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INTRODUCTION

SFX: A tape is inserted into a deck. The play button is pressed. 

BARD (NARRATOR)

Welcome, dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

MUSIC: Theme

SCENE 1. INT. KING ALFRED'S THRONE ROOM

A door opens to our right, and footsteps approach, as the Bard plucks at a lute.

BARD

The somewhat heroic and moderately dashing knight, Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard, third best of the kingdom of Kirkland, approaches the throne of his majestic king, Alfred, and the smaller and only slightly less impressive throne of the Crown Princess Camilla. As always, the King's trusty steward Willis awaits his word. Gilbert approaches the dais, while the most talented bard in all of the land--

GILBERT

Um, Bard? I'm-- I'm sorry.

The Bard stops playing, and clears his throat in an annoyed manner. 

GILBERT

Sorry. But I don't need you describing what's going on around me. I can see it for myself.

BARD

(after a pause)

Fine. You find some clever way of dealing with the constraints of the medium, then.

GILBERT

Sorry.

BARD

(it's not)

No, fine, whatever.

Gilbert's FOOTSTEPS continue.  Getting louder as 'Gilbert gets closer:

CAMILLA

I shall do no such thing.

KING ALFRED

You will. I told you to.

CAMILLA

I shan't marry Lord Peerless! You can't make me.

KING ALFRED

Yes I can! I'm the king!

CAMILLA

No, you can't!

Gilbert's footsteps have stopped.

KING ALFRED

I can too! --

WILLIS

Ah hem. The knight is here, sire.

Sir Gil-bert! What brings you to my throne room?

CAMILLA

You summoned him, father.

KING ALFRED

Willis, is that true?

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

KING ALFRED

Sir Gil-bert! Did I summon you? Willis keeps track of all of my to-dos... he hasn't made a mistake yet, but there is a first time for everything.

GILBERT

Yes, you did.

WILLIS

(under his breath)

Told you so, sire.

GILBERT

Apologies, your majesty, but my name is "Gil-BEAR."

KING ALFRED

Are you sure?  Because it's spelled "Gil-BERT".

CAMILLA

It's pronounced however Sir Gilbert says it is. It's his name.

WILLIS

His majesty is always correct.

CAMILLA

Oh please.

GILBERT

Gil-bert is fine. I'm sorry for the bother.

KING ALFRED

(doubtfully)

No, no, if you insist...

GILBERT

Thank you, sire.

KING ALFRED

Make a note of that, Willis!

WILLIS

I already have, your majesty.

CAMILLA

Father, Sir Gilbert needs to be told why you have summoned him.

KING ALFRED

Oh! Yes! Sir Gilbert, you are aware of our eastern neighbors, the Westlanders?

WILLIS

Their thriving economy, competitive tax rate and high standard of living are the envy of the southern continent of Ilsylian

KING ALFRED

Pfffft! As if bathing once a year and an average lifespan of 40 is something to crow about!

WILLIS

If those filthy peasants would stop dying we'd have the same numbers.

GILBERT

With all due respect, sire, I don't need an expository dialogue about your twenty-year petty feud with King Jeffrey of Westland.

KING ALFRED

Not even about the chickens?

GILBERT

I was involved in The Chicken Affair, sire, along with Sir Rodney.

KING ALFRED

Dear Sir Rodney.

WILLIS

Terribly unfortunate.

CAMILLA

Such a tragedy.

KING ALFRED

I know you two were close, Sir Gilbert. This must be very difficult for you.

GILBERT

I have no idea what you are talking about.

KING ALFRED

(he sighs)

Oh dear. I hate to be the bearer of bad news... Perhaps it's best to just show you. Willis?

WILLIS

Bring out Sir Rodney!

Scampering as young servant bearing Sir Rodney arrives.

SERVANT BOY

Sir Rodney as you required, your majesty.

GILBERT

Wha.....?!

KING ALFRED

No no don't hand him to me I don't want to touch him--

GILBERT

What happened?!

KING ALFRED

Just... put him down right there. Yes, in that chair, Billy.

SERVANT BOY

My name is Michael, sire.

KING ALFRED

Are you sure that's your name?

GILBERT

Why is he....? What is he??

KING ALFRED

Billy is a servant.

GILBERT

NO! RODNEY!

KING ALFRED

Oh! He's a root.

