYR

You believe her??!

CAMILLA

I have no reason not to.

FAENDYR

EXCUSE ME? Then what was that back there?

GILBERT

Calm down.

FAENDYR

Don't tell me to calm down, Gil!

GILBERT

I'm sorry.

FAENDYR

I thought you of all people were on my side!

GILBERT

I am on your side. You're just acting a little strange.

FAENDYR

You know what? Screw this.

SOUND: He casts a portal

GILBERT

Faendyr, wait! Don't go.

FAENDYR

I'm out.

GILBERT

Faendyr! Please!

SOUND: The portal closes.

GILBERT

Oh come on!

CAMILLA

Well that was a bit much, I must say. Even for Faendyr.

COLIN

Where did he go?

GILBERT

How should I know?!
... I'm sorry, Colin. I shouldn't have snapped at you.

COLIN

It's okay. We're all upset right now.

BIANKA

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for it to go down like this.

GILBERT

So. What do we do now? Keanu is gone. And Faendyr is who-knows-where with the staff.
We have nothing. We were so close! And now it's all gone. We've failed Rodney. I failed Rodney.

CAMILLA

Gil, none of this is your fault.

GILBERT

I could have done something. I should have stayed behind instead of Keanu.
Then none of this would have happened.

CAMILLA

You don't know that.

BIANKA

Actually... here.

GILBERT

What's this?

BIANKA

It's the Hungering Band. I switched it with another box. Keeper Richard had it in his pocket like an idiot.

CAMILLA

When?

BIANKA

When we were talking.

CAMILLA

How?

BIANKA

I told you I'm good.

SOUND: Gil OPENS the box. A menacing hum.

GILBERT

Gods, this stuff makes me uncomfortable.

SOUND: He CLOSES it. The hum stops.

KEVIN

*squeak*

BIANKA

I know it doesn't fix all our problems. But at least it's something.

COLIN

And Kevin says he has some of Keanu's hair.

(choked up)

He used it to make a nest.

CAMILLA

Thank you, Kevin.

KEVIN

*squeaks*

COLIN

He says you're welcome.

BIANKA

Hey kid. I'm sure Keanu is okay. The Keepers wouldn't hurt a unicorn.

COLIN

I hope you're right.

BIANKA

I know I am.

GILBERT

(sotto)

Really?

BIANKA

(sotto)

No.

GILBERT

(sotto)

Oh.

CAMILLA

We're only a day from Fools Haven. I say we give Gwendolyn what we have and regroup at the Capital.

GILBERT

I have a feeling she's not going to be too happy about us not having the staff.

CAMILLA

Well, there's nothing we can do about that right now. And I don't think Faendyr will stay away for too long. I'm sure he'll come back when he's cooled off.

GILBERT

I don't know. He seemed really upset.

CAMILLA

Don't be dense. He fancies you, Gil. He'll be back.

GILBERT

What about the unicorn for King Alfred? That's the whole reason we're on this crazy, labyrinthine quest.

CAMILLA

If you recall, my original plan was to affix a cattle horn onto a horse. He'll never know the difference.

SOUND: Horse WHINNY

BIANKA

Speaking of unicorns...

CAMILLA

Wait a moment. That looks like one of Peerless' horses.

GILBERT

Could be. He rents land in the country to graze them.

CAMILLA

Even better. Shall we?

COLIN

Hail and well met, friend!

SOUND: HORSE WHINNY

COLIN

Likewise. How would you like to be a unicorn?

SOUND: Walking up

HEAD VILLAGER

Hail and well met-- Oh no! No no no. How are you back? Please, go away!

GILBERT

Give it a rest, we're leaving.

CAMILLA

But not because you said so! We were leaving before you said anything.

HEAD VILLAGER

Wait, you can't take that horse, it belongs to Lord Peerless!

CAMILLA

Perfect.

HEAD VILLAGER

He'll be very mad!

BIANKA

That sounds like more of a "you" problem.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh. Okay.

SOUND: Horse whinny

COLIN

You're right, he is a pushover.

SCENE 6. EXT. KIRKLAND CASTLE. ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.

Sound: Same as before, but the goats are louder.

KING ALFRED

Well, Willis! What now? You've imprisoned me in the goats' enclosure. Come, don't be a pushover!

WILLIS

I did no such thing, sire. You locked yourself in there.

KING ALFRED

To escape from you, you mad man!

WILLIS

Please sire, come out of there.

KING ALFRED

I shan't.

WILLIS

Please, sire.

KING ALFRED

The goats are my subjects now.

SOUND: Goat bleats.

KING ALFRED

I've named this one Lord Willis.

WILLIS

(wounded)

You've made him a lord?

