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OLFGA

Good. Soft humans and elf do exactly as Olfga planned. Spartak!

ORC BOY SPARTAK

Hm?

OLFGA

Follow them. Soon we pay final visit to Olfga's new friends!

NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

Theme music

SCENE 1. INT. DWARVEN MUSEUM.

SOUND: LARGE DOORS OPENING. A large open space, a tiled floor. Other people quietly talking.

GILBERT

Well, this certainly looks like a museum.

FAENDYR

BARD

What gave it away? Was it the GIANT sign saying "museum"?

GILBERT

I'm just trying to establish where we are in an audio format.

Slow, shuffling elderly FOOTSTEPS approach as:

OLD DWARF

Welcome to the Jade Reach National Museum of Magical and Arcane Arti--

COLIN

Hail and well met, friend!

PATRONS

Shhhhh!

COLIN

(quieter)

Hail and well met, friend.

OLD DWARF

Um. Hello child.

Before you enter, we humbly ask that you pay what you are able so we may keep our doors open for all scholars who come seeking knowledge.

COMPANIONS

Uhhh, well... *non committal noises*

COLIN

Do not worry, my friends! I shall pay for all of us. Here, my good sir. Take this!

OLD DWARF

And... what is this?

COLIN

It's my favorite leaf. Don't spend it all in one place.

OLD DWARF

... Are you here to get off the streets, or may I direct you to any particular exhibits?

CAMILLA

We've heard this museum is home to one of the Unholy Relics.

GILBERT

We're, um, grad students?

COLIN

I'm a full-grown gnome!

OLD DWARF

This museum is indeed home to one of the Demon Relics. It is the prize of our collection- the Consumer of Flesh. It is bound to the demon Uxellodunon, but we have been unable to verify that claim.

CAMILLA

Mm. Ah. Yes.

GILBERT

Mmhm.

BIANKA

Grad students, huh?

OLD DWARF

I can take you to it. But I must ask you to maintain a respectful distance from our artifacts.

GILBERT

Of course. Thank you, sir. We understand that you don't want visitors touching your exhibits.

OLD DWARF

No. Not all visitors. Just you and your compatriots.

BIANKA

Looks like the artifacts aren't the only antiques in this place.

OLD DWARF

Excuse me?

BIANKA

I was just saying what a wonderful collection of antiques in this place.

OLD DWARF

Wait a moment... I think I've seen your face before.

BIANKA

Me? Aw, that's highly unlikely.

OLD DWARF

You look very familiar.

BIANKA

That's not possible.

OLD DWARF

Please, wait here. I need to check something, uh, in the office.

The Old Dwarf slowly walks away as:

BIANKA

Okay, quick. We have three... no make that five minutes tops before he makes it back and realizes we're gone.

GILBERT

Why did he recognize you?

BIANKA

I have one of those faces.

You're here to steal this staff right? Or have I misread the entire vibe...?

CAMILLA

You're not... incorrect.

GILBERT

It's a little more complicated than that.

FAENDYR

It's really not though?

GILBERT

We're doing this for Rodney!

COLIN

Who's Rodney?

CAMILLA

He's a root.

GILBERT

He's not just a root!

BIANKA

Okay cool cool, I genuinely don't care about your motivation. We've got like four minutes now. Are we going to do this thing or what?

COLIN

Let's do it!

The companions RUN down the tiled hallway.

GILBERT

Sorry! Don't mind us... sorry... excuse me.

FAENDYR

Where are we going? There's like a million rooms in this place.

BIANKA

Maybe this one?

DOOR OPENING. A menacing GROWL. Quick DOOR CLOSE.

BIANKA

Nope.

GILBERT

What in the infernal plane was that and why keep it in a public museum??

BIANKA

Uh, maybe this hallway here?

FAENDYR

We can't run down every hallway in this place, that will take hours.

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

It's down the hall to the left.

CAMILLA

Did Brad tell you this?

COLIN

No, Brad has never been here, this is his cousin Kevin.

