Please note this is taken from the recording script, and needs minor editing to match the published episode
NARRATOR
Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
SCENE 1. EXT. GATES OF AMARANTHYNE. [AUDIO FROM PREVIOUS EP]
SOUND: Keanu is GALLOPING full speed. GUARDS are in pursuit.
GILBERT
Keanu, stop! There's no way we can survive that fall!
KEANU
Okay!
FAENDYR
No- Keanu, full speed ahead.
KEANU
Okay!
CAMILLA
We'll be killed, you idiot!
FAENDYR
Not if I have anything to do with it.
CAMILLA
Oh no, no, no, no.
FAENDYR
Do you trust me?
GILBERT & COlin & Keanu
Yes.
CAMILLA
No!
BIANKA
I'm reserving judgement.
KEANU
Hold on to your butts, my dudes!
SOUND: Keanu LEAPS. WIND Whistles
BEGIN NEW AUDIO
COMPANIONS
(scream)
COLIN
Yaaaaayyyy!
BARD
And they were all dashed on the rocks at the bottom of the cliff! Just kidding. Can you imagine? "They all died. The End. Thanks for listening!" Ah right. You want to know how it ends. So this is what really happened
SCENE 2. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE (RIPPLING BROOK).
SOUND: Idyllic nature sounds for a moment (same ambient as Episodes 1-2), then:
SOUND: PORTAL.
COMPANIONS
(screaming)
COLIN
Yaaaaayyyy!
SOUND: Keanu comes through the portal with the Companions. They land with a thud, tumbling over each other.
COMPANIONS
Ow / Oofff / etc.
COLIN
That was fun! Can we do it again?
GILBERT
You did it, Faendyr! You actually cast a portal!
FAENDYR
Wait... it worked?
KEVIN
*excited squeak*
GILBERT
Is everyone okay?
KEANU
Uhhhhh. Lemme check...
(horrified)
Oh my god!
GILBERT
What's wrong?!
KEANU
Nevermind, I forgot I have four legs. I'm cool.
CAMILLA
Bianka, are you alright?
BIANKA
Yeah. I'm pretty hard to hurt. I'm very dense. Physically, that is.
FAENDYR
I legit thought we were going to die. I can't believe that actually worked.
CAMILLA
You thought we were WHAT?!
KEANU
That's so cool!
COLIN
It was probably Keanu!
KEANU
Yeah, totally. Wait, what did I do?
COLIN
Unicorn magic, Keanu! You probably enhanced Faendyr's magical powers and let him cast the portal!
KEANU
Oh yeah! Totally! Probably.
GILBERT
Where are we?
FAENDYR
Honestly, I have no idea.
CAMILLA
You have no idea?!
FAENDYR
I was more concerned about actually casting the portal than where it was going, okay?
CAMILLA
What if you had dropped us in the middle of the Glass Sea or dashed us onto the treacherous peaks of the Thundering Mountain?!
FAENDYR
I didn't though. So. You're welcome.
GILBERT
Hold on. This place seems familiar...
HEAD VILLAGER
(from far away:)
Hail and well met, travelers from the skies! Welcome to Ripping Brook...
CAMILLA
Oh gods.
COLIN
Ooooh! I know where we are!
HEAD VILLAGER
What may we-- Oh. Oh no.
FAENDYR
The feeling is mutual, trust me.
HEAD VILLAGER
We just finished burying the orcs...
GILBERT
It's been two months.
HEAD VILLAGER
Well, we had the artisanal cheese festival to prepare for and that had to take priority.
FAENDYR
Oh my gods.
COLIN
Ooooh! The cheese festival was my favorite!
BIANKA
What is it with humans and cheese?
FAENDYR
Yeah I don‘t get it.
CAMILLA
Never speak ill of cheese.
GILBERT
Cheese is the best thing ever.
COLIN
Silence, infidels!
HEAD VILLAGER
What is wrong with you??
HEAD VILLAGER
Then during the festival these three travelers came through. They caused so much trouble! The dwarf kept hitting on all of the plants, the elf swindled a bunch of villagers out of their coin - and the human just kept rushing into things. It took us weeks to fix all the damage they caused. I assumed they were friends of yours.
