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SFX: A tape inserted into a deck, and the play button pressed
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INTRODUCTION
  
−  
 
RECAP
  
RECAP
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're gonna eat us?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 2</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no! Not the both of you</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Just you elf.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 2</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're bored with human.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
MUSIC: Theme
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!</p>
   
  +
Theme music
   
  +
'''SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.'''
−
BARD
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
  +
A pastoral village. Rooster, goats and other farm animals. Fittingly, a bubbling brook nearby.
   
   
   
−
Welcome dear listeners, to the
  
   
−
Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
  
   
−
RECAP. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE Faerie PLANE.
  
   
   
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
FAENDYR
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I must say that's the first time in my life I've actually been glad to see a tavern...<br />Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?<br />Bard, where did they go?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I believe they may have been abducted by fairies.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
You're going to eat us?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keep your job as a bard, you make a poor jester.</p>
−
FAERIE
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm not in jest.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
Oh, no, not the both of you. We're
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I think you're an unreliable narrator.</p>
−
bored with human.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(calling:)</p>
−
FAERIE 2
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I demand you show yourselves!</p>
−
Just you, elf!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:start;">''Footsteps in the grass as the Head Villager approaches''</p>
−
FAIRIES
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
(giggling)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(from further away)</p>
−
FAENDYR
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling Brook!</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Finally, a welcoming party.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What brings you to our humble village?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're not bowing.</p>
−
Fantastic.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't you know who I am?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
SOUND: TRANSITION
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Should I?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh, duh.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress she is someone of great wealth...?</p>
   
  +
''The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE''
−
SOUND: Same environment as previous episode.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(singing)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''She's the crown princess... Crown Princess of Kirkland--''</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes yes. That's quite enough.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
I must say that's the first time in
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, my apologies, your majesty!</p>
−
my life I've actually been glad to
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
see a tavern...
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You are forgiven.</p>
−
Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
Bard, where did they go?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We don't normally get you royal-types around here. Truth be told, we don't get much of anyone.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I can see why. Who is in charge here?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">In charge?</p>
−
BARD
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What noble lord commands your village?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
I believe they may have been
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, we're vassals of Lord Peerless--</p>
−
abducted by fairies.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Mmm, Peerless.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ugh. Peerless.</p>
−
Keep your job as a bard, you make a
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
poor jester.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">They're engaged.</p>
−
BARD
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
I'm not in jest.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're a lucky woman. He is the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. And rather handsome too.</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">His face is... symmetrical enough, I suppose. I find him intolerable.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
Well, I think you're an unreliable
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Young love. Beautiful.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
narrator.
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But while we are his vassals, Lord Peerless lets us manage the village ourselves.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course he does.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We choose one of our own in bi-yearly elections to decide who will represent the village in any political matters, and we vote on any major projects for the village.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
(MORE)
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No wonder nothing gets done. Well! I am crown princess and future queen. I now declare you my vassals.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You can't do that... can you?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Call a hearing or whatever it is you do, I must speak to the village.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I... very well.</p>
   
  +
''The head villager starts to WALK AWAY''
−
1 1
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh uh... don't turn your back to me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's very rude to turn your back to the Crown Princess. Walk backwards.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, your majesty.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
''He awkardly walks away''
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Forgive my boldness, Princess, but what in the infernal plane are you doing?</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My so-called companions think they can abandon me. My father thinks I'm not ready for leadership. Well, I'll show them all that I am more than capable on my own.<br />You know, this is fun! I'm so glad I left the castle.</p>
  +
SFX: Hapsicord transition
   
  +
'''SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.'''
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
A door slams opens and Alfred comes running into the room
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I need you!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm right here, your majesty.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(startled)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! Don't sneak up on me Willis!</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, your majesty.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your footsteps are far too quiet. In the future, please wear one of those little cat collars with a bell.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(long suffering sigh)</p>
−
2.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hm. Where was I?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
CAMILLA (CONT’D)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The princess, sire.</p>
−
(calling:)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, of course.<br />She's gone, Willis! Gone!</p>
−
demand you show yourselves!
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I believe she left the castle to join the Companions of the Root on their journey.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She what?! But I told her not to!</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You did indeed, sire.</p>
−
SOUND: FOOTSTEPS on grass approach
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And she ignored me?!</p>
−
(from further away)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It would seem so, sire.</p>
−
Brook.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But... but...! I commanded her not to! I'm the KING, she has to do what I say.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Of course, sire. As you say.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And it's dangerous outside of the castle grounds! What if she sees a peasant? They are the worst.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">They are entirely too pathetic, your majesty.</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know I think they catch plagues just to spite me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That sounds likely, sire.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
Finally, a welcoming party.
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She's gotten too headstrong. Where did I go wrong?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's difficult to pin it on one particular instance, sire. There are so very ''many''.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps I should have let her keep her dragon?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
SOUND: The FOOTSTEPS end as the Head Villager has approached
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Perhaps. Though the servants were a bit... distracted by their co-workers being stalked and disemboweled in the hallways, sire.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And all that blood was starting to stain the upstairs tapestries. It was embarrassing when we had guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-stained tapestries.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">As you say, sire. If you would permit me, do you wish to have her returned?</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The dragon?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
What brings you to our humble
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Her ''highness'', sire.</p>
−
village?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whom shall I send for?</p>
−
You're not bowing.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Willis, this is a job for my best knight! Bring me Lord Peerless the Exceptional!</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.'''
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">
  +
</p>
  +
Strangle bells ring in the air. 
   
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
I'm sorry?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You want to eat me?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, yes!</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
−
Don't you know who I am?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very much!</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And that's not like some weird faerie thing? You want to actually kill me, cook my body parts, and then eat my flesh?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
−
Should I?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no! There must be some mistake.</p>
−
BARD
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
Uh, duh.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank the gods!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're not going to cook you! We will consume your flesh raw, of course.</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, "Of course." Fantastic.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Excuse me, little faerie...</p>
−
she is someone of great wealth...?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(she giggles)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">please don't touch me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
−
SOUND: The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I like you.</p>
−
BARD
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
(singing)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my leg. Please?</p>
−
She's the crown princess... Crown
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 2</p>
−
Princess of Kirkland--
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Come, come, friends! We'll take you to the kitchens.</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Waitwaitwait! I demand parley!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIES</p>
−
Yes yes. That's quite enough.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(chittering among themselves)</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Parsley? / Why does it want parsley? / Isn't that a plant?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Par''ley''! I am an Elven Prince. My family has ruled over the Imperium for thousands of years. I demand you bring me to your Queen!</p>
−
Oh, my apologies, your majesty!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooooh!</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 4''''''. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.'''
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
''SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK among themselves. ''
−
You are forgiven.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings... You! Stop ringing that bell!</p>
   
  +
''They stop.''
−
Ep 2 Scene 1
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh thank the gods. Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling Spring--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Rippling ''Brook''!</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whatever. It is I, your Queen.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Queen?</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I thought we had a king?</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Did he die?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not yet.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am the Crown Princess Camilla, heir to the throne of Kirkland. I have blessed your village with my patronage. You are now my vassals. I accept your thanks.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 3</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thanks for what?</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I have to say, this is going better than I thought it would.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am on a vitally important quest. However, coming across your village in my travels, I have decided to delay my plans. Under my leadership, this village shall transform from a dull place where dreams go to die, into a quaint and bucolic village that will be the envy of the kingdom.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I really think we should clear this with Lord Peerless--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Forget Peerless.</p>
−
3.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But when we had that famine two years ago he personally brought us food from his own pantries to keep us alive.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CHILD VILLAGER</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He got my cat Fluffkins out of a tree!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FLUFFIKNIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Meow.</p>
−
We don't normally get you royal-
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
types around here. Truth be told,
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And that time--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''Forget Lord Peerless''! We shall begin by repainting --</p>
−
we don't get much of anyone.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Yes, I can see why. Who is in
  
−  
−
charge here?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
In charge?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
What noble lord commands your
  
−  
−
village?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
Well, we're vassals of Lord
  
−  
−
Peerless--
  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−
Mmm, Peerless.
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
Ugh. Peerless.
  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−
They're engaged.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You're a lucky woman. He is the
  
−  
−
most eligible bachelor in the
  
−  
−
kingdom. And rather handsome too.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
His face is symmetrical enough, I
  
−  
−
suppose. I find him intolerable.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Young love. Beautiful.
  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
But while we are his vassals, Lord
  
−  
−
Peerless lets us manage the village
  
−  
−
ourselves.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
Of course he does.
  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
We choose one of our own in bi-
  
−  
−
yearly elections to decide who will
  
−  
−  
−  
−
represent the village in any
  
−  
−
political matters, and we vote on
  
−  
−
any major projects for the village.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
4.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
No wonder nothing gets done. Well!
  
−  
−
I am crown princess and future
  
−  
−
queen. I now declare you my
  
−  
−
vassals.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
You can't do that... can you?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Call a hearing or whatever it is
  
−  
−
you do, I must speak to the
  
−  
−
village.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I... very well.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SOUND: The head villager starts to WALK AWAY
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Uh uh... don't turn your back to
  
−  
−
me.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Excuse me?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
It's very rude to turn your back
  
−  
−
to the Crown Princess. Walk
  
−  
−
backwards.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
Yes, your majesty.
  
