OLFGA
Good. Soft humans and elf do exactly as Olfga planned. Spartak!
ORC BOY SPARTAK
Hm?
OLFGA
Follow them. Soon we pay final visit to Olfga's new friends!
NARRATOR
Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
Theme music
SCENE 1. INT. DWARVEN MUSEUM.
SOUND: LARGE DOORS OPENING. A large open space, a tiled floor. Other people quietly talking.
GILBERT
Well, this certainly looks like a museum.
FAENDYR
BARD
What gave it away? Was it the GIANT sign saying "museum"?
GILBERT
I'm just trying to establish where we are in an audio format.
Slow, shuffling elderly FOOTSTEPS approach as:
OLD DWARF
Welcome to the Jade Reach National Museum of Magical and Arcane Arti--
COLIN
Hail and well met, friend!
PATRONS
Shhhhh!
COLIN
(quieter)
Hail and well met, friend.
OLD DWARF
Um. Hello child.
Before you enter, we humbly ask that you pay what you are able so we may keep our doors open for all scholars who come seeking knowledge.
COMPANIONS
Uhhh, well... *non committal noises*
COLIN
Do not worry, my friends! I shall pay for all of us. Here, my good sir. Take this!
OLD DWARF
And... what is this?
COLIN
It's my favorite leaf. Don't spend it all in one place.
OLD DWARF
... Are you here to get off the streets, or may I direct you to any particular exhibits?
CAMILLA
We've heard this museum is home to one of the Unholy Relics.
GILBERT
We're, um, grad students?
COLIN
I'm a full-grown gnome!
OLD DWARF
This museum is indeed home to one of the Demon Relics. It is the prize of our collection- the Consumer of Flesh. It is bound to the demon Uxellodunon, but we have been unable to verify that claim.
CAMILLA
Mm. Ah. Yes.
GILBERT
Mmhm.
BIANKA
Grad students, huh?
OLD DWARF
I can take you to it. But I must ask you to maintain a respectful distance from our artifacts.
GILBERT
Of course. Thank you, sir. We understand that you don't want visitors touching your exhibits.
OLD DWARF
No. Not all visitors. Just you and your compatriots.
BIANKA
Looks like the artifacts aren't the only antiques in this place.
OLD DWARF
Excuse me?
BIANKA
I was just saying what a wonderful collection of antiques in this place.
OLD DWARF
Wait a moment... I think I've seen your face before.
BIANKA
Me? Aw, that's highly unlikely.
OLD DWARF
You look very familiar.
BIANKA
That's not possible.
OLD DWARF
Please, wait here. I need to check something, uh, in the office.
The Old Dwarf slowly walks away as:
BIANKA
Okay, quick. We have three... no make that five minutes tops before he makes it back and realizes we're gone.
GILBERT
Why did he recognize you?
BIANKA
I have one of those faces.
You're here to steal this staff right? Or have I misread the entire vibe...?
CAMILLA
You're not... incorrect.
GILBERT
It's a little more complicated than that.
FAENDYR
It's really not though?
GILBERT
We're doing this for Rodney!
COLIN
Who's Rodney?
CAMILLA
He's a root.
GILBERT
He's not just a root!
BIANKA
Okay cool cool, I genuinely don't care about your motivation. We've got like four minutes now. Are we going to do this thing or what?
COLIN
Let's do it!
The companions RUN down the tiled hallway.
GILBERT
Sorry! Don't mind us... sorry... excuse me.
FAENDYR
Where are we going? There's like a million rooms in this place.
BIANKA
Maybe this one?
DOOR OPENING. A menacing GROWL. Quick DOOR CLOSE.
BIANKA
Nope.
GILBERT
What in the infernal plane was that and why keep it in a public museum??
BIANKA
Uh, maybe this hallway here?
FAENDYR
We can't run down every hallway in this place, that will take hours.
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
It's down the hall to the left.
CAMILLA
Did Brad tell you this?
COLIN
No, Brad has never been here, this is his cousin Kevin.