GILBERT

Wha...?

WILLIS

A rather small one.

CAMILLA

More of a stick, really.

SERVANT BOY

My mother named me after my father. He died during the Chicken Affair. It's all I have of his.

KING ALFRED

Nononono, change it to Billy. You look more like a Billy.

SERVANT BOY

Y-yes, sire.

KING ALFRED

Please leave now, Billy. The sight of you makes me keenly aware of my privilege, and it's making me uncomfortable.

Michael, er, Billy, scampers away.

GILBERT

How... are you sure it's him?

KING ALFRED

Obviously! See? He's wearing a little tunic with his coat of arms on it.

WILLIS

A tree with exposed roots on a field of gold.

GILBERT

Is he... well, is he in there, or is he... dead?

KING ALFRED

Dead! Of course he's not dead.

CAMILLA

He's probably dead.

WILLIS

To answer your question, Sir Gilbert, we are not entirely sure. The King harbors a hope that Sir Rodney may be returned to his pre-tuber state.

GILBERT

How exactly?

WILLIS

That's your plot line sir, not mine. You have to figure it out for yourself.

GILBERT

(frustrated sigh, then:)

May I ask how... it happened?

KING ALFRED

That witch, Gwendolyn.

GILBERT

.... What does this have to do with Westland?

CAMILLA

Sir Rodney was embarking on a "vital" mission when he met his unfortunate end.

WILLIS

King Jeffry's latest effrontery is building a zoological garden to house magical creatures.

KING ALFRED

I cannot let it stand!

GILBERT

You want me to tear down his zoo?

KING ALFRED

Of course not, that is completely ridiculous. I am building my own zoological gardens and they will be better than anything Jeffrey could possibly come up with in his wildest dreams! My zoo... shall house... a unicorn!

SFX: Angelic choir

GILBERT

.... A unicorn?

WILLIS

Are you unfamiliar with the most magical and rare of creatures?

CAMILLA

Father, this scene is running long. Tell Sir Gilbert what it is you wish him to do.

GILBERT

Please.

KING ALFRED

Oh, fine. Willis?

Willis slowly turns a page

WILLIS

Fortune has smiled upon you, Sir Gilbert. As the third best and currently only unoccupied knight in the kingdom, you have been chosen by your king to complete the perilous and dangerous quest begun by Sir Rodney... The Quest for the Unicorn.

SFX: Angelic choir again

GILBERT

Unicorns are a critically endangered species. There are international laws banning their capture or captivity.

KING ALFRED

I'm not sure what the problem is. But wait! There's more.

WILLIS

You shall not undertake this perilous quest alone--

CAMILLA

I shall accompany you.

GILBERT, KING ALFRED & WILLIS

What?

CAMILLA

I shall accompany him.

KING ALFRED

I heard you the first time. The "what" was rhetorical.

GILBERT

Your Highness- no disrespect, but I work best alone.

MUSIC: The Bard begins to play

BARD

(singing:)

Sir Gilbert of the Wyvernguards, The family known for warriors!

Sir Gilbert of the Wyvernguards,

He has a tragic backstory....

(beat)

er*! (*pronounced "backstorier" to rhyme with "warriors")

GILBERT

No I don't!

BARD

I'm trying to make you more interesting. You're making it very difficult.

KING ALFRED

Camilla, you must stay here and prepare for your wedding to Lord Peerless.

CAMILLA

As I am not marrying him, I have nothing to prepare for.

KING ALFRED

You are often headstrong and stubborn--

CAMILLA

That's redundant--

KING ALFRED

AND DISRESPECTFUL to me as both your father and your king. And as both your father AND your king, I say a perilous quest is no place for my only child and heir.

CAMILLA

But Father--

KING ALFRED

THE KING HAS SPOKEN.

Willis begins writing

Did you write that down, Willis?

WILLIS

Of course, sire.

A door from within the castle is thrown open, followed by someone running in silk robes. 

KING ALFRED

Ah! Master Faendyr. There you are!

FAENDYR

(panting)

Oh gods. I am out of shape. Phew! These robes look amazing, but gods are they heavy.

(deep breath)

Am I late?

CAMILLA & WILLIS

Yes.

GILBERT

No!

GILBERT

You'll be coming with me?

FAENDYR

Just the two of us.