KEVIN

(squeaks)

COLIN

Kevin says hi.

GILBERT

There are a disconcerting amount of rats in this city.

KEVIN

(squeak)

COLIN

Kevin says this room here.

CONTINUOUS:

SCENE 2. MUSEUM ROOM.

There is a disconcerting magickal droning coming from the glass case holding the staff.

COLIN

Oooooooh.

BIANKA

Wow.

CAMILLA

Is that the staff? In that glass case?

FAENDYR

Sitting in the middle of a room with nothing else? It has to be.

COLIN

Well done, Kevin! Everyone thank Kevin.

GILBERT

Thanks, Kevin.

KEVIN

(squeak)

FAENDYR

Does anyone else feel... weird?

GILBERT

Yeah. There's something wrong with that staff.

CAMILLA

Well, it must be the one we want then. You don't name something the Consumer of Flesh if it gives you a nice, warm fuzzy feeling.

BIANKA

Trust me, this is it.

COLIN

What's those scratches there?

GILBERT

That's writing Colin. It's a plaque. Since we're in a museum it probably tells us what in the case.

COLIN

Oooh!

GILBERT

I'm not sure what it says though, I think it's in Dwarvish.

BIANKA

It says "Don't touch the glass"

COLIN

Oh.

CAMILLA

We need to focus. We only have so much time before someone wanders in.

FOOTSTEPS come in the room.

BIANKA

This room is closed.

PATRON

Oh. There isn't a sign...

BIANKA

We haven't put it up yet.

COLIN

We're stealing anything!

PATRON

Uh...

BIANKA

You need to leave.

PATRON

Um.

BIANKA

Now.

PATRON

Ah. Um... Okay...

He quickly leaves

CAMILLA

We need to speed this up.

GILBERT

How do we get it out of the case? Should we just break the glass?

FAENDYR

Ugh, that's so hit-and-run.

BIANKA

It probably wouldn't work anyway. I'd bet good coin the glass is magickally reinforced. Dwarves are all about practical applications of magick.

FAENDYR

Versus whom, exactly?

GILBERT

Hey Faendyr, couldn't you open the lock?

FAENDYR

I mean, technically I could. But I'd have to figure out what kind of lock it is, and if there is any magick involved with the lock itself, and that alone takes a while, and then I have to--

BIANKA

I got this.

Bianka picks the lock.

GILBERT

So... where did you learn to pick locks?

BIANKA

I had a rough childhood. Also it impresses girls, so.

GILBERT

I wouldn't know.

CAMILLA

As long as we get out of here without being arrested for theft, consider me impressed.

The lock opens and the glass door opens slightly. The magickal barrier disapates. 

BIANKA

That was easy.

CAMILLA

I must say, this is the first thing we've done that's actually gone well.

OLFGA

Hello soft humans and elf! Also new dwarf lady.

COLIN

Oh! Hello!

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

FAENDYR

Of course. Fantastic. Wonderful.

CAMILLA

Olfga!

OLFGA

And boys!

BIANKA

Friends of yours?

COLIN

Yes.

FAENDYR

No!

GILBERT

What are you doing here? You said we could go free.

OLFGA

Olfga did say this yes. Olfga hear that soft friends have own quest for Demon staff.

FAENDYR

Gil!

GILBERT

Sorry.

OLFGA

Olfga overhear tall elf muttering in sleep about quest for old strong magick objects.

FAENDYR

Jokes on you, elves don't sleep.

CAMILLA

Then what's your excuse?

OLFGA

Olfga and Boys also look for magick object for important client. Was- how you say- fortuitous.

GILBERT

Yes, actually. Perfect pronunciation.

CAMILLA

Gil.

GILBERT

Sorry.

OLFGA

Olfga not stupid. Olfga know even if dwarves let strong beautiful orcs in museum, Olfga and boys could not get through case without breaking glass and alerting museum workers. So, Olfga let soft stupid humans do hard work instead.

GILBERT

That's actually not a bad plan.