KEVIN
(squeaks)
COLIN
Kevin says hi.
GILBERT
There are a disconcerting amount of rats in this city.
KEVIN
(squeak)
COLIN
Kevin says this room here.
CONTINUOUS:
SCENE 2. MUSEUM ROOM.
There is a disconcerting magickal droning coming from the glass case holding the staff.
COLIN
Oooooooh.
BIANKA
Wow.
CAMILLA
Is that the staff? In that glass case?
FAENDYR
Sitting in the middle of a room with nothing else? It has to be.
COLIN
Well done, Kevin! Everyone thank Kevin.
GILBERT
Thanks, Kevin.
KEVIN
(squeak)
FAENDYR
Does anyone else feel... weird?
GILBERT
Yeah. There's something wrong with that staff.
CAMILLA
Well, it must be the one we want then. You don't name something the Consumer of Flesh if it gives you a nice, warm fuzzy feeling.
BIANKA
Trust me, this is it.
COLIN
What's those scratches there?
GILBERT
That's writing Colin. It's a plaque. Since we're in a museum it probably tells us what in the case.
COLIN
Oooh!
GILBERT
I'm not sure what it says though, I think it's in Dwarvish.
BIANKA
It says "Don't touch the glass"
COLIN
Oh.
CAMILLA
We need to focus. We only have so much time before someone wanders in.
FOOTSTEPS come in the room.
BIANKA
This room is closed.
PATRON
Oh. There isn't a sign...
BIANKA
We haven't put it up yet.
COLIN
We're stealing anything!
PATRON
Uh...
BIANKA
You need to leave.
PATRON
Um.
BIANKA
Now.
PATRON
Ah. Um... Okay...
He quickly leaves
CAMILLA
We need to speed this up.
GILBERT
How do we get it out of the case? Should we just break the glass?
FAENDYR
Ugh, that's so hit-and-run.
BIANKA
It probably wouldn't work anyway. I'd bet good coin the glass is magickally reinforced. Dwarves are all about practical applications of magick.
FAENDYR
Versus whom, exactly?
GILBERT
Hey Faendyr, couldn't you open the lock?
FAENDYR
I mean, technically I could. But I'd have to figure out what kind of lock it is, and if there is any magick involved with the lock itself, and that alone takes a while, and then I have to--
BIANKA
I got this.
Bianka picks the lock.
GILBERT
So... where did you learn to pick locks?
BIANKA
I had a rough childhood. Also it impresses girls, so.
GILBERT
I wouldn't know.
CAMILLA
As long as we get out of here without being arrested for theft, consider me impressed.
The lock opens and the glass door opens slightly. The magickal barrier disapates.
BIANKA
That was easy.
CAMILLA
I must say, this is the first thing we've done that's actually gone well.
OLFGA
Hello soft humans and elf! Also new dwarf lady.
COLIN
Oh! Hello!
GILBERT
Oh my gods.
FAENDYR
Of course. Fantastic. Wonderful.
CAMILLA
Olfga!
OLFGA
And boys!
BIANKA
Friends of yours?
COLIN
Yes.
FAENDYR
No!
GILBERT
What are you doing here? You said we could go free.
OLFGA
Olfga did say this yes. Olfga hear that soft friends have own quest for Demon staff.
FAENDYR
Gil!
GILBERT
Sorry.
OLFGA
Olfga overhear tall elf muttering in sleep about quest for old strong magick objects.
FAENDYR
Jokes on you, elves don't sleep.
CAMILLA
Then what's your excuse?
OLFGA
Olfga and Boys also look for magick object for important client. Was- how you say- fortuitous.
GILBERT
Yes, actually. Perfect pronunciation.
CAMILLA
Gil.
GILBERT
Sorry.
OLFGA
Olfga not stupid. Olfga know even if dwarves let strong beautiful orcs in museum, Olfga and boys could not get through case without breaking glass and alerting museum workers. So, Olfga let soft stupid humans do hard work instead.
