INTRODUCTION
SFX: A tape is inserted into a deck. The play button is pressed.
BARD (NARRATOR)
Welcome, dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
MUSIC: Theme
SCENE 1. INT. KING ALFRED'S THRONE ROOM
A door opens to our right, and footsteps approach, as the Bard plucks at a lute.
BARD
The somewhat heroic and moderately dashing knight, Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard, third best of the kingdom of Kirkland, approaches the throne of his majestic king, Alfred, and the smaller and only slightly less impressive throne of the Crown Princess Camilla. As always, the King's trusty steward Willis awaits his word. Gilbert approaches the dais, while the most talented bard in all of the land--
GILBERT
Um, Bard? I'm-- I'm sorry.
The Bard stops playing, and clears his throat in an annoyed manner.
GILBERT
Sorry. But I don't need you describing what's going on around me. I can see it for myself.
BARD
(after a pause)
Fine. You find some clever way of dealing with the constraints of the medium, then.
GILBERT
Sorry.
BARD
(it's not)
No, fine, whatever.
Gilbert's FOOTSTEPS continue. Getting louder as 'Gilbert gets closer:
CAMILLA
I shall do no such thing.
KING ALFRED
You will. I told you to.
CAMILLA
I shan't marry Lord Peerless! You can't make me.
KING ALFRED
Yes I can! I'm the king!
CAMILLA
No, you can't!
Gilbert's footsteps have stopped.
KING ALFRED
I can too! --
WILLIS
Ah hem. The knight is here, sire.
Sir Gil-bert! What brings you to my throne room?
CAMILLA
You summoned him, father.
KING ALFRED
Willis, is that true?
WILLIS
Yes, sire.
KING ALFRED
Sir Gil-bert! Did I summon you? Willis keeps track of all of my to-dos... he hasn't made a mistake yet, but there is a first time for everything.
GILBERT
Yes, you did.
WILLIS
(under his breath)
Told you so, sire.
GILBERT
Apologies, your majesty, but my name is "Gil-BEAR."
KING ALFRED
Are you sure? Because it's spelled "Gil-BERT".
CAMILLA
It's pronounced however Sir Gilbert says it is. It's his name.
WILLIS
His majesty is always correct.
CAMILLA
Oh please.
GILBERT
Gil-bert is fine. I'm sorry for the bother.
KING ALFRED
(doubtfully)
No, no, if you insist...
GILBERT
Thank you, sire.
KING ALFRED
Make a note of that, Willis!
WILLIS
I already have, your majesty.
CAMILLA
Father, Sir Gilbert needs to be told why you have summoned him.
KING ALFRED
Oh! Yes! Sir Gilbert, you are aware of our eastern neighbors, the Westlanders?
WILLIS
Their thriving economy, competitive tax rate and high standard of living are the envy of the southern continent of Ilsylian
KING ALFRED
Pfffft! As if bathing once a year and an average lifespan of 40 is something to crow about!
WILLIS
If those filthy peasants would stop dying we'd have the same numbers.
GILBERT
With all due respect, sire, I don't need an expository dialogue about your twenty-year petty feud with King Jeffrey of Westland.
KING ALFRED
Not even about the chickens?
GILBERT
I was involved in The Chicken Affair, sire, along with Sir Rodney.
KING ALFRED
Dear Sir Rodney.
WILLIS
Terribly unfortunate.
CAMILLA
Such a tragedy.
KING ALFRED
I know you two were close, Sir Gilbert. This must be very difficult for you.
GILBERT
I have no idea what you are talking about.
KING ALFRED
(he sighs)
Oh dear. I hate to be the bearer of bad news... Perhaps it's best to just show you. Willis?
WILLIS
Bring out Sir Rodney!
Scampering as young servant bearing Sir Rodney arrives.
SERVANT BOY
Sir Rodney as you required, your majesty.
GILBERT
Wha.....?!
KING ALFRED
No no don't hand him to me I don't want to touch him--
GILBERT
What happened?!
KING ALFRED
Just... put him down right there. Yes, in that chair, Billy.
SERVANT BOY
My name is Michael, sire.
KING ALFRED
Are you sure that's your name?
GILBERT
Why is he....? What is he??
KING ALFRED
Billy is a servant.
GILBERT
NO! RODNEY!