OLFGA

You give Olfga staff now.

CAMILLA

Or what?

OLFGA

Or you all die.

A dramatic beat, then:

CAMILLA

That's funny.

OLFGA

Olfga is very serious.

CAMILLA

No. I just realized that today is St. Goat's Day.

FAENDYR

Oh yeah!

GILBERT

It figures St. Goat's Day would be the day that I die...

SCENE 3. INT. THE CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.

A temp bard plays the hapsicord as courtiers mingle.

ALFRED

Willis!

CAT COLLAR BELL as Willis approaches.

ALFRED

There you are... What's that?

WILLIS

You told me to wear a cat's collar with a bell, sire. I obliged.

ALFRED

Well, I have changed my mind.

WILLIS

Very well, sire.

ALFRED

Do you know what day it is today?

WILLIS

Thorsday, sire.

ALFRED

You are partially correct. Today is St Goat's Day!

ABRUPT STOP to live music. A cheese platter falls to the floor. The courtiers moan.

WILLIS

Oh, no, sire.

ALFRED

Oh yes, sire!

WILLIS

Please, your majesty. I'd rather not.

ALFRED

Well too bad, Willis. Prepare the catapult! Or should I say goat-a-pult? (Transition) No, that's lame. Strike that, Willis. Prepare the catapult!

SCENE 4. INT. THE MUSEUM. EXHIBIT ROOM.

GILBERT

I'm sorry, but no. We won't give you the staff.

OLFGA

Olfga must have not heard correctly.

GILBERT

This quest of ours hasn't exactly gone as planned...

OLFGA

Thanks to Olfga and boys, yes?

GILBERT

I mean, I didn't say that--

CAMILLA

Gil!

GILBERT

My point is: We've actually accomplished something here, and you're not going to take that away from us.

OLFGA

Olfga will not ask again. Give Olfga staff. Now.

BARD

We will do no such thing!

OLFGA

Who is this?

BARD

I'm the Bard!

OLFGA

... Who?

BARD

The bard. I've been here the whole time.

OLFGA

Olfga thinks not.

BOYS

(agreement)

BARD

You imprisoned me along with everyone else!

OLFGA

Did Olfga do this?

BARD

Yes! That... boy over there held me in chains!

BOY

Eh.

BARD

I'm a member of this party!

GILBERT

Mm um it's not... mm.

CAMILLA

Not really.

FAENDYR

I feel like this is the first I'm seeing him?

BARD

None of you take me seriously as a character!

GILBERT

No, we do.

BARD

Then what's my name? Hm?

GIL, FAENDYR, CAMILLA

Uhhhh...?

BARD

Oh come on! I've been working at the castle for five years.

CAMILLA

I make it a point to not learn the names of the staff. It's a power move.

COLIN

Is your name Tiffany?

BARD

No! My name.... is not..... Tiffany!

COLIN

Are you sure?

BARD

Yes I'm sure!!!

I will no longer sit by and let the story happen around me. I'm moving it forward myself!

The Bard walks toward the case, and fully opens the door

GILBERT

What are you doing?

BARD

Obviously I'm taking the staff for myself! I have to say for a top-billed character you are pretty dense.

BIANKA

Wait! Don't touch it--

As the bard touches the staff, strange wisperings errupt. His scream echoes and falls away as the staff hits the ground

FAENDYR

Um?

GILBERT

Ugh!

CAMILLA

My gods! Did it just eat him??

OLFGA

What happened to annoying human?

FAENDYR

I mean no loss, but jeez. 

BIANKA

Quick, grab the staff, but don't let it touch your skin.

FAENDYR

I have my opera gloves here---

CAMILLA

You brought opera gloves?!

FAENDYR

You didn't?

BIANKA

Careful!

FAENDYR

Got it!

As he picks it up, the strange droning stops.

Woah, this thing has some crazy powerful magick, that's for sure.

OLFGA

Stop tall elf! Give Olfga bard-eating staff or--

SOUND: Gil DRAWS HIS SWORD

GIL

Or what?