KING ALFRED

Yes, because he would never betray me unlike some people I could mention!

SOUND: Plop.

KING ALFRED

Oh. Oh dear. Lord Willis has relieved himself on the royal slippers.

WILLIS

Perhaps you should ask him to clean it up.

KING ALFRED

I'm sure he will.

WILLIS

I have no doubt, sire. After all, you made him a lord.

KING ALFRED

Lord Willis, clean up your... droppings.

SOUND: Bleat.

WILLIS

It appears that he refuses, sire.

KING ALFRED

Lord Willis! I command you!

SOUND: Munching.

KING ALFRED

No, Lord Willis! I didn't say eat my robe. Oh dear.

WILLIS

He's a hungry fella.

KING ALFRED

Willis--

WILLIS

Me, or the goat, sire?

KING ALFRED

You! Obviously!
I have grown tired of ruling these goats. I have decided to abdicate this throne and return to ruling Kirkland.

SOUND: He tries to open the gate, but it's locked.

KING ALFRED

Hm. The gate won't open.

WILLIS

That's because you locked it, sire. And gave me the key.

KING ALFRED

Well well well. We meet again, my old adversary.

WILLIS

Please, sire.

KING ALFRED

I will have to think of what to do with you when I get out of here.

WILLIS

But, sire! I've done nothing wrong!

KING ALFRED

Oh! Oh! Nothing!

WILLIS

Sire, may I humbly suggest a compromise?

KING ALFRED

A king does not compromise with lower-borns.

SOUND: Plop.

KING ALFRED

Very well, I'm listening.

WILLIS

In exchange for you magnanimously forgiving my indiscretion--

KING ALFRED

You mean your heartless coup.

WILLIS

My...

(sigh)

heartless coup... I will give you the key.

KING ALFRED

Hm. What's in it for me?

SOUND: Munch.

KING ALFRED

Ah yes. I see. Very well, Willis. I accept your terms.

WILLIS

Here you are, sire.

SOUND: Key dropping.

KING ALFRED

Ooops.

SOUND: Munching.

KING ALFRED

Lord Willis! Nooooooooooooooo!

WILLIS

He appears to have eaten the key, sire.

KING ALFRED

I can see that!!!

WILLIS

It would seem that you're stuck in there with the goats, sire. I'm sure Lord Willis will help you.

KING ALFRED

I doubt it! He betrayed me.

WILLIS

That is... unless...

KING ALFRED

Unless, what Willis?

WILLIS

If you make me Lord Willis, I will get the spare key from the stable hand.

KING ALFRED

I can just call for the stable hand myself.

WILLIS

Well, yes, sire, you could. That is if she weren't avoiding you.

KING ALFRED

Whatever for?

WILLIS

She's worried you will rename her like you did Billy.

KING ALFRED

What's her name?

WILLIS

Jennifer, sire.

KING ALFRED

What kind of name is that?!

Ah. I see.

Willis. I have an idea. If I grant you the title of Lord, will you get the spare key?

WILLIS

Hm. I don't know, sire...

KING ALFRED

I'll even start paying you!

WILLIS

Very well, sire... If you insist.

SCENE 7. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLYN'S HUT.

GILBERT

Well. This is it. Gwendolyn's... hut. Is it rude to call it a hut? Oh gods I hope she can't hear me.

KEVIN

*squeak*

SOUND: Horse WHINNY

COLIN

Kevin doesn't like this place. And neither does Genevieve.

GILBERT

Who is Genevieve?

SOUND: HORSE WHINNY

GILBERT

Of course.

BIANKA

Don't worry Colin. Camilla and Gil can talk to the witch. We'll wait back here, okay?

COLIN

Okay...

CAMILLA

Well. Shall we?

GILBERT

After you.

CAMILLA

No, after you.

GILBERT

Please, I insist.

BIANKA

Oh my gods. I'll do it.

SOUND: Bianka WALKS up to the door. KNOCKS. It creaks open immediately.

BIANKA

Oh gods.

GWENDOLYN

Hiya!

SOUND: Gilbert walks up, Camilla follows.

GILBERT

Hello... um, ma'am.

GWENDOLYN

Oh! It's you! Took you long enough.

CAMILLA

Yes, well, we ran into some... complications.

GWENDOLYN

Adventuring is like that, isn't it? Nothin' worth doin' is ever easy! ... What happened to the tall one with the hair? 
Oh! Was he turned into a dwarf?

BIANKA

No, ma'am. I'm Bianka. I'm a completely different person.

GWENDOLYN

Ah. You're in trouble, aren't you?

BIANKA

I hope not.

