The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root Wiki
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SFX: A tape inserted into a deck, and the play button pressed
INTRODUCTION
 
   
 
RECAP
 
RECAP
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're gonna eat us?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 2</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no! Not the both of you</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Just you elf.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 2</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're bored with human.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
MUSIC: Theme
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!</p>
   
  +
Theme music
   
  +
'''SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.'''
BARD
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
  +
A pastoral village. Rooster, goats and other farm animals. Fittingly, a bubbling brook nearby.
   
   
   
Welcome dear listeners, to the
 
   
Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
 
   
RECAP. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE Faerie PLANE.
 
   
   
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
FAENDYR
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I must say that's the first time in my life I've actually been glad to see a tavern...<br />Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?<br />Bard, where did they go?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I believe they may have been abducted by fairies.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
You're going to eat us?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keep your job as a bard, you make a poor jester.</p>
FAERIE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not in jest.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Oh, no, not the both of you. We're
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I think you're an unreliable narrator.</p>
bored with human.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(calling:)</p>
FAERIE 2
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I demand you show yourselves!</p>
Just you, elf!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:start;">''Footsteps in the grass as the Head Villager approaches''</p>
FAIRIES
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
(giggling)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(from further away)</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling Brook!</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Finally, a welcoming party.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What brings you to our humble village?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're not bowing.</p>
Fantastic.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't you know who I am?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
SOUND: TRANSITION
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Should I?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, duh.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress she is someone of great wealth...?</p>
   
  +
''The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE''
SOUND: Same environment as previous episode.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(singing)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''She's the crown princess... Crown Princess of Kirkland--''</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes yes. That's quite enough.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
I must say that's the first time in
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, my apologies, your majesty!</p>
my life I've actually been glad to
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
see a tavern...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You are forgiven.</p>
Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
Bard, where did they go?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We don't normally get you royal-types around here. Truth be told, we don't get much of anyone.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I can see why. Who is in charge here?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">In charge?</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What noble lord commands your village?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
I believe they may have been
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we're vassals of Lord Peerless--</p>
abducted by fairies.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Mmm, Peerless.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh. Peerless.</p>
Keep your job as a bard, you make a
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
poor jester.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">They're engaged.</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
I'm not in jest.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're a lucky woman. He is the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. And rather handsome too.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">His face is... symmetrical enough, I suppose. I find him intolerable.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
Well, I think you're an unreliable
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Young love. Beautiful.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
narrator.
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But while we are his vassals, Lord Peerless lets us manage the village ourselves.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course he does.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We choose one of our own in bi-yearly elections to decide who will represent the village in any political matters, and we vote on any major projects for the village.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
(MORE)
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No wonder nothing gets done. Well! I am crown princess and future queen. I now declare you my vassals.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You can't do that... can you?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Call a hearing or whatever it is you do, I must speak to the village.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I... very well.</p>
   
  +
''The head villager starts to WALK AWAY''
1 1
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh uh... don't turn your back to me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's very rude to turn your back to the Crown Princess. Walk backwards.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, your majesty.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
''He awkardly walks away''
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Forgive my boldness, Princess, but what in the infernal plane are you doing?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My so-called companions think they can abandon me. My father thinks I'm not ready for leadership. Well, I'll show them all that I am more than capable on my own.<br />You know, this is fun! I'm so glad I left the castle.</p>
  +
SFX: Hapsicord transition
   
  +
'''SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.'''
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
A door slams opens and Alfred comes running into the room
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I need you!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm right here, your majesty.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(startled)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Don't sneak up on me Willis!</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, your majesty.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your footsteps are far too quiet. In the future, please wear one of those little cat collars with a bell.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(long suffering sigh)</p>
2.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hm. Where was I?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
CAMILLA (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The princess, sire.</p>
(calling:)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, of course.<br />She's gone, Willis! Gone!</p>
demand you show yourselves!
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I believe she left the castle to join the Companions of the Root on their journey.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She what?! But I told her not to!</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You did indeed, sire.</p>
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS on grass approach
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And she ignored me?!</p>
(from further away)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It would seem so, sire.</p>
Brook.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But... but...! I commanded her not to! I'm the KING, she has to do what I say.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course, sire. As you say.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
CAMILLA
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And it's dangerous outside of the castle grounds! What if she sees a peasant? They are the worst.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">They are entirely too pathetic, your majesty.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know I think they catch plagues just to spite me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That sounds likely, sire.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
Finally, a welcoming party.
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She's gotten too headstrong. Where did I go wrong?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's difficult to pin it on one particular instance, sire. There are so very ''many''.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps I should have let her keep her dragon?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
SOUND: The FOOTSTEPS end as the Head Villager has approached
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps. Though the servants were a bit... distracted by their co-workers being stalked and disemboweled in the hallways, sire.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And all that blood was starting to stain the upstairs tapestries. It was embarrassing when we had guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-stained tapestries.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">As you say, sire. If you would permit me, do you wish to have her returned?</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The dragon?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
What brings you to our humble
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Her ''highness'', sire.</p>
village?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whom shall I send for?</p>
You're not bowing.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Willis, this is a job for my best knight! Bring me Lord Peerless the Exceptional!</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.'''
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
  +
Strangle bells ring in the air. 
   
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
I'm sorry?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You want to eat me?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, yes!</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
Don't you know who I am?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very much!</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And that's not like some weird faerie thing? You want to actually kill me, cook my body parts, and then eat my flesh?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
Should I?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no! There must be some mistake.</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Uh, duh.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank the gods!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're not going to cook you! We will consume your flesh raw, of course.</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, "Of course." Fantastic.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me, little faerie...</p>
she is someone of great wealth...?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(she giggles)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">please don't touch me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
SOUND: The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I like you.</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
(singing)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my leg. Please?</p>
She's the crown princess... Crown
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 2</p>
Princess of Kirkland--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Come, come, friends! We'll take you to the kitchens.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Waitwaitwait! I demand parley!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIES</p>
Yes yes. That's quite enough.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(chittering among themselves)</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Parsley? / Why does it want parsley? / Isn't that a plant?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Par''ley''! I am an Elven Prince. My family has ruled over the Imperium for thousands of years. I demand you bring me to your Queen!</p>
Oh, my apologies, your majesty!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh!</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 4''''''. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.'''
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
''SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK among themselves. ''
You are forgiven.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings... You! Stop ringing that bell!</p>
   
  +
''They stop.''
Ep 2 Scene 1
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh thank the gods. Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling Spring--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Rippling ''Brook''!</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever. It is I, your Queen.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Queen?</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I thought we had a king?</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Did he die?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not yet.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am the Crown Princess Camilla, heir to the throne of Kirkland. I have blessed your village with my patronage. You are now my vassals. I accept your thanks.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 3</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks for what?</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have to say, this is going better than I thought it would.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am on a vitally important quest. However, coming across your village in my travels, I have decided to delay my plans. Under my leadership, this village shall transform from a dull place where dreams go to die, into a quaint and bucolic village that will be the envy of the kingdom.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I really think we should clear this with Lord Peerless--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Forget Peerless.</p>
3.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But when we had that famine two years ago he personally brought us food from his own pantries to keep us alive.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CHILD VILLAGER</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He got my cat Fluffkins out of a tree!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FLUFFIKNIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Meow.</p>
We don't normally get you royal-
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
types around here. Truth be told,
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And that time--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''Forget Lord Peerless''! We shall begin by repainting --</p>
we don't get much of anyone.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Yes, I can see why. Who is in
 
 
charge here?
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
In charge?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
What noble lord commands your
 
 
village?
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
Well, we're vassals of Lord
 
 
Peerless--
 
 
BARD
 
 
Mmm, Peerless.
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
Ugh. Peerless.
 
 
BARD
 
 
They're engaged.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
You're a lucky woman. He is the
 
 
most eligible bachelor in the
 
 
kingdom. And rather handsome too.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
His face is symmetrical enough, I
 
 
suppose. I find him intolerable.
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
Young love. Beautiful.
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
But while we are his vassals, Lord
 
 
Peerless lets us manage the village
 
 
ourselves.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
Of course he does.
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
We choose one of our own in bi-
 
 
yearly elections to decide who will
 
 
 
 
represent the village in any
 
 
political matters, and we vote on
 
 
any major projects for the village.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 1
 
 
 
 
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4.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
No wonder nothing gets done. Well!
 
 
I am crown princess and future
 
 
queen. I now declare you my
 
 
vassals.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
You can't do that... can you?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Call a hearing or whatever it is
 
 
you do, I must speak to the
 
 
village.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
I... very well.
 
 
 
 
SOUND: The head villager starts to WALK AWAY
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Uh uh... don't turn your back to
 
 
me.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
Excuse me?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
It's very rude to turn your back
 
 
to the Crown Princess. Walk
 
 
backwards.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
Yes, your majesty.
 
 
SOUND: Awkward footsteps
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
Forgive my boldness, Princess, but
 
 
what in the infernal plane are you
 
 
doing?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
My so-called companions think they
 
 
can abandon me. My father thinks
 
 
I'm not ready for leadership. Well,
 
 
I'll show them all that I am more
 
 
than capable on my own.
 