−  
−
SOUND: Awkward footsteps
  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Forgive my boldness, Princess, but
  
−  
−
what in the infernal plane are you
  
−  
−
doing?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
My so-called companions think they
  
−  
−
can abandon me. My father thinks
  
−  
−
I'm not ready for leadership. Well,
  
−  
−
I'll show them all that I am more
  
−  
−
than capable on my own.
  
−  
−
You know, this is fun! I'm so glad
  
−  
−
I left the castle.
  
−  
−
SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
  
−  
−
SOUND: Alfred comes charging into the room. A door slams
  
−  
−
open, and he gets louder as he comes closer
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 1
  
−  
−
2 2
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
5.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left
  
−  
−
the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE
  
−  
−
YOU? I need you!
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I'm right here, your majesty.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−
(startled)
  
−  
−
O! Don't sneak up on me Willis!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
Yes, your majesty.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Your footsteps are far too quiet.
  
−  
−
In the future, please wear one of
  
−  
−
those little cat collars with a
  
−  
−
bell.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
(long suffering sigh)
  
−  
−
Yes, sire.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−
Hm. Where was I?
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
The princess, sire.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh, of course. She's gone, Willis!
  
−  
−
Gone!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I believe she left the castle to
  
−  
−
join the Companions of the Root on
  
−  
−
their journey.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
She what?! But I told her not to!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
You did indeed, sire.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−
And she ignored me?!
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
It would seem so, sire.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
But... but...! I commanded her not
  
−  
−
to! I'm the KING, she has to do
  
−  
−
what I say.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 2
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
6.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Of course, sire. As you say.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
And it's dangerous outside of the
  
−  
−
castle grounds! What if she sees a
  
−  
−
peasant? They are the worst.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
They are entirely too pathetic,
  
−  
−
your majesty.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You know I think they catch plagues
  
−  
−
just to spite me.
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
That sounds likely, sire.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
She's gotten too headstrong. Where
  
−  
−
did I go wrong?
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
It's difficult to pin it on one
  
−  
−
particular instance, sire. There
  
−  
−
are so very many.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Perhaps I should have let her keep
  
−  
−
her dragon?
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Perhaps. Though the servants were a
  
−  
−
bit distracted by their co-workers
  
−  
−
being stalked and disemboweled in
  
−  
−
the hallways, sire.
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
And all that blood was starting to
  
−  
−
stain the upstairs tapestries. It
  
−  
−
was embarrassing when we had
  
−  
−  
−  
−
guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-
  
−  
−
stained tapestries.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
As you say, sire. If you would
  
−  
−
permit me, do you wish to have her
  
−  
−
returned?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
The dragon?
  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
Her highness, sire.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 2
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
7.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−
Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WILLIS
  
−  
−
Whom shall I send for?
  
−  
−
KING ALFRED
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Willis, this is a job for my best
  
−  
−
knight! Bring me... Lord Peerless
  
−  
−
the Exceptional!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
MUSICAL TRANSITION
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.
  
−  
−
SOUND: Same environment as previous episode.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
You want to eat me?
  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh, yes!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CREEPY FAERIE
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Very much.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
And that's not like some weird
  
−  
−
Faerie thing? You want to actually
  
−  
−
kill me, cook my body parts, and
  
−  
−
then eat my flesh?
  
−  
−
FAERIE 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh no! There must be some mistake.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Thank the gods.
  
−  
−
FAERIE 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
We're not going to cook you. We
  
−  
−
will consume your flesh raw, of
  
−  
−
course.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
Of course. Fantastic.
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Excuse me, little Faerie... please
  
−  
−
don't touch me.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CREEPY FAERIE
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I like you.
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my
  
−  
−
leg. Please?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 2
  
−  
−
3 3
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
8.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE 2
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Come, come, friends! We'll take you
  
−  
−
to the kitchens.
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
Wait! I demand parley!
  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−
(chittering among
  
−  
−
themselves)
  
−  
−
Parsley? / Why does it want
  
−  
−
parsley? / Isn't that a plant?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Parley! I am an Elven Prince. My
  
−  
−
family has ruled over the Imperium
  
−  
−
for thousands of years. I demand
  
−  
−
you bring me to your Queen!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oooooooh!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SCENE 4. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.
  
−  
−
SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK amongst themselves
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Hello! You- stop ringing that bell.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SOUND: It stops.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA (CONT’D)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Thank the gods.
  
−  
−
Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling
  
−  
−
Spring.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
VILLAGER 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Brook!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Whatever. It is I, your Queen.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
VILLAGER 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Queen?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
VILLAGER 2
  
−  
−
I thought we had a king.
  
−  
−
VILLAGER 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Did he die?
  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−
Not yet...
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 3
  
−  
−
4 4
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
9.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I am the Crown Princess Camilla,
  
−  
−
heir to the throne of Kirkland. I
  
−  
−
have blessed your village with my
  
−  
−
patronage. You are now my vassals.
  
−  
−
I accept your thanks.
  
−  
−
VILLAGER 3
  
−  
−
Thanks for what?
  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I have to say, this is going better
  
−  
−
than I thought it would.
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I am on a vitally important quest.
  
−  
−
However, coming across your village
  
−  
−
in my travels, I have decided to
  
−  
−
delay my plans. Under my
  
−  
−
leadership, this village shall
  
−  
−
transform from a dull place where
  
−  
−
dreams go to die, into a quaint and
  
−  
−
bucolic village that will be the
  
−  
−
envy of the kingdom.
  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I really think we should clear this
  
−  
−
with Lord Peerless--
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
Forget Peerless.
  
−  
−
VILLAGER 4
  
−  
−  
−  
−
But when we had that famine two
  
−  
−
years ago he personally brought us
  
−  
−
foodstuffs from his own pantries to
  
−  
−
keep us alive.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CHILD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
He got my cat Fluffkins out of a
  
−  
−
tree!
  
−  
−
SOUND: Cat MEOW
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
And that time--
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
Forget Lord Peerless!
  
−  
−
We shall begin by repainting --
  
−  
−  
   
 
SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN
  
SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sir!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What is it?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">A band of mercenaries is coming this way!</p>
−
Sir!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL VILLAGERS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(concerned murmuring)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
Ep 2 Scene 4
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am your queen, you will provide all updates to me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh... A band of mercenaries is coming this way... um, your majesty. They appear to all be orcs. And they're heavily armed.</p>
−
10.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS
  +
(more concerned murmuring)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no! Not orcs!</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">This sounds problematic.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
What is it?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You think?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I think. Ready the militia.</p>
−
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 3</p>
−
A band of mercenaries is coming
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We don't have a militia.</p>
−
this way!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You don't have a militia?!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
ALL VILLAGERS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're a small, inconsequential village and there hasn't been a war in over a generation.</p>
−
(concerned murmuring)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The War of the Trance Worm!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I know what the last war was.</p>
−
I am your queen, you will provide
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
all updates to me.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why would we waste time training when we could be farming?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You do it in the winter when there's no planting or harvesting going on, you sentient floorboard!</p>
−
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
Uh... A band of mercenaries is
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(deeply offended)</p>
−
coming this way... um, your
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We make artisanal cheeses during the winter!</p>
−
majesty. They appear to all be
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
orcs. And they're heavily armed.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have anything that can be used as weapons?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Weapons...?</p>
−
VILLAGERS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
(more concerned murmuring)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, weapons! Any swords or... pointy sticks?</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
−
This sounds problematic.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We have shovels.</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(mutters of agreement)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
You think?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a shovel. And you better pray to whatever lower-pantheon god or river-spirit who looks over this hovel.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That would be Barthol--</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't care who it is! Just. ''DO''. IT!</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 5''''''. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.'''
−
Yes, I think. Ready the militia.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your majesty! You sent for me?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
VILLAGER 3
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You arrived very quickly, Lord Peerless. With almost superhuman speed, I must say!</p>
−
We don't have a militia.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am ever at your service, my king.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Now this guy, Willis, ''he ''knows how to serve his king.</p>
−
You don't have a militia?!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(resentful)</p>
−
We're a small, inconsequential
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.</p>
−
village and there hasn't been a war
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
−
in over a generation.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My king is too kind. I am but your humble servant.</p>
−
VILLAGER 4
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
The War of the Trance Worm!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And some day my son-in-law!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Some day soon, I hope!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS</p>
−
Yes, yes I know what the last war
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing)</p>
−
was.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(laughing turns awkward)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking of your future marriage, your bird has flown the coop, so to speak.</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Princess Camilla? My betrothed! Nooooooooo-</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
Why would we waste time training
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh dear. It's okay.</p>
−
when we could be farming?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">oooooooooooooooo! Oh, Betroathed! </p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(clears his throat then contines as if his previous outburst hadn't happened)</p>
−
Ep 2 Scene 4
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I will personally slaughter anyone who has laid hands upon her! Where has she been taken?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
11.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, she hasn't been ''taken'', per se. She ran away.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">With all due respect to your majesty, a jewel as precious and beautiful as the crown princess must be kept under lock and key.</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, well, you know. Princesses, what are you going to do?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
−
You do it in the winter when
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">When we are wed, I shall keep her under my supervision at all times. She will never leave the castle- nay, her rooms- without my permission. No one shall lay eyes on her without first going through me.</p>
−
there's no planting or harvesting
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
going on, you sentient floorboard!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And I'm sure she'll ''love'' that. But let's not put the royal carriage before the royal horse. Lord Peerless, I need you to return Princess Camilla to me.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It will be my greatest honor, my king.I will brave any peril to bring my betrothed back under our watchful eye. I will cross any river, conquer any mountain and crush any ''one'' and any ''thing'' that stands between us.</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
(deeply offended)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(yikes)</p>
−
We make artisanal cheeses during
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's... great. Willis?</p>
−
the winter.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She was likely following Sir--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No no, don't tell me! It's more enjoyable of a hunt for me if you don't tell me where my prey has flown. Your majesty, I will take my humble leave. Rest assured, the princess will be returned to you posthaste.</p>
−
Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have
  
   
  +
''Peerless strides out''
−
anything that can be used as
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
weapons?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Okay, bye bye, see you later!</p>
   
  +
''The DOORS CLOSE''
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">KING ALFRED</p>
−
VILLAGER 1
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, what a guy...</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">WILLIS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, sire.</p>
−
Weapons...?
  