GILBERT
That's actually not a bad plan.
OLFGA
You give Olfga staff now.
CAMILLA
Or what?
OLFGA
Or you all die.
A dramatic beat, then:
CAMILLA
That's funny.
OLFGA
Olfga is very serious.
CAMILLA
No. I just realized that today is St. Goat's Day.
FAENDYR
Oh yeah!
GILBERT
It figures St. Goat's Day would be the day that I die...
SCENE 3. INT. THE CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
A temp bard plays the hapsicord as courtiers mingle.
ALFRED
Willis!
CAT COLLAR BELL as Willis approaches.
ALFRED
There you are... What's that?
WILLIS
You told me to wear a cat's collar with a bell, sire. I obliged.
ALFRED
Well, I have changed my mind.
WILLIS
Very well, sire.
ALFRED
Do you know what day it is today?
WILLIS
Thorsday, sire.
ALFRED
You are partially correct. Today is St Goat's Day!
ABRUPT STOP to live music. A cheese platter falls to the floor. The courtiers moan.
WILLIS
Oh, no, sire.
ALFRED
Oh yes, sire!
WILLIS
Please, your majesty. I'd rather not.
ALFRED
Well too bad, Willis. Prepare the catapult! Or should I say goat-a-pult? (Transition) No, that's lame. Strike that, Willis. Prepare the catapult!
SCENE 4. INT. THE MUSEUM. EXHIBIT ROOM.
GILBERT
I'm sorry, but no. We won't give you the staff.
OLFGA
Olfga must have not heard correctly.
GILBERT
This quest of ours hasn't exactly gone as planned...
OLFGA
Thanks to Olfga and boys, yes?
GILBERT
I mean, I didn't say that--
CAMILLA
Gil!
GILBERT
My point is: We've actually accomplished something here, and you're not going to take that away from us.
OLFGA
Olfga will not ask again. Give Olfga staff. Now.
BARD
We will do no such thing!
OLFGA
Who is this?
BARD
I'm the Bard!
OLFGA
... Who?
BARD
The bard. I've been here the whole time.
OLFGA
Olfga thinks not.
BOYS
(agreement)
BARD
You imprisoned me along with everyone else!
OLFGA
Did Olfga do this?
BARD
Yes! That... boy over there held me in chains!
BOY
Eh.
BARD
I'm a member of this party!
GILBERT
Mm um it's not... mm.
CAMILLA
Not really.
FAENDYR
I feel like this is the first I'm seeing him?
BARD
None of you take me seriously as a character!
GILBERT
No, we do.
BARD
Then what's my name? Hm?
GIL, FAENDYR, CAMILLA
Uhhhh...?
BARD
Oh come on! I've been working at the castle for five years.
CAMILLA
I make it a point to not learn the names of the staff. It's a power move.
COLIN
Is your name Tiffany?
BARD
No! My name.... is not..... Tiffany!
COLIN
Are you sure?
BARD
Yes I'm sure!!!
I will no longer sit by and let the story happen around me. I'm moving it forward myself!
The Bard walks toward the case, and fully opens the door
GILBERT
What are you doing?
BARD
Obviously I'm taking the staff for myself! I have to say for a top-billed character you are pretty dense.
BIANKA
Wait! Don't touch it--
As the bard touches the staff, strange wisperings errupt. His scream echoes and falls away as the staff hits the ground
FAENDYR
Um?
GILBERT
Ugh!
CAMILLA
My gods! Did it just eat him??
OLFGA
What happened to annoying human?
FAENDYR
I mean no loss, but jeez.
BIANKA
Quick, grab the staff, but don't let it touch your skin.
FAENDYR
I have my opera gloves here---
CAMILLA
You brought opera gloves?!
FAENDYR
You didn't?
BIANKA
Careful!
FAENDYR
Got it!
As he picks it up, the strange droning stops.
Woah, this thing has some crazy powerful magick, that's for sure.