 
You know, this is fun! I'm so glad
 
 
I left the castle.
 
 
SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
 
 
SOUND: Alfred comes charging into the room. A door slams
 
 
open, and he gets louder as he comes closer
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 1
 
 
2 2
 
 
 
 
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<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
5.
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left
 
 
the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE
 
 
YOU? I need you!
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
I'm right here, your majesty.
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
(startled)
 
 
O! Don't sneak up on me Willis!
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
Yes, your majesty.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
Your footsteps are far too quiet.
 
 
In the future, please wear one of
 
 
those little cat collars with a
 
 
bell.
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
(long suffering sigh)
 
 
Yes, sire.
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
Hm. Where was I?
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
The princess, sire.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
Oh, of course. She's gone, Willis!
 
 
Gone!
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
I believe she left the castle to
 
 
join the Companions of the Root on
 
 
their journey.
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
She what?! But I told her not to!
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
You did indeed, sire.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
And she ignored me?!
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
It would seem so, sire.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
But... but...! I commanded her not
 
 
to! I'm the KING, she has to do
 
 
what I say.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 2
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
6.
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
Of course, sire. As you say.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
And it's dangerous outside of the
 
 
castle grounds! What if she sees a
 
 
peasant? They are the worst.
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
They are entirely too pathetic,
 
 
your majesty.
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
You know I think they catch plagues
 
 
just to spite me.
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
That sounds likely, sire.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
She's gotten too headstrong. Where
 
 
did I go wrong?
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
It's difficult to pin it on one
 
 
particular instance, sire. There
 
 
are so very many.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
Perhaps I should have let her keep
 
 
her dragon?
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
Perhaps. Though the servants were a
 
 
bit distracted by their co-workers
 
 
being stalked and disemboweled in
 
 
the hallways, sire.
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
And all that blood was starting to
 
 
stain the upstairs tapestries. It
 
 
was embarrassing when we had
 
 
 
 
guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-
 
 
stained tapestries.
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
 
 
As you say, sire. If you would
 
 
permit me, do you wish to have her
 
 
returned?
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
The dragon?
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
Her highness, sire.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 2
 
 
 
 
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<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
7.
 
 
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.
 
 
 
 
WILLIS
 
 
Whom shall I send for?
 
 
KING ALFRED
 
 
 
 
Willis, this is a job for my best
 
 
knight! Bring me... Lord Peerless
 
 
the Exceptional!
 
 
 
 
MUSICAL TRANSITION
 
 
 
 
SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.
 
 
SOUND: Same environment as previous episode.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
You want to eat me?
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
 
 
Oh, yes!
 
 
 
 
CREEPY FAERIE
 
 
 
 
Very much.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
And that's not like some weird
 
 
Faerie thing? You want to actually
 
 
kill me, cook my body parts, and
 
 
then eat my flesh?
 
 
FAERIE 1
 
 
 
 
Oh no! There must be some mistake.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Thank the gods.
 
 
FAERIE 1
 
 
 
 
We're not going to cook you. We
 
 
will consume your flesh raw, of
 
 
course.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
Of course. Fantastic.
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Excuse me, little Faerie... please
 
 
don't touch me.
 
 
 
 
CREEPY FAERIE
 
 
 
 
I like you.
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my
 
 
leg. Please?
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 2
 
 
3 3
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
8.
 
 
 
 
FAERIE 2
 
 
 
 
Come, come, friends! We'll take you
 
 
to the kitchens.
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
Wait! I demand parley!
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
(chittering among
 
 
themselves)
 
 
Parsley? / Why does it want
 
 
parsley? / Isn't that a plant?
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Parley! I am an Elven Prince. My
 
 
family has ruled over the Imperium
 
 
for thousands of years. I demand
 
 
you bring me to your Queen!
 
 
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
 
 
Oooooooh!
 
 
 
 
SCENE 4. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.
 
 
SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK amongst themselves
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Hello! You- stop ringing that bell.
 
 
 
 
SOUND: It stops.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA (CONT’D)
 
 
 
 
Thank the gods.
 
 
Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling
 
 
Spring.
 
 
 
 
VILLAGER 1
 
 
 
 
Brook!
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Whatever. It is I, your Queen.
 
 
 
 
VILLAGER 1
 
 
 
 
Queen?
 
 
 
 
VILLAGER 2
 
 
I thought we had a king.
 
 
VILLAGER 1
 
 
 
 
Did he die?
 
 
BARD
 
 
Not yet...
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 3
 
 
4 4
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
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<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
9.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
I am the Crown Princess Camilla,
 
 
heir to the throne of Kirkland. I
 
 
have blessed your village with my
 
 
patronage. You are now my vassals.
 
 
I accept your thanks.
 
 
VILLAGER 3
 
 
Thanks for what?
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
I have to say, this is going better
 
 
than I thought it would.
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
I am on a vitally important quest.
 
 
However, coming across your village
 
 
in my travels, I have decided to
 
 
delay my plans. Under my
 
 
leadership, this village shall
 
 
transform from a dull place where
 
 
dreams go to die, into a quaint and
 
 
bucolic village that will be the
 
 
envy of the kingdom.
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
I really think we should clear this
 
 
with Lord Peerless--
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
Forget Peerless.
 
 
VILLAGER 4
 
 
 
 
But when we had that famine two
 
 
years ago he personally brought us
 
 
foodstuffs from his own pantries to
 
 
keep us alive.
 
 
 
 
CHILD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
He got my cat Fluffkins out of a
 
 
tree!
 
 
SOUND: Cat MEOW
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
And that time--
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
Forget Lord Peerless!
 
 
We shall begin by repainting --
 
 
 
   
 
SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN
 
SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sir!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What is it?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">A band of mercenaries is coming this way!</p>
Sir!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL VILLAGERS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(concerned murmuring)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Ep 2 Scene 4
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am your queen, you will provide all updates to me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh... A band of mercenaries is coming this way... um, your majesty. They appear to all be orcs. And they're heavily armed.</p>
10.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS
  +
(more concerned murmuring)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no! Not orcs!</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">This sounds problematic.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
What is it?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You think?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I think. Ready the militia.</p>
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 3</p>
A band of mercenaries is coming
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We don't have a militia.</p>
this way!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You don't have a militia?!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
ALL VILLAGERS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're a small, inconsequential village and there hasn't been a war in over a generation.</p>
(concerned murmuring)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The War of the Trance Worm!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I know what the last war was.</p>
I am your queen, you will provide
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
all updates to me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why would we waste time training when we could be farming?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You do it in the winter when there's no planting or harvesting going on, you sentient floorboard!</p>
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
Uh... A band of mercenaries is
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(deeply offended)</p>
coming this way... um, your
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We make artisanal cheeses during the winter!</p>
majesty. They appear to all be
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
orcs. And they're heavily armed.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have anything that can be used as weapons?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Weapons...?</p>
VILLAGERS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
(more concerned murmuring)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, weapons! Any swords or... pointy sticks?</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
This sounds problematic.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We have shovels.</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(mutters of agreement)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
You think?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a shovel. And you better pray to whatever lower-pantheon god or river-spirit who looks over this hovel.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That would be Barthol--</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't care who it is! Just. ''DO''. IT!</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 5''''''. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.'''
Yes, I think. Ready the militia.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your majesty! You sent for me?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
VILLAGER 3
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You arrived very quickly, Lord Peerless. With almost superhuman speed, I must say!</p>
We don't have a militia.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am ever at your service, my king.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Now this guy, Willis, ''he ''knows how to serve his king.</p>
You don't have a militia?!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(resentful)</p>
We're a small, inconsequential
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.</p>
village and there hasn't been a war
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
in over a generation.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My king is too kind. I am but your humble servant.</p>
VILLAGER 4
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
The War of the Trance Worm!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And some day my son-in-law!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Some day soon, I hope!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS</p>
Yes, yes I know what the last war
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing)</p>
was.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing turns awkward)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking of your future marriage, your bird has flown the coop, so to speak.</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Princess Camilla? My betrothed! Nooooooooo-</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
Why would we waste time training
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh dear. It's okay.</p>
when we could be farming?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">oooooooooooooooo! Oh, Betroathed! </p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(clears his throat then contines as if his previous outburst hadn't happened)</p>
Ep 2 Scene 4
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I will personally slaughter anyone who has laid hands upon her! Where has she been taken?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
11.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, she hasn't been ''taken'', per se. She ran away.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">With all due respect to your majesty, a jewel as precious and beautiful as the crown princess must be kept under lock and key.</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, well, you know. Princesses, what are you going to do?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
You do it in the winter when
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">When we are wed, I shall keep her under my supervision at all times. She will never leave the castle- nay, her rooms- without my permission. No one shall lay eyes on her without first going through me.</p>
there's no planting or harvesting
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
going on, you sentient floorboard!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And I'm sure she'll ''love'' that. But let's not put the royal carriage before the royal horse. Lord Peerless, I need you to return Princess Camilla to me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It will be my greatest honor, my king.I will brave any peril to bring my betrothed back under our watchful eye. I will cross any river, conquer any mountain and crush any ''one'' and any ''thing'' that stands between us.</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
(deeply offended)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(yikes)</p>
We make artisanal cheeses during
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's... great. Willis?</p>
the winter.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She was likely following Sir--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No no, don't tell me! It's more enjoyable of a hunt for me if you don't tell me where my prey has flown. Your majesty, I will take my humble leave. Rest assured, the princess will be returned to you posthaste.</p>
Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have
 
   
  +
''Peerless strides out''
anything that can be used as
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
weapons?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Okay, bye bye, see you later!</p>
   
  +
''The DOORS CLOSE''
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
VILLAGER 1
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, what a guy...</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.</p>
Weapons...?
 