FAENDYR
We don't really do "friends."
HEAD VILLAGER
And then! Lord Peerless came looking for the Princess Camilla and he was... very put out when he learned we let you leave with Olfga and her boys.
CAMILLA
You didn't "let" me leave, you handed me over to them, you traitor.
BIANKA
Oooh. So that's how you ended up in Jade Reach.
GILBERT
More or less.
BIANKA
I figured you couldn't have gotten there on your own. No offence.
HEAD VILLAGER
Yes, about that unfortunate incident--
KEANU
Hi, I'm a unicorn.
HEAD VILLAGER
Uh, yes, I see that. Hello.
I'm sorry, your majesty, but we have to let Lord Peerless know you're here.
CAMILLA
Very well.
OTHERS
Wait, what?
CAMILLA
Send your raven. Let him know I'm here.
HEAD VILLAGER
We... don't have carrier ravens.
CAMILLA
I am shocked.
(she's not)
HEAD VILLAGER
We send him our messages via our monthly cheese deliveries. We inscribe them on our cheese rinds.
CAMILLA
Of course you do. Well, better hop to it then.
It will only take, what?, two days to reach his estate?
HEAD VILLAGER
Three, most likely. Our cows move very slowly.
CAMILLA
We'll be on our way tomorrow, so they'd better hurry.
Take us to your inn, we require a place to spend the night.
HEAD VILLAGER
We're a very small and inconsequential village. No one ever comes through here, well except for you all, evidently.
That is to say, we don't have an inn.
CAMILLA
Sir Peerless will be very upset to hear you forced his betrothed to sleep out of doors. In the elements. At the mercy of marauding orc mercenaries.
HEAD VILLAGER
No, um, I'll- I'll let you sleep in my house. And before you say anything, I'll sleep outside.
CAMILLA
Perfect.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
SCENE 3. INT. HEAD VILLAGERS' HOUSE.
SOUND: The door opens. The Companions walk in, expect for Keanu.
CAMILLA
Well. This is depressing. No wonder that man is so miserable.
GILBERT
I don't know. Reminds me of my parents' home.
FAENDYR
That is so sad.
BIANKA
Hey Stretch? Your privilege is showing.
FAENDYR
It's not privilege, it's good taste.
KEANU
(from outside)
Hey guys, what about me?
GILBERT
Can you fit through the door?
KEANU
I'm not a big fan of the indoors since that vampire, like, tried to eat me.
FAENDYR
In that case, see you in the morning, sleep tight.
SOUND: DOOR CLOSES.
KEANU
(voice muffled by the door)
Um yeah okay.
COLIN
Make yourself comfortable, everyone. I'll get the cheese!
KEANU
(muffled)
Hey bud, can I have some too?
SOUND: Colin runs and opens a cupboard. Maybe the sound of him running back and forth and getting dishes and wheels of cheese.
CAMILLA
Colin? You seem very familiar with this home.
COLIN
This was my family's house!
EVERYONE
(wtf)
BIANKA
Are you sure?
COLIN
Right here is the crawlspace my siblings would lock me in. See?
SOUND: small door opening
COLIN
This space and I spent a lot of time together.
CAMILLA
Your siblings locked you in a cupboard?!
GILBERT
You're an only child, huh?
COLIN
And they pulled my hair and called me all sorts of cruel names! Even the babies.
KEANU
(muffled)
That's horrible, little dude.
COLIN
It's alright! That's how I learned to talk to rodents! And my whole family are long dead and rotted, so who has the last laugh now, hm?
KEVIN
*squeaking in agreement*
EVERYONE ELSE
(yikes)
KEANU
(muffled)
Hey guys? ... Guys? I'm lonely.
COLIN
Here!
SOUND: Window opens
COLIN
You can stick your head in through this window!
KEANU
Oh! Niiiiiice!
(now inside)
'Sup, my dudes?
BIANKA
Wait... so if you learned to talk to mice while you were locked in the cupboard, does that mean you talking to animals isn't magic then?