FAENDYR

Hey, orcs- catch this:

Incende!

A FIREBALL ERUPTS. The sound of FIRE continues. 

FAENDYR

Nice! That is the biggest fireball I've ever cast! Daddy like.

COLIN

Is that orc supposed to be on fire?

ORC BOY

*screaming*

FAENDYR

Uh, yeah.

COLIN

What about the rug?

FAENDYR

Uh oh...

Fire whoosh as the tapestries go up in flames.

COLIN

And the tapestries?

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

FAENDYR

Uhhhh... oopsey poopsey.

CAMILLA

We need to get out of here, now!

COLIN

Kevin told me there are tunnels big enough for us to fit through!

BIANKA

He's right. There are maintenance tunnels for the elevators that lead out to the surface. There's one out the back. Come on!

RUNNING, OLFGA AND BOYS YELLING AFTER THEM

GILBERT

How do you know all of this? You said you'd never been to this city before.

BIANKA

Did I?

OLD DWARF

Wait! Stop!

FAENDYR

Yeah, my bad!

OLD DWARF

And no running in the museum!

GILBERT Sorry!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING

BIANKA

Through here!

OLD DWARF

That area is not for patrons!

BIANKA

Let's go let's go let's go...!

COLIN

Bye bye Mr Dwarf!

OLD DWARF

Sto---

Bianks slams the door. They are now inside of the maintiance tunnels. 

BIANKA

These tunnels were made for dwarves so you might might wanna--

SOUND: FAENDYR'S HEAD HITTING METAL

FAENDYR

Ow! Gods!

CAMILLA

Careful!

GILBERT

Are you alright?

FAENDYR

No!

BIANKA

Sorry, I thought that would have been a given. We take this turn up here.

SCENE 5. EXT. KIRKLAND'S BORDER WITH WESTLAND.

A field. A trumpet singles the begining of the festivies. Courtiers chatter.

KING ALFRED

Welcome to the royal court's St. Goat's Day celebration, here at the border with Westland and in sight of Jeffrey's stupid castle! Thank you for joining us for this, our fifth annual goat-toss.

Hit it, Willis.

WILLIS

Very well, sire.

A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air.

KING ALFRED

Oooh! Look at him go! Beautiful.

SOUND: The goat lands far away. It bleats (it's fine).

QUINTON

(far away)

Excuse me? Excuse me!

KING ALFRED

Ah! Hullo, Quinton! Fancy seeing you here!

Willis, launch another one.

A CATAPULT launches. A GOAT bleats as it flies through the air. Coutiers appricate its flight. 

QUINTON

(closer)

It's Lord Quinton now. His majesty Jeffrey was kind enough to give me a ti-- Oh my!

SOUND: Goat lands.

QUINTON

That goat almost killed me!

WILLIS

If only I were so fortunate.

KING ALFRED

Jeffrey gave you a title?! Whatever for?

QUINTON

(now here)

You can't throw goats into our country.

KING ALFRED

But I just did.

QUINTON

I don't mean you physically aren't able to. You aren't allowed.

KING ALFRED

Says who?

QUINTON

King Jeffrey.

WILLIS

Here we go.

QUINTON

Oh. Oh dear.

KING ALFRED

King Jeffrey! King Jeffrey dares to infringe upon my religious freedom?!

QUINTON

With all due respect, King Alfred, St. Goat's Day is not a religious holiday.

KING ALFRED

It is in Kirkland!!!

WILLIS

St. Goat's day honors the day that the founders of our countries, Lords Kirk and West respectively, argued over a magical goat, leading to their irreparable separation and our two nations.

QUINTON

I know what St. Goat's Day is! The issue is the goats are landing in Westland, which presents a bit of a problem for us.

KING ALFRED

That's the whole point! Willis?

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING.

QUINTON

That aside, it isn't very kind to the goats involved.

KING ALFRED

They're fine. They're wearing helmets.

WILLIS

And padding, sire.

