Please note this is taken from the recording script, and needs minor editing to match the published episode

NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

SCENE 1. EXT. GATES OF AMARANTHYNE. [AUDIO FROM PREVIOUS EP]

SOUND: Keanu is GALLOPING full speed. GUARDS are in pursuit.

GILBERT

Keanu, stop! There's no way we can survive that fall!

KEANU

Okay!

FAENDYR

No- Keanu, full speed ahead.

KEANU

Okay!

CAMILLA

We'll be killed, you idiot!

FAENDYR

Not if I have anything to do with it.

CAMILLA

Oh no, no, no, no.

FAENDYR

Do you trust me?

GILBERT & COlin & Keanu

Yes.

CAMILLA

No!

BIANKA

I'm reserving judgement.

KEANU

Hold on to your butts, my dudes!

SOUND: Keanu LEAPS. WIND Whistles

BEGIN NEW AUDIO

COMPANIONS

(scream)

COLIN

Yaaaaayyyy!

BARD

And they were all dashed on the rocks at the bottom of the cliff!  Just kidding. Can you imagine? "They all died. The End. Thanks for listening!" Ah right. You want to know how it ends. So this is what really happened

SCENE 2. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE (RIPPLING BROOK).

SOUND: Idyllic nature sounds for a moment (same ambient as Episodes 1-2), then:

SOUND: PORTAL.

COMPANIONS

(screaming)

COLIN

Yaaaaayyyy!

SOUND: Keanu comes through the portal with the Companions. They land with a thud, tumbling over each other.

COMPANIONS

Ow / Oofff / etc.

COLIN

That was fun! Can we do it again?

GILBERT

You did it, Faendyr! You actually cast a portal!

FAENDYR

Wait... it worked?

KEVIN

*excited squeak*

GILBERT

Is everyone okay?

KEANU

Uhhhhh. Lemme check...

(horrified)

Oh my god!

GILBERT

What's wrong?!

KEANU

Nevermind, I forgot I have four legs. I'm cool.

CAMILLA

Bianka, are you alright?

BIANKA

Yeah. I'm pretty hard to hurt. I'm very dense. Physically, that is.

FAENDYR

I legit thought we were going to die. I can't believe that actually worked.

CAMILLA

You thought we were WHAT?!

KEANU

That's so cool!

COLIN

It was probably Keanu!

KEANU

Yeah, totally. Wait, what did I do?

COLIN

Unicorn magic, Keanu! You probably enhanced Faendyr's magical powers and let him cast the portal!

KEANU

Oh yeah! Totally! Probably.

GILBERT

Where are we?

FAENDYR

Honestly, I have no idea.

CAMILLA

You have no idea?!

FAENDYR

I was more concerned about actually casting the portal than where it was going, okay?

CAMILLA

What if you had dropped us in the middle of the Glass Sea or dashed us onto the treacherous peaks of the Thundering Mountain?!

FAENDYR

I didn't though. So. You're welcome.

GILBERT

Hold on. This place seems familiar...

HEAD VILLAGER

(from far away:)

Hail and well met, travelers from the skies! Welcome to Ripping Brook...

CAMILLA

Oh gods.

COLIN

Ooooh! I know where we are!

HEAD VILLAGER

What may we-- Oh. Oh no.

FAENDYR

The feeling is mutual, trust me.

HEAD VILLAGER

We just finished burying the orcs...

GILBERT

It's been two months.

HEAD VILLAGER

Well, we had the artisanal cheese festival to prepare for and that had to take priority.

FAENDYR

Oh my gods.

COLIN

Ooooh! The cheese festival was my favorite!

BIANKA

What is it with humans and cheese?

FAENDYR

Yeah I don‘t get it.

CAMILLA

Never speak ill of cheese.

GILBERT

Cheese is the best thing ever.

COLIN

Silence, infidels!

HEAD VILLAGER

What is wrong with you??