GILBERT
I'm around horses all the time and I can't speak their language.
COLIN
Have you tried, though?
GILBERT
Well, no.
CAMILLA
Speaking of magic.
Faendyr, I believe you have some things to explain.
FAENDYR
(nervous)
Ha ha... yeah.
GILBERT
What did the Empress mean by crimes against the Imperium?
FAENDYR
Let me explain... No... let me sum up. Well, actually, it'd be better if I--
CAMILLA
The short version, please.
FAENDYR
Basically? I'm...
COLIN
It's okay, you can tell us! You'll feel better when you do.
FAENDYR
I'm... a fraud.
No, Colin, I feel worse.
CAMILLA
I knew it! I knew you had no idea what you were doing!
COLIN
Do you need a hug?
FAENDYR
No, I'm---
COLIN
Hug!
FAENDYR
Thanks Colin.
COLIN
You're welcome.
FAENDYR
I'm not a total liar. I just... never actually graduated.
CAMILLA
Oh my gods.
BIANKA
What's the big deal? I never completed school.
COLIN
And I still don't know what a schools is!
CAMILLA
Faendyr was hired by my father to be his official Master of the Arcane Arts. It is an incredibly prestigious position. Anyone who claims that title must have spent at least a quarter of a century of study at The Mage's College.
GILBERT
How many years did you complete?
FAENDYR
Ummm...
GILBERT
Twenty?
FAENDYR
Nooo...
GILBERT
Ten??
FAENDYR
Less?
GILBERT
Oh my gods, five?!
FAENDYR
One, actually.
KEANU
Niiiiiiiice! You only need one year?!
CAMILLA
My father trusted you!
GILBERT
What happened?
FAENDYR
I fully intended to graduate, I really did! But... then I kind of burnt down a wing of the College? Accidentally.
KEANU
I understand. An "accident".
FAENDYR
No, it was an accident.
KEANU
(wink)
Of course. Sure.
FAENDYR
One of my responsibilities as a first year student was ironing the professors' robes. I thought ironing would be a lot easier if I used steam instead. You know, putting my enterprising mind to good use.
CAMILLA
Uh huh.
FAENDYR
And I may have accidentally cast a fireball when I meant to cast a simple candle spell and... set the robes on fire?
GILBERT
They are very flammable.
FAENDYR
They really are.
And then the rest of the room caught on fire...
KEANU
Oohh mannnn!
FAENDYR
And then the whole dorm wing. And well, so on. So, I, uh... just kind of expelled myself?
BIANKA
You fled the scene?
FAENDYR
... Yes.
GILBERT
So that's your crime?
FAENDYR
Um... no. You know my grimoire? ... My magic book, Gil.
GILBERT
I knew what you meant.
(he didn't)
FAENDYR
Here, Camilla, you read Elvish.
SOUND: He slides the book across the table. Camilla opens it.
CAMILLA
"Textbook for Magic 101... Property of the Library at The Mages' College." This is a textbook?
FAENDYR
A library rental, specifically.
CAMILLA
So, you ran away from home with a stolen library book and showed up at my father's court calling yourself an arcane specialist with decades of training.
FAENDYR
Centuries, actually. Go big or go home, right?
BIANKA
You're not helping yourself, bud.
FAENDYR
And I didn't go straight to Kirkland. I did spend a couple years claiming to be an Elvish prince who'd fallen on hard times.
BIANKA
Oh man.
FAENDYR
Which isn't entirely a lie! And in terms of the court mage thing, Alfred didn't ask for any references. I mean, that's just basic hiring practices right there, so this is kind of his fault if you think about it.
CAMILLA
This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
FAENDYR
Really? You were there when your father started an international incident over some chickens.
GILBERT
Can we not bring the Chicken Affair into this?
FAENDYR
Are you going to tell your dad?
CAMILLA
I haven't decided yet.
FAENDYR
I did save our lives.
CAMILLA
From a situation that you created!
FAENDYR
That's fair.
GILBERT
Alright Bianka. Your turn. Who do you work for?