   
  +
'''SCENE 6''''''. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.'''
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
A manic, laughing party in the distance, but with a creepy, otherworldly quality.
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're Imperium royalty?</p>
Yes, weapons! Any swords or...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
pointy sticks?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, sort of.</p>
VILLAGER 2
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
We have shovels.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing working for King Alfred--</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's a long story.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My Queen! Our dinner requires parsley!</p>
shovel. And you better pray to
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
whatever lower-pantheon god or
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why do you interrupt our revels?</p>
river-spirit who looks over this
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
hovel.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Our dinner has demanded parsley.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.</p>
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
That would be Barthol--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PAR-''LEY''!!</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why is there a human with our dinner?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
I don't care who it is! Just. DO.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">To be honest I have no idea.</p>
IT!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's my friend.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
SCENE 5. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What is your name?</p>
SOUND: Same environment as before.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
SOUND: The DOORS OPEN, Peerless APPROACHES. He is the
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um. Beargil.</p>
stereotypical image of a knight. Tall, strong and handsome.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
You can envision him slaying dragons and rescuing swooning
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fascinating, is that Elven?</p>
ladies without so much as breaking a sweat.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh for the gods' sakes.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I believe it is.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beargil, is that a talisman?</p>
Your majesty! You sent for me?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Pardon?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That small stick in a holster around your neck. Does it protect you from the unfailing gaze of the punishing moons?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Um, it's a root actually. It's kind of a long story. Just curious, can you undo a spell that turned a human into a root?</p>
You arrived very quickly, Lord
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
Peerless. With almost superhuman
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No.</p>
speed, I must say!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, okay, nevermind.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
Ep 2 Scene 4
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We could turn the root into a fish, if you desire.</p>
5 5
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no no that would be even less convenient, it's fine. Sorry to bother you.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
12.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic, so glad that's worked out. Are we going to parley or what?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, elf. We grant you parley. Say what you will. You are to be the main dish for our feast under the full moons this eve. It is a great honor. The greatest honor that can be bestowed in our realms, in fact.</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, and I am ''super'' honored. But I'm afraid you can't eat me. I am an Elven Prince of the Imperium. Killing me would provoke an interdimensional incident as not seen since the Demon War.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
I am ever at your service, my king.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My people have magicks, Fae. They will hunt you through all thirteen dimensions if any harm comes to me. Besides, I'm probably really stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I like gamey meat!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
Now this guy, Willis, he knows how
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, elf. We have no desire to cause war between our peoples. We shall make other... preparations for our feast. Now leave us to our revels before we change our minds.</p>
to serve his king.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
WILLIS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Aw, man / But I'm hungry!</p>
(resentful)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
Yes, sire.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I want you to have this. It's my favorite mummified finger.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(gross)</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(evil laughter)</p>
My king is too kind. I am but your
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
humble servant.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(duh)</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't thank them! ''That's ''the third one! I ''knew ''there was a third rule.</p>
(laughing)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
And some day my son-in-law!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beargil, you now owe us.</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
(laughing)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I do?</p>
Some day soon, I hope!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We may not be able to eat your royal elven friend, but in return for your thanks, you will spend the rest of eternity here by our side.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's a bit much, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.</p>
(laughing)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
KING ALFRED (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We do not have "feelings." And look around you. There's a half horse, half orc making cupcakes with a skeleton. You were brought here because we wanted to eat your companion. This whole place is a "bit much."</p>
(laughing turns awkward)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And that orc-horse is ''jacked''.</p>
of your future marriage, your bird
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC-HORSE</p>
has flown the coop, so to speak.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*a very deep, manly neigh*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">How much can you press?</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm sorry?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
The Princess Camilla? My betrothed!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Mmmmmm... Lemme check...</p>
   
  +
Sound: Faendyr gets out a book. Paper flipping
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Nooooooooo-
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, you're good.</p>
PEERLESS (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You had a book the whole time and you couldn't look up the third rule?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
Oooooooooooooooooo!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I got nervous and I forgot about it, okay?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods. Sorry.</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Majestic and completely fair and not all that rash Queen, my apologies. Being a stranger in your lands I am not fully aware of your customs and the implications of my completely innocuous words.</p>
Oh dear. No, it's-- it's
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
okay.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You seek to sway our decision. Unlike in your mortal lands, here in the Seelie Court every action you take has consequences. And we do not steer course from our traditions.</p>
PEERLESS (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
I will personally slaughter anyone
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your majesty--</p>
who has laid hands upon her! Where
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
has she been taken?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Silence, human! We are not finished.</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We may not be merciful, but we are not... inflexible. We cannot break the rules that govern our Court, but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let us offer you an exchange. A life for a life?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(chanting)</p>
Well, she hasn't been taken, per
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Life for a life! Life for a life!</p>
se. She ran away.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hang on! Time out.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You may take a moment to consider, but remember, time moves differently in this realm.</p>
With all due respect, your majesty,
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
a jewel as precious and beautiful
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
as the crown princess must be kept
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't want to stay here, F-- uh, Gil.</p>
under lock and key.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic, great, then just say yes!</p>
Ep 2 Scene 5
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But I don't want to kill an innocent Faerie or whatever weird, evil thing they want me to do so we can leave.</p>
13.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You kill people for a living.</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I protect the kingdom for a living!</p>
Yeah, well, you know. Princesses,
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
what are you going to do?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">By killing people!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your skin is sooo soft. It will make a lovely mask.</p>
When we are wed, I shall keep her
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
under my supervision at all times.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Okay that's it.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(loudly)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We accept!</p>
She will never leave the castle-
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
nay, her rooms- without my
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(evil laugh)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wonderful!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Colin! Come here.</p>
permission. No one shall lay eyes
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
on her without first going through
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here?</p>
me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No. HERE. Where we are.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(further away)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
And I'm sure she'll love that. But
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HERE. ''HERE''! Over... no, forget it, that's fine. Bear--</p>
let's not put the royal carriage
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
before the royal horse. Lord
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(uncomfortably close)</p>
Peerless, I need you to return
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here?</p>
Princess Camilla to me.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">YES!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friends!</p>
It will be my greatest honor, my
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
king. I will brave any peril to
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hey.</p>
bring my betrothed back under our
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
watchful eye. I will cross any
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, hi.</p>
river, conquer any mountain and
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
crush any one and any thing that
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beargil, in exchange for your life, you must take that of the human child, Colin.</p>
stands between us.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!</p>
(yikes)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
That's... great. Willis?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You want me to kill a child?!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We may be a monster, but by the moons, no! We fae often... ''borrow ''mortal children to amuse our court.
WILLIS
 
  +
However, Colin has caused much trouble since he arrived, and we are unable to return him to his family. We ask that you take charge of him.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, sorry, but we're actually in the middle of a quest? And that's a lot of responsibility.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
She was likely following Sir--
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure you don't want us to just kill him?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Faen-- uh, Gil!</p>
PEERLESS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's fair, I ''am'' a lot of responsibility.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
No no, don't tell me. It's more
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That seems a bit, as Beargil says, "much," but we are unfamiliar with the ways of the Mortal Realm and frankly, you may do as you wish with the child when you are no longer in our court.</p>
enjoyable of a hunt for me if you
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
don't tell me where my prey has
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You could always just eat him instead.</p>
flown. Your majesty, I will take my
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
humble leave. Rest assured, the
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Eat... a child?! We do not eat ''children''... they are unripe! What a thing to suggest!</p>
princess will be returned to you
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
posthaste.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ewwwww.</p>
SOUND: Peerless WALKS AWAY
 
   
  +
'''SCENE 7''''''. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.'''
KING ALFRED
 
   
  +
''Outside again, same environment as before, but with the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8 orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried noises''.
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(to villagers)</p>
Okay, bye bye, see you later!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Now calm down everyone. Maybe they're just here to visit. Not all orcs are violent, you know.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why are they heavily armored then?</p>
SOUND: The DOORS CLOSE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And they have their weapons drawn.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
KING ALFRED (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe they're LARPing.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You are an idiot.</p>
What a guy...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
WILLIS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Orcs!</p>
Yes, sire.
 