HEAD VILLAGER

Then during the festival these three travelers came through. They caused so much trouble! The dwarf kept hitting on all of the plants, the elf swindled a bunch of villagers out of their coin - and the human just kept rushing into things. It took us weeks to fix all the damage they caused. I assumed they were friends of yours.

FAENDYR

We don't really do "friends."

HEAD VILLAGER

And then! Lord Peerless came looking for the Princess Camilla and he was... very put out when he learned we let you leave with Olfga and her boys.

CAMILLA

You didn't "let" me leave, you handed me over to them, you traitor.

BIANKA

Oooh. So that's how you ended up in Jade Reach.

GILBERT

More or less.

BIANKA

I figured you couldn't have gotten there on your own. No offence.

HEAD VILLAGER

Yes, about that unfortunate incident--

KEANU

Hi, I'm a unicorn.

HEAD VILLAGER

Uh, yes, I see that. Hello.

I'm sorry, your majesty, but we have to let Lord Peerless know you're here.

CAMILLA

Very well.

OTHERS

Wait, what?

CAMILLA

Send your raven. Let him know I'm here.

HEAD VILLAGER

We... don't have carrier ravens.

CAMILLA

I am shocked.

(she's not)

HEAD VILLAGER

We send him our messages via our monthly cheese deliveries. We inscribe them on our cheese rinds.

CAMILLA

Of course you do. Well, better hop to it then.

It will only take, what?, two days to reach his estate?

HEAD VILLAGER

Three, most likely. Our cows move very slowly.

CAMILLA

We'll be on our way tomorrow, so they'd better hurry.

Take us to your inn, we require a place to spend the night.

HEAD VILLAGER

We're a very small and inconsequential village. No one ever comes through here, well except for you all, evidently.

That is to say, we don't have an inn.

CAMILLA

Sir Peerless will be very upset to hear you forced his betrothed to sleep out of doors. In the elements. At the mercy of marauding orc mercenaries.

HEAD VILLAGER

No, um, I'll- I'll let you sleep in my house. And before you say anything, I'll sleep outside.

CAMILLA

Perfect.

MUSIC: TRANSITION

SCENE 3. INT. HEAD VILLAGERS' HOUSE.

SOUND: The door opens. The Companions walk in, expect for Keanu.

CAMILLA

Well. This is depressing. No wonder that man is so miserable.

GILBERT

I don't know. Reminds me of my parents' home.

FAENDYR

That is so sad.

BIANKA

Hey Stretch? Your privilege is showing.

FAENDYR

It's not privilege, it's good taste.

KEANU

(from outside)

Hey guys, what about me?

GILBERT

Can you fit through the door?

KEANU

I'm not a big fan of the indoors since that vampire, like, tried to eat me.

FAENDYR

In that case, see you in the morning, sleep tight.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.

KEANU

(voice muffled by the door)

Um yeah okay.

COLIN

Make yourself comfortable, everyone. I'll get the cheese!

KEANU

(muffled)

Hey bud, can I have some too?

SOUND: Colin runs and opens a cupboard. Maybe the sound of him running back and forth and getting dishes and wheels of cheese.

CAMILLA

Colin? You seem very familiar with this home.

COLIN

This was my family's house!

EVERYONE

(wtf)

BIANKA

Are you sure?

COLIN

Right here is the crawlspace my siblings would lock me in. See?

SOUND: small door opening

COLIN

This space and I spent a lot of time together.

CAMILLA

Your siblings locked you in a cupboard?!

GILBERT

You're an only child, huh?

COLIN

And they pulled my hair and called me all sorts of cruel names! Even the babies.

KEANU

(muffled)

That's horrible, little dude.

COLIN

It's alright! That's how I learned to talk to rodents! And my whole family are long dead and rotted, so who has the last laugh now, hm?

KEVIN

*squeaking in agreement*

EVERYONE ELSE

(yikes)

KEANU

(muffled)

Hey guys? ... Guys? I'm lonely.

COLIN

Here!

SOUND: Window opens

COLIN

You can stick your head in through this window!

KEANU

Oh! Niiiiiice!

(now inside)

'Sup, my dudes?