KING ALFRED
Oh! He's a root.
GILBERT
Wha...?
WILLIS
A rather small one.
CAMILLA
More of a stick, really.
SERVANT BOY
My mother named me after my father. He died during the Chicken Affair. It's all I have of his.
KING ALFRED
Nononono, change it to Billy. You look more like a Billy.
SERVANT BOY
Y-yes, sire.
KING ALFRED
Please leave now, Billy. The sight of you makes me keenly aware of my privilege, and it's making me uncomfortable.
Michael, er, Billy, scampers away.
GILBERT
How... are you sure it's him?
KING ALFRED
Obviously! See? He's wearing a little tunic with his coat of arms on it.
WILLIS
A tree with exposed roots on a field of gold.
GILBERT
Is he... well, is he in there, or is he... dead?
KING ALFRED
Dead! Of course he's not dead.
CAMILLA
He's probably dead.
WILLIS
To answer your question, Sir Gilbert, we are not entirely sure. The King harbors a hope that Sir Rodney may be returned to his pre-tuber state.
GILBERT
How exactly?
WILLIS
That's your plot line sir, not mine. You have to figure it out for yourself.
GILBERT
(frustrated sigh, then:)
May I ask how... it happened?
KING ALFRED
That witch, Gwendolyn.
GILBERT
.... What does this have to do with Westland?
CAMILLA
Sir Rodney was embarking on a "vital" mission when he met his unfortunate end.
WILLIS
King Jeffry's latest effrontery is building a zoological garden to house magical creatures.
KING ALFRED
I cannot let it stand!
GILBERT
You want me to tear down his zoo?
KING ALFRED
Of course not, that is completely ridiculous. I am building my own zoological gardens and they will be better than anything Jeffrey could possibly come up with in his wildest dreams! My zoo... shall house... a unicorn!
SFX: Angelic choir
GILBERT
.... A unicorn?
WILLIS
Are you unfamiliar with the most magical and rare of creatures?
CAMILLA
Father, this scene is running long. Tell Sir Gilbert what it is you wish him to do.
GILBERT
Please.
KING ALFRED
Oh, fine. Willis?
Willis slowly turns a page
WILLIS
Fortune has smiled upon you, Sir Gilbert. As the third best and currently only unoccupied knight in the kingdom, you have been chosen by your king to complete the perilous and dangerous quest begun by Sir Rodney... The Quest for the Unicorn.
SFX: Angelic choir again
GILBERT
Unicorns are a critically endangered species. There are international laws banning their capture or captivity.
KING ALFRED
I'm not sure what the problem is. But wait! There's more.
WILLIS
You shall not undertake this perilous quest alone--
CAMILLA
I shall accompany you.
GILBERT, KING ALFRED & WILLIS
What?
CAMILLA
I shall accompany him.
KING ALFRED
I heard you the first time. The "what" was rhetorical.
GILBERT
Your Highness- no disrespect, but I work best alone.
MUSIC: The Bard begins to play
BARD
(singing:)
Sir Gilbert of the Wyvernguards, The family known for warriors!
Sir Gilbert of the Wyvernguards,
He has a tragic backstory....
(beat)
er*! (*pronounced "backstorier" to rhyme with "warriors")
GILBERT
No I don't!
BARD
I'm trying to make you more interesting. You're making it very difficult.
KING ALFRED
Camilla, you must stay here and prepare for your wedding to Lord Peerless.
CAMILLA
As I am not marrying him, I have nothing to prepare for.
KING ALFRED
You are often headstrong and stubborn--
CAMILLA
That's redundant--
KING ALFRED
AND DISRESPECTFUL to me as both your father and your king. And as both your father AND your king, I say a perilous quest is no place for my only child and heir.
CAMILLA
But Father--
KING ALFRED
THE KING HAS SPOKEN.
Willis begins writing
Did you write that down, Willis?
WILLIS
Of course, sire.
A door from within the castle is thrown open, followed by someone running in silk robes.
KING ALFRED
Ah! Master Faendyr. There you are!
FAENDYR
(panting)
Oh gods. I am out of shape. Phew! These robes look amazing, but gods are they heavy.
(deep breath)
Am I late?
CAMILLA & WILLIS
Yes.
GILBERT
No!
GILBERT
You'll be coming with me?
FAENDYR
Just the two of us.