   
  +
''The marching has stopped. They are confused. ''
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! You! I--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
Ep 2 Scene 5
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why is small soft human standing in way of Olfga? Olfga has business.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I demand that you stop your business.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why soft human have shovel?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's a dangerous weapon.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like when Olfga crush weak human's body and need to hide corpse underground so smell of decomposing flesh not attract dragons.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I could still hurt you with it.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is amused by small human's... how you say? Pluck.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you very much. But I demand you tell me what your business is in my village.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is head of orc mercenary band. You see my seven, strong, handsome boys?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*grumble*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It would be difficult to miss your exceptionally large and very capable-looking... boys.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oi. 'Sup.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*grumble*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys come all the way from Navakinsk to complete job in dwarf lands.</p>
14.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Sunken Kingdom?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
SCENE 6. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is no other dwarf lands in Ilsylian, so yes.</p>
SOUND: A party. Laughing, music, etc, but with a creepy,
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
otherworldly quality.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''I'' know that. I'm providing context for the audience. No need to be snippy.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
You're Imperium royalty?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">World-building is really challenging in an audio-only format.</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
Um, sort of?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But Olfga and boys have problem. Dwarves will not let strong, beautiful Navakinski orcs into their lands.</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sarcastic)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What? Why??</p>
What are you doing working for King
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Alfred in Kirkland then?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Bard?</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
It's a long story.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes?</p>
FAERIE 1
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Shut up.
  +
I know the Sunken Kingdom and Navakinsk have an adversarial history, but that's a bit xenophobic, I must say.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
My Queen! Our dinner requires
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga has accepted that these northern kingdoms are backward and behind times.</p>
parsley!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*agreement*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OFLGA</p>
SOUND: Party noises and music STOP on a jarring note,
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not like pluralistic and democratic orc societies. But Olfga digress.</p>
followed by annoyed murmuring from the guests.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">If you're headed to the Sunken Kingdom, why are you in our village? The closest entrance is accessed by the King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone out of your way.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
FAERIE QUEEN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga and boys need to kidnap some small, soft humans.</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 8''''''. INT. DANCING DONKEY.'''
   
  +
''The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few customers. From inside, we hear a HORSE approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting. Then, the DOOR OPENS.''
Why do you interrupt our revels?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS</p>
FAERIE 1
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER (TATUM)</p>
Our dinner has demanded parsley.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I like him more than a friend!</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy peasants.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER (COURTNEY)</p>
Oh my gods.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(delighted)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He ''noticed'' us!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
FAENDYR
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">To what do we owe the honor, my lord? What drink may I get you? On the house, of course.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking wayward quarry today.</p>
PAR-LEY!!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll leave you to it.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS</p>
FAERIE QUEEN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*excited murmuring*</p>
Why is there a human with our
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
dinner?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh! Let the man work!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hmm... she ''was ''here. There is her delicate boot-print. Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that attractive elf mage were also here, I can feel it. There was a great discussion. She was disguised... poorly... as a barmaid! And this-</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER (MICHAEL SILVER)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hey that's me drink.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
To be honest I have no idea.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*sniff sniff* this was the tankard from which she drank. They discussed... something. She convinced them. And then they left... together! Headed to the half-elf witch Gwendolyn, no doubt.</p>
CREEPY FAERIE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(Clapping)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER (TATUM)</p>
He's my friend.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's good, he is!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Spot on, as always, my lord! You have an almost superhuman talent for that sort of thing, I must say.</p>
FAERIE QUEEN
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SIR PEERLESS</p>
What is your name?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(charming)</p>
GILBERT
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I am very good.</p>
Um. Beargil.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But I could have just told you her royal highness and her companions had been here.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
Fascinating, is that Elven?
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
Oh for the gods' sakes.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
6 6
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
15.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
I believe it is.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
Beargil, is that a talisman?
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Pardon?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
That small stick in a holster
 
 
around your neck. Does it protect
 
 
you from the unfailing gaze of the
 
 
punishing moons?
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Oh. Um, it's a root actually? It's
 
 
kind of a long story. Just curious,
 
 
can you undo a spell that turned a
 
 
human into a root?
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
No.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Oh, okay, nevermind.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
We could turn the root into a fish,
 
 
if you desire.
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Oh no no that would be even less
 
 
convenient, it's fine. Sorry to
 
 
bother you.
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Fantastic, so glad that's worked
 
 
out. Are we going to parley or
 
 
what?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
Very well, elf. We grant you
 
 
parley. Say what you will. You are
 
 
to be the main dish for our feast
 
 
under the full moons this eve. It
 
 
is a great honor. The greatest
 
 
honor that can be bestowed in our
 
 
realms, in fact.
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Oh, and I am super honored. But I'm
 
 
afraid you can't eat me. I am an
 
 
Elven Prince of the Imperium.
 
 
Killing me would provoke an
 
 
interdimensional incident as not
 
 
seen since the Demon War.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
16.
 
 
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
 
 
Ooooh.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
My people have magicks, Fae. They
 
 
will hunt you through all thirteen
 
 
dimensions if any harm comes to me.
 
 
Besides, I'm probably really
 
 
stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.
 
 
 
 
CREEPY FAERIE
 
 
I like gamey meat.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
Very well, elf. We have no desire
 
 
to cause war between our peoples.
 
 
We shall make other... preparations
 
 
for our feast. Now leave us to our
 
 
revels before we change our minds.
 
 
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
 
 
Aw, man.
 
 
 
 
CREEPY FAERIE
 
 
 
 
Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I
 
 
want you to have this. It's my
 
 
favorite mummified finger.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
(gross)
 
 
Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.
 
 
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
(evil laughter)
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
(duh)
 
 
Don't thank them! That's the third
 
 
one! I knew there was a third rule.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Wait, what?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
Beargil, you now owe us.
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
I do?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
We may not be able to eat your
 
 
royal elven friend, but in return
 
 
for your thanks, you will spend the
 
 
rest of eternity here by our side.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
17.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
That's a bit much, I just didn't
 
 
want to hurt her feelings.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
We do not have "feelings." And look
 
 
around you. There's a half horse,
 
 
half orc making cupcakes with a
 
 
skeleton. You were brought here
 
 
because we wanted to eat your
 
 
companion. This whole place is a
 
 
"bit much."
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Woah. And that orc-horse is jacked.
 
 
 
 
ORC-HORSE
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>dude neighing*
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
How much can you press?
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm
 
 
sorry?
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
Oh. Mmmmmm...
 
 
Sound: Paper flipping
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR (CONT’D)
 
 
 
 
Yeah, you're good.
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
You had a book the whole time and
 
 
you couldn't look up the third
 
 
rule?
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
I got nervous and I forgot about
 
 
it, okay?
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Oh my gods. Sorry.
 
 
Majestic and completely fair and
 
 
not at all rash Queen, my
 
 
apologies. Being a stranger in your
 
 
land I am not fully aware of your
 
 
customs and the implications of my
 
 
completely innocuous words.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
You seek to sway our decision.
 
 
Unlike in your mortal lands, here
 
 
in the Seelie Court every action
 
 
you take has consequences.
 
 
 
 
(MORE)
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
18.
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN (CONT’D)
 
 
And we do not steer course from our
 
 
traditions.
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Your majesty--
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
Silence, human! We are not
 
 
finished.
 
 
We may not be merciful, but we are
 
 
not... inflexible. We cannot break
 
 
the rules that govern our Court,
 
 
but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let
 
 
us offer you an exchange. A life
 
 
for a life?
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
 
 
Oooooh!
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Hang on! Time out.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
You may take a moment to consider,
 
 
but remember, time moves
 
 
differently in this realm.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
(sotto)
 
 
I don't want to stay here, F-- uh,
 
 
Gil - yeah, that is weird.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
(sotto)
 
 
Fantastic, great, then just say
 
 
yes!
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
(sotto)
 
 
But I don't want to kill an
 
 
innocent Faerie or whatever weird,
 
 
evil thing they want me to do so we
 
 
can leave.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
(sotto)
 
 
You kill people for a living.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
(sotto)
 
 
I protect the kingdom for a living!
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
(sotto)
 
 
By killing people!
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
19.
 
 
 
 
CREEPY FAERIE
 
 
 
 
Your skin is sooo soft. It will
 
 
make a lovely mask.
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
Okay, that's it.
 
 
(loudly)
 
 
We accept!
 
 
 
 
SCENE 6.1
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
(evil laugh)
 
 
Wonderful.
 
 
Colin! Come here.
 
 
COLIN
 
 
 
 
Here?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
No. HERE. Where we are.
 
 
 
 
COLIN
 
 
(further away)
 
 
Here?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
HERE. HERE! Over... no, that's
 
 
fine. Just forget it. Bear--
 
 
 
 
COLIN
 
 
(uncomfortably close)
 
 
Here?
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
YES!
 
 
 
 
COLIN
 
 
 
 
Hail and well met, friends!
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Hey.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Um, hi.
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
Beargil, in exchange for your life,
 
 
you must take that of the human
 
 
child, Colin.
 
 
COLIN
 
 
 
 
Oooooh!
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
You want me to kill a child?!
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
We may be a monster, but by the
 
 
moons, no!
 