GILBERT

Wonderful!

CAMILLA

I thought you preferred to work alone?

GILBERT

No no, I didn't say that.

MUSIC: The Bard plays again

BARD

(singing)

Faendyr Lwellenar, Lwellenar- that's Elvish! He's the handsome, well-dressed Elven-mage, that's because he's Elvish

CAMILLA

Not now.

FAENDYR

Oh let him, I like this one.

BARD

Lwellenar, Lwellenar, Lwellenar, that's Elvish!

KING ALFRED

As my official court mage, Master Faendyr has a very deep and profound knowledge of all of the arcane arts, stemming from his centuries of study at the Mages' College in the Elven Imperium.

FAENDYR

It is the finest institution of higher magical learning in all of Ilsylian.

KING ALFRED

As such, I thought he would be helpful to you in your quest.

GILBERT

That's wonderful, yes, I'm sure he'll be very helpful.

FAENDYR

Despite my centuries of practicing the magical arts, I've never seen a unicorn myself. They are incredibly rare- on the verge of extinction actually- but my tedious and complicated study of arcane texts revealed to me that they can be found near entrances to the Fairielands. Of course, there are no physical entrances to the Fairielands. It's a different plane of existence. We can only find these entrances through magic.

GILBERT

And that's where you come in?

FAENDYR

Ha, no! No. Fairies are fickle bastards and I personally try to have as little to do with them as possible. Our first stop- unfortunately- will be to contact the witch Gwendolyn for her assistance. She has no problem sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. She lives in the village of Fools Haven, so she's not far.

GILBERT

But she's the one who turned Rodney into a root.

FAENDYR

Magic's like that sometimes, Gil. Gotta do what you gotta do. Well, shall we?

KING ALFRED

Don't forget Sir Rodney!

GILBERT

Uh...

KING ALFRED

The royal tailor has made you a little sling he fits in... just slip that over your head... there you go.

Gilbert slips on the baby carrier, I mean, root holster

BARD

Oh that is.... adorable.

KING ALFRED

You shall be... The Companions of the Root!

SCENE 2. TRANSITION

The Bard plays his lute. It's late afternoon in the countryside. We hear insects buzzing and chirping, and a rooster off in the distance. 

BARD

And they were off on the start of a new adventure! Our hero, Sir Rodney, leads his three companions: the devastatingly handsome Elven mage Faendyr, the fairly average looks-wise human, Sir Gilbert, and the most talented and tragically underappreciated bard in all the land. The four leave the capital of Kirkland and journey south-west towards the quaint village of Fools Haven. What perils will they encounter on their Quest for the Unicorn?

GILBERT

I'm sorry, could you--

The Bard stops playing

Would you mind not narrating what we're doing?

FAENDYR

It's really annoying.

We realize they are standing outside of a tavern. A livley jig plays inside.

BARD

(a quiet sigh. Then:)

After an easy day of travel, they stop at an unremarkable tavern. Thrilling.

Gilbert opens the creaky, wooden door. We are now inside the tavern and it's 

SCENE 3. INT. TAVERN.

We hear the music louder now, and happy tavern patrons socalizing after a hard days' work. They cheer, throw dice, clink tankards, and call for more ale. 

FAENDYR

You can't sit with us.

BARD

I don't want to sit with you anyway.

BARKEEP

Hail and well met friends! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!

GILBERT

Well met, friend.

BARKEEP

Forgive my boldness sirs, but you look as if you hail from the capital. What brings you to Fools Haven?

FAENDYR

Greetings, mortal. My companion and I --

BARD

CompanionS--

FAENDYR

(verbal expression of an eyeroll)

Whatever.

BARD

Sss! Sssss!

FAENDYR

We're looking for your village witch, Gwendolyn.

BARKEEP

(spits)

FAENDYR

Um. Ew.

BARKEEP

No offense meant good sirs, but no one goes looking for that half-elf harpy unless they mean trouble.

FAENDYR

Do you have a problem with elves?

BARKEEP

Oh! No, sir! But it is a bit problematic with her being a witch an' all.

GILBERT

What's your trouble with her?

BARKEEP

I have no trouble with her- knock on wood! We here in this village do our best to keep our distance from her. She seems harmless, but mark my words, no good comes from dealing with witches.