GILBERT
Wonderful!
CAMILLA
I thought you preferred to work alone?
GILBERT
No no, I didn't say that.
MUSIC: The Bard plays again
BARD
(singing)
Faendyr Lwellenar, Lwellenar- that's Elvish! He's the handsome, well-dressed Elven-mage, that's because he's Elvish
CAMILLA
Not now.
FAENDYR
Oh let him, I like this one.
BARD
Lwellenar, Lwellenar, Lwellenar, that's Elvish!
KING ALFRED
As my official court mage, Master Faendyr has a very deep and profound knowledge of all of the arcane arts, stemming from his centuries of study at the Mages' College in the Elven Imperium.
FAENDYR
It is the finest institution of higher magical learning in all of Ilsylian.
KING ALFRED
As such, I thought he would be helpful to you in your quest.
GILBERT
That's wonderful, yes, I'm sure he'll be very helpful.
FAENDYR
Despite my centuries of practicing the magical arts, I've never seen a unicorn myself. They are incredibly rare- on the verge of extinction actually- but my tedious and complicated study of arcane texts revealed to me that they can be found near entrances to the Fairielands. Of course, there are no physical entrances to the Fairielands. It's a different plane of existence. We can only find these entrances through magic.
GILBERT
And that's where you come in?
FAENDYR
Ha, no! No. Fairies are fickle bastards and I personally try to have as little to do with them as possible. Our first stop- unfortunately- will be to contact the witch Gwendolyn for her assistance. She has no problem sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. She lives in the village of Fools Haven, so she's not far.
GILBERT
But she's the one who turned Rodney into a root.
FAENDYR
Magic's like that sometimes, Gil. Gotta do what you gotta do. Well, shall we?
KING ALFRED
Don't forget Sir Rodney!
GILBERT
Uh...
KING ALFRED
The royal tailor has made you a little sling he fits in... just slip that over your head... there you go.
Gilbert slips on the baby carrier, I mean, root holster
BARD
Oh that is.... adorable.
KING ALFRED
You shall be... The Companions of the Root!
SCENE 2. TRANSITION
The Bard plays his lute. It's late afternoon in the countryside. We hear insects buzzing and chirping, and a rooster off in the distance.
BARD
And they were off on the start of a new adventure! Our hero, Sir Rodney, leads his three companions: the devastatingly handsome Elven mage Faendyr, the fairly average looks-wise human, Sir Gilbert, and the most talented and tragically underappreciated bard in all the land. The four leave the capital of Kirkland and journey south-west towards the quaint village of Fools Haven. What perils will they encounter on their Quest for the Unicorn?
GILBERT
I'm sorry, could you--
The Bard stops playing
Would you mind not narrating what we're doing?
FAENDYR
It's really annoying.
We realize they are standing outside of a tavern. A livley jig plays inside.
BARD
(a quiet sigh. Then:)
After an easy day of travel, they stop at an unremarkable tavern. Thrilling.
Gilbert opens the creaky, wooden door. We are now inside the tavern and it's
SCENE 3. INT. TAVERN.
We hear the music louder now, and happy tavern patrons socalizing after a hard days' work. They cheer, throw dice, clink tankards, and call for more ale.
FAENDYR
You can't sit with us.
BARD
I don't want to sit with you anyway.
BARKEEP
Hail and well met friends! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!
GILBERT
Well met, friend.
BARKEEP
Forgive my boldness sirs, but you look as if you hail from the capital. What brings you to Fools Haven?
FAENDYR
Greetings, mortal. My companion and I --
BARD
CompanionS--
FAENDYR
(verbal expression of an eyeroll)
Whatever.
BARD
Sss! Sssss!
FAENDYR
We're looking for your village witch, Gwendolyn.
BARKEEP
(spits)
FAENDYR
Um. Ew.
BARKEEP
No offense meant good sirs, but no one goes looking for that half-elf harpy unless they mean trouble.
FAENDYR
Do you have a problem with elves?
BARKEEP
Oh! No, sir! But it is a bit problematic with her being a witch an' all.
GILBERT
What's your trouble with her?
BARKEEP
I have no trouble with her- knock on wood! We here in this village do our best to keep our distance from her. She seems harmless, but mark my words, no good comes from dealing with witches.