 
(MORE)
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
20.
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN (CONT’D)
 
 
We fae often... borrow mortal
 
 
children to amuse our court.
 
 
However, Colin has caused much
 
 
trouble since he arrived, and we
 
 
are unable to return him to his
 
 
family. We ask that you take charge
 
 
of him.
 
 
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Um, sorry, but we're actually in
 
 
the middle of a quest? And that's a
 
 
lot of responsibility.
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Are you sure you don't want us to
 
 
just kill him?
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
Faen-- uh, Gil!
 
 
COLIN
 
 
 
 
That's fair, I am a lot of
 
 
responsibility.
 
 
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
That seems a bit, as Beargil says,
 
 
"much," but we are unfamiliar with
 
 
the ways of your mortal realm and
 
 
frankly, you may do as you wish
 
 
with the child when you are no
 
 
longer in our court.
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
You could always just eat him
 
 
instead.
 
 
 
 
FAIRIES
 
 
(horrified noises)
 
 
FAERIE QUEEN
 
 
 
 
Eat... a child?! We do not eat
 
 
children... they are unripe! What a
 
 
thing to suggest!
 
 
GILBERT
 
 
 
 
Oh my gods.
 
 
 
 
FAENDYR
 
 
 
 
Ewwwww.
 
 
 
 
SCENE 7. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.
 
 
SOUND: Outside again, same environment as before, but with
 
 
the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8
 
 
orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried
 
 
noises.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 6
 
 
7 7
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
21.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
(to villagers)
 
 
Now calm down everyone. Maybe
 
 
they're just here to visit. Not all
 
 
orcs are violent, you know.
 
 
VILLAGER 1
 
 
 
 
Why are they heavily armored then?
 
 
 
 
VILLAGER 2
 
 
 
 
And they have their weapons drawn.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
Maybe they're LARPing.
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
You are an idiot.
 
 
 
 
SOUND: The orcs have arrived. The villagers are more loudly
 
 
worried.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA (CONT’D)
 
 
Orcs! ... I demand that you stop!
 
 
 
 
SOUND: ORC marching stop.
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Why is small soft human standing in
 
 
way of Olfga? Olfga has business.
 
 
 
 
Olfga is the leader of the mercenary band made up of male
 
 
orcs. She is taller, stronger, and better looking than them
 
 
too. She's super attractive if you're into a woman who can
 
 
crush your skull with her bare hands.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Well, I demand that you stop your
 
 
business.
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Why soft human have shovel?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
It's a dangerous weapon.
 
 
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like
 
 
when Olfga crush weak human's body
 
 
and need to hide corpse underground
 
 
so smell of decomposing flesh not
 
 
attract dragons. Is small soft
 
 
human touched in head?
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
Yes.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 7
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
22.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
I could still hurt you with it.
 
 
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Olfga is amused by small human's...
 
 
how you say? Pluck.
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Thank you very much. But I demand
 
 
you tell me what your business is
 
 
in my village.
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Olfga is head of orc mercenary
 
 
band. You see my seven, strong,
 
 
handsome boys?
 
 
ORC BOYS
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>grumble*
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
It would be difficult to miss your
 
 
exceptionally large and very
 
 
capable-looking... boys.
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
Hey. 'Sup.
 
 
 
 
ORC BOYS
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>grumble*
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Olfga and boys have job in dwarf
 
 
lands.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
The Sunken Kingdom?
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Is no other dwarf lands in
 
 
Ilsylian, so yes.
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
I know that. I'm providing context
 
 
for the audience. No need to be
 
 
snippy.
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
World-building is really
 
 
challenging in an audio-only
 
 
format.
 
 
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
But Olfga and boys have problem.
 
 
Dwarves will not let strong,
 
 
beautiful Navakinski orcs into
 
 
their lands.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 7
 
 
 
 
23.
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
(sarcastic)
 
 
What? Why??
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Bard?
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
Yes?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Shut up.
 
 
I know the Sunken Kingdom and
 
 
Navakinsk have an adversarial
 
 
history, but that's a bit
 
 
xenophobic, I must say.
 
 
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Olfga has accepted that these
 
 
northern kingdoms are backward and
 
 
behind times. Not like pluralistic
 
 
and democratic orc societies. But
 
 
Olfga digress.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
But if you're headed to the Sunken
 
 
Kingdom, why are you in our
 
 
village? The closest entrance to
 
 
their lands is accessed by the
 
 
King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone
 
 
out of your way.
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga
 
 
and boys need to kidnap some small,
 
 
soft humans.
 
 
 
 
QUICK CUT TO:
 
 
 
 
SCENE 8. INT. DANCING DONKEY.
 
 
SOUND: The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few
 
 
customers, drinks clinking, etc. From inside, we hear a HORSE
 
 
approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting.
 
 
Then, the DOOR OPENS.
 
 
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
 
 
Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the
 
 
Inn of the Dancing Donkey!
 
 
 
 
PATRONS
 
 
(happy to see him)
 
 
Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!
 
 
(etc)
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 7
 
 
8 8
 
 
 
 
24.
 
 
 
 
PEERLESS
 
 
 
 
Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy
 
 
peasants.
 
 
 
 
PATRON
 
 
(delighted)
 
 
He noticed us!
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
 
 
To what do we owe the honor, my
 
 
lord? What drink may I get you? On
 
 
the house, of course.
 
 
LORD PEERLESS
 
 
Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking
 
 
wayward quarry today.
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
 
 
Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll
 
 
leave you to it.
 
 
PATRONS
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>excited murmuring*
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
Shhh! Let the man work!
 
 
LORD PEERLESS
 
 
 
 
Hmm... she was here. There is her
 
 
delicate boot-print.
 
 
Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that
 
 
attractive elf mage were also here,
 
 
I can feel it. There was a great
 
 
discussion.
 
 
She was disguised... poorly... as a
 
 
barmaid! And this--
 
 
PATRON 1
 
 
Hey. That's me drink.
 
 
LORD PEERLESS
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>sniff sniff* this was the tankard
 
 
from which she drank.
 
 
They discussed... something. She
 
 
convinced them.
 
 
And then they left... together!
 
 
Headed to the half-elf witch
 
 
Gwendolyn, no doubt.
 
 
PATRONS
 
 
(Clapping)
 
 
 
 
PATRON 2
 
 
He's good, he is!
 
 
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
 
 
Spot on, as always, my lord! You
 
 
have an almost superhuman talent
 
 
for that sort of thing, I must say.
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 8
 
 
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
 
 
 
25.
 
 
 
 
SIR PEERLESS
 
 
(charming)
 
 
Yes, I am very good.
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
 
 
But I could have just told you her
 
 
royal highness and her companions
 
 
had been here.
 
 
 
 
LORD PEERLESS
 
 
(winning laugh)
 
 
But where's the fun in that?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(winning laugh)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But where's the fun in that?</p>
   
 
SOUND: COIN FLIP
 
SOUND: COIN FLIP
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keep the change!</p>
   
  +
SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. Peerless rides off.
LORD PEERLESS (CONT’D)
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">How can it be change if he didn't buy anything?</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 9''''''. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK'''
Keep the change!
 
 
SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE
 
 
BARTENDER
 
 
 
 
How can it be change if he didn't
 
 
buy anything?
 
 
SCENE 9. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK
 
   
 
SOUND: Same as before.
 
SOUND: Same as before.
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
You need to what?
+
<p style="text-align:center;">You need to ''what''?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
OLFGA
 
   
Need to kidnap humans.
+
<p style="text-align:center;">Need to kidnap humans.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
ORC BOYS
 
   
<nowiki>*</nowiki>eager orc noises*
+
<p style="text-align:center;">*eager orc noises*</p>
   
VILLAGERS
+
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
   
<nowiki>*</nowiki>worried noises*
+
<p style="text-align:center;">*worried noises*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
OLFGA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Dwarves will not let band of strong beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.But with some soft weak humans as decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and boys in.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But what if we don't want to come with you?</p>
Dwarves will not let band of strong
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga not force you.</p>
But with some soft weak humans as
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Thank you.</p>
boys in.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*relieved noises*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank Bartholomew!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But if some don't come, Olfga personally break limbs of every village inhabitant like little dry twigs.</p>
But what if we don't want to come
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
with you?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*concerned noises*</p>
OLFGA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
Olfga not force you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I take it back!</p>
HEAD VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That sounds fair.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Oh. Thank you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No, it doesn't! You can't come marching into this village and demand we do what you say.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Look who's talking...</p>
Ep 2 Scene 8
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
9 9
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">As your queen I demand you shut your mouth, you absolute barndoor.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Case in point.</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why you say small female is queen?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
26.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh...</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She's the crown princess.</p>
VILLAGERS
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
<nowiki>*</nowiki>relieved noises*
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am not.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!</p>
WORRIED VILLAGER
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
Thank Bartholomew!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am but a well-dressed peasant girl.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Do you have a gold sovereign?</p>
OLFGA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes?...</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
But if some don't come, Olfga
 
 
personally break limbs of every
 
 
village inhabitant like little dry
 
 
twigs.
 