OLFGA
Stop tall elf! Give Olfga bard-eating staff or--
SOUND: Gil DRAWS HIS SWORD
GIL
Or what?
FAENDYR
Hey, orcs- catch this:
Incende!
A FIREBALL ERUPTS. The sound of FIRE continues.
FAENDYR
Nice! That is the biggest fireball I've ever cast! Daddy like.
COLIN
Is that orc supposed to be on fire?
ORC BOY
*screaming*
FAENDYR
Uh, yeah.
COLIN
What about the rug?
FAENDYR
Uh oh...
Fire whoosh as the tapestries go up in flames.
COLIN
And the tapestries?
GILBERT
Oh my gods.
FAENDYR
Uhhhh... oopsey poopsey.
CAMILLA
We need to get out of here, now!
COLIN
Kevin told me there are tunnels big enough for us to fit through!
BIANKA
He's right. There are maintenance tunnels for the elevators that lead out to the surface. There's one out the back. Come on!
RUNNING, OLFGA AND BOYS YELLING AFTER THEM
GILBERT
How do you know all of this? You said you'd never been to this city before.
BIANKA
Did I?
OLD DWARF
Wait! Stop!
FAENDYR
Yeah, my bad!
OLD DWARF
And no running in the museum!
GILBERT Sorry!
SOUND: DOOR OPENING
BIANKA
Through here!
OLD DWARF
That area is not for patrons!
BIANKA
Let's go let's go let's go...!
COLIN
Bye bye Mr Dwarf!
OLD DWARF
Sto---
Bianks slams the door. They are now inside of the maintiance tunnels.
BIANKA
These tunnels were made for dwarves so you might might wanna--
SOUND: FAENDYR'S HEAD HITTING METAL
FAENDYR
Ow! Gods!
CAMILLA
Careful!
GILBERT
Are you alright?
FAENDYR
No!
BIANKA
Sorry, I thought that would have been a given. We take this turn up here.
SCENE 5. EXT. KIRKLAND'S BORDER WITH WESTLAND.
A field. A trumpet singles the begining of the festivies. Courtiers chatter.
KING ALFRED
Welcome to the royal court's St. Goat's Day celebration, here at the border with Westland and in sight of Jeffrey's stupid castle! Thank you for joining us for this, our fifth annual goat-toss.
Hit it, Willis.
WILLIS
Very well, sire.
A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air.
KING ALFRED
Oooh! Look at him go! Beautiful.
SOUND: The goat lands far away. It bleats (it's fine).
QUINTON
(far away)
Excuse me? Excuse me!
KING ALFRED
Ah! Hullo, Quinton! Fancy seeing you here!
Willis, launch another one.
A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air. Coutiers appricate its flight.
QUINTON
(closer)
It's Lord Quinton now. His majesty Jeffrey was kind enough to give me a ti-- Oh my!
SOUND: Goat lands.
QUINTON
That goat almost killed me!
WILLIS
If only I were so fortunate.
KING ALFRED
Jeffrey gave you a title?! Whatever for?
QUINTON
(now here)
You can't throw goats into our country.
KING ALFRED
But I just did.
QUINTON
I don't mean you physically aren't able to. You aren't allowed.
KING ALFRED
Says who?
QUINTON
King Jeffrey.
WILLIS
Here we go.
QUINTON
Oh. Oh dear.
KING ALFRED
King Jeffrey! King Jeffrey dares to infringe upon my religious freedom?!
QUINTON
With all due respect, King Alfred, St. Goat's Day is not a religious holiday.
KING ALFRED
It is in Kirkland!!!
WILLIS
St. Goat's day honors the day that the founders of our countries, Lords Kirk and West respectively, argued over a magical goat, leading to their irreparable separation and our two nations.
QUINTON
I know what St. Goat's Day is! The issue is the goats are landing in Westland, which presents a bit of a problem for us.
KING ALFRED
That's the whole point! Willis?
WILLIS
Yes, sire.
SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING.
QUINTON
That aside, it isn't very kind to the goats involved.