GILBERT
Unfortunately we haven't much of a choice. We need an entrance to the Fairielands.
FAENDYR
Royal business.
BARKEEP
The Fairielands! You gentlemen must have a death wish! There was a knight who came through here a fortnight ago. He went looking for that witch and never returned.
GILBERT
Sir Rodney?
BARKEEP
I didn't get his name. Pardon me asking, sir knight, but why do you have a stick in a holster around your neck?
GILBERT
Um...
FAENDYR
(casually)
That's what's left of Sir Rodney.
BARKEEP
Gods preserve us!
FAENDYR
As you can see, mortal, we are very serious and deadly types. If you don't tell us what we wish to know, I shall have to use my considerable and terrible arcane powers to pry this knowledge from your very mind.
Faendyr has started to fire up a spell
BARKEEP
Oh nononono, there's no need for that! You'll find her hut not two miles outside the village, following the river. But there isn't much sunlight left in the day, my lords, and I don't recommend visiting her in the dark of night. May I humbly suggest you sojourn from your quest here? I have a new barmaid who can show you to your room. I'll warn you, she's not very good. But beggars can't be choosers.
A woman's footsteps approach on the wooden floor
CAMILLA
Hail and well met friends.
BARD
Nice.
FAENDYR
Oh for the gods' sakes.
GILBERT
What are you doing here?!
BARKEEP
You know these men?
CAMILLA
I've never seen them before in my life until right now, here in this... drinking establishment.
FAENDYR
Tavern.
CAMILLA
I drink here every night (she pours some ale into a tankard) Mmmm. I love this... brown foul smelling beverage all the commoners love.
FAENDYR
Then what's your name, wench?
GILBERT
Faendyr...!
FAENDYR
What? A common tavern maid would not object to being called a wench.
CAMILLA
(through gritted teeth)
And I do not object. Because I am but a common girl.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me, miss? Can I get some more beer?
CAMILLA
Get it yourself, you lazy oaf. I'm busy!
BARD
Nice.
CUSTOMER
Oh.
FAENDYR
Stop stalling. What's your name?
CAMILLA
... Alfred.
GILBERT
Alfred?
CAMILLA
Yes. It's Elvish.
FAENDYR
Mm. It's not.
BARD
(chuckles)
Nice.
CAMILLA
It's an old family name.
GILBERT
Oh for-- your highness!
BARKEEP
I don't understand. What's goin' on?
BARD
Do you have a gold sovereign?
CAMILLA.
Oh fungus.
BARKEEP
Well yes, but...
BARD
Look at it.
The Barkeep gets a coin.
BARKEEP
Oh! Why, it looks just like her! What a strange coincidence.
GILBERT
Oh my gods.
CAMILLA
Yes. Fine. It's me. Well done.
BARKEEP
I can't believe I hired her highness as a barmaid! I thought she was but a peasant girl!
GILBERT
Her expensive gown wasn't a giveaway?
BARKEEP
I'm not a very clever man.
FAENDYR
How did you get here without anyone noticing?
GILBERT
And in that clothing! Shouldn't you have worn something less conspicuous?
CAMILLA
Just because I'm going adventuring doesn't mean I can't look stunning whilst I'm doing it.
FAENDYR
Right on.
CAMILLA
There was a delivery cart returning to Fools Haven that left the kitchens shortly after you. I simply hid myself in the cart.
GILBERT
But you got here before us.
CAMILLA
You walk very slowly.
FAENDYR
Fantastic. Now we have to drag Little Miss Adventure back to her father.
CAMILLA
That's Little Miss Princess Adventure to you. And don't you dare!
GILBERT
I'm sorry, your highness, but I have no choice.
CAMILLA
As the crown princess I command you to allow me to accompany you.
GILBERT
But the King--
CAMILLA
Never gave an order prohibiting you from accepting my company.
GILBERT
Well, technically that's correct, but his intention was pretty clear.
FAENDYR
You can't--
CAMILLA
I can and I will. Listen: I love my father, I really do. But I cannot deny that he is an out of touch and ineffectual ruler. He has barely set foot outside of our castle walls in ten years. If I wanted to be anything, it's an effective and powerful Queen, and I can't become that if I don't know what more than a square mile of my kingdom looks like. So, I will be accompanying you on this quest.
GILBERT
I... I mean... We shouldn't... Faendyr, say something!