 
VILLAGERS
 
 
<nowiki>*</nowiki>concerned noises*
 
 
 
 
WORRIED VILLAGER
 
 
I take it back!
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
That sounds fair.
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
No, it doesn't!
 
 
You can't come marching into this
 
 
village and demand we do what you
 
 
say.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
Look who's talking...
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
As your queen I demand you shut
 
 
your mouth, you absolute barndoor.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
Case in point.
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Why you say small female is queen?
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Uh...
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
She's the crown princess.
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
I am not.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
I am but a well-dressed peasant
 
 
girl.
 
 
 
 
HEAD VILLAGER
 
 
 
 
Have you ever seen a peasant girl
 
 
dressed in silks and velvet?!
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
You're looking at one now!
 
 
 
 
Ep 2 Scene 9
 
 
 
 
27.
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
Do you have a gold sovereign?
 
 
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Yes?...
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
I'd take a gander at it if I were
 
 
you.
 
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'd take a gander at it if I were you.</p>
   
 
SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:
 
SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whose side are you on?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
CAMILLA
 
 
 
 
Bard! Who's side are you on?
 
 
 
 
BARD
 
 
 
 
You know, that's a good question,
 
 
actually. I've been asking myself
 
 
where I really see myself in life.
 
 
I think I'm more of a chaotic
 
 
neutral type, if I'm honest with
 
 
myself. Kind of a trickster
 
 
archetype maybe?
 
 
OLFGA
 
 
 
 
Oh! It look just like her! Even has
 
 
big nose!
 
 
 
 
CAMILLA
 
 
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know, that's a good question actually. I've been asking myself where I really see myself in life. I think I'm more of a chaotic neutral type if I'm being honest with myself.</p>
It's an unflattering angle!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! It look just like her! Even has big nose!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
OLFGA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's an unflattering angle!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
Olfga and boys take small human
+
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys take small human ''princess'' now!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
princess now.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It seems that the Princess has gotten herself into a bit of pickle! Can she demand her way out of this one?</p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh shut up, you.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
It seems that the Princess has
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever escape the clutches of the ravenous faeries? Find out next time on...THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!</p>
gotten herself into a bit of
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''CREDITS'''</p>
pickle! Can she demand her way out
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Lena</p>
of this one?
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Andrew Quilpa, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Tom Howley, Jenny Oberholtzer and Courtney Branch. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish</p>
CAMILLA
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''BLOOPER'''</p>
Oh shut up, you.
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA </p>
BARD
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(in the background)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">--- change my page. So we just need....</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">REILLY</p>
And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(singing)</p>
mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're eating humans -- (Andrew snorts, then joins in) gonna have some meat</p>
escape the clutches of the ravenous
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
faeries? Find out next time on...
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Okay that's right, this is what we need. Do you know, do you have--  Oh no, you're busy</p>
THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">REILLY</p>
ROOT!
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">before the night is through..... Sorry what?</p>
Music: End theme
 
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''END OF EPISODE'''</p>
CREDITS
 

Latest revision as of 21:35, 3 January 2021

SFX: A tape inserted into a deck, and the play button pressed

RECAP

FAENDYR

You're gonna eat us?

FAERIE 2

Oh no! Not the both of you

FAERIE 1

Just you elf.

FAERIE 2

We're bored with human.

FAENDYR

Fantastic.

BARD

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

Theme music

SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.

A pastoral village. Rooster, goats and other farm animals. Fittingly, a bubbling brook nearby.





CAMILLA

I must say that's the first time in my life I've actually been glad to see a tavern...
Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?
Bard, where did they go?

BARD

I believe they may have been abducted by fairies.

CAMILLA

Keep your job as a bard, you make a poor jester.

BARD

I'm not in jest.

CAMILLA

Well, I think you're an unreliable narrator.

(calling:)

Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I demand you show yourselves!

Footsteps in the grass as the Head Villager approaches

HEAD VILLAGER

(from further away)

Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling Brook!

CAMILLA

Finally, a welcoming party.

HEAD VILLAGER

What brings you to our humble village?

CAMILLA

You're not bowing.

HEAD VILLAGER

I'm sorry?

CAMILLA

Don't you know who I am?

HEAD VILLAGER

Should I?

BARD

Uh, duh.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress she is someone of great wealth...?

The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE

BARD

(singing)

She's the crown princess... Crown Princess of Kirkland--

CAMILLA

Yes yes. That's quite enough.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh, my apologies, your majesty!

CAMILLA

You are forgiven.

HEAD VILLAGER

We don't normally get you royal-types around here. Truth be told, we don't get much of anyone.

CAMILLA

Yes, I can see why. Who is in charge here?

HEAD VILLAGER

In charge?

CAMILLA

What noble lord commands your village?

HEAD VILLAGER

Well, we're vassals of Lord Peerless--

BARD

Mmm, Peerless.

CAMILLA

Ugh. Peerless.

BARD

They're engaged.

HEAD VILLAGER

You're a lucky woman. He is the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. And rather handsome too.

CAMILLA

His face is... symmetrical enough, I suppose. I find him intolerable.

BARD

Young love. Beautiful.

HEAD VILLAGER

But while we are his vassals, Lord Peerless lets us manage the village ourselves.

CAMILLA

Of course he does.

HEAD VILLAGER

We choose one of our own in bi-yearly elections to decide who will represent the village in any political matters, and we vote on any major projects for the village.

CAMILLA

No wonder nothing gets done. Well! I am crown princess and future queen. I now declare you my vassals.

HEAD VILLAGER

You can't do that... can you?

CAMILLA

Call a hearing or whatever it is you do, I must speak to the village.

HEAD VILLAGER

I... very well.

The head villager starts to WALK AWAY

CAMILLA

Uh uh... don't turn your back to me.

HEAD VILLAGER

Excuse me?

CAMILLA

It's very rude to turn your back to the Crown Princess. Walk backwards.

HEAD VILLAGER

Yes, your majesty.

He awkardly walks away

BARD

Forgive my boldness, Princess, but what in the infernal plane are you doing?

CAMILLA

My so-called companions think they can abandon me. My father thinks I'm not ready for leadership. Well, I'll show them all that I am more than capable on my own.
You know, this is fun! I'm so glad I left the castle.

SFX: Hapsicord transition

SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.

A door slams opens and Alfred comes running into the room

KING ALFRED

Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I need you!

WILLIS

I'm right here, your majesty.

KING ALFRED

(startled)

Oh! Don't sneak up on me Willis!

WILLIS

Yes, your majesty.

KING ALFRED

Your footsteps are far too quiet. In the future, please wear one of those little cat collars with a bell.

WILLIS

(long suffering sigh)

Yes, sire.

KING ALFRED

Hm. Where was I?

WILLIS

The princess, sire.

KING ALFRED

Oh, of course.
She's gone, Willis! Gone!

WILLIS

I believe she left the castle to join the Companions of the Root on their journey.

KING ALFRED

She what?! But I told her not to!

WILLIS

You did indeed, sire.

KING ALFRED

And she ignored me?!

WILLIS

It would seem so, sire.

KING ALFRED

But... but...! I commanded her not to! I'm the KING, she has to do what I say.

WILLIS

Of course, sire. As you say.

KING ALFRED

And it's dangerous outside of the castle grounds! What if she sees a peasant? They are the worst.

WILLIS

They are entirely too pathetic, your majesty.

KING ALFRED

You know I think they catch plagues just to spite me.

WILLIS

That sounds likely, sire.

KING ALFRED

She's gotten too headstrong. Where did I go wrong?

WILLIS

It's difficult to pin it on one particular instance, sire. There are so very many.

KING ALFRED

Perhaps I should have let her keep her dragon?

WILLIS

Perhaps. Though the servants were a bit... distracted by their co-workers being stalked and disemboweled in the hallways, sire.

KING ALFRED

And all that blood was starting to stain the upstairs tapestries. It was embarrassing when we had guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-stained tapestries.

WILLIS

As you say, sire. If you would permit me, do you wish to have her returned?

KING ALFRED

The dragon?

WILLIS

Her highness, sire.

KING ALFRED

Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.

WILLIS

Whom shall I send for?

KING ALFRED

Willis, this is a job for my best knight! Bring me Lord Peerless the Exceptional!

SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.

Strangle bells ring in the air. 


FAENDYR

You want to eat me?

FAERIE 1

Oh, yes!

DORA FAERIE

Very much!

FAENDYR

And that's not like some weird faerie thing? You want to actually kill me, cook my body parts, and then eat my flesh?

FAERIE 1

Oh no! There must be some mistake.

GILBERT

Thank the gods!

FAERIE 1

We're not going to cook you! We will consume your flesh raw, of course.

FAENDYR

Oh, "Of course." Fantastic.

GILBERT

Excuse me, little faerie...

(she giggles)

please don't touch me.

DORA FAERIE

I like you.

GILBERT

Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my leg. Please?

FAERIE 2

Come, come, friends! We'll take you to the kitchens.

FAENDYR

Waitwaitwait! I demand parley!

FAERIES

(chittering among themselves)

Parsley? / Why does it want parsley? / Isn't that a plant?