BIANKA
They're called the Keepers.
FAENDYR
Wait... I've heard of them.
BIANKA
Really? How?
FAENDYR
Honestly, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.
GILBERT
The Keepers?
BIANKA
They are obsessed with secrecy.
People like me, Seekers, collect Unholy Relics. That's as far as my responsibilities go. I don't know what happens next, that's way above my pay grade. But I do know that they think keeping Relics out of the hands of mages will prevent another Demon War.
FAENDYR
(it's all making sense now)
Ooooh.
UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH
They believe they can control the fate of their dimension. Fools.
FAENDYR
Shhh, Fleshy!
GILBERT
Are you talking to your staff?
UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH
They are like ants striving to divert the flow of a river.
FAENDYR
... No. Sorry, go on Bianka.
BIANKA
The person I report to is called the Inquisitor. But they're not calling the shots. That's the Inquisitor General, and no one ever sees them.
UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH
They believe by cowering in the shadows they can save themselves.
BIANKA
Listen- that's really all I know. And the less you go asking around, the better. As far as they're concerned, the ends justify the means. I mean, you met Olivier.
GILBERT
He threatened Colin. That's why we fought.
BIANKA
They don't really care what they have to do to get the Relics. But they're good at what they do.
GILBERT
Unlike us.
BIANKA
Well, I mean, they're...
GILBERT
Competent?
BIANKA
Yeah? No offense.
FAENDYR
I for one fully accept our shortcomings. Competent is not a word that I would use to describe us.
KEANU
I, like, died and came back as a magical horse though? So I mean, I feel like I came out ahead.
CAMILLA
And I have a duchy now.
KEANU
Yeah, the Princess and I are doing fine, thanks.
BIANKA
My assignment was to extricate the Consumer of Flesh from the museum.
Obviously, we all know how that went.
GILBERT
Why did you decide to help us?
BIANKA
Honestly? I don't know. Morbid curiosity? I was bored? Listen. I know how this looks, I'm not an idiot. The Keepers were just my ticket out of my old life. Which wasn't super, by the way. Money is money. For a lot of us in this world, we have to get it however we can. We can't be cute about it. Scruples don't pay the rent.
FAENDYR
Exactly.
CAMILLA
You stay out of this.
BIANKA
I can fix this.
I know where the Hungering Band is. Keeper Richard-- that jerk who took the Relic-- he and I were meeting up with a mage who would transport us to headquarters. Tomorrow, it'll be at the gate to Jade Reach.
CAMILLA
Why are you still helping us?
BIANKA
Isn't it obvious?
CAMILLA
I need more than that.
BIANKA
You guys are going on a crazy convoluted fetch quest all around the continent just to help a friend. That means a lot to me.
FAENDYR
I think there's a little more to it than that. At least for some of us. Right, Gil?
GILBERT
What?
FAENDYR
Something you want to share with the group?
GILBERT
... No?
CAMILLA
Alright. Let's talk logistics. Bianka, what weakenss do Richard and this mage have?
UXELLODUNON, CONSUMER OF FLESH
Do you really trust the dwarf? Do you think she has your interests at heart?
FAENDYR
Wait, wait, wait. So that's it? We're all just cool with Bianka basically stabbing us in the back?
BIANKA
I came clean. What more do you want?
FAENDYR
This isn't some mechanical device you can just fix by turning a couple gears.
How do we know this isn't a trap and she's still working for the Keepers and lying to us so she can bring Fleshy to them?
GILBERT
Please stop calling it that.
BIANKA
Truth be told? You don't.
CAMILLA
I trust her.
FAENDYR
Of course you do.
CAMILLA
What's that supposed to mean?
FAENDYR
You have a dwarf-shaped blind spot!
CAMILLA
I will remind you that you are speaking to the Crown Princess of Kirkland. The Crown Princess who will decide if her father needs to know that his court mage is a fraud.
FAENDYR
Fine. We'll give Bianka a chance to prove herself. But I swear to the gods if she's still lying...
BIANKA
I'm not.