GWENDOLYN

Oh no, you are. Better watch your back. That is, unless you want it to get stabbed.

BIANKA

Um, okay.

GWENDOLYN

And I mean literally stabbed.

BIANKA

Okay.

GWENDOLYN

Until you die.

BIANKA

Thanks.

GWENDOLYN

From being stabbed.

BIANKA

No, I... I get it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna check on Colin.

COLIN

(from further back)

Kevin and I are fine!

GWENDOLYN

Stab stab. To death.

BIANKA

Better check anyway.

SOUND: Bianka quickly WALKS away.

GILBERT

Here, Gwendolyn, this is for you.

GWENDOLYN

Oh! Oh ho! Come to mama!

SOUND: She opens the box. A menacing hum.

GWENDOLYN

Mm. Sorry sweetie, I just see a ring here... and a rat's nest?

GILBERT

It's, um, unicorn hair.

GWENDOLYN

Where's the staff?

CAMILLA

That's all we are able to give you at this time.

SOUND: Box snapping shut.

GWENDOLYN

That's... hm. That's a wee bit problematic for me.

GILBERT

There were extenuating circumstances.

GWENDOLYN

A deal's a deal, bucko.

CAMILLA

We'll get the staff.

GWENDOLYN

Where is it?

CAMILLA

We're not exactly sure at this particular moment.

GWENDOLYN

Well ya better hop to it then, Missy! The longer this takes, the harder it is for me to return that fish to human form.

GILBERT

Root.

GWENDOLYN

I don't follow.
Anywho, if you would please get off my doorstep I have some really important persons I'm distilling.

GILBERT

Do you mean potions?

GWENDOLYN

No.

SOUND: Door SLAM.

CAMILLA

I'm very tired of people slamming doors in our faces.

SOUND: Door creaks OPEN.

GWENDOLYN

And don't come back until you have the staff!

SOUND: Slam.

SOUND: Bianka and Colin join them. 

BIANKA

She's... charming.

CAMILLA

Let's get this horse to my father. I'm dying for a warm bath.

COLIN

I thought the horse was for the king?

CAMILLA

My father is the king.

COLIN

Wait... does that mean you're a princess?

GILBERT

Come on, Colin.

SCENE 8. INT. THRONE ROOM.

Reminicant of earlier episodes: courtiers mingle and talk about cheese, a harpsicord plays. The door opens, and the Companions approach. 

KING ALFRED

Ah, welcome home, Camilla!

CAMILLA

Hello, Father.

KING ALFRED

Everyone look! The Princess has returned home!

KING ALFRED

And my third best knight, Gilbert! And dear, dear Sir Rodney! How is he?

GILBERT

He's... um, fine.

KING ALFRED

Still a stick, I see.

CAMILLA

We're working on it.

KING ALFRED

But where is the bard?

CAMILLA, GILBERT AND BIANKA

Oh yeah.

COLIN

Whomst?

CAMILLA

He died. Very painfully too, I might add.

SOUND: The new bard, startled, stops playing with a crash of notes. 

KING ALFRED

Ah well. It isn't as if bards aren't thick on the ground.
Lord Willis! Put out a hiring notice.

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

CAMILLA

"Lord" Willis?

KING ALFRED

Yes, I've given him a title.

CAMILLA

Whatever for?

KING ALFRED

It's... a long story.
Did Master Faendyr die too?

COLIN

Maybe?

GILBERT

No.

BIANKA

Hey, princess didn't you want to tell your father something important about him? About his... job?

CAMILLA

It turns out that Master Faendyr...
He's on an important arcane research expedition.

BIANKA

Mm 'kay.

KING ALFRED

Ooooh! Jeffrey will be so jealous.
And who might you be?

BIANKA

I'm Bianka Coalbrand. At your service.
And just let me know if you need anything stolen. Not to brag, but I'm really good.

KING ALFRED

Mistress Coalbrand, would you perhaps be able to steal a castle? I'm... asking for a friend.

BIANKA

Like an entire building?

KING ALFRED

Obviously.

BIANKA

... No.

KING ALFRED

Too bad. How about a herd of cattle?

BIANKA

Yeah, I could swing that.

KING ALFRED

Perfect! Write that down, Lord Willis!

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

COLIN

Hail and well met, friend! I'm Colin. I'm one hundred and seven!

KING ALFRED

You're very small for your age. Are you a gnome?

COLIN

Yes.

GILBERT

No, sire. He's a human child.

COLIN

I was kidnapped by faeries!

KING ALFRED

Oh, congratulations!

SOUND: WHINNY

KING ALFRED

But what's this?

CAMILLA

It's a unicorn, father.

KING ALFRED

It is?