FAENDYR

Parley! I am an Elven Prince. My family has ruled over the Imperium for thousands of years. I demand you bring me to your Queen!

ALL FAERIES

Oooooooh!

'SCENE 4'. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.

SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK among themselves. 

CAMILLA

Greetings... You! Stop ringing that bell!

They stop.

CAMILLA

Oh thank the gods. Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling Spring--

VILLAGER 1

Rippling Brook!

CAMILLA

Whatever. It is I, your Queen.

VILLAGER 1

Queen?

VILLAGER 2

I thought we had a king?

VILLAGER 1

Did he die?

BARD

Not yet.

CAMILLA

I am the Crown Princess Camilla, heir to the throne of Kirkland. I have blessed your village with my patronage. You are now my vassals. I accept your thanks.

VILLAGER 3

Thanks for what?

BARD

I have to say, this is going better than I thought it would.

CAMILLA

I am on a vitally important quest. However, coming across your village in my travels, I have decided to delay my plans. Under my leadership, this village shall transform from a dull place where dreams go to die, into a quaint and bucolic village that will be the envy of the kingdom.

HEAD VILLAGER

I really think we should clear this with Lord Peerless--

CAMILLA

Forget Peerless.

VILLAGER 2

But when we had that famine two years ago he personally brought us food from his own pantries to keep us alive.

CHILD VILLAGER

He got my cat Fluffkins out of a tree!

FLUFFIKNIS

Meow.

HEAD VILLAGER

And that time--

CAMILLA

Forget Lord Peerless! We shall begin by repainting --

SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

Sir!

HEAD VILLAGER

What is it?

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

A band of mercenaries is coming this way!

ALL VILLAGERS

(concerned murmuring)

CAMILLA

I am your queen, you will provide all updates to me.

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

Uh... A band of mercenaries is coming this way... um, your majesty. They appear to all be orcs. And they're heavily armed.

VILLAGERS (more concerned murmuring)

VILLAGER 1

Oh no! Not orcs!

CAMILLA

This sounds problematic.

HEAD VILLAGER

You think?

CAMILLA

Yes, I think. Ready the militia.

VILLAGER 3

We don't have a militia.

CAMILLA

You don't have a militia?!

HEAD VILLAGER

We're a small, inconsequential village and there hasn't been a war in over a generation.

VILLAGER 2

The War of the Trance Worm!

CAMILLA

Yes, I know what the last war was.

HEAD VILLAGER

Why would we waste time training when we could be farming?

CAMILLA

You do it in the winter when there's no planting or harvesting going on, you sentient floorboard!

HEAD VILLAGER

(deeply offended)

We make artisanal cheeses during the winter!

CAMILLA

Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have anything that can be used as weapons?

VILLAGER 1

Weapons...?

CAMILLA

Yes, weapons! Any swords or... pointy sticks?

VILLAGER 2

We have shovels.

VILLAGERS

(mutters of agreement)

CAMILLA

Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a shovel. And you better pray to whatever lower-pantheon god or river-spirit who looks over this hovel.

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

That would be Barthol--

CAMILLA

I don't care who it is! Just. DO. IT!

'SCENE 5'. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.

PEERLESS

Your majesty! You sent for me?

KING ALFRED

You arrived very quickly, Lord Peerless. With almost superhuman speed, I must say!

PEERLESS

I am ever at your service, my king.

KING ALFRED

Now this guy, Willis, he knows how to serve his king.

WILLIS

(resentful)

Yes, sire.

PEERLESS

My king is too kind. I am but your humble servant.

KING ALFRED

(laughing)

And some day my son-in-law!

PEERLESS

(laughing)

Some day soon, I hope!

KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS

(laughing)

KING ALFRED

(laughing turns awkward)

Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking of your future marriage, your bird has flown the coop, so to speak.

PEERLESS

The Princess Camilla? My betrothed! Nooooooooo-

KING ALFRED

Oh dear. It's okay.

PEERLESS

oooooooooooooooo! Oh, Betroathed! 

(clears his throat then contines as if his previous outburst hadn't happened)

PEERLESS

I will personally slaughter anyone who has laid hands upon her! Where has she been taken?

KING ALFRED

Well, she hasn't been taken, per se. She ran away.

PEERLESS

With all due respect to your majesty, a jewel as precious and beautiful as the crown princess must be kept under lock and key.

KING ALFRED

Yeah, well, you know. Princesses, what are you going to do?

PEERLESS

When we are wed, I shall keep her under my supervision at all times. She will never leave the castle- nay, her rooms- without my permission. No one shall lay eyes on her without first going through me.

KING ALFRED

And I'm sure she'll love that. But let's not put the royal carriage before the royal horse. Lord Peerless, I need you to return Princess Camilla to me.

PEERLESS

It will be my greatest honor, my king.I will brave any peril to bring my betrothed back under our watchful eye. I will cross any river, conquer any mountain and crush any one and any thing that stands between us.

KING ALFRED

(yikes)

That's... great. Willis?

WILLIS

She was likely following Sir--

PEERLESS

No no, don't tell me! It's more enjoyable of a hunt for me if you don't tell me where my prey has flown. Your majesty, I will take my humble leave. Rest assured, the princess will be returned to you posthaste.

Peerless strides out

KING ALFRED

Okay, bye bye, see you later!

The DOORS CLOSE

KING ALFRED

Oh, what a guy...

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

'SCENE 6'. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.

A manic, laughing party in the distance, but with a creepy, otherworldly quality.

GILBERT

You're Imperium royalty?

FAENDYR

Um, sort of.

GILBERT

What are you doing working for King Alfred--

FAENDYR

It's a long story.

FAERIE 1

My Queen! Our dinner requires parsley!

FAERIE QUEEN

Why do you interrupt our revels?

FAERIE 1

Our dinner has demanded parsley.

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

FAENDYR

PAR-LEY!!

FAERIE QUEEN

Why is there a human with our dinner?

GILBERT

To be honest I have no idea.

DORA FAERIE

He's my friend.

FAERIE QUEEN

What is your name?

GILBERT

Um. Beargil.

FAERIE QUEEN

Fascinating, is that Elven?

FAENDYR

Oh for the gods' sakes.

GILBERT

I believe it is.

FAERIE QUEEN

Beargil, is that a talisman?

GILBERT

Pardon?

FAERIE QUEEN

That small stick in a holster around your neck. Does it protect you from the unfailing gaze of the punishing moons?

GILBERT

Oh. Um, it's a root actually. It's kind of a long story. Just curious, can you undo a spell that turned a human into a root?

FAERIE QUEEN

No.

GILBERT

Oh, okay, nevermind.

FAERIE QUEEN

We could turn the root into a fish, if you desire.

GILBERT

Oh no no that would be even less convenient, it's fine. Sorry to bother you.

FAENDYR

Fantastic, so glad that's worked out. Are we going to parley or what?

FAERIE QUEEN

Very well, elf. We grant you parley. Say what you will. You are to be the main dish for our feast under the full moons this eve. It is a great honor. The greatest honor that can be bestowed in our realms, in fact.

FAENDYR

Oh, and I am super honored. But I'm afraid you can't eat me. I am an Elven Prince of the Imperium. Killing me would provoke an interdimensional incident as not seen since the Demon War.

ALL FAERIES

Ooooh.

FAENDYR

My people have magicks, Fae. They will hunt you through all thirteen dimensions if any harm comes to me. Besides, I'm probably really stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.

DORA FAERIE

I like gamey meat!

FAERIE QUEEN

Very well, elf. We have no desire to cause war between our peoples. We shall make other... preparations for our feast. Now leave us to our revels before we change our minds.

ALL FAERIES

Aw, man / But I'm hungry!

DORA FAERIE

Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I want you to have this. It's my favorite mummified finger.

GILBERT

(gross)

Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.

ALL FAERIES

(evil laughter)

FAENDYR

(duh)

Don't thank them! That's the third one! I knew there was a third rule.

GILBERT

Wait, what?

FAERIE QUEEN

Beargil, you now owe us.

GILBERT

I do?

FAERIE QUEEN

We may not be able to eat your royal elven friend, but in return for your thanks, you will spend the rest of eternity here by our side.

GILBERT

That's a bit much, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.

FAERIE QUEEN

We do not have "feelings." And look around you. There's a half horse, half orc making cupcakes with a skeleton. You were brought here because we wanted to eat your companion. This whole place is a "bit much."

FAENDYR

And that orc-horse is jacked.

ORC-HORSE

*a very deep, manly neigh*

FAENDYR

How much can you press?

GILBERT

I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm sorry?

FAENDYR

Oh. Mmmmmm... Lemme check...

Sound: Faendyr gets out a book. Paper flipping

FAENDYR

Yeah, you're good.

GILBERT

You had a book the whole time and you couldn't look up the third rule?

FAENDYR

I got nervous and I forgot about it, okay?

GILBERT

Oh my gods. Sorry.

Majestic and completely fair and not all that rash Queen, my apologies. Being a stranger in your lands I am not fully aware of your customs and the implications of my completely innocuous words.