FAENDYR
Okay then.
BIANKA
Okay.
FAENDYR
Fine.
BIANKA
Good.
FAENDYR
Good!
BIANKA
Okay.
FAENDYR
Great.
(awkward pause. Keanu clears his throat.)
KEANU
Hey, um... this is probably a bad time, but I, like, never got any of that cheese?
TRANSITION
SCENE 4. EXT. ENTRANCE TO JADE REACH.
A sense of a wide, open space at some elevation. Same as episode 3.
SOUND: Portal
FAENDYR
Well. Here we are.
KEANU
Where is here?
COLIN
Oh! This is where the giant metal giant lives!
SOUND: The companions walk out of the portal.
BIANKA
You know, Stretch, it's too bad you didn't figure out how to cast portals like a month ago.
KEANU
Yeah, that would have saved us like a ton of walking.
SOUND: Portal closes.
FAENDYR
If you keep complaining you can walk all the way back to Kirkland.
BIANKA
Keeper Richard should be meeting up with Keeper Waelynn at any moment. I'll distract them, while you all stay out of sight.
Then Faendyr shoots some fireballs and Gil looks scary, and I'll make off with the Relic. Then we all portal back to the capital. The End.
GILBERT
Sounds simple enough.
FAENDYR
I'm sure we'll find a way to mess it up. I mean, just going by precedent.
KEANU
True true true.
COLIN
What do I do?
BIANKA
Stay hidden. And quiet.
COLIN
But that's boring.
BIANKA
It's a very important job.
COLIN
I'm not a baby.
SOUND: Footsteps further off.
BIANKA
There's Keeper Richard. Get down. Waelynn should be up in a minute. Stay hidden until I give the word.
GILBERT
Wait, what's the word?
KEANU
Pickles?
BIANKA
... Sure.
I'll be back.
SOUND: She walks away.
SCENE 5. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE.
SOUND: An elevator approaches.
SOUND: Dwarven gate opens.
AUTOMATON
We have arrived at the surface level. We hope you have enjoyed your visit to Jade Reach. Please come again.
KEEPER WAELYNN
Thank you for your assistance, as always.
Hello, Keeper Richard.
KEEPER RICHARD
Keeper Waelynn. I trust your mission was a success.
KEEPER WAELYNN
Just a few hiccups, but nothing I couldn't handle. And yours?
SOUND: Dwarven gate closes.
KEEPER RICHARD
I have the Relic. I am unsure of Keeper Olivier's location. He was going to collect Uxellodunon's staff, but he wasn't at the rendezvous when I left Amaranthyne. And Seeker Bianka refused to accompany me.
KEEPER WAELYNN
That's odd. Have you sent word to the Inquisitor?
KEEPER RICHARD
Not yet. I assumed it would be a better discussion to have in person.
SOUND: BIANKA walks up.
Scene 5.2
KEEPER WAELYNN
Someone's coming.
BIANKA
Hey guys.
KEEPER RICHARD
Seeker Bianka?
KEEPER WAELYNN
I thought you said she stayed in Amaranthyne.
KEEPER RICHARD
What are you doing here?
BIANKA
It's a crazy story, actually. Really convoluted. Woah. And long. So, so long.
KEEPER RICHARD
I'd like to hear it.
BIANKA
You would?
KEEPER RICHARD
Very much.
BIANKA
Um. I doubt Keeper Waelynn wants to...
KEEPER WAELYNN
I don't mind.
BIANKA
Ummmm are you sure? I mean, it's loooong. Super long. And kind of weird, honestly?
KEEPER WAELYNN
We don't have to be back until vespers. And I love a good story.
BIANKA
Haha. Um. Okay. Well... Picture this: Inquistor sends me to Jade Reach. So, I start my day with a nice healthy breakfast. I've tried the new omletes, but just the egg white. Okay but anyway, moving on. I get to Jade Reach....
SCENE 6. EXT. FURTHER BACK.
SOUND: Bianka spinning a tale in the distance.
FAENDYR
Well, Gil. This is the last thing we need to get Rodney out of that root.