   
  +
'''SCENE 6''''''. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.'''
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
A manic, laughing party in the distance, but with a creepy, otherworldly quality.
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You're Imperium royalty?</p>
−
Yes, weapons! Any swords or...
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
pointy sticks?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, sort of.</p>
−
VILLAGER 2
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
We have shovels.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What are you doing working for King Alfred--</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's a long story.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
−
Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My Queen! Our dinner requires parsley!</p>
−
shovel. And you better pray to
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
whatever lower-pantheon god or
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why do you interrupt our revels?</p>
−
river-spirit who looks over this
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE 1</p>
−
hovel.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Our dinner has demanded parsley.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods.</p>
−
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
That would be Barthol--
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PAR-''LEY''!!</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why is there a human with our dinner?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
I don't care who it is! Just. DO.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">To be honest I have no idea.</p>
−
IT!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's my friend.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
SCENE 5. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What is your name?</p>
−
SOUND: Same environment as before.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
SOUND: The DOORS OPEN, Peerless APPROACHES. He is the
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um. Beargil.</p>
−
stereotypical image of a knight. Tall, strong and handsome.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
You can envision him slaying dragons and rescuing swooning
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fascinating, is that Elven?</p>
−
ladies without so much as breaking a sweat.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh for the gods' sakes.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I believe it is.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beargil, is that a talisman?</p>
−
Your majesty! You sent for me?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Pardon?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That small stick in a holster around your neck. Does it protect you from the unfailing gaze of the punishing moons?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Um, it's a root actually. It's kind of a long story. Just curious, can you undo a spell that turned a human into a root?</p>
−
You arrived very quickly, Lord
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
Peerless. With almost superhuman
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No.</p>
−
speed, I must say!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, okay, nevermind.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
Ep 2 Scene 4
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We could turn the root into a fish, if you desire.</p>
−
5 5
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh no no that would be even less convenient, it's fine. Sorry to bother you.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
12.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic, so glad that's worked out. Are we going to parley or what?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, elf. We grant you parley. Say what you will. You are to be the main dish for our feast under the full moons this eve. It is a great honor. The greatest honor that can be bestowed in our realms, in fact.</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, and I am ''super'' honored. But I'm afraid you can't eat me. I am an Elven Prince of the Imperium. Killing me would provoke an interdimensional incident as not seen since the Demon War.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
−
I am ever at your service, my king.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ooooh.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">My people have magicks, Fae. They will hunt you through all thirteen dimensions if any harm comes to me. Besides, I'm probably really stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I like gamey meat!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
Now this guy, Willis, he knows how
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Very well, elf. We have no desire to cause war between our peoples. We shall make other... preparations for our feast. Now leave us to our revels before we change our minds.</p>
−
to serve his king.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
−
WILLIS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Aw, man / But I'm hungry!</p>
−
(resentful)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
−
Yes, sire.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I want you to have this. It's my favorite mummified finger.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(gross)</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(evil laughter)</p>
−
My king is too kind. I am but your
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
humble servant.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(duh)</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Don't thank them! ''That's ''the third one! I ''knew ''there was a third rule.</p>
−
(laughing)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
And some day my son-in-law!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wait, what?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beargil, you now owe us.</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
(laughing)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I do?</p>
−
Some day soon, I hope!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We may not be able to eat your royal elven friend, but in return for your thanks, you will spend the rest of eternity here by our side.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS (CONT’D)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's a bit much, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.</p>
−
(laughing)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
KING ALFRED (CONT’D)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We do not have "feelings." And look around you. There's a half horse, half orc making cupcakes with a skeleton. You were brought here because we wanted to eat your companion. This whole place is a "bit much."</p>
−
(laughing turns awkward)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And that orc-horse is ''jacked''.</p>
−
of your future marriage, your bird
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC-HORSE</p>
−
has flown the coop, so to speak.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*a very deep, manly neigh*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">How much can you press?</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm sorry?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
The Princess Camilla? My betrothed!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Mmmmmm... Lemme check...</p>
   
  +
Sound: Faendyr gets out a book. Paper flipping
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
Nooooooooo-
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yeah, you're good.</p>
−
PEERLESS (CONT’D)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You had a book the whole time and you couldn't look up the third rule?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
Oooooooooooooooooo!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I got nervous and I forgot about it, okay?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh my gods. Sorry.</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Majestic and completely fair and not all that rash Queen, my apologies. Being a stranger in your lands I am not fully aware of your customs and the implications of my completely innocuous words.</p>
−
Oh dear. No, it's-- it's
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
okay.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You seek to sway our decision. Unlike in your mortal lands, here in the Seelie Court every action you take has consequences. And we do not steer course from our traditions.</p>
−
PEERLESS (CONT’D)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
I will personally slaughter anyone
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your majesty--</p>
−
who has laid hands upon her! Where
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
has she been taken?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Silence, human! We are not finished.</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We may not be merciful, but we are not... inflexible. We cannot break the rules that govern our Court, but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let us offer you an exchange. A life for a life?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ALL FAERIES</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(chanting)</p>
−
Well, she hasn't been taken, per
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Life for a life! Life for a life!</p>
−
se. She ran away.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hang on! Time out.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You may take a moment to consider, but remember, time moves differently in this realm.</p>
−
With all due respect, your majesty,
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
a jewel as precious and beautiful
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
−
as the crown princess must be kept
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I don't want to stay here, F-- uh, Gil.</p>
−
under lock and key.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Fantastic, great, then just say yes!</p>
−
Ep 2 Scene 5
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But I don't want to kill an innocent Faerie or whatever weird, evil thing they want me to do so we can leave.</p>
−
13.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You kill people for a living.</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I protect the kingdom for a living!</p>
−
Yeah, well, you know. Princesses,
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
what are you going to do?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sotto)</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">By killing people!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DORA FAERIE</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Your skin is sooo soft. It will make a lovely mask.</p>
−
When we are wed, I shall keep her
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
under my supervision at all times.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Okay that's it.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(loudly)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We accept!</p>
−
She will never leave the castle-
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
nay, her rooms- without my
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(evil laugh)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Wonderful!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Colin! Come here.</p>
−
permission. No one shall lay eyes
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
−
on her without first going through
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here?</p>
−
me.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No. HERE. Where we are.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(further away)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
And I'm sure she'll love that. But
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HERE. ''HERE''! Over... no, forget it, that's fine. Bear--</p>
−
let's not put the royal carriage
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
−
before the royal horse. Lord
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(uncomfortably close)</p>
−
Peerless, I need you to return
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Here?</p>
−
Princess Camilla to me.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">YES!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hail and well met, friends!</p>
−
It will be my greatest honor, my
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
king. I will brave any peril to
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hey.</p>
−
bring my betrothed back under our
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
watchful eye. I will cross any
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, hi.</p>
−
river, conquer any mountain and
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
crush any one and any thing that
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Beargil, in exchange for your life, you must take that of the human child, Colin.</p>
−
stands between us.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oooooh!</p>
−
(yikes)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
−
That's... great. Willis?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You want me to kill a child?!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We may be a monster, but by the moons, no! We fae often... ''borrow ''mortal children to amuse our court.
−
WILLIS
  
  +
However, Colin has caused much trouble since he arrived, and we are unable to return him to his family. We ask that you take charge of him.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Um, sorry, but we're actually in the middle of a quest? And that's a lot of responsibility.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
She was likely following Sir--
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Are you sure you don't want us to just kill him?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">GILBERT</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Faen-- uh, Gil!</p>
−
PEERLESS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">COLIN</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That's fair, I ''am'' a lot of responsibility.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
No no, don't tell me. It's more
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That seems a bit, as Beargil says, "much," but we are unfamiliar with the ways of the Mortal Realm and frankly, you may do as you wish with the child when you are no longer in our court.</p>
−
enjoyable of a hunt for me if you
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
don't tell me where my prey has
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You could always just eat him instead.</p>
−
flown. Your majesty, I will take my
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAERIE QUEEN</p>
−
humble leave. Rest assured, the
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Eat... a child?! We do not eat ''children''... they are unripe! What a thing to suggest!</p>
−
princess will be returned to you
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">FAENDYR</p>
−
posthaste.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ewwwww.</p>
−
SOUND: Peerless WALKS AWAY
  
   
  +
'''SCENE 7''''''. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.'''
−
KING ALFRED
  
   
  +
''Outside again, same environment as before, but with the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8 orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried noises''.
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(to villagers)</p>
−
Okay, bye bye, see you later!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Now calm down everyone. Maybe they're just here to visit. Not all orcs are violent, you know.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 1</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why are they heavily armored then?</p>
−
SOUND: The DOORS CLOSE
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGER 2</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And they have their weapons drawn.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
KING ALFRED (CONT’D)
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Maybe they're LARPing.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You are an idiot.</p>
−
What a guy...
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
WILLIS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Orcs!</p>
−
Yes, sire.
  