KING ALFRED
They're fine. They're wearing helmets.
WILLIS
And padding, sire.
KING ALFRED
Yes, as my man said, and padding.
QUINTON
You're still launching them out of a catapult. It must be a very jarring experience.
WILLIS
I am told they enjoy it.
KING ALFRED
And now they get to live in your "wonderful" country. How lucky them for them.
QUINTON
Please, King Alfred. We do this every year.
KING ALFRED
That's because it's an annual tradition.
QUINTON
I'm begging you.
KING ALFRED
Oh ho! A Westlander begging a boon of Kirkland! Mark this day, Willis!
WILLIS
Yes, sire.
KING ALFRED
I will only stop if King Jeffrey asks me to.
QUINTON
Oh he does! Very much so.
KING ALFRED
No no, I mean here. Himself. In person. Maybe if he could get down on his knees a little, too.
QUINTON
King Jeffrey is attending to vital matters of state.
KING ALFRED
Oh boo hoo. Willis?
SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING.
KING ALFRED
I'm not stopping our revelries until King Jeffrey himself comes here.
QUINTON
You'll be waiting a long time.
KING ALFRED
(deadly serious)
I've got a lot of goats.
A goat lands. Bleats.
SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF SUNKEN KINGDOM.
SOUND: A metal HATCH OPENS near a stream in Northern Kirkland.
COMPANIONS
(gasping for breath)
GILBERT
Oh gods, I don't think I've done that much running since the Chicken Affair.
COLIN
That was so much fun! I love fleeing for our lives, can we do it again?
CAMILLA
Gods, I hope not.
FAENDYR
I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna lie down for a sec--
SOUND: Faendyr COLLAPSES
GILBERT
Are you alright, Faendyr?
FAENDYR
Oh yeah. I mean I have a concussion and I just ran, like, a mile. I'm fine.
(vomits)
CAMILLA
Ugh. Disgusting.
BIANKA
What's going on here, anyway? What are you doing?
FAENDYR
Well, currently, I'm dying...
BIANKA
You're not exactly the typical people who steal infamous magical objects. No offence, but you guys seem really in over your heads.
COLIN
I'm not in over my head, I'm tall for my age!
BIANKA
Pfft. You're, what? Six, seven? Maybe like a hundred years ago, kid.
GILBERT
He's actually one hundred and seven. More or less.
COLIN
I was kidnapped by faeries!
BIANKA
That explains a lot actually. But that doesn't explain what a princess, a fancy elf, and a knight with a stick are doing stealing one of the Unholy Relics.
GILBERT
This isn't a stick. It's a root. I mean, it's not a root. It's my friend. Rodney.
BIANKA
Okay...?
FAENDYR
Sir Rodney was turned into a root by a witch.
COLIN
Um... excuse me?
FAENDYR
Not now, kid, grown-ups are talking.
CAMILLA
We're actually on a quest to find a unicorn for my father's zoological gardens.
BIANKA
Unicorns are an endangered species and there are international laws banning their capture and captivity.
CAMILLA
My father is an idiot.
BIANKA
But what were you doing in Jade Reach? Last I checked unicorns aren't burrowing creatures.
COLIN
May I say something?
GILBERT
We're also collecting some of the Relics so the witch can turn Sir Rodney back.
BIANKA
Oh. That makes sense. The Lauright Rule and all that.
FAENDYR
The what?
BIANKA
The Lauright Rule? To undo a spell, you need a stronger magic than what was used to make it?
FAENDYR
I knew what it was, I just didn't think you did.
CAMILLA
Bianka, how do you know that? Magical theory isn't exactly common knowledge.
BIANKA
By way of explanation, allow me to make a proposal. This may surprise you, but I'm a professional thief.
GILBERT
(sarcastic)
Noooo!
BIANKA
I know, it's a lot to take in. My specialty is finding and stealing arcane objects for collectors- mostly from other collectors. You know the type- nobles with more money than brains.
CAMILLA
The most common type.