FAENDYR
Fine.
CAMILLA
Fine...?
FAENDYR
Fine, your highness.
CAMILLA
Lovely. We're going to find a witch and kidnap a unicorn. How dangerous could it be?
Oh... barkeep? I quit.
BARKEEP
Oh, thank the gods.
MUSIC: A lively transition
SCENE 4. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLYN'S HUT
A forest at night. Crickets chrip. An owl hoots. A quiet river runs.
FAENDYR
Well. I'm no ranger, but we've followed the river for almost two miles... and here's a creepy hut. Fantastic.
GILBERT
Do we... do we just knock or...?
SFX: A classic horror string stinger, as a wooden door slowly creaks open.... and......
GWENDOLYN
Hiya!
FAENDYR, GIL, CAMILLA, BARD
(scream)
GWENDOLYN
Sorry! Didn't mean to startle you! I just thought I heard voices out here and, boop! There you are!
CAMILLA
Are you the witch Gwendolyn?
GWENDOLYN
Of course, silly bean! Who else would live in a hut in the middle of the forest? A tailor?
(laughs at her own joke, then abruptly:)
Well, where are my manners, come on in! Ooop, watch your head there, tall boy.
Faendyr hits his head with a thump on wood.
FAENDYR
Ow!
CONTINUOUS:
SCENE 5. INT. GWENDOLY'N'S HUT.
It's not what you might expect. It's cozy. A fire crackles in the corner, budgies chirp in their cage, and crystals strung from the ceiling clink together pleasantly
GWENDOLYN
Told you so.
She closes the door.
Would you like some tea? ... Nope, better not it might be poisoned. I'm kidding! I'm kidding! ... But it might be though, better not. What can I do ya for?
GILBERT
Well, um, ma'am. Two things. First thing is you seem to have turned our friend Rodney into a root.
GWENDOLYN
Ohhh did I?
GILBERT
Yes, ma'am you did.
GWENDOLYN
Mmmmm. I just don't remember. But, to be fair that does sound like something I would do.
GILBERT
This is him right here.
GWENDOLYN
Oh! That lil stick man you have in that sweet lil' baby carrier around your neck? I was wondering what that was about.
FAENDYR
Yeah, well, that's him.
GWENDOLYN
Ooooooh! Yes! Sorry about that. You know, you get hungry, you get cranky, a knight comes and bangs on your door, and poof! He's a root!
GILBERT
Yes, he did like to bang.
GWENDOLYN
Sorry to say, but there's nothing I can do.
FAENDYR
So that's it, he's just a root forever?
GWENDOLYN
Mm. Yep.
GILBERT
You can't do anything? Anything at all?
GWENDOLYN
Mm. Nope. Now was there something else, or...?
CAMILLA
Yes. We need admittance to the Fairielands.
GWENDOLYN
Oh, sillies! You don't want to go there! Fairies will make masks out of your face flesh and eat you for dinner. Y ou especially tall boy. You have such nice skin.
FAENDYR
Thanks?
BARD
It is very soft.
FAENDYR
Shut! up!
CAMILLA
We accept the risk to Faendyr's skin. We need a unicorn.
GWENDOLYN
Well, I'm afraid I can't-- wait, a unicorn?
CAMILLA
Yes.
GWENDOLYN
I need-- oh hold on just a moment--
Drawers opening, closing, items hitting the floor, paper shuffling, etc, as Gwendolyn is rifling around
GWENDOLYN
Where did I-- it's always in the last place you'd think to look-- Ah!
She drops a book on the table and quickly flips through it.
GWENDOLYN
Ah ha!
(manic laughter, then:)
Ah hem. Well, lady and gentlemen, I might just be able to help you after all. A little, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," if you will.
FAENDYR
What are your terms, witch?
GWENDOLYN
You tall, magic-elf-types are so stuck up, aren't you? I may have not been entirely truthful when I said there was nothing I could do for your friend Roger.
GILBERT
Rodney.
GWENDOLYN
Tomato, tomahto. There is a way that I could transform him back into whatever he was before that, but I need your help. That is, if you do want to help him.
FAENDYR
Ttechnically we weren't really friends...
CAMILLA
I suppose...
BARD
I mean... eh?
GILBERT
Yes! Yes, we do want to help him.