BIANKA

Wait... so if you learned to talk to mice while you were locked in the cupboard, does that mean you talking to animals isn't magic then?

GILBERT

I'm around horses all the time and I can't speak their language.

COLIN

Have you tried, though?

GILBERT

Well, no.

CAMILLA

Speaking of magic.

Faendyr, I believe you have some things to explain.

FAENDYR

(nervous)

Ha ha... yeah.

GILBERT

What did the Empress mean by crimes against the Imperium?

FAENDYR

Let me explain... No... let me sum up. Well, actually, it'd be better if I--

CAMILLA

The short version, please.

FAENDYR

Basically? I'm...

COLIN

It's okay, you can tell us! You'll feel better when you do.

FAENDYR

I'm... a fraud.

No, Colin, I feel worse.

CAMILLA

I knew it! I knew you had no idea what you were doing!

COLIN

Do you need a hug?

FAENDYR

No, I'm--- 

COLIN

Hug!

FAENDYR

Thanks Colin.

COLIN

You're welcome.

FAENDYR

I'm not a total liar. I just... never actually graduated.

CAMILLA

Oh my gods.

BIANKA

What's the big deal? I never completed school.

COLIN

And I still don't know what a schools is!

CAMILLA

Faendyr was hired by my father to be his official Master of the Arcane Arts. It is an incredibly prestigious position. Anyone who claims that title must have spent at least a quarter of a century of study at The Mage's College.

GILBERT

How many years did you complete?

FAENDYR

Ummm...

GILBERT

Twenty?

FAENDYR

Nooo...

GILBERT

Ten??

FAENDYR

Less?

GILBERT

Oh my gods, five?!

FAENDYR

One, actually.

KEANU

Niiiiiiiice! You only need one year?!

CAMILLA

My father trusted you!

GILBERT

What happened?

FAENDYR

I fully intended to graduate, I really did! But... then I kind of burnt down a wing of the College? Accidentally.

KEANU

I understand. An "accident".

FAENDYR

No, it was an accident.

KEANU

(wink)

Of course. Sure.

FAENDYR

One of my responsibilities as a first year student was ironing the professors' robes. I thought ironing would be a lot easier if I used steam instead. You know, putting my enterprising mind to good use.

CAMILLA

Uh huh.

FAENDYR

And I may have accidentally cast a fireball when I meant to cast a simple candle spell and... set the robes on fire?

GILBERT

They are very flammable.

FAENDYR

They really are.

And then the rest of the room caught on fire...

KEANU

Oohh mannnn!

FAENDYR

And then the whole dorm wing. And well, so on. So, I, uh... just kind of expelled myself?

BIANKA

You fled the scene?

FAENDYR

... Yes.

GILBERT

So that's your crime?

FAENDYR

Um... no. You know my grimoire? ... My magic book, Gil.

GILBERT

I knew what you meant.

(he didn't)

FAENDYR

Here, Camilla, you read Elvish.

SOUND: He slides the book across the table. Camilla opens it.

CAMILLA

"Textbook for Magic 101... Property of the Library at The Mages' College." This is a textbook?

FAENDYR

A library rental, specifically.

CAMILLA

So, you ran away from home with a stolen library book and showed up at my father's court calling yourself an arcane specialist with decades of training.

FAENDYR

Centuries, actually. Go big or go home, right?

BIANKA

You're not helping yourself, bud.

FAENDYR

And I didn't go straight to Kirkland. I did spend a couple years claiming to be an Elvish prince who'd fallen on hard times.

BIANKA

Oh man.

FAENDYR

Which isn't entirely a lie! And in terms of the court mage thing, Alfred didn't ask for any references. I mean, that's just basic hiring practices right there, so this is kind of his fault if you think about it.

CAMILLA

This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

FAENDYR

Really? You were there when your father started an international incident over some chickens.

GILBERT

Can we not bring the Chicken Affair into this?

FAENDYR

Are you going to tell your dad?

CAMILLA

I haven't decided yet.

FAENDYR

I did save our lives.

CAMILLA

From a situation that you created!