GILBERT

Of course, sire. Note the horn.

BIANKA

Now, was there a reward, or...?

COLIN

I like to think the real reward was the friends we made along the way.

BIANKA

Don't take this the wrong way Colin, but please shut up.

KING ALFRED

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I'm afraid you've been duped.

GILBERT

Uh...

CAMILLA

That's not possible.

KING ALFRED

I know this is embarrassing, yikes. But this is but a common Equus caballus with a horn stuck on with spirit gum.

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

COLIN

Ooooooh!

KING ALFRED

Well, better luck next time.

BIANKA

Yikes.

CAMILLA

I can't believe this.

GILBERT

I don't think this day could possibly get any worse.

SOUND: The door is thrown open, and Peerless approaches, his chainmaille rattling as he walks. 

KING ALFRED

Oh! Lord Peerless!

COURTIERS

(oooh Lord Peerless)

KING ALFRED

No need to worry, the Princess has returned home of her own accord!

LORD PEERLESS

Why does one of my horses have a horn glued to its head?

CAMILLA

None of your business.

LORD PEERLESS

It's literally my business.

GILBERT

Jimothy.

LORD PEERLESS

Gilbert.

LORD PEERLESS

Why do you wear a stick on your personage clothed in Sir Rodney's coat of arms?

GILBERT

It's a root.

LORD PEERLESS

You didn't answer my question. But you matter little in the scheme of things. Willis! Send for a cleric. I shall marry Camilla immediately.

COURTIERS

(surprised murmuring)

WILLIS

Very well, Lord Peerless.

CAMILLA

Willis! You shall do no such thing!

WILLIS

Yes, Princess Camilla.

LORD PEERLESS

Willis! Listen to me!

WILLIS

Uhhh...

CAMILLA

I am the Crown Princess, Willis!!

WILLIS

Mmmm... uh...

LORD PEERLESS

Willis! Get. The. Cleric!

WILLIS

I can't handle all this pressure!

CAMILLA

I'd rather you die than we wed.

LORD PEERLESS

Usually it's "I'd rather die"

CAMILLA

Yes. You would rather die. Because I will kill you myself.

BIANKA

Sorry, handsome, sounds like the lady really isn't interested.

LORD PEERLESS

Who are you?

BIANKA

Your worst nightmare.

KING ALFRED

I'm sure you're eager for your nuptials, Lord Peerless, but only the king may decide when the crown princess shall wed.

LORD PEERLESS

As loath as I am to admit it, you are correct. However, there is a technicality I must mention. I am the king now.

COURTIERS

(shocked murmuring)

CAMILLA

How dare you!

KING ALFRED

No, silly, I'm the king-- oh wait, I see what's going on! This is a coup, right? Hm. This is a bit awkward. You see, we just had a whole side plot about one.

WILLIS

No, we didn't! Sire.

KING ALFRED

And unfortunately because Lord Willis already did that this episode, you can't have one now.

LORD PEERLESS

Oh, but I am.

CAMILLA

You and whose army?

SOUND: MECHANICAL marching.

COURTIERS

(frightened noises)

LORD PEERLESS

This one.

COLIN

Oooooh! I know what those are! They're automatons!

CAMILLA

Very well, I will admit it was rather troupe-y of me to challenge you like that. I'm not sure what else I expected to happen.

WILLIS

With respect sire, this is what a coup looks like.

KING ALFRED

Huh. Well, I don't like it.

SOUND: Gil draws his sword.

GILBERT

Stay behind me, Colin.

SOUND: Bianka readies her crossbow

LORD PEERLESS

Automatons, seize them!

BARD

Now this is entertainment! Will the Companions escape the clutches of perfect Peerless and his metal machines? Will Rodney ever get out of that root? Will Gil ever see Faendyr and his Fleshy again??

To find out, tune in next season for more of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Nicholas Temple, Andrew Quilpa, Courtney Branch, Stacy Kruml, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter and Laura Zheng. Original music by Michael Reilly. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supporters. Support the show and get exclusive rewards in return by visitng patreon.com/talkingfish. Connect with us on social media @TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show informtion at talkingfishpodcasts.com. 

SCENE 9. EXT. A MARSH.

KEANU

Woooooah. Dude. Where am I? What happened?

Man. I must have wiped out biiig time. ​​​​​​I wonder...

SOUND: He stumbles and splashes in the water.

KEANU

Yep. Looks like I'm still a unicorn.

Niiiiiiice!

OUTTAKE

LENA

We're--- we're only a ---- (raspberry noise) We're only a day from ---- 

Why can't I speak suddenly?!

Well, we're only a day from....

(Interface/Automaton voice:)

Fools. Haven.

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