GILBERT
Yeah.
FAENDYR
Are you excited?
GILBERT
Anxious more than anything if I'm honest.
FAENDYR
Really?
GILBERT
I mean, we don't know for sure if it will work.
CAMILLA
Or if he's even still alive...
GILBERT
And if it does work... well, it's complicated.
CAMILLA
What's going on over there?
KEANU
Uhhhhh, looks like she's still talking.
CAMILLA
Still? What's taking so long?
GILBERT
Come on Bianka, just grab the relic...
FAENDYR
Hold on. Are we supposed to distract them so she can grab it?
GILBERT
Maybe?
KEANU
Wait no- did she say the word?
COLIN
I don't know, what was the word?
KEANU
I don't know. Wait, wasn't it pickles?
COLIN
Or was it "sure"?
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
No, that wasn't it.
CAMILLA
Oh my gods.
BIANKA
(in the distance)
PICKLES!
GILBERT
Wait, did she say something?
FAENDYR
Maybe?
BIANKA
(louder)
PICKLES!
CAMILLA
I think she did.
KEANU
Was it "pickles" or "sure"?
BIANKA
PICKLES! FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, PICKLES!!!
FAENDYR
She said pickles.
GILBERT
Oh, fungus!
SCENE 7. EXT. BY THE ENTRANCE.
KEEPER WAELYNN
Are you alright, Bianka?
KEEPER RICHARD
Stop. What's that? Over there by that outcropping.
KEEPER WAELYNN
Is that a unicorn?
BIANKA
It's probably just a mountain goat.
KEEPER WAELYNN
Are those people? Behind that rock.
BIANKA
It looks like a mage and a warrior. And...
(Notices Colin; annoyed sigh)
Oh my gods. Is that a gnome?
COLIN
(in the distance)
Roar!
GILBERT
(in the distance)
No, Colin!
BIANKA
Wow. They look like bad news. You should probably go. I'll take care of them.
KEEPER RICHARD
A moment. Isn't that the knight you were with, Bianka?
BIANKA
Uhhhh. No?
KEEPER RICHARD
It looks just like him.
BIANKA
I mean all humans look the same.
KEEPER WAELYNN
They really do.
KEEPER RICHARD
No. It's him. I'm positive.
BIANKA
It can't be.
KEEPER WAELYNN
Hold on. That mage has a relic.
KEEPER RICHARD
Bianka, isn't that the Consumer of Flesh?
BIANKA
Fungus. Uhhhh. Maybe? Stay here. I'll... be back.
SOUND: BIANKA RUNS AT BREAKNECK SPEED
KEEPER WAELYNN
What's going on?
SCENE 8. BOULDERS
SOUND: Bianka is running towards them
GILBERT
Wait, why is she running towards us? This is part of the plan, right?
KEANU
Wow. She's fast. I mean, considering.
FAENDYR
Should we do something?
SOUND: Bianka has arrived
BIANKA
Run!
CAMILLA
Oh f- foot and mouth.
SOUND: The companions all stand up
BIANKA
RUN YOU IDIOTS!
KEEPERS
STOP!
SOUND: The companions all start running
KEANU
We'd rather not, if that's okay!
COLIN
Where are we going?
BIANKA
I don't know, but we need to get the you know what out of here.
COLIN
I know what what?
WEALYNN
(from behind them)
Incende!
SOUND: FIREBALL
COMPANIONS
Woah!/ Ohhhh/ etc
GILBERT
Are they shooting fireballs at us?!
CAMILLA
It certainly seems like it!
BARD
And it certainly seems like the Companions have gotten themselves in a heated situation. Will they find a way to cool things down?
COMPANIONS
*groan*
BARD
Find out next time in the season finale of THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!
CREDITS
BLOOPER
ANDREW
But he wasn't at the rendevouz. Hm. Sorry. One more time.
MICHAEL
It's "U-zello-dun-on"
ANDREW
Uxellodunon. Yeah. Uxello-Lena-Dunham. Uxellodunon. Uxellodunon? Uxellodunon! Okay. Ah hem.