KING ALFRED

Yes, as my man said, and padding.

QUINTON

You're still launching them out of a catapult. It must be a very jarring experience.

WILLIS

I am told they enjoy it.

KING ALFRED

And now they get to live in your "wonderful" country. How lucky them for them.

QUINTON

Please, King Alfred. We do this every year.

KING ALFRED

That's because it's an annual tradition.

QUINTON

I'm begging you.

KING ALFRED

Oh ho! A Westlander begging a boon of Kirkland! Mark this day, Willis!

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

KING ALFRED

I will only stop if King Jeffrey asks me to.

QUINTON

Oh he does! Very much so.

KING ALFRED

No no, I mean here. Himself. In person. Maybe if he could get down on his knees a little, too.

QUINTON

King Jeffrey is attending to vital matters of state.

KING ALFRED

Oh boo hoo. Willis?

SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT. CLAPPING.

KING ALFRED

I'm not stopping our revelries until King Jeffrey himself comes here.

QUINTON

You'll be waiting a long time.

KING ALFRED

(deadly serious)

I've got a lot of goats.

A goat lands. Bleats.

SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE OF SUNKEN KINGDOM.

SOUND: A metal HATCH OPENS near a stream in Northern Kirkland.

COMPANIONS

(gasping for breath)

GILBERT

Oh gods, I don't think I've done that much running since the Chicken Affair.

COLIN

That was so much fun! I love fleeing for our lives, can we do it again?

CAMILLA

Gods, I hope not.

FAENDYR

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna lie down for a sec--

SOUND: Faendyr COLLAPSES

GILBERT

Are you alright, Faendyr?

FAENDYR

Oh yeah. I mean I have a concussion and I just ran, like, a mile. I'm fine.

(vomits)

CAMILLA

Ugh. Disgusting.

BIANKA

What's going on here, anyway? What are you doing?

FAENDYR

Well, currently, I'm dying...

BIANKA

You're not exactly the typical people who steal infamous magical objects. No offence, but you guys seem really in over your heads.

COLIN

I'm not in over my head, I'm tall for my age!

BIANKA

Pfft. You're, what? Six, seven? Maybe like a hundred years ago, kid.

GILBERT

He's actually one hundred and seven. More or less.

COLIN

I was kidnapped by faeries!

BIANKA

That explains a lot actually. But that doesn't explain what a princess, a fancy elf, and a knight with a stick are doing stealing one of the Unholy Relics.

GILBERT

This isn't a stick. It's a root. I mean, it's not a root. It's my friend. Rodney.

BIANKA

Okay...?

FAENDYR

Sir Rodney was turned into a root by a witch.

COLIN

Um... excuse me?

FAENDYR

Not now, kid, grown-ups are talking.

CAMILLA

We're actually on a quest to find a unicorn for my father's zoological gardens.

BIANKA

Unicorns are an endangered species and there are international laws banning their capture and captivity.

CAMILLA

My father is an idiot.

BIANKA

But what were you doing in Jade Reach? Last I checked unicorns aren't burrowing creatures.

COLIN

May I say something?

GILBERT

We're also collecting some of the Relics so the witch can turn Sir Rodney back.

BIANKA

Oh. That makes sense. The Lauright Rule and all that.

FAENDYR

The what?

BIANKA

The Lauright Rule? To undo a spell, you need a stronger magic than what was used to make it?

FAENDYR

I knew what it was, I just didn't think you did.

CAMILLA

Bianka, how do you know that? Magical theory isn't exactly common knowledge.

BIANKA

By way of explanation, allow me to make a proposal. This may surprise you, but I'm a professional thief.

GILBERT

(sarcastic)

Noooo!

BIANKA

I know, it's a lot to take in. My specialty is finding and stealing arcane objects for collectors- mostly from other collectors. You know the type- nobles with more money than brains.

CAMILLA

The most common type.

BIANKA

I also happen to know where many of the remaining Relics are located.

GILBERT

And how do you know this?