BIANKA
I also happen to know where many of the remaining Relics are located.
GILBERT
And how do you know this?
BIANKA
Word gets around in my business. And I just happen to be looking for some. Business, I mean.
CAMILLA
What are your terms?
BIANKA
Just an equal share of whatever reward you're receiving.
GILBERT
Those are certainly fair terms, and Bianka has been very helpful so far. I say she joins the Companions.
FAENDYR
I'll probably be dead in like five minutes, so whatever, cool.
BIANKA
Whaddya say, Princess?
CAMILLA
Frankly, we need whatever assistance we are able to find.
BIANKA
So you don't mind that I steal stuff for a living?
CAMILLA
While I may not personally endorse what you do, I am not one to look a gift gryphon in the beak.
COLIN
MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION?
Welcome to the Companions of the Root, Bianka.
BIANKA
Aw, you have a group name. Love it.
GILBERT
Well, now we just need to track down that ring and a unicorn.
COLIN
EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!
EVERYONE
(surprised noises)
COLIN
I apologize, but it is important.
GILBERT
What is it Colin?
COLIN
Look...!
SOUND: MAGICAL SPARKLY NOISES. HORSE WHINNY.
CAMILLA
Is that?
GILBERT
It can't be.
FAENDYR
Oh gods, I'm hallucinating. I see a unicorn!
BIANKA
Woah.
BARD (NARRATOR V/O)
It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions--
COMPANIONS
(shocked noises)
FAENDYR
Now I'm hearing the Bard! Ohmygods, am I dead too?!
COLIN
Are you hiding? Oooh! Are we playing hide and seek? I'll hide!
GILBERT
No, Colin.
SOUND: Colin RUNS AWAY.
COLIN
Too late, come find me!
CAMILLA
We thought you were dead!
BARD
I am, in fact, dead. Thanks. My physical form was completely torn asunder. It was incredibly traumatic, glad you brought it up. But death has only made me fully omniscient and omnipotent.
It's a Saint Goat's Day miracle.
GILBERT
Don't take Saint Goat's name in vain.
BARD
I'm trying to wrap up this episode. Can I-- do you mind?
CAMILLA
Yes.
BARD
It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions. What could they possibly do to screw this one up? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! ... Mortals
END CREDITS
(Lena)
The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Yasmin Tuazon, Stacey Kruml, Bill Hurlbut, Andrew Quilpa, Tom Howley, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish
SCENE 7. EXT. AFTER CREDITS. BORDER WITH WESTLAND.
Twilight. A large amount of goats bleating in the distance.
SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT.
WILLIS
That was the last goat, sire.
KING ALFRED
Jeffrey didn't come, Willis.
WILLIS
And the courtiers have all gone home.
KING ALFRED
He never comes. Was it something I said?
WILLIS
Perhaps it was the goats, sire.
KING ALFRED
No, that can't be it.
WILLIS
Of course not, sire. Who could object to having goats thrown at them?
KING ALFRED
We have to do something bigger next year to get his attention. Maybe cows?
WILLIS
Perhaps, sire. Shall we go home?
KING ALFRED
Yes. But Willis- collect my goats first.
WILLIS
The goats, sire?
KING ALFRED
Jeffrey doesn't deserve to keep them.
WILLIS
I--
(sigh)
Very well sire.
BLOOPER
LAURA
Just... alright.
MICHAEL
This isn't Brad?
LAURA
(cross talk)
No.
LENA
(cross talk)
Oh you're right, this is Brad.
LAURA
No.
LENA
No! This is Kevin!
MICHAEL
No this is Kevin! This is our introduction to Kevin.
LAURA and LENA
Yes.
LENA
This is Kevin's first line everyone!
LAURA
This is really important guys.
DANIEL
Yes! Yes yes. (The Michaels and Bridgette laugh) And a hush fell over the room.
LENA
Mhm.
(a pause)
LAURA
SQUEAK!
(Everyone tries to not laugh)