   
  +
''The marching has stopped. They are confused. ''
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! You! I--</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
Ep 2 Scene 5
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why is small soft human standing in way of Olfga? Olfga has business.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Well, I demand that you stop your business.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why soft human have shovel?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's a dangerous weapon.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like when Olfga crush weak human's body and need to hide corpse underground so smell of decomposing flesh not attract dragons.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I could still hurt you with it.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is amused by small human's... how you say? Pluck.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank you very much. But I demand you tell me what your business is in my village.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga is head of orc mercenary band. You see my seven, strong, handsome boys?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*grumble*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It would be difficult to miss your exceptionally large and very capable-looking... boys.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oi. 'Sup.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*grumble*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys come all the way from Navakinsk to complete job in dwarf lands.</p>
−
14.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Sunken Kingdom?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
SCENE 6. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Is no other dwarf lands in Ilsylian, so yes.</p>
−
SOUND: A party. Laughing, music, etc, but with a creepy,
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
otherworldly quality.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">''I'' know that. I'm providing context for the audience. No need to be snippy.</p>
−
GILBERT
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
You're Imperium royalty?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">World-building is really challenging in an audio-only format.</p>
−
FAENDYR
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
Um, sort of?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But Olfga and boys have problem. Dwarves will not let strong, beautiful Navakinski orcs into their lands.</p>
−
GILBERT
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(sarcastic)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">What? Why??</p>
−
What are you doing working for King
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
Alfred in Kirkland then?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Bard?</p>
−
FAENDYR
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
It's a long story.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes?</p>
−
FAERIE 1
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Shut up.
  +
I know the Sunken Kingdom and Navakinsk have an adversarial history, but that's a bit xenophobic, I must say.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
My Queen! Our dinner requires
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga has accepted that these northern kingdoms are backward and behind times.</p>
−
parsley!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*agreement*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OFLGA</p>
−
SOUND: Party noises and music STOP on a jarring note,
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Not like pluralistic and democratic orc societies. But Olfga digress.</p>
−
followed by annoyed murmuring from the guests.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">If you're headed to the Sunken Kingdom, why are you in our village? The closest entrance is accessed by the King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone out of your way.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga and boys need to kidnap some small, soft humans.</p>
   
  +
'''SCENE 8''''''. INT. DANCING DONKEY.'''
   
  +
''The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few customers. From inside, we hear a HORSE approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting. Then, the DOOR OPENS.''
−
Why do you interrupt our revels?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS</p>
−
FAERIE 1
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(etc)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">DANIEL VILLAGER</p>
−
Our dinner has demanded parsley.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I like him more than a friend!</p>
−
GILBERT
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy peasants.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON</p>
−
Oh my gods.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(delighted)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He ''noticed'' us!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
−
FAENDYR
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">To what do we owe the honor, my lord? What drink may I get you? On the house, of course.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking wayward quarry today.</p>
−
PAR-LEY!!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll leave you to it.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS</p>
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*excited murmuring*</p>
−
Why is there a human with our
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
−
dinner?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Shhh! Let the man work!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hmm... she ''was ''here. There is her delicate boot-print. Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that attractive elf mage were also here, I can feel it. There was a great discussion. She was disguised... poorly... as a barmaid! And this-</p>
−
GILBERT
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON 2</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Hey that's me drink.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
−
To be honest I have no idea.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*sniff sniff* this was the tankard from which she drank. They discussed... something. She convinced them. And then they left... together! Headed to the half-elf witch Gwendolyn, no doubt.</p>
−
CREEPY FAERIE
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRONS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(Clapping)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">PATRON 3</p>
−
He's my friend.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">He's good, he is!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Spot on, as always, my lord! You have an almost superhuman talent for that sort of thing, I must say.</p>
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">SIR PEERLESS</p>
−
What is your name?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(charming)</p>
−
GILBERT
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes, I am very good.</p>
−
Um. Beargil.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But I could have just told you her royal highness and her companions had been here.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
Fascinating, is that Elven?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
Oh for the gods' sakes.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−
6 6
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
15.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
I believe it is.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
Beargil, is that a talisman?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Pardon?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
That small stick in a holster
  
−  
−
around your neck. Does it protect
  
−  
−
you from the unfailing gaze of the
  
−  
−
punishing moons?
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh. Um, it's a root actually? It's
  
−  
−
kind of a long story. Just curious,
  
−  
−
can you undo a spell that turned a
  
−  
−
human into a root?
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
No.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Oh, okay, nevermind.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
We could turn the root into a fish,
  
−  
−
if you desire.
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh no no that would be even less
  
−  
−
convenient, it's fine. Sorry to
  
−  
−
bother you.
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Fantastic, so glad that's worked
  
−  
−
out. Are we going to parley or
  
−  
−
what?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
Very well, elf. We grant you
  
−  
−
parley. Say what you will. You are
  
−  
−
to be the main dish for our feast
  
−  
−
under the full moons this eve. It
  
−  
−
is a great honor. The greatest
  
−  
−
honor that can be bestowed in our
  
−  
−
realms, in fact.
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh, and I am super honored. But I'm
  
−  
−
afraid you can't eat me. I am an
  
−  
−
Elven Prince of the Imperium.
  
−  
−
Killing me would provoke an
  
−  
−
interdimensional incident as not
  
−  
−
seen since the Demon War.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
16.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ooooh.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
My people have magicks, Fae. They
  
−  
−
will hunt you through all thirteen
  
−  
−
dimensions if any harm comes to me.
  
−  
−
Besides, I'm probably really
  
−  
−
stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CREEPY FAERIE
  
−  
−
I like gamey meat.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Very well, elf. We have no desire
  
−  
−
to cause war between our peoples.
  
−  
−
We shall make other... preparations
  
−  
−
for our feast. Now leave us to our
  
−  
−
revels before we change our minds.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Aw, man.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CREEPY FAERIE
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I
  
−  
−
want you to have this. It's my
  
−  
−
favorite mummified finger.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
(gross)
  
−  
−
Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−
(evil laughter)
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
(duh)
  
−  
−
Don't thank them! That's the third
  
−  
−
one! I knew there was a third rule.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Wait, what?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
Beargil, you now owe us.
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I do?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
We may not be able to eat your
  
−  
−
royal elven friend, but in return
  
−  
−
for your thanks, you will spend the
  
−  
−
rest of eternity here by our side.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
17.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
That's a bit much, I just didn't
  
−  
−
want to hurt her feelings.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
We do not have "feelings." And look
  
−  
−
around you. There's a half horse,
  
−  
−
half orc making cupcakes with a
  
−  
−
skeleton. You were brought here
  
−  
−
because we wanted to eat your
  
−  
−
companion. This whole place is a
  
−  
−
"bit much."
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Woah. And that orc-horse is jacked.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
ORC-HORSE
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>dude neighing*
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
How much can you press?
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm
  
−  
−
sorry?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
Oh. Mmmmmm...
  
−  
−
Sound: Paper flipping
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR (CONT’D)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Yeah, you're good.
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You had a book the whole time and
  
−  
−
you couldn't look up the third
  
−  
−
rule?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I got nervous and I forgot about
  
−  
−
it, okay?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Oh my gods. Sorry.
  
−  
−
Majestic and completely fair and
  
−  
−
not at all rash Queen, my
  
−  
−
apologies. Being a stranger in your
  
−  
−
land I am not fully aware of your
  
−  
−
customs and the implications of my
  
−  
−
completely innocuous words.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You seek to sway our decision.
  
−  
−
Unlike in your mortal lands, here
  
−  
−
in the Seelie Court every action
  
−  
−
you take has consequences.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
(MORE)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
18.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN (CONT’D)
  
−  
−
And we do not steer course from our
  
−  
−
traditions.
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Your majesty--
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
Silence, human! We are not
  
−  
−
finished.
  
−  
−
We may not be merciful, but we are
  
−  
−
not... inflexible. We cannot break
  
−  
−
the rules that govern our Court,
  
−  
−
but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let
  
−  
−
us offer you an exchange. A life
  
−  
−
for a life?
  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oooooh!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Hang on! Time out.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You may take a moment to consider,
  
−  
−
but remember, time moves
  
−  
−
differently in this realm.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
(sotto)
  
−  
−
I don't want to stay here, F-- uh,
  
−  
−
Gil - yeah, that is weird.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
(sotto)
  
−  
−
Fantastic, great, then just say
  
−  
−
yes!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
(sotto)
  
−  
−
But I don't want to kill an
  
−  
−
innocent Faerie or whatever weird,
  
−  
−
evil thing they want me to do so we
  
−  
−
can leave.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
(sotto)
  
−  
−
You kill people for a living.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
(sotto)
  
−  
−
I protect the kingdom for a living!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
(sotto)
  
−  
−
By killing people!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
19.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CREEPY FAERIE
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Your skin is sooo soft. It will
  
−  
−
make a lovely mask.
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−
Okay, that's it.
  
−  
−
(loudly)
  
−  
−
We accept!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SCENE 6.1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
(evil laugh)
  
−  
−
Wonderful.
  
−  
−
Colin! Come here.
  