GWENDOLYN
May we all have such stalwart friends. Anywhosel! There is a spell that I can do, but I need three objects. They're nothing really, but you know how magic is.
FAENDYR
Yes, the arcane arts are my specialty.
GWENDOLYN
Then you already know about the Unholies.
SFX: A dramatic beat
FAENDYR
Of course I do. but I doubt my companions do and I'd like to hear how you explain them.
CAMILLA
The Unholies more commonly known as the Demon Relics, are magickal objects used by the great magi of old to enhance their own innate powers. Well, I say innate, but only Elves, and those decsended from Elves are born with the ablility to use magick. Anyone else has to make a compact with a demon, of course.
FAENDYR
How do you know this?
CAMILLA
I can read. And I don't have to work for a living so I have a lot of time on my hands.
GWENDOLYN
Of course, any time you mix demons and power, messy things start happening.
Her voice begins to distort, and we hear the echo of a terrible battle of old
There was a big war, terrible bloodshed, almost brought down the Elven Imperium blah blah blah blah. Long story short, many of the Relics were destroyed, others were locked up, and some simply went missing. Over time, stupid humans and elves forgot what they were, and now they're just pretty objects sittin' around gathering dust.
GILBERT
So... what are we doing?
GWENDOLYN
Keep up, silly! I need you to bring me two of them. Specifically, the Consumer of Flesh and the Hungering Band.
Her voice again distorts as she names the Relics. Probably doesn't mean anything, right?
GILBERT
They sound... pleasant.
GWENDOLYN
You'll know them when you see them, trust me. I also need some unicorn hair. You already need the unicorn, you just have to grab me those two lil' things. And then presto-chango, you don't have to carry Rupert around like an idiot for the rest of your natural life.
CAMILLA
But why do you need them?
FAENDYR
In order to undo a permanent spell, you need a stronger form of magick than what was originally used. It doesn't get more powerful than demon-fueled relics.
GWENDOLYN
Just like the tall boy said. Well, whatchya thinkin'?
CAMILLA
I say we accpet! Finding cursed, legendary objects and a mythical beast? That's a real quest right there, not just some silly errand for my father.
FAENDYR
Well, her highness has spoken so I guess that's that.
GWENDOLYN
Wonderful! If you would all do me a favor and just-- You know I just got a little contract here for you to sign right here. Just to make things official.
She unfurls a parchment
GILBERT
Little? It's four feet long!
GWENDOLYN
Oh, it's all legalese! I just like to keep things on the up-and-up, you know?Just sign right here in blood-- heh, no I'm kidding.
Faendyr, Gil and Camilla sign
GWENDOLYN
(deep, strange voice)
The compact is sealed.
GILBERT
Um?
She collects the paper.
GWENDOLYN
Great! You all just signed away the soul of your first-born child! Hehe, ya know, just a little joke we witches like to make.
... But seriously though, you might not want to have children.
Alrighty, buh bye!
She opens the door to shoo them out
CAMILLA
Wait! What about the Fairielands?
FAENDYR
What about the Relics? We don't know where to start!
GWENDOLYN
Ooops, silly me! Just head to Rippling Brook, and it will all work itself out from there. Oh! And if you've been happy with your service today, please leave me a five-star review, it really helps me out. BUH BYE.
She slams the door.
CONTINUOUS:
SCENE 6. EXT. OUTSIDE GWENDOLY'N'S HUT
Same exterior ambiance from before.
BARD
(as he strums a chord)
Our heroes--
COMPANIONS
(startled noises)
GILBERT
Oh gods, were you there the whole time?
BARD
Yes!
FAENDYR
Oh my gods, I completely forgot about him! Scared me, lil fella.
BARD
... That makes me feel really good, thanks.
(Back to his narrator voice and his lute)
Our heroes, slightly discomforted by their encounter with the chipper witch, make their way along the perilous road to Rippling Brook!
CAMILLA
Perilous?
Abrupt stop to the lute
BARD
I'm trying to paint a mind-picture with my words. I thought that would be more interesting than telling everyone you had a completely non-eventful and frankly not worth mentioning journey after you camped for the night...
(Narrator voice:)
And arrived the charming little village of Rippling Brook the next afternoon!
SCENE 7. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.
Pleasant lute music. Birds chirp, farm animals laze around, a river. A nice little village.