FAENDYR

That's fair.

GILBERT

Alright Bianka. Your turn. Who do you work for?

BIANKA

They're called the Keepers.

FAENDYR

Wait... I've heard of them.

BIANKA

Really? How?

FAENDYR

Honestly, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

GILBERT

The Keepers?

BIANKA

They are obsessed with secrecy.

People like me, Seekers, collect Unholy Relics. That's as far as my responsibilities go. I don't know what happens next, that's way above my pay grade. But I do know that they think keeping Relics out of the hands of mages will prevent another Demon War.

FAENDYR

(it's all making sense now)

Ooooh.

UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

They believe they can control the fate of their dimension. Fools.

FAENDYR

Shhh, Fleshy!

GILBERT

Are you talking to your staff?

UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

They are like ants striving to divert the flow of a river.

FAENDYR

... No. Sorry, go on Bianka.

BIANKA

The person I report to is called the Inquisitor. But they're not calling the shots. That's the Inquisitor General, and no one ever sees them.

UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

They believe by cowering in the shadows they can save themselves.

BIANKA

Listen- that's really all I know. And the less you go asking around, the better. As far as they're concerned, the ends justify the means. I mean, you met Olivier.

GILBERT

He threatened Colin. That's why we fought.

BIANKA

They don't really care what they have to do to get the Relics. But they're good at what they do.

GILBERT

Unlike us.

BIANKA

Well, I mean, they're...

GILBERT

Competent?

BIANKA

Yeah? No offense.

FAENDYR

I for one fully accept our shortcomings. Competent is not a word that I would use to describe us.

KEANU

I, like, died and came back as a magical horse though? So I mean, I feel like I came out ahead.

CAMILLA

And I have a duchy now.

KEANU

Yeah, the Princess and I are doing fine, thanks.

BIANKA

My assignment was to extricate the Consumer of Flesh from the museum.

Obviously, we all know how that went.

GILBERT

Why did you decide to help us?

BIANKA

Honestly? I don't know. Morbid curiosity? I was bored? Listen. I know how this looks, I'm not an idiot. The Keepers were just my ticket out of my old life. Which wasn't super, by the way. Money is money. For a lot of us in this world, we have to get it however we can. We can't be cute about it. Scruples don't pay the rent.

FAENDYR

Exactly.

CAMILLA

You stay out of this.

BIANKA

I can fix this.

I know where the Hungering Band is. Keeper Richard-- that jerk who took the Relic-- he and I were meeting up with a mage who would transport us to headquarters. Tomorrow, it'll be at the gate to Jade Reach.

CAMILLA

Why are you still helping us?

BIANKA

Isn't it obvious?

CAMILLA

I need more than that.

BIANKA

You guys are going on a crazy convoluted fetch quest all around the continent just to help a friend. That means a lot to me.

FAENDYR

I think there's a little more to it than that. At least for some of us. Right, Gil?

GILBERT

What?

FAENDYR

Something you want to share with the group?

GILBERT

... No?

CAMILLA

Alright. Let's talk logistics. Bianka, what weakenss do Richard and this mage have?

UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH

Do you really trust the dwarf? Do you think she has your interests at heart?

FAENDYR

Wait, wait, wait. So that's it? We're all just cool with Bianka basically stabbing us in the back?

BIANKA

I came clean. What more do you want?

FAENDYR

This isn't some mechanical device you can just fix by turning a couple gears.

How do we know this isn't a trap and she's still working for the Keepers and lying to us so she can bring Fleshy to them?

GILBERT

Please stop calling it that.

BIANKA

Truth be told? You don't.

CAMILLA

I trust her.

FAENDYR

Of course you do.

CAMILLA

What's that supposed to mean?

FAENDYR

You have a dwarf-shaped blind spot!

CAMILLA

I will remind you that you are speaking to the Crown Princess of Kirkland. The Crown Princess who will decide if her father needs to know that his court mage is a fraud.

FAENDYR

Fine. We'll give Bianka a chance to prove herself. But I swear to the gods if she's still lying...