−  
−
COLIN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Here?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−
No. HERE. Where we are.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
COLIN
  
−  
−
(further away)
  
−  
−
Here?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HERE. HERE! Over... no, that's
  
−  
−
fine. Just forget it. Bear--
  
−  
−  
−  
−
COLIN
  
−  
−
(uncomfortably close)
  
−  
−
Here?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
YES!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
COLIN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Hail and well met, friends!
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Hey.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Um, hi.
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Beargil, in exchange for your life,
  
−  
−
you must take that of the human
  
−  
−
child, Colin.
  
−  
−
COLIN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oooooh!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You want me to kill a child?!
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
We may be a monster, but by the
  
−  
−
moons, no!
  
−  
−
(MORE)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
20.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN (CONT’D)
  
−  
−
We fae often... borrow mortal
  
−  
−
children to amuse our court.
  
−  
−
However, Colin has caused much
  
−  
−
trouble since he arrived, and we
  
−  
−
are unable to return him to his
  
−  
−
family. We ask that you take charge
  
−  
−
of him.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Um, sorry, but we're actually in
  
−  
−
the middle of a quest? And that's a
  
−  
−
lot of responsibility.
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Are you sure you don't want us to
  
−  
−
just kill him?
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−
Faen-- uh, Gil!
  
−  
−
COLIN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
That's fair, I am a lot of
  
−  
−
responsibility.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
That seems a bit, as Beargil says,
  
−  
−
"much," but we are unfamiliar with
  
−  
−
the ways of your mortal realm and
  
−  
−
frankly, you may do as you wish
  
−  
−
with the child when you are no
  
−  
−
longer in our court.
  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You could always just eat him
  
−  
−
instead.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAIRIES
  
−  
−
(horrified noises)
  
−  
−
FAERIE QUEEN
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Eat... a child?! We do not eat
  
−  
−
children... they are unripe! What a
  
−  
−
thing to suggest!
  
−  
−
GILBERT
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh my gods.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
FAENDYR
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ewwwww.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SCENE 7. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.
  
−  
−
SOUND: Outside again, same environment as before, but with
  
−  
−
the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8
  
−  
−
orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried
  
−  
−
noises.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 6
  
−  
−
7 7
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
21.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
(to villagers)
  
−  
−
Now calm down everyone. Maybe
  
−  
−
they're just here to visit. Not all
  
−  
−
orcs are violent, you know.
  
−  
−
VILLAGER 1
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Why are they heavily armored then?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
VILLAGER 2
  
−  
−  
−  
−
And they have their weapons drawn.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
Maybe they're LARPing.
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
You are an idiot.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SOUND: The orcs have arrived. The villagers are more loudly
  
−  
−
worried.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA (CONT’D)
  
−  
−
Orcs! ... I demand that you stop!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SOUND: ORC marching stop.
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Why is small soft human standing in
  
−  
−
way of Olfga? Olfga has business.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Olfga is the leader of the mercenary band made up of male
  
−  
−
orcs. She is taller, stronger, and better looking than them
  
−  
−
too. She's super attractive if you're into a woman who can
  
−  
−
crush your skull with her bare hands.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Well, I demand that you stop your
  
−  
−
business.
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Why soft human have shovel?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
It's a dangerous weapon.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like
  
−  
−
when Olfga crush weak human's body
  
−  
−
and need to hide corpse underground
  
−  
−
so smell of decomposing flesh not
  
−  
−
attract dragons. Is small soft
  
−  
−
human touched in head?
  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Yes.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 7
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
22.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I could still hurt you with it.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Olfga is amused by small human's...
  
−  
−
how you say? Pluck.
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Thank you very much. But I demand
  
−  
−
you tell me what your business is
  
−  
−
in my village.
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Olfga is head of orc mercenary
  
−  
−
band. You see my seven, strong,
  
−  
−
handsome boys?
  
−  
−
ORC BOYS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>grumble*
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
It would be difficult to miss your
  
−  
−
exceptionally large and very
  
−  
−
capable-looking... boys.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−
Hey. 'Sup.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
ORC BOYS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>grumble*
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Olfga and boys have job in dwarf
  
−  
−
lands.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
The Sunken Kingdom?
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Is no other dwarf lands in
  
−  
−
Ilsylian, so yes.
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I know that. I'm providing context
  
−  
−
for the audience. No need to be
  
−  
−
snippy.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
World-building is really
  
−  
−
challenging in an audio-only
  
−  
−
format.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
But Olfga and boys have problem.
  
−  
−
Dwarves will not let strong,
  
−  
−
beautiful Navakinski orcs into
  
−  
−
their lands.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 7
  
−  
−  
−  
−
23.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−
(sarcastic)
  
−  
−
What? Why??
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Bard?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Yes?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Shut up.
  
−  
−
I know the Sunken Kingdom and
  
−  
−
Navakinsk have an adversarial
  
−  
−
history, but that's a bit
  
−  
−
xenophobic, I must say.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Olfga has accepted that these
  
−  
−
northern kingdoms are backward and
  
−  
−
behind times. Not like pluralistic
  
−  
−
and democratic orc societies. But
  
−  
−
Olfga digress.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
But if you're headed to the Sunken
  
−  
−
Kingdom, why are you in our
  
−  
−
village? The closest entrance to
  
−  
−
their lands is accessed by the
  
−  
−
King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone
  
−  
−
out of your way.
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga
  
−  
−
and boys need to kidnap some small,
  
−  
−
soft humans.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
QUICK CUT TO:
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SCENE 8. INT. DANCING DONKEY.
  
−  
−
SOUND: The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few
  
−  
−
customers, drinks clinking, etc. From inside, we hear a HORSE
  
−  
−
approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting.
  
−  
−
Then, the DOOR OPENS.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the
  
−  
−
Inn of the Dancing Donkey!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
PATRONS
  
−  
−
(happy to see him)
  
−  
−
Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!
  
−  
−
(etc)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 7
  
−  
−
8 8
  
−  
−  
−  
−
24.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
PEERLESS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy
  
−  
−
peasants.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
PATRON
  
−  
−
(delighted)
  
−  
−
He noticed us!
  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
To what do we owe the honor, my
  
−  
−
lord? What drink may I get you? On
  
−  
−
the house, of course.
  
−  
−
LORD PEERLESS
  
−  
−
Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking
  
−  
−
wayward quarry today.
  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll
  
−  
−
leave you to it.
  
−  
−
PATRONS
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>excited murmuring*
  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−
Shhh! Let the man work!
  
−  
−
LORD PEERLESS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Hmm... she was here. There is her
  
−  
−
delicate boot-print.
  
−  
−
Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that
  
−  
−
attractive elf mage were also here,
  
−  
−
I can feel it. There was a great
  
−  
−
discussion.
  
−  
−
She was disguised... poorly... as a
  
−  
−
barmaid! And this--
  
−  
−
PATRON 1
  
−  
−
Hey. That's me drink.
  
−  
−
LORD PEERLESS
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>sniff sniff* this was the tankard
  
−  
−
from which she drank.
  
−  
−
They discussed... something. She
  
−  
−
convinced them.
  
−  
−
And then they left... together!
  
−  
−
Headed to the half-elf witch
  
−  
−
Gwendolyn, no doubt.
  
−  
−
PATRONS
  
−  
−
(Clapping)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
PATRON 2
  
−  
−
He's good, he is!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Spot on, as always, my lord! You
  
−  
−
have an almost superhuman talent
  
−  
−
for that sort of thing, I must say.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 8
  
−  
−  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
−  
−  
−  
−
25.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
SIR PEERLESS
  
−  
−
(charming)
  
−  
−
Yes, I am very good.
  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
But I could have just told you her
  
−  
−
royal highness and her companions
  
−  
−
had been here.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
LORD PEERLESS
  
−  
−
(winning laugh)
  
−  
−
But where's the fun in that?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(winning laugh)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But where's the fun in that?</p>
   
 
SOUND: COIN FLIP
  
SOUND: COIN FLIP
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LORD PEERLESS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Keep the change!</p>
   
  +
SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. Peerless rides off.
−
LORD PEERLESS (CONT’D)
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Keep the change!
  
−  
−
SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE
  
−  
−
BARTENDER
  
−  
−  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARKEEP</p>
−
How can it be change if he didn't
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">How can it be change if he didn't buy anything?</p>
−
buy anything?
  
   
−
SCENE 9. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK
 +
'''SCENE 9''''''. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK'''
   
 
SOUND: Same as before.
  
SOUND: Same as before.
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
−
You need to what?
 +
<p style="text-align:center;">You need to ''what''?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
OLFGA
  
   
−
Need to kidnap humans.
 +
<p style="text-align:center;">Need to kidnap humans.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ORC BOYS</p>
−
ORC BOYS
  
   
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>eager orc noises*
 +
<p style="text-align:center;">*eager orc noises*</p>
   
−
VILLAGERS
 +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
   
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>worried noises*
 +
<p style="text-align:center;">*worried noises*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
OLFGA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Dwarves will not let band of strong beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.But with some soft weak humans as decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and boys in.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But what if we don't want to come with you?</p>
−
Dwarves will not let band of strong
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
−
beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga not force you.</p>
−
But with some soft weak humans as
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
−
decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh. Thank you.</p>
−
boys in.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*relieved noises*</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Thank Bartholomew!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">But if some don't come, Olfga personally break limbs of every village inhabitant like little dry twigs.</p>
−
But what if we don't want to come
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">VILLAGERS</p>
−
with you?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">*concerned noises*</p>
−
OLFGA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">ANXIOUS VILLAGER</p>
−
Olfga not force you.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I take it back!</p>
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">That sounds fair.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
Oh. Thank you.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">No, it doesn't! You can't come marching into this village and demand we do what you say.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Look who's talking...</p>
−
Ep 2 Scene 8
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
9 9
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">As your queen I demand you shut your mouth, you absolute barndoor.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Case in point.</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Why you say small female is queen?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
26.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Uh...</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">She's the crown princess.</p>
−
VILLAGERS
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>relieved noises*
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am not.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">HEAD VILLAGER</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!</p>
−
WORRIED VILLAGER
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
Thank Bartholomew!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I am but a well-dressed peasant girl.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Do you have a gold sovereign?</p>
−
OLFGA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Yes?...</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
But if some don't come, Olfga
  
−  
−
personally break limbs of every
  
−  
−
village inhabitant like little dry
  
−  
−
twigs.
  