GILBERT

Unfortunately we haven't much of a choice. We need an entrance to the Fairielands.

FAENDYR

Royal business.

BARKEEP

The Fairielands! You gentlemen must have a death wish!  There was a knight who came through here a fortnight ago. He went looking for that witch and never returned.

GILBERT

Sir Rodney?

BARKEEP

I didn't get his name. Pardon me asking, sir knight, but why do you have a stick in a holster around your neck?

GILBERT

Um...

FAENDYR

(casually)

That's what's left of Sir Rodney.

BARKEEP

Gods preserve us!

FAENDYR

As you can see, mortal, we are very serious and deadly types. If you don't tell us what we wish to know, I shall have to use my considerable and terrible arcane powers to pry this knowledge from your very mind.

Faendyr has started to fire up a spell

BARKEEP

Oh nononono, there's no need for that! You'll find her hut not two miles outside the village, following the river. But there isn't much sunlight left in the day, my lords, and I don't recommend visiting her in the dark of night. May I humbly suggest you sojourn from your quest here? I have a new barmaid who can show you to your room. I'll warn you, she's not very good. But beggars can't be choosers.

A woman's footsteps approach on the wooden floor

CAMILLA

Hail and well met friends.

BARD

Nice.

FAENDYR

Oh for the gods' sakes.

GILBERT

What are you doing here?!

BARKEEP

You know these men?

CAMILLA

I've never seen them before in my life until right now, here in this... drinking establishment.

FAENDYR

Tavern.

CAMILLA

I drink here every night (she pours some ale into a tankard)  Mmmm. I love this... brown foul smelling beverage all the commoners love.

FAENDYR

Then what's your name, wench?

GILBERT

Faendyr...!

FAENDYR

What? A common tavern maid would not object to being called a wench.

CAMILLA

(through gritted teeth)

And I do not object. Because I am but a common girl.

CUSTOMER

Excuse me, miss? Can I get some more beer?

CAMILLA

Get it yourself, you lazy oaf. I'm busy!

BARD

Nice.

CUSTOMER

Oh.

FAENDYR

Stop stalling. What's your name?

CAMILLA

... Alfred.

GILBERT

Alfred?

CAMILLA

Yes. It's Elvish.

FAENDYR

Mm. It's not.

BARD

(chuckles)

Nice.

CAMILLA

It's an old family name.

GILBERT

Oh for-- your highness!

BARKEEP

I don't understand. What's goin' on?

BARD

Do you have a gold sovereign?

CAMILLA.

Oh fungus.

BARKEEP

Well yes, but...

BARD

Look at it.

The Barkeep gets a coin.

BARKEEP

Oh! Why, it looks just like her! What a strange coincidence.

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

CAMILLA

Yes. Fine. It's me. Well done.

BARKEEP

I can't believe I hired her highness as a barmaid! I thought she was but a peasant girl!

GILBERT

Her expensive gown wasn't a giveaway?

BARKEEP

I'm not a very clever man.

FAENDYR

How did you get here without anyone noticing?

GILBERT

And in that clothing! Shouldn't you have worn something less conspicuous?

CAMILLA

Just because I'm going adventuring doesn't mean I can't look stunning whilst I'm doing it.

FAENDYR

Right on. 

CAMILLA

There was a delivery cart returning to Fools Haven that left the kitchens shortly after you. I simply hid myself in the cart.

GILBERT

But you got here before us.

CAMILLA

You walk very slowly.

FAENDYR

Fantastic. Now we have to drag Little Miss Adventure back to her father.

CAMILLA

That's Little Miss Princess Adventure to you. And don't you dare!

GILBERT

I'm sorry, your highness, but I have no choice.

CAMILLA

As the crown princess I command you to allow me to accompany you.

GILBERT

But the King--

CAMILLA

Never gave an order prohibiting you from accepting my company.

GILBERT

Well, technically that's correct, but his intention was pretty clear.

FAENDYR

You can't--

CAMILLA

I can and I will. Listen: I love my father, I really do. But I cannot deny that he is an out of touch and ineffectual ruler. He has barely set foot outside of our castle walls in ten years. If I wanted to be anything, it's an effective and powerful Queen, and I can't become that if I don't know what more than a square mile of my kingdom looks like. So, I will be accompanying you on this quest.