BIANKA

Word gets around in my business. And I just happen to be looking for some. Business, I mean.

CAMILLA

What are your terms?

BIANKA

Just an equal share of whatever reward you're receiving.

GILBERT

Those are certainly fair terms, and Bianka has been very helpful so far. I say she joins the Companions.

FAENDYR

I'll probably be dead in like five minutes, so whatever, cool.

BIANKA

Whaddya say, Princess?

CAMILLA

Frankly, we need whatever assistance we are able to find.

BIANKA

So you don't mind that I steal stuff for a living?

CAMILLA

While I may not personally endorse what you do, I am not one to look a gift gryphon in the beak.

COLIN

MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION?

Welcome to the Companions of the Root, Bianka.

BIANKA

Aw, you have a group name. Love it.

GILBERT

Well, now we just need to track down that ring and a unicorn.

COLIN

EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!

EVERYONE

(surprised noises)

COLIN

I apologize, but it is important.

GILBERT

What is it Colin?

COLIN

Look...!

SOUND: MAGICAL SPARKLY NOISES. HORSE WHINNY.

CAMILLA

Is that?

GILBERT

It can't be.

FAENDYR

Oh gods, I'm hallucinating. I see a unicorn!

BIANKA

Woah.

BARD (NARRATOR V/O)

It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions--

COMPANIONS

(shocked noises)

FAENDYR

Now I'm hearing the Bard! Ohmygods, am I dead too?!

COLIN

Are you hiding? Oooh! Are we playing hide and seek? I'll hide!

GILBERT

No, Colin.

SOUND: Colin RUNS AWAY.

COLIN

Too late, come find me!

CAMILLA

We thought you were dead!

BARD

I am, in fact, dead. Thanks. My physical form was completely torn asunder. It was incredibly traumatic, glad you brought it up. But death has only made me fully omniscient and omnipotent.

It's a Saint Goat's Day miracle.

GILBERT

Don't take Saint Goat's name in vain.

BARD

I'm trying to wrap up this episode. Can I-- do you mind?

CAMILLA

Yes.

BARD

It appears that something is finally going right for the Companions. What could they possibly do to screw this one up? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! ... Mortals

END CREDITS

(Lena)

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Bridgette Saverine, Yasmin Tuazon, Stacey Kruml, Bill Hurlbut, Andrew Quilpa, Tom Howley, and Laura Zheng. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish

SCENE 7. EXT. AFTER CREDITS. BORDER WITH WESTLAND.

Twilight. A large amount of goats bleating in the distance.

SOUND: CATAPULT. GOAT.

WILLIS

That was the last goat, sire.

KING ALFRED

Jeffrey didn't come, Willis.

WILLIS

And the courtiers have all gone home.

KING ALFRED

He never comes. Was it something I said?

WILLIS

Perhaps it was the goats, sire.

KING ALFRED

No, that can't be it.

WILLIS

Of course not, sire. Who could object to having goats thrown at them?

KING ALFRED

We have to do something bigger next year to get his attention. Maybe cows?

WILLIS

Perhaps, sire. Shall we go home?

KING ALFRED

Yes. But Willis- collect my goats first.

WILLIS

The goats, sire?

KING ALFRED

Jeffrey doesn't deserve to keep them.

WILLIS

I--

(sigh)

Very well sire.

BLOOPER

LAURA

Just... alright.

MICHAEL

This isn't Brad?

LAURA

(cross talk)

No.

LENA

(cross talk)

Oh you're right, this is Brad. 

LAURA

No.

LENA

No! This is Kevin! 

MICHAEL

No this is Kevin! This is our introduction to Kevin. 

LAURA and LENA

Yes.

LENA

This is Kevin's first line everyone!

LAURA

This is really important guys. 

DANIEL

Yes! Yes yes. (The Michaels and Bridgette laugh) And a hush fell over the room.

LENA

Mhm.

(a pause)

LAURA

SQUEAK!

(Everyone tries to not laugh)

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