−  
−
VILLAGERS
  
−  
−
<nowiki>*</nowiki>concerned noises*
  
−  
−  
−  
−
WORRIED VILLAGER
  
−  
−
I take it back!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
That sounds fair.
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−
No, it doesn't!
  
−  
−
You can't come marching into this
  
−  
−
village and demand we do what you
  
−  
−
say.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
Look who's talking...
  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
As your queen I demand you shut
  
−  
−
your mouth, you absolute barndoor.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Case in point.
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Why you say small female is queen?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Uh...
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−
She's the crown princess.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I am not.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I am but a well-dressed peasant
  
−  
−
girl.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
HEAD VILLAGER
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Have you ever seen a peasant girl
  
−  
−
dressed in silks and velvet?!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You're looking at one now!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Ep 2 Scene 9
  
−  
−  
−  
−
27.
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Do you have a gold sovereign?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Yes?...
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
I'd take a gander at it if I were
  
−  
−
you.
  
−  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">I'd take a gander at it if I were you.</p>
   
 
SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:
  
SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Whose side are you on?</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Bard! Who's side are you on?
  
−  
−  
−  
−
BARD
  
−  
−  
−  
−
You know, that's a good question,
  
−  
−
actually. I've been asking myself
  
−  
−
where I really see myself in life.
  
−  
−
I think I'm more of a chaotic
  
−  
−
neutral type, if I'm honest with
  
−  
−
myself. Kind of a trickster
  
−  
−
archetype maybe?
  
−  
−
OLFGA
  
−  
−  
−  
−
Oh! It look just like her! Even has
  
−  
−
big nose!
  
−  
−  
−  
−
CAMILLA
  
−  
−  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">You know, that's a good question actually. I've been asking myself where I really see myself in life. I think I'm more of a chaotic neutral type if I'm being honest with myself.</p>
−
It's an unflattering angle!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh! It look just like her! Even has big nose!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
−
OLFGA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It's an unflattering angle!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">OLFGA</p>
   
−
Olfga and boys take small human
 +
<p style="text-align:center;">Olfga and boys take small human ''princess'' now!</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
princess now.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">It seems that the Princess has gotten herself into a bit of pickle! Can she demand her way out of this one?</p>
−
BARD
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">CAMILLA</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Oh shut up, you.</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">BARD</p>
−
It seems that the Princess has
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever escape the clutches of the ravenous faeries? Find out next time on...THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!</p>
−
gotten herself into a bit of
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''CREDITS'''</p>
−
pickle! Can she demand her way out
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Lena</p>
−
of this one?
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Andrew Quilpa, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Tom Howley,  Jenny Oberholtzer and Courtney Branch. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish</p>
−
CAMILLA
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''BLOOPER'''</p>
−
Oh shut up, you.
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA </p>
−
BARD
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(in the background)</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Change my page. So we just need....</p>
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">REILLY</p>
−
And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">(singing)</p>
−
mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">We're eating humans -- (Andrew snorts, then joins in) gonna have some meat</p>
−
escape the clutches of the ravenous
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">LENA</p>
−
faeries? Find out next time on...
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">Okay that's right, this is what we need. Do you know, do you have--  Oh no, you're busy</p>
−
THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">REILLY</p>
−
ROOT!
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">befor the night is through..... Sorry what?</p>
−
Music: End theme
  
   
  +
<p style="text-align:center;">'''END OF EPISODE'''</p>
−
CREDITS
  

Revision as of 07:12, 19 January 2020

SFX: A tape inserted into a deck, and the play button pressed RECAP

FAENDYR

You're gonna eat us?

FAERIE 2

Oh no! Not the both of you

FAERIE 1

Just you elf.

FAERIE 2

We're bored with human.

FAENDYR

Fantastic.

BARD

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

Theme music

SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.

A pastoral village. Rooster, goats and other farm animals. Fittingly, a bubbling brook nearby.





CAMILLA

I must say that's the first time in my life I've actually been glad to see a tavern...
Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?
Bard, where did they go?

BARD

I believe they may have been abducted by fairies.

CAMILLA

Keep your job as a bard, you make a poor jester.

BARD

I'm not in jest.

CAMILLA

Well, I think you're an unreliable narrator.

(calling:)

Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I demand you show yourselves!

Footsteps in the grass as the Head Villager approaches

HEAD VILLAGER

(from further away)

Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling Brook!

CAMILLA

Finally, a welcoming party.

HEAD VILLAGER

What brings you to our humble village?

CAMILLA

You're not bowing.

HEAD VILLAGER

I'm sorry?

CAMILLA

Don't you know who I am?

HEAD VILLAGER

Should I?

BARD

Uh, duh.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress she is someone of great wealth...?

The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE

BARD

(singing)

She's the crown princess... Crown Princess of Kirkland--

CAMILLA

Yes yes. That's quite enough.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh, my apologies, your majesty!

CAMILLA

You are forgiven.

HEAD VILLAGER

We don't normally get you royal-types around here. Truth be told, we don't get much of anyone.

CAMILLA

Yes, I can see why. Who is in charge here?

HEAD VILLAGER

In charge?

CAMILLA

What noble lord commands your village?

HEAD VILLAGER

Well, we're vassals of Lord Peerless--

BARD

Mmm, Peerless.

CAMILLA

Ugh. Peerless.

BARD

They're engaged.

HEAD VILLAGER

You're a lucky woman. He is the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. And rather handsome too.

CAMILLA

His face is... symmetrical enough, I suppose. I find him intolerable.

BARD

Young love. Beautiful.

HEAD VILLAGER

But while we are his vassals, Lord Peerless lets us manage the village ourselves.

CAMILLA

Of course he does.

HEAD VILLAGER

We choose one of our own in bi-yearly elections to decide who will represent the village in any political matters, and we vote on any major projects for the village.

CAMILLA

No wonder nothing gets done. Well! I am crown princess and future queen. I now declare you my vassals.

HEAD VILLAGER

You can't do that... can you?

CAMILLA

Call a hearing or whatever it is you do, I must speak to the village.

HEAD VILLAGER

I... very well.

The head villager starts to WALK AWAY

CAMILLA

Uh uh... don't turn your back to me.

HEAD VILLAGER

Excuse me?

CAMILLA

It's very rude to turn your back to the Crown Princess. Walk backwards.

HEAD VILLAGER

Yes, your majesty.

He awkardly walks away

BARD

Forgive my boldness, Princess, but what in the infernal plane are you doing?

CAMILLA

My so-called companions think they can abandon me. My father thinks I'm not ready for leadership. Well, I'll show them all that I am more than capable on my own.
You know, this is fun! I'm so glad I left the castle.

SFX: Hapsicord transition

SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.

A door slams opens and Alfred comes running into the room

KING ALFRED

Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I need you!

WILLIS

I'm right here, your majesty.

KING ALFRED

(startled)

Oh! Don't sneak up on me Willis!

WILLIS

Yes, your majesty.

KING ALFRED

Your footsteps are far too quiet. In the future, please wear one of those little cat collars with a bell.

WILLIS

(long suffering sigh)

Yes, sire.

KING ALFRED

Hm. Where was I?

WILLIS

The princess, sire.

KING ALFRED

Oh, of course.
She's gone, Willis! Gone!

WILLIS

I believe she left the castle to join the Companions of the Root on their journey.

KING ALFRED

She what?! But I told her not to!

WILLIS

You did indeed, sire.

KING ALFRED

And she ignored me?!

WILLIS

It would seem so, sire.

KING ALFRED

But... but...! I commanded her not to! I'm the KING, she has to do what I say.

WILLIS

Of course, sire. As you say.

KING ALFRED

And it's dangerous outside of the castle grounds! What if she sees a peasant? They are the worst.

WILLIS

They are entirely too pathetic, your majesty.

KING ALFRED

You know I think they catch plagues just to spite me.

WILLIS

That sounds likely, sire.

KING ALFRED

She's gotten too headstrong. Where did I go wrong?

WILLIS

It's difficult to pin it on one particular instance, sire. There are so very many.

KING ALFRED

Perhaps I should have let her keep her dragon?

WILLIS

Perhaps. Though the servants were a bit... distracted by their co-workers being stalked and disemboweled in the hallways, sire.

KING ALFRED

And all that blood was starting to stain the upstairs tapestries. It was embarrassing when we had guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-stained tapestries.

WILLIS

As you say, sire. If you would permit me, do you wish to have her returned?

KING ALFRED

The dragon?

WILLIS

Her highness, sire.

KING ALFRED

Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.

WILLIS

Whom shall I send for?

KING ALFRED

Willis, this is a job for my best knight! Bring me Lord Peerless the Exceptional!

SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.

Strangle bells ring in the air. 


FAENDYR

You want to eat me?