GILBERT

I... I mean... We shouldn't... Faendyr, say something!

FAENDYR

Fine.

CAMILLA

Fine...?

FAENDYR

Fine, your highness.

CAMILLA

Lovely. We're going to find a witch and kidnap a unicorn. How dangerous could it be?

Oh... barkeep? I quit.

BARKEEP

Oh, thank the gods.

MUSIC: A lively transition

SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLYN'S HUT

A forest at night. Crickets chrip. An owl hoots. A quiet river runs. 

FAENDYR

Well. I'm no ranger, but we've followed the river for almost two miles... and here's a creepy hut. Fantastic.

GILBERT

Do we... do we just knock or...?

SFX: A classic horror string stinger, as a wooden door slowly creaks open.... and......

GWENDOLYN

Hiya!

FAENDYR, GIL, CAMILLA, BARD

(scream)

GWENDOLYN

Sorry! Didn't mean to startle you! I just thought I heard voices out here and, boop! There you are!

CAMILLA

Are you the witch Gwendolyn?

GWENDOLYN

Of course, silly bean! Who else would live in a hut in the middle of the forest? A tailor?

(laughs at her own joke, then abruptly:)

Well, where are my manners, come on in! Ooop, watch your head there, tall boy.

Faendyr hits his head with a thump on wood. 

FAENDYR

Ow!



CONTINUOUS:

SCENE 5. INT. GWENDOLY'N'S HUT.

It's not what you might expect. It's cozy. A fire crackles in the corner, budgies chirp in their cage, and crystals strung from the ceiling clink together pleasantly 

GWENDOLYN

Told you so.

She closes the door.

Would you like some tea? ... Nope, better not it might be poisoned. I'm kidding! I'm kidding! ... But it might be though, better not. What can I do ya for?

GILBERT

Well, um, ma'am. Two things. First thing is you seem to have turned our friend Rodney into a root.

GWENDOLYN

Ohhh did I?

GILBERT

Yes, ma'am you did.

GWENDOLYN

Mmmmm. I just don't remember. But, to be fair that does sound like something I would do.

GILBERT

This is him right here.

GWENDOLYN

Oh! That lil stick man you have in that sweet lil' baby carrier around your neck? I was wondering what that was about.

FAENDYR

Yeah, well, that's him.

GWENDOLYN

Ooooooh! Yes! Sorry about that. You know, you get hungry, you get cranky, a knight comes and bangs on your door, and poof! He's a root!

GILBERT

Yes, he did like to bang.

GWENDOLYN

Sorry to say, but there's nothing I can do.

FAENDYR

So that's it, he's just a root forever?

GWENDOLYN

Mm. Yep.

GILBERT

You can't do anything? Anything at all?

GWENDOLYN

Mm. Nope. Now was there something else, or...?

CAMILLA

Yes. We need admittance to the Fairielands.

GWENDOLYN

Oh, sillies! You don't want to go there! Fairies will make masks out of your face flesh and eat you for dinner. Y ou especially tall boy. You have such nice skin.

FAENDYR

Thanks?

BARD

It is very soft.

FAENDYR

Shut! up!

CAMILLA

We accept the risk to Faendyr's skin. We need a unicorn.

GWENDOLYN

Well, I'm afraid I can't-- wait, a unicorn?

CAMILLA

Yes.

GWENDOLYN

I need-- oh hold on just a moment--

Drawers opening, closing, items hitting the floor, paper shuffling, etc, as Gwendolyn is rifling around

GWENDOLYN

Where did I-- it's always in the last place you'd think to look-- Ah!

She drops a book on the table and quickly flips through it.

GWENDOLYN

Ah ha!

(manic laughter, then:)

Ah hem. Well, lady and gentlemen, I might just be able to help you after all. A little, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," if you will.

FAENDYR

What are your terms, witch?

GWENDOLYN

You tall, magic-elf-types are so stuck up, aren't you?  I may have not been entirely truthful when I said there was nothing I could do for your friend Roger.

GILBERT

Rodney.

GWENDOLYN

Tomato, tomahto. There is a way that I could transform him back into whatever he was before that, but I need your help. That is, if you do want to help him.

FAENDYR

Ttechnically we weren't really friends...

CAMILLA

I suppose...

BARD

I mean... eh?

GILBERT

Yes! Yes, we do want to help him.