FAERIE QUEEN

You seek to sway our decision. Unlike in your mortal lands, here in the Seelie Court every action you take has consequences. And we do not steer course from our traditions.

GILBERT

Your majesty--

FAERIE QUEEN

Silence, human! We are not finished.

We may not be merciful, but we are not... inflexible. We cannot break the rules that govern our Court, but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let us offer you an exchange. A life for a life?

ALL FAERIES

(chanting)

Life for a life! Life for a life!

GILBERT

Hang on! Time out.

FAERIE QUEEN

You may take a moment to consider, but remember, time moves differently in this realm.

GILBERT

(sotto)

I don't want to stay here, F-- uh, Gil.

FAENDYR

(sotto)

Fantastic, great, then just say yes!

GILBERT

(sotto)

But I don't want to kill an innocent Faerie or whatever weird, evil thing they want me to do so we can leave.

FAENDYR

(sotto)

You kill people for a living.

GILBERT

(sotto)

I protect the kingdom for a living!

FAENDYR

(sotto)

By killing people!

DORA FAERIE

Your skin is sooo soft. It will make a lovely mask.

FAENDYR

Okay that's it.

(loudly)

We accept!

FAERIE QUEEN

(evil laugh)

Wonderful!

Colin! Come here.

COLIN

Here?

FAERIE QUEEN

No. HERE. Where we are.

COLIN

(further away)

Here?

FAERIE QUEEN

HERE. HERE! Over... no, forget it, that's fine. Bear--

COLIN

(uncomfortably close)

Here?

FAERIE QUEEN

YES!

COLIN

Hail and well met, friends!

FAENDYR

Hey.

GILBERT

Um, hi.

FAERIE QUEEN

Beargil, in exchange for your life, you must take that of the human child, Colin.

COLIN

Oooooh!

GILBERT

You want me to kill a child?!

FAERIE QUEEN

We may be a monster, but by the moons, no! We fae often... borrow mortal children to amuse our court. However, Colin has caused much trouble since he arrived, and we are unable to return him to his family. We ask that you take charge of him.

GILBERT

Um, sorry, but we're actually in the middle of a quest? And that's a lot of responsibility.

FAENDYR

Are you sure you don't want us to just kill him?

GILBERT

Faen-- uh, Gil!

COLIN

That's fair, I am a lot of responsibility.

FAERIE QUEEN

That seems a bit, as Beargil says, "much," but we are unfamiliar with the ways of the Mortal Realm and frankly, you may do as you wish with the child when you are no longer in our court.

FAENDYR

You could always just eat him instead.

FAERIE QUEEN

Eat... a child?! We do not eat children... they are unripe! What a thing to suggest!

FAENDYR

Ewwwww.

'SCENE 7'. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.

Outside again, same environment as before, but with the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8 orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried noises.

HEAD VILLAGER

(to villagers)

Now calm down everyone. Maybe they're just here to visit. Not all orcs are violent, you know.

VILLAGER 1

Why are they heavily armored then?

VILLAGER 2

And they have their weapons drawn.

HEAD VILLAGER

Maybe they're LARPing.

CAMILLA

You are an idiot.

CAMILLA

Orcs!

The marching has stopped. They are confused. 

Yes! You! I--

OLFGA

Why is small soft human standing in way of Olfga? Olfga has business.

CAMILLA

Well, I demand that you stop your business.

OLFGA

Why soft human have shovel?

CAMILLA

It's a dangerous weapon.

OLFGA

Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like when Olfga crush weak human's body and need to hide corpse underground so smell of decomposing flesh not attract dragons.

CAMILLA

I could still hurt you with it.

OLFGA

Olfga is amused by small human's... how you say? Pluck.

CAMILLA

Thank you very much. But I demand you tell me what your business is in my village.

OLFGA

Olfga is head of orc mercenary band. You see my seven, strong, handsome boys?

ORC BOYS

*grumble*

CAMILLA

It would be difficult to miss your exceptionally large and very capable-looking... boys.

BARD

Oi. 'Sup.

ORC BOYS

*grumble*

OLFGA

Olfga and boys come all the way from Navakinsk to complete job in dwarf lands.

CAMILLA

The Sunken Kingdom?

OLFGA

Is no other dwarf lands in Ilsylian, so yes.

CAMILLA

I know that. I'm providing context for the audience. No need to be snippy.

BARD

World-building is really challenging in an audio-only format.

OLFGA

But Olfga and boys have problem. Dwarves will not let strong, beautiful Navakinski orcs into their lands.

BARD

(sarcastic)

What? Why??

CAMILLA

Bard?

BARD

Yes?

CAMILLA

Shut up. I know the Sunken Kingdom and Navakinsk have an adversarial history, but that's a bit xenophobic, I must say.

OLFGA

Olfga has accepted that these northern kingdoms are backward and behind times.

ORC BOYS

*agreement*

OFLGA

Not like pluralistic and democratic orc societies. But Olfga digress.

HEAD VILLAGER

If you're headed to the Sunken Kingdom, why are you in our village? The closest entrance is accessed by the King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone out of your way.

OLFGA

Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga and boys need to kidnap some small, soft humans.

'SCENE 8'. INT. DANCING DONKEY.

The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few customers. From inside, we hear a HORSE approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting. Then, the DOOR OPENS.

BARKEEP

Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!

PATRONS

Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!

(etc)

VILLAGER (TATUM)

I like him more than a friend!

PEERLESS

Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy peasants.

VILLAGER (COURTNEY)

(delighted)

He noticed us!

BARKEEP

To what do we owe the honor, my lord? What drink may I get you? On the house, of course.

LORD PEERLESS

Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking wayward quarry today.

BARKEEP

Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll leave you to it.

PATRONS

*excited murmuring*

BARKEEP

Shhh! Let the man work!

LORD PEERLESS

Hmm... she was here. There is her delicate boot-print. Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that attractive elf mage were also here, I can feel it. There was a great discussion. She was disguised... poorly... as a barmaid! And this-

VILLAGER (MICHAEL SILVER)

Hey that's me drink.

LORD PEERLESS

*sniff sniff* this was the tankard from which she drank. They discussed... something. She convinced them. And then they left... together! Headed to the half-elf witch Gwendolyn, no doubt.

PATRONS

(Clapping)

VILLAGER (TATUM)

He's good, he is!

BARKEEP

Spot on, as always, my lord! You have an almost superhuman talent for that sort of thing, I must say.

SIR PEERLESS

(charming)

Yes, I am very good.

BARKEEP

But I could have just told you her royal highness and her companions had been here.

LORD PEERLESS

(winning laugh)

But where's the fun in that?

SOUND: COIN FLIP

LORD PEERLESS

Keep the change!

SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. Peerless rides off.

BARKEEP

How can it be change if he didn't buy anything?

'SCENE 9'. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK

SOUND: Same as before.

CAMILLA

You need to what?

OLFGA

Need to kidnap humans.

ORC BOYS

*eager orc noises*

VILLAGERS

*worried noises*

OLFGA

Dwarves will not let band of strong beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.But with some soft weak humans as decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and boys in.

HEAD VILLAGER

But what if we don't want to come with you?

OLFGA

Olfga not force you.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh. Thank you.

VILLAGERS

*relieved noises*

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

Thank Bartholomew!

OLFGA

But if some don't come, Olfga personally break limbs of every village inhabitant like little dry twigs.

VILLAGERS

*concerned noises*

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

I take it back!

HEAD VILLAGER

That sounds fair.

CAMILLA

No, it doesn't! You can't come marching into this village and demand we do what you say.

HEAD VILLAGER

Look who's talking...

CAMILLA

As your queen I demand you shut your mouth, you absolute barndoor.

HEAD VILLAGER

Case in point.

OLFGA

Why you say small female is queen?

CAMILLA

Uh...

HEAD VILLAGER

She's the crown princess.

CAMILLA

I am not.

HEAD VILLAGER

Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!

CAMILLA

I am but a well-dressed peasant girl.

BARD

Do you have a gold sovereign?

OLFGA

Yes?...

BARD

I'd take a gander at it if I were you.

SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:

CAMILLA

Whose side are you on?

BARD

You know, that's a good question actually. I've been asking myself where I really see myself in life. I think I'm more of a chaotic neutral type if I'm being honest with myself.

OLFGA

Oh! It look just like her! Even has big nose!

CAMILLA

It's an unflattering angle!

OLFGA

Olfga and boys take small human princess now!

BARD

It seems that the Princess has gotten herself into a bit of pickle! Can she demand her way out of this one?

CAMILLA

Oh shut up, you.

BARD

And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever escape the clutches of the ravenous faeries? Find out next time on...THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

Lena

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Andrew Quilpa, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Tom Howley, Jenny Oberholtzer and Courtney Branch. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish

BLOOPER

LENA 

(in the background)

--- change my page. So we just need....

REILLY

(singing)

We're eating humans -- (Andrew snorts, then joins in) gonna have some meat

LENA

Okay that's right, this is what we need. Do you know, do you have--  Oh no, you're busy

REILLY

before the night is through..... Sorry what?

END OF EPISODE