FAERIE 1

Oh, yes!

DORA FAERIE

Very much!

FAENDYR

And that's not like some weird faerie thing? You want to actually kill me, cook my body parts, and then eat my flesh?

FAERIE 1

Oh no! There must be some mistake.

GILBERT

Thank the gods!

FAERIE 1

We're not going to cook you! We will consume your flesh raw, of course.

FAENDYR

Oh, "Of course." Fantastic.

GILBERT

Excuse me, little faerie...

(she giggles)

please don't touch me.

DORA FAERIE

I like you.

GILBERT

Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my leg. Please?

FAERIE 2

Come, come, friends! We'll take you to the kitchens.

FAENDYR

Waitwaitwait! I demand parley!

FAERIES

(chittering among themselves)

Parsley? / Why does it want parsley? / Isn't that a plant?

FAENDYR

Parley! I am an Elven Prince. My family has ruled over the Imperium for thousands of years. I demand you bring me to your Queen!

ALL FAERIES

Oooooooh!

'SCENE 4'. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.

SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK among themselves. 

CAMILLA

Greetings... You! Stop ringing that bell!

They stop.

CAMILLA

Oh thank the gods. Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling Spring--

VILLAGER 1

Rippling Brook!

CAMILLA

Whatever. It is I, your Queen.

VILLAGER 1

Queen?

VILLAGER 2

I thought we had a king?

VILLAGER 1

Did he die?

BARD

Not yet.

CAMILLA

I am the Crown Princess Camilla, heir to the throne of Kirkland. I have blessed your village with my patronage. You are now my vassals. I accept your thanks.

VILLAGER 3

Thanks for what?

BARD

I have to say, this is going better than I thought it would.

CAMILLA

I am on a vitally important quest. However, coming across your village in my travels, I have decided to delay my plans. Under my leadership, this village shall transform from a dull place where dreams go to die, into a quaint and bucolic village that will be the envy of the kingdom.

HEAD VILLAGER

I really think we should clear this with Lord Peerless--

CAMILLA

Forget Peerless.

VILLAGER 2

But when we had that famine two years ago he personally brought us food from his own pantries to keep us alive.

CHILD VILLAGER

He got my cat Fluffkins out of a tree!

FLUFFIKNIS

Meow.

HEAD VILLAGER

And that time--

CAMILLA

Forget Lord Peerless! We shall begin by repainting --

SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

Sir!

HEAD VILLAGER

What is it?

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

A band of mercenaries is coming this way!

ALL VILLAGERS

(concerned murmuring)

CAMILLA

I am your queen, you will provide all updates to me.

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

Uh... A band of mercenaries is coming this way... um, your majesty. They appear to all be orcs. And they're heavily armed.

VILLAGERS (more concerned murmuring)

VILLAGER 1

Oh no! Not orcs!

CAMILLA

This sounds problematic.

HEAD VILLAGER

You think?

CAMILLA

Yes, I think. Ready the militia.

VILLAGER 3

We don't have a militia.

CAMILLA

You don't have a militia?!

HEAD VILLAGER

We're a small, inconsequential village and there hasn't been a war in over a generation.

VILLAGER 2

The War of the Trance Worm!

CAMILLA

Yes, I know what the last war was.

HEAD VILLAGER

Why would we waste time training when we could be farming?

CAMILLA

You do it in the winter when there's no planting or harvesting going on, you sentient floorboard!

HEAD VILLAGER

(deeply offended)

We make artisanal cheeses during the winter!

CAMILLA

Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have anything that can be used as weapons?

VILLAGER 1

Weapons...?

CAMILLA

Yes, weapons! Any swords or... pointy sticks?

VILLAGER 2

We have shovels.

VILLAGERS

(mutters of agreement)

CAMILLA

Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a shovel. And you better pray to whatever lower-pantheon god or river-spirit who looks over this hovel.

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

That would be Barthol--

CAMILLA

I don't care who it is! Just. DO. IT!

'SCENE 5'. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.

PEERLESS

Your majesty! You sent for me?

KING ALFRED

You arrived very quickly, Lord Peerless. With almost superhuman speed, I must say!

PEERLESS

I am ever at your service, my king.

KING ALFRED

Now this guy, Willis, he knows how to serve his king.

WILLIS

(resentful)

Yes, sire.

PEERLESS

My king is too kind. I am but your humble servant.

KING ALFRED

(laughing)

And some day my son-in-law!

PEERLESS

(laughing)

Some day soon, I hope!

KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS

(laughing)

KING ALFRED

(laughing turns awkward)

Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking of your future marriage, your bird has flown the coop, so to speak.

PEERLESS

The Princess Camilla? My betrothed! Nooooooooo-

KING ALFRED

Oh dear. It's okay.

PEERLESS

oooooooooooooooo! Oh, Betroathed! 

(clears his throat then contines as if his previous outburst hadn't happened)

PEERLESS

I will personally slaughter anyone who has laid hands upon her! Where has she been taken?

KING ALFRED

Well, she hasn't been taken, per se. She ran away.

PEERLESS

With all due respect to your majesty, a jewel as precious and beautiful as the crown princess must be kept under lock and key.

KING ALFRED

Yeah, well, you know. Princesses, what are you going to do?

PEERLESS

When we are wed, I shall keep her under my supervision at all times. She will never leave the castle- nay, her rooms- without my permission. No one shall lay eyes on her without first going through me.

KING ALFRED

And I'm sure she'll love that. But let's not put the royal carriage before the royal horse. Lord Peerless, I need you to return Princess Camilla to me.

PEERLESS

It will be my greatest honor, my king.I will brave any peril to bring my betrothed back under our watchful eye. I will cross any river, conquer any mountain and crush any one and any thing that stands between us.

KING ALFRED

(yikes)

That's... great. Willis?

WILLIS

She was likely following Sir--

PEERLESS

No no, don't tell me! It's more enjoyable of a hunt for me if you don't tell me where my prey has flown. Your majesty, I will take my humble leave. Rest assured, the princess will be returned to you posthaste.

Peerless strides out

KING ALFRED

Okay, bye bye, see you later!

The DOORS CLOSE

KING ALFRED

Oh, what a guy...

WILLIS

Yes, sire.

'SCENE 6'. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.

A manic, laughing party in the distance, but with a creepy, otherworldly quality.

GILBERT

You're Imperium royalty?

FAENDYR

Um, sort of.

GILBERT

What are you doing working for King Alfred--

FAENDYR

It's a long story.

FAERIE 1

My Queen! Our dinner requires parsley!

FAERIE QUEEN

Why do you interrupt our revels?

FAERIE 1

Our dinner has demanded parsley.

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

FAENDYR

PAR-LEY!!

FAERIE QUEEN

Why is there a human with our dinner?

GILBERT

To be honest I have no idea.

DORA FAERIE

He's my friend.

FAERIE QUEEN

What is your name?

GILBERT

Um. Beargil.

FAERIE QUEEN

Fascinating, is that Elven?

FAENDYR

Oh for the gods' sakes.

GILBERT

I believe it is.

FAERIE QUEEN

Beargil, is that a talisman?

GILBERT

Pardon?

FAERIE QUEEN

That small stick in a holster around your neck. Does it protect you from the unfailing gaze of the punishing moons?

GILBERT

Oh. Um, it's a root actually. It's kind of a long story. Just curious, can you undo a spell that turned a human into a root?

FAERIE QUEEN

No.

GILBERT

Oh, okay, nevermind.

FAERIE QUEEN

We could turn the root into a fish, if you desire.

GILBERT

Oh no no that would be even less convenient, it's fine. Sorry to bother you.

FAENDYR

Fantastic, so glad that's worked out. Are we going to parley or what?

FAERIE QUEEN

Very well, elf. We grant you parley. Say what you will. You are to be the main dish for our feast under the full moons this eve. It is a great honor. The greatest honor that can be bestowed in our realms, in fact.

FAENDYR

Oh, and I am super honored. But I'm afraid you can't eat me. I am an Elven Prince of the Imperium. Killing me would provoke an interdimensional incident as not seen since the Demon War.

ALL FAERIES

Ooooh.

FAENDYR

My people have magicks, Fae. They will hunt you through all thirteen dimensions if any harm comes to me. Besides, I'm probably really stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.

DORA FAERIE

I like gamey meat!

FAERIE QUEEN

Very well, elf. We have no desire to cause war between our peoples. We shall make other... preparations for our feast. Now leave us to our revels before we change our minds.

ALL FAERIES

Aw, man / But I'm hungry!

DORA FAERIE

Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I want you to have this. It's my favorite mummified finger.

GILBERT

(gross)

Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.

ALL FAERIES

(evil laughter)

FAENDYR

(duh)

Don't thank them! That's the third one! I knew there was a third rule.

GILBERT

Wait, what?

FAERIE QUEEN

Beargil, you now owe us.

GILBERT

I do?

FAERIE QUEEN

We may not be able to eat your royal elven friend, but in return for your thanks, you will spend the rest of eternity here by our side.

GILBERT

That's a bit much, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.

FAERIE QUEEN

We do not have "feelings." And look around you. There's a half horse, half orc making cupcakes with a skeleton. You were brought here because we wanted to eat your companion. This whole place is a "bit much."

FAENDYR

And that orc-horse is jacked.

ORC-HORSE

*a very deep, manly neigh*

FAENDYR

How much can you press?

GILBERT

I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm sorry?

FAENDYR

Oh. Mmmmmm... Lemme check...