GWENDOLYN

May we all have such stalwart friends. Anywhosel! There is a spell that I can do, but I need three objects. They're nothing really, but you know how magic is.

FAENDYR

Yes, the arcane arts are my specialty.

GWENDOLYN

Then you already know about the Unholies.

SFX: A dramatic beat

FAENDYR

Of course I do. but I doubt my companions do and I'd like to hear how you explain them.

CAMILLA

The Unholies more commonly known as the Demon Relics, are magickal objects used by the great magi of old to enhance their own innate powers. Well, I say innate, but only Elves, and those decsended from Elves are born with the ablility to use magick.  Anyone else has to make a compact with a demon, of course. 

FAENDYR

How do you know this?

CAMILLA

I can read. And I don't have to work for a living so I have a lot of time on my hands.

GWENDOLYN

Of course, any time you mix demons and power, messy things start happening.

Her voice begins to distort, and we hear the echo of a terrible battle of old 

There was a big war, terrible bloodshed, almost brought down the Elven Imperium blah blah blah blah. Long story short, many of the Relics were destroyed, others were locked up, and some simply went missing. Over time, stupid humans and elves forgot what they were, and now they're just pretty objects sittin' around gathering dust. 

GILBERT

So... what are we doing?

GWENDOLYN

Keep up, silly! I need you to bring me two of them. Specifically, the Consumer of Flesh and the Hungering Band.

Her voice again distorts as she names the Relics. Probably doesn't mean anything, right?

GILBERT

They sound... pleasant.

GWENDOLYN

You'll know them when you see them, trust me. I also need some unicorn hair. You already need the unicorn, you just have to grab me those two lil' things. And then presto-chango, you don't have to carry Rupert around like an idiot for the rest of your natural life.

CAMILLA

But why do you need them?

FAENDYR

In order to undo a permanent spell, you need a stronger form of magick than what was originally used. It doesn't get more powerful than demon-fueled relics.

GWENDOLYN

Just like the tall boy said. Well, whatchya thinkin'?

CAMILLA

I say we accpet! Finding cursed, legendary objects and a mythical beast? That's a real quest right there, not just some silly errand for my father.

FAENDYR

Well, her highness has spoken so I guess that's that.

GWENDOLYN

Wonderful! If you would all do me a favor and just-- You know I just got a little contract here for you to sign right here. Just to make things official.

She unfurls a parchment

GILBERT

Little? It's four feet long!

GWENDOLYN

Oh, it's all legalese! I just like to keep things on the up-and-up, you know?Just sign right here in blood-- heh, no I'm kidding.

Faendyr, Gil and Camilla sign

GWENDOLYN

(deep, strange voice)

The compact is sealed.

GILBERT

Um?

She collects the paper.

GWENDOLYN

Great! You all just signed away the soul of your first-born child! Hehe, ya know, just a little joke we witches like to make.

... But seriously though, you might not want to have children.

Alrighty, buh bye!

She opens the door to shoo them out

CAMILLA

Wait! What about the Fairielands?

FAENDYR

What about the Relics? We don't know where to start!

GWENDOLYN

Ooops, silly me! Just head to Rippling Brook, and it will all work itself out from there. Oh! And if you've been happy with your service today, please leave me a five-star review, it really helps me out.  BUH BYE.

She slams the door.

CONTINUOUS:

SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLY'N'S HUT

Same exterior ambiance from before.

BARD

(as he strums a chord)

Our heroes--

COMPANIONS

(startled noises)

GILBERT

Oh gods, were you there the whole time?

BARD

Yes!

FAENDYR

Oh my gods, I completely forgot about him! Scared me, lil fella. 

BARD

... That makes me feel really good, thanks.

(Back to his narrator voice and his lute)

Our heroes, slightly discomforted by their encounter with the chipper witch, make their way along the perilous road to Rippling Brook!

CAMILLA

Perilous?

Abrupt stop to the lute

BARD

I'm trying to paint a mind-picture with my words. I thought that would be more interesting than telling everyone you had a completely non-eventful and frankly not worth mentioning journey after you camped for the night...

(Narrator voice:)

And arrived the charming little village of Rippling Brook the next afternoon!

SCENE 7. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.

Pleasant lute music. Birds chirp, farm animals laze around, a river. A nice little village.