BIANKA

I'm not.

FAENDYR

Okay then.

BIANKA

Okay.

FAENDYR

Fine.

BIANKA

Good.

FAENDYR

Good!

BIANKA

Okay.

FAENDYR

Great.

(awkward pause. Keanu clears his throat.)

KEANU

Hey, um... this is probably a bad time, but I, like, never got any of that cheese?

TRANSITION

SCENE 4. EXT. ENTRANCE TO JADE REACH.

A sense of a wide, open space at some elevation. Same as episode 3.

SOUND: Portal

FAENDYR

Well. Here we are.

KEANU

Where is here?

COLIN

Oh! This is where the giant metal giant lives!

SOUND: The companions walk out of the portal.

BIANKA

You know, Stretch, it's too bad you didn't figure out how to cast portals like a month ago.

KEANU

Yeah, that would have saved us like a ton of walking.

SOUND: Portal closes.

FAENDYR

If you keep complaining you can walk all the way back to Kirkland.

BIANKA

Keeper Richard should be meeting up with Keeper Waelynn at any moment. I'll distract them, while you all stay out of sight.

Then Faendyr shoots some fireballs and Gil looks scary, and I'll make off with the Relic. Then we all portal back to the capital. The End.

GILBERT

Sounds simple enough.

FAENDYR

I'm sure we'll find a way to mess it up. I mean, just going by precedent.

KEANU

True true true.

COLIN

What do I do?

BIANKA

Stay hidden. And quiet.

COLIN

But that's boring.

BIANKA

It's a very important job.

COLIN

I'm not a baby.

SOUND: Footsteps further off.

BIANKA

There's Keeper Richard. Get down. Waelynn should be up in a minute. Stay hidden until I give the word.

GILBERT

Wait, what's the word?

KEANU

Pickles?

BIANKA

... Sure.

I'll be back.

SOUND: She walks away.

SCENE 5. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE.

SOUND: An elevator approaches.

SOUND: Dwarven gate opens.

AUTOMATON

We have arrived at the surface level. We hope you have enjoyed your visit to Jade Reach. Please come again.

KEEPER WAELYNN

Thank you for your assistance, as always.

Hello, Keeper Richard.

KEEPER RICHARD

Keeper Waelynn. I trust your mission was a success.

KEEPER WAELYNN

Just a few hiccups, but nothing I couldn't handle. And yours?

SOUND: Dwarven gate closes.

KEEPER RICHARD

I have the Relic. I am unsure of Keeper Olivier's location. He was going to collect Uxellodunon's staff, but he wasn't at the rendezvous when I left Amaranthyne. And Seeker Bianka refused to accompany me.

KEEPER WAELYNN

That's odd. Have you sent word to the Inquisitor?

KEEPER RICHARD

Not yet. I assumed it would be a better discussion to have in person.

SOUND: BIANKA walks up.

Scene 5.2

KEEPER WAELYNN

Someone's coming.

BIANKA

Hey guys.

KEEPER RICHARD

Seeker Bianka?

KEEPER WAELYNN

I thought you said she stayed in Amaranthyne.

KEEPER RICHARD

What are you doing here?

BIANKA

It's a crazy story, actually. Really convoluted. Woah. And long. So, so long.

KEEPER RICHARD

I'd like to hear it.

BIANKA

You would?

KEEPER RICHARD

Very much.

BIANKA

Um. I doubt Keeper Waelynn wants to...

KEEPER WAELYNN

I don't mind.

BIANKA

Ummmm are you sure? I mean, it's loooong. Super long. And kind of weird, honestly?

KEEPER WAELYNN

We don't have to be back until vespers. And I love a good story.

BIANKA

Haha. Um. Okay. Well... Picture this: Inquistor sends me to Jade Reach. So, I start my day with a nice healthy breakfast. I've tried the new omletes, but just the egg white. Okay but anyway, moving on. I get to Jade Reach....

SCENE 6. EXT. FURTHER BACK.

SOUND: Bianka spinning a tale in the distance.