CAMILLA
Out of my way, out of my way, coming through...!
FAENDYR
Where are you going?
CAMILLA
If you must know, I have to... use the facilities.
GILBERT
Wait... you've been holding it in all this time?
CAMILLA
What else was I going to do, go in the woods? I'm not a barbarian! I'll be right back.
FAENDYR
Well, we're here. What did Gwendolyn say? It'd all work itself out? Typical witch nonsense. Be as non-specific as possible so we'll think she was right when something sort of like what she said happens.
GILBERT
I suppose we should start looking around? Maybe ask some of these villagers?
As the speak, a strange noise grows louder. It's bells, but reversed and slowed down.
FAENDYR
Yeah, let's just go up to a random stranger and ask them if they're a fairy.
GILBERT
Well, it's not ideal, but it's better than just waiting around for something to--
ABRUPT CHANGE TO
SCENE 8. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAIRY PLANE.
We hear the bells now, no longer reversed or slowed. What sounds like little children giggle.
GILBERT
-- happen. Um. What happened to Rippling Brook?
FAENDYR
Oh gods. Fantastic. Just wonderful.
GILBERT
What's going on?
FAIRIES
(giggling)
FAENDYR
We've been abducted by faeries.
GILBERT
That's bad?
FAENDYR
That's very bad. If you want to get back to our plane of existence don't tell them your real name.
GILBERT
Got it.
FAENDYR
Don't eat anything.
GILBERT
Understood.
FAENDYR
Ooooh there's another one and I can't remember. "Name, food..." ugh, what is it??
GILBERT
They're a bunch of children how bad can it--
The faeries noises become more menacing. They're not cute anymore.
Oh my gods, what's wrong with them? Are those fangs? Why are their eyes so big?! Oh gods!
FAERIE 1
You're our guests... I mean, prisoners now!
GILBERT
No offence, but you should have left it at guests.
DORA FAERIE
I'm a Faerie! What's your name, human?
GILBERT
Gil--
FAENDYR
*cough*
GILBERT
Uhhhh Bear.... Gil. I mean Beargil.
FAERIE 2
Oooooh sounds Elven.
FAENDYR
No it doesn't!
FAERIE 1
What's yours, tall one?
FAENDYR
You know, I'm actually on the short side for an elf.
FAERIE 1
That's a strange name.
FAENDYR
It's... Gil.
FAERIES
Gil? / That's a name? / What's a Gil?
(etc)
FAENDYR
Yeah, like the fish antatomy. Are we just going to stand around talking or what?
GILBERT
(quietly)
Gil?
FAENDYR
(quietly)
It was the only name I could think of off the top of my head.
DORA FAERIE
I bet you have a lot of meat on you!
GILBERT
Excuse me?
FAERIE 2
We've never eaten elf before!
FAENDYR
Excuse me?!
CREEPY FAIRY
He said "we've never eaten elf before!"
FAENDYR
We know what you said! You're going to eat us?
FAERIE 2
Oh, no, not the both of you.
FAERIE 1
Just you, elf!
FAERIE 2
We're bored with human.
FAIRIES
(giggling)
FAENDYR
Fantastic.
BARD
It appears that B---
GILBERT
Bard?!
FAENDYR
What in the Infernal Plane...!
GILBERT
Where are you?!
BARD
I'm not actually here. I'm the narrator right now.
GILBERT
Wait, what?
BARD
I'm a character but I'm also narrating. It's really not that complicated.
(theme music begins)
It appears that "Beargil" and "Gil" have found themselves on the menu! Will they escape? And how will Camilla survive on her own? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!
CREDITS
LENA
The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Courtney Branch, Tom Howley, Andrew Quilpa, Jenny Oberholtzer and Yasmin Tuazon. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish
OUTTAKE
LENA
(as Camilla)
I drink here every night. (A very poor slurp, followed by a cough) I love this beverage that the commoners love-
(normal voice)
Let me actually take that again with a drink.
TATUM
Hm.
LENA
So I'm not trying to like, make weird drinking noises.
REILLY
(laughs)
Several people begin making sipping noises. Silver laughs.
TOM
gurgle gurgle
LENA
That's how humans drink, right?
Tom makes a noise like he's trying to fit a whole cup in his mouth, making Tatum laugh.
SFX: Ejecting tape.