CAMILLA

Out of my way, out of my way, coming through...!

FAENDYR

Where are you going?

CAMILLA

If you must know, I have to... use the facilities.

GILBERT

Wait... you've been holding it in all this time?

CAMILLA

What else was I going to do, go in the woods? I'm not a barbarian! I'll be right back.

FAENDYR

Well, we're here. What did Gwendolyn say? It'd all work itself out? Typical witch nonsense. Be as non-specific as possible so we'll think she was right when something sort of like what she said happens.

GILBERT

I suppose we should start looking around? Maybe ask some of these villagers?

As the speak, a strange noise grows louder. It's bells, but reversed and slowed down.

FAENDYR

Yeah, let's just go up to a random stranger and ask them if they're a fairy.

GILBERT

Well, it's not ideal, but it's better than just waiting around for something to--

ABRUPT CHANGE TO 

SCENE 8. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAIRY PLANE.

We hear the bells now, no longer reversed or slowed. What sounds like little children giggle.

GILBERT

-- happen. Um. What happened to Rippling Brook?

FAENDYR

Oh gods. Fantastic. Just wonderful.

GILBERT

What's going on?

FAIRIES

(giggling)

FAENDYR

We've been abducted by faeries.

GILBERT

That's bad?

FAENDYR

That's very bad. If you want to get back to our plane of existence don't tell them your real name.

GILBERT

Got it.

FAENDYR

Don't eat anything.

GILBERT

Understood.

FAENDYR

Ooooh there's another one and I can't remember. "Name, food..." ugh, what is it??

GILBERT

They're a bunch of children how bad can it--

The faeries noises become more menacing. They're not cute anymore.

Oh my gods, what's wrong with them? Are those fangs? Why are their eyes so big?! Oh gods!

FAERIE 1

You're our guests... I mean, prisoners now!

GILBERT

No offence, but you should have left it at guests.

DORA FAERIE

I'm a Faerie! What's your name, human?

GILBERT

Gil--

FAENDYR

*cough*

GILBERT

Uhhhh Bear.... Gil. I mean Beargil.

FAERIE 2

Oooooh sounds Elven.

FAENDYR

No it doesn't!

FAERIE 1

What's yours, tall one?

FAENDYR

You know, I'm actually on the short side for an elf.

FAERIE 1

That's a strange name.

FAENDYR

It's... Gil.

FAERIES

Gil? / That's a name? / What's a Gil?

(etc)

FAENDYR

Yeah, like the fish antatomy. Are we just going to stand around talking or what?

GILBERT

(quietly)

Gil?

FAENDYR

(quietly)

It was the only name I could think of off the top of my head.

DORA FAERIE

I bet you have a lot of meat on you!

GILBERT

Excuse me?

FAERIE 2

We've never eaten elf before!

FAENDYR

Excuse me?!

CREEPY FAIRY

He said "we've never eaten elf before!"

FAENDYR

We know what you said! You're going to eat us?

FAERIE 2

Oh, no, not the both of you.

FAERIE 1

Just you, elf!

FAERIE 2

We're bored with human.

FAIRIES

(giggling)

FAENDYR

Fantastic.

BARD

It appears that B---

GILBERT

Bard?!

FAENDYR

What in the Infernal Plane...!

GILBERT

Where are you?!

BARD

I'm not actually here. I'm the narrator right now.

GILBERT

Wait, what?

BARD

I'm a character but I'm also narrating. It's really not that complicated.

(theme music begins)

It appears that "Beargil" and "Gil" have found themselves on the menu! Will they escape? And how will Camilla survive on her own? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

LENA

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Courtney Branch, Tom Howley, Andrew Quilpa, Jenny Oberholtzer and Yasmin Tuazon. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish

OUTTAKE 

LENA

(as Camilla)

I drink here every night. (A very poor slurp, followed by a cough) I love this beverage that the commoners love- 

(normal voice)

Let me actually take that again with a drink. 

DANIEL

Hm.

LENA

So I'm not trying to like, make weird drinking noises. 

REILLY

(laughs)

Several people begin making sipping noises. Silver laughs.

TOM

gurgle gurgle

LENA

That's how humans drink, right?

Tom makes a noise like he's trying to fit a whole cup in his mouth, making Daniel laugh. 

SFX: Ejecting tape.

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