Sound: Faendyr gets out a book. Paper flipping

FAENDYR

Yeah, you're good.

GILBERT

You had a book the whole time and you couldn't look up the third rule?

FAENDYR

I got nervous and I forgot about it, okay?

GILBERT

Oh my gods. Sorry.

Majestic and completely fair and not all that rash Queen, my apologies. Being a stranger in your lands I am not fully aware of your customs and the implications of my completely innocuous words.

FAERIE QUEEN

You seek to sway our decision. Unlike in your mortal lands, here in the Seelie Court every action you take has consequences. And we do not steer course from our traditions.

GILBERT

Your majesty--

FAERIE QUEEN

Silence, human! We are not finished.

We may not be merciful, but we are not... inflexible. We cannot break the rules that govern our Court, but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let us offer you an exchange. A life for a life?

ALL FAERIES

(chanting)

Life for a life! Life for a life!

GILBERT

Hang on! Time out.

FAERIE QUEEN

You may take a moment to consider, but remember, time moves differently in this realm.

GILBERT

(sotto)

I don't want to stay here, F-- uh, Gil.

FAENDYR

(sotto)

Fantastic, great, then just say yes!

GILBERT

(sotto)

But I don't want to kill an innocent Faerie or whatever weird, evil thing they want me to do so we can leave.

FAENDYR

(sotto)

You kill people for a living.

GILBERT

(sotto)

I protect the kingdom for a living!

FAENDYR

(sotto)

By killing people!

DORA FAERIE

Your skin is sooo soft. It will make a lovely mask.

FAENDYR

Okay that's it.

(loudly)

We accept!

FAERIE QUEEN

(evil laugh)

Wonderful!

Colin! Come here.

COLIN

Here?

FAERIE QUEEN

No. HERE. Where we are.

COLIN

(further away)

Here?

FAERIE QUEEN

HERE. HERE! Over... no, forget it, that's fine. Bear--

COLIN

(uncomfortably close)

Here?

FAERIE QUEEN

YES!

COLIN

Hail and well met, friends!

FAENDYR

Hey.

GILBERT

Um, hi.

FAERIE QUEEN

Beargil, in exchange for your life, you must take that of the human child, Colin.

COLIN

Oooooh!

GILBERT

You want me to kill a child?!

FAERIE QUEEN

We may be a monster, but by the moons, no! We fae often... borrow mortal children to amuse our court. However, Colin has caused much trouble since he arrived, and we are unable to return him to his family. We ask that you take charge of him.

GILBERT

Um, sorry, but we're actually in the middle of a quest? And that's a lot of responsibility.

FAENDYR

Are you sure you don't want us to just kill him?

GILBERT

Faen-- uh, Gil!

COLIN

That's fair, I am a lot of responsibility.

FAERIE QUEEN

That seems a bit, as Beargil says, "much," but we are unfamiliar with the ways of the Mortal Realm and frankly, you may do as you wish with the child when you are no longer in our court.

FAENDYR

You could always just eat him instead.

FAERIE QUEEN

Eat... a child?! We do not eat children... they are unripe! What a thing to suggest!

FAENDYR

Ewwwww.

'SCENE 7'. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.

Outside again, same environment as before, but with the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8 orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried noises.

HEAD VILLAGER

(to villagers)

Now calm down everyone. Maybe they're just here to visit. Not all orcs are violent, you know.

VILLAGER 1

Why are they heavily armored then?

VILLAGER 2

And they have their weapons drawn.

HEAD VILLAGER

Maybe they're LARPing.

CAMILLA

You are an idiot.

CAMILLA

Orcs!

The marching has stopped. They are confused. 

Yes! You! I--

OLFGA

Why is small soft human standing in way of Olfga? Olfga has business.

CAMILLA

Well, I demand that you stop your business.

OLFGA

Why soft human have shovel?

CAMILLA

It's a dangerous weapon.

OLFGA

Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like when Olfga crush weak human's body and need to hide corpse underground so smell of decomposing flesh not attract dragons.

CAMILLA

I could still hurt you with it.

OLFGA

Olfga is amused by small human's... how you say? Pluck.

CAMILLA

Thank you very much. But I demand you tell me what your business is in my village.

OLFGA

Olfga is head of orc mercenary band. You see my seven, strong, handsome boys?

ORC BOYS

*grumble*

CAMILLA

It would be difficult to miss your exceptionally large and very capable-looking... boys.

BARD

Oi. 'Sup.

ORC BOYS

*grumble*

OLFGA

Olfga and boys come all the way from Navakinsk to complete job in dwarf lands.

CAMILLA

The Sunken Kingdom?

OLFGA

Is no other dwarf lands in Ilsylian, so yes.

CAMILLA

I know that. I'm providing context for the audience. No need to be snippy.

BARD

World-building is really challenging in an audio-only format.

OLFGA

But Olfga and boys have problem. Dwarves will not let strong, beautiful Navakinski orcs into their lands.

BARD

(sarcastic)

What? Why??

CAMILLA

Bard?

BARD

Yes?

CAMILLA

Shut up. I know the Sunken Kingdom and Navakinsk have an adversarial history, but that's a bit xenophobic, I must say.

OLFGA

Olfga has accepted that these northern kingdoms are backward and behind times.

ORC BOYS

*agreement*

OFLGA

Not like pluralistic and democratic orc societies. But Olfga digress.

HEAD VILLAGER

If you're headed to the Sunken Kingdom, why are you in our village? The closest entrance is accessed by the King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone out of your way.

OLFGA

Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga and boys need to kidnap some small, soft humans.

'SCENE 8'. INT. DANCING DONKEY.

The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few customers. From inside, we hear a HORSE approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting. Then, the DOOR OPENS.

BARKEEP

Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!

PATRONS

Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!

(etc)

DANIEL VILLAGER

I like him more than a friend!

PEERLESS

Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy peasants.

PATRON

(delighted)

He noticed us!

BARKEEP

To what do we owe the honor, my lord? What drink may I get you? On the house, of course.

LORD PEERLESS

Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking wayward quarry today.

BARKEEP

Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll leave you to it.

PATRONS

*excited murmuring*

BARKEEP

Shhh! Let the man work!

LORD PEERLESS

Hmm... she was here. There is her delicate boot-print. Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that attractive elf mage were also here, I can feel it. There was a great discussion. She was disguised... poorly... as a barmaid! And this-

PATRON 2

Hey that's me drink.

LORD PEERLESS

*sniff sniff* this was the tankard from which she drank. They discussed... something. She convinced them. And then they left... together! Headed to the half-elf witch Gwendolyn, no doubt.

PATRONS

(Clapping)

PATRON 3

He's good, he is!

BARKEEP

Spot on, as always, my lord! You have an almost superhuman talent for that sort of thing, I must say.

SIR PEERLESS

(charming)

Yes, I am very good.

BARKEEP

But I could have just told you her royal highness and her companions had been here.

LORD PEERLESS

(winning laugh)

But where's the fun in that?

SOUND: COIN FLIP

LORD PEERLESS

Keep the change!

SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. Peerless rides off.

BARKEEP

How can it be change if he didn't buy anything?

'SCENE 9'. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK

SOUND: Same as before.

CAMILLA

You need to what?

OLFGA

Need to kidnap humans.

ORC BOYS

*eager orc noises*

VILLAGERS

*worried noises*

OLFGA

Dwarves will not let band of strong beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.But with some soft weak humans as decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and boys in.

HEAD VILLAGER

But what if we don't want to come with you?

OLFGA

Olfga not force you.

HEAD VILLAGER

Oh. Thank you.

VILLAGERS

*relieved noises*

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

Thank Bartholomew!

OLFGA

But if some don't come, Olfga personally break limbs of every village inhabitant like little dry twigs.

VILLAGERS

*concerned noises*

ANXIOUS VILLAGER

I take it back!

HEAD VILLAGER

That sounds fair.

CAMILLA

No, it doesn't! You can't come marching into this village and demand we do what you say.

HEAD VILLAGER

Look who's talking...

CAMILLA

As your queen I demand you shut your mouth, you absolute barndoor.

HEAD VILLAGER

Case in point.

OLFGA

Why you say small female is queen?

CAMILLA

Uh...

HEAD VILLAGER

She's the crown princess.

CAMILLA

I am not.

HEAD VILLAGER

Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!

CAMILLA

I am but a well-dressed peasant girl.

BARD

Do you have a gold sovereign?

OLFGA

Yes?...

BARD

I'd take a gander at it if I were you.

SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:

CAMILLA

Whose side are you on?

BARD

You know, that's a good question actually. I've been asking myself where I really see myself in life. I think I'm more of a chaotic neutral type if I'm being honest with myself.

OLFGA

Oh! It look just like her! Even has big nose!

CAMILLA

It's an unflattering angle!

OLFGA

Olfga and boys take small human princess now!

BARD

It seems that the Princess has gotten herself into a bit of pickle! Can she demand her way out of this one?

CAMILLA

Oh shut up, you.

BARD

And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever escape the clutches of the ravenous faeries? Find out next time on...THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

Lena

The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Andrew Quilpa, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Tom Howley,  Jenny Oberholtzer and Courtney Branch. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish

BLOOPER

LENA 

(in the background)

Change my page. So we just need....

REILLY

(singing)

We're eating humans -- (Andrew snorts, then joins in) gonna have some meat

LENA

Okay that's right, this is what we need. Do you know, do you have--  Oh no, you're busy

REILLY

befor the night is through..... Sorry what?

END OF EPISODE

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