FAENDYR

Well, Gil. This is the last thing we need to get Rodney out of that root.

GILBERT

Yeah.

FAENDYR

Are you excited?

GILBERT

Anxious more than anything if I'm honest.

FAENDYR

Really?

GILBERT

I mean, we don't know for sure if it will work.

CAMILLA

Or if he's even still alive...

GILBERT

And if it does work... well, it's complicated.

CAMILLA

What's going on over there?

KEANU

Uhhhhh, looks like she's still talking.

CAMILLA

Still? What's taking so long?

GILBERT

Come on Bianka, just grab the relic...

FAENDYR

Hold on. Are we supposed to distract them so she can grab it?

GILBERT

Maybe?

KEANU

Wait no- did she say the word?

COLIN

I don't know, what was the word?

KEANU

I don't know. Wait, wasn't it pickles?

COLIN

Or was it "sure"?

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

No, that wasn't it.

CAMILLA

Oh my gods.

BIANKA

(in the distance)

PICKLES!

GILBERT

Wait, did she say something?

FAENDYR

Maybe?

BIANKA

(louder)

PICKLES!

CAMILLA

I think she did.

KEANU

Was it "pickles" or "sure"?

BIANKA

PICKLES! FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, PICKLES!!!

FAENDYR

She said pickles.

GILBERT

Oh, fungus!

SCENE 7. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE.

KEEPER WAELYNN

Are you alright, Bianka?

KEEPER RICHARD

Stop. What's that? Over there by that outcropping.

KEEPER WAELYNN

Is that a unicorn?

BIANKA

It's probably just a mountain goat.

KEEPER WAELYNN

Are those people? Behind that rock.

BIANKA

It looks like a mage and a warrior. And...

(Notices Colin; annoyed sigh)

Oh my gods. Is that a gnome?

COLIN

(in the distance)

Roar!

GILBERT

(in the distance)

No, Colin!

BIANKA

Wow. They look like bad news. You should probably go. I'll take care of them.

KEEPER RICHARD

A moment. Isn't that the knight you were with, Bianka?

BIANKA

Uhhhh. No?

KEEPER RICHARD

It looks just like him.

BIANKA

I mean all humans look the same.

KEEPER WAELYNN

They really do.

KEEPER RICHARD

No. It's him. I'm positive.

BIANKA

It can't be.

KEEPER WAELYNN

Hold on. That mage has a relic.

KEEPER RICHARD

Bianka, isn't that the Consumer of Flesh?

BIANKA

Fungus. Uhhhh. Maybe? Stay here. I'll... be back.

SOUND: BIANKA RUNS AT BREAKNECK SPEED

KEEPER WAELYNN

What's going on?

SCENE 8. BOULDERS

SOUND: Bianka is running towards them

GILBERT

Wait, why is she running towards us? This is part of the plan, right?

KEANU

Wow. She's fast. I mean, considering.

FAENDYR

Should we do something?

SOUND: Bianka has arrived

BIANKA

Run!

CAMILLA

Oh f- foot and mouth.

SOUND: The companions all stand up

BIANKA

RUN YOU IDIOTS!

KEEPERS

STOP!

SOUND: The companions all start running

KEANU

We'd rather not, if that's okay!

COLIN

Where are we going?

BIANKA

I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here.

COLIN

I know what what?

WEALYNN

(from behind them)

Incende!

SOUND: FIREBALL

COMPANIONS

Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc

GILBERT

Are they shooting fireballs at us?!

CAMILLA

It certainly seems like it!

BARD

And it certainly seems like the Companions have gotten themselves in a heated situation. Will they find a way to cool things down?

COMPANIONS

*groan*

BARD

Find out next time in the season finale of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

BLOOPER

ANDREW

But he wasn't at the rendevouz. Hm. Sorry. One more time. 

MICHAEL

It's "U-zello-dun-on"

ANDREW

Uxellodunon. Yeah. Uxello-Lena-Dunham. Uxellodunon. Uxellodunon? Uxellodunon! Okay. Ah hem.

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