SFX: A tape inserted into a deck, and the play button pressed
RECAP
FAENDYR
You're gonna eat us?
FAERIE 2
Oh no! Not the both of you
FAERIE 1
Just you elf.
FAERIE 2
We're bored with human.
FAENDYR
Fantastic.
BARD
Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
Theme music
SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK.
A pastoral village. Rooster, goats and other farm animals. Fittingly, a bubbling brook nearby.
CAMILLA
I must say that's the first time in my life I've actually been glad to see a tavern...
Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr?
Bard, where did they go?
BARD
I believe they may have been abducted by fairies.
CAMILLA
Keep your job as a bard, you make a poor jester.
BARD
I'm not in jest.
CAMILLA
Well, I think you're an unreliable narrator.
(calling:)
Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I demand you show yourselves!
Footsteps in the grass as the Head Villager approaches
HEAD VILLAGER
(from further away)
Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling Brook!
CAMILLA
Finally, a welcoming party.
HEAD VILLAGER
What brings you to our humble village?
CAMILLA
You're not bowing.
HEAD VILLAGER
I'm sorry?
CAMILLA
Don't you know who I am?
HEAD VILLAGER
Should I?
BARD
Uh, duh.
HEAD VILLAGER
Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress she is someone of great wealth...?
The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE
BARD
(singing)
She's the crown princess... Crown Princess of Kirkland--
CAMILLA
Yes yes. That's quite enough.
HEAD VILLAGER
Oh, my apologies, your majesty!
CAMILLA
You are forgiven.
HEAD VILLAGER
We don't normally get you royal-types around here. Truth be told, we don't get much of anyone.
CAMILLA
Yes, I can see why. Who is in charge here?
HEAD VILLAGER
In charge?
CAMILLA
What noble lord commands your village?
HEAD VILLAGER
Well, we're vassals of Lord Peerless--
BARD
Mmm, Peerless.
CAMILLA
Ugh. Peerless.
BARD
They're engaged.
HEAD VILLAGER
You're a lucky woman. He is the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. And rather handsome too.
CAMILLA
His face is... symmetrical enough, I suppose. I find him intolerable.
BARD
Young love. Beautiful.
HEAD VILLAGER
But while we are his vassals, Lord Peerless lets us manage the village ourselves.
CAMILLA
Of course he does.
HEAD VILLAGER
We choose one of our own in bi-yearly elections to decide who will represent the village in any political matters, and we vote on any major projects for the village.
CAMILLA
No wonder nothing gets done. Well! I am crown princess and future queen. I now declare you my vassals.
HEAD VILLAGER
You can't do that... can you?
CAMILLA
Call a hearing or whatever it is you do, I must speak to the village.
HEAD VILLAGER
I... very well.
The head villager starts to WALK AWAY
CAMILLA
Uh uh... don't turn your back to me.
HEAD VILLAGER
Excuse me?
CAMILLA
It's very rude to turn your back to the Crown Princess. Walk backwards.
HEAD VILLAGER
Yes, your majesty.
He awkardly walks away
BARD
Forgive my boldness, Princess, but what in the infernal plane are you doing?
CAMILLA
My so-called companions think they can abandon me. My father thinks I'm not ready for leadership. Well, I'll show them all that I am more than capable on my own.
You know, this is fun! I'm so glad I left the castle.
SFX: Hapsicord transition
SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
A door slams opens and Alfred comes running into the room
KING ALFRED
Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I need you!
WILLIS
I'm right here, your majesty.
KING ALFRED
(startled)
Oh! Don't sneak up on me Willis!
WILLIS
Yes, your majesty.
KING ALFRED
Your footsteps are far too quiet. In the future, please wear one of those little cat collars with a bell.
WILLIS
(long suffering sigh)
Yes, sire.
KING ALFRED
Hm. Where was I?
WILLIS
The princess, sire.
KING ALFRED
Oh, of course.
She's gone, Willis! Gone!
WILLIS
I believe she left the castle to join the Companions of the Root on their journey.
KING ALFRED
She what?! But I told her not to!
WILLIS
You did indeed, sire.
KING ALFRED
And she ignored me?!
WILLIS
It would seem so, sire.
KING ALFRED
But... but...! I commanded her not to! I'm the KING, she has to do what I say.
WILLIS
Of course, sire. As you say.
KING ALFRED
And it's dangerous outside of the castle grounds! What if she sees a peasant? They are the worst.
WILLIS
They are entirely too pathetic, your majesty.
KING ALFRED
You know I think they catch plagues just to spite me.
WILLIS
That sounds likely, sire.
KING ALFRED
She's gotten too headstrong. Where did I go wrong?
WILLIS
It's difficult to pin it on one particular instance, sire. There are so very many.
KING ALFRED
Perhaps I should have let her keep her dragon?
WILLIS
Perhaps. Though the servants were a bit... distracted by their co-workers being stalked and disemboweled in the hallways, sire.
KING ALFRED
And all that blood was starting to stain the upstairs tapestries. It was embarrassing when we had guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-stained tapestries.
WILLIS
As you say, sire. If you would permit me, do you wish to have her returned?
KING ALFRED
The dragon?
WILLIS
Her highness, sire.
KING ALFRED
Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever.
WILLIS
Whom shall I send for?
KING ALFRED
Willis, this is a job for my best knight! Bring me Lord Peerless the Exceptional!
SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE.
Strangle bells ring in the air.
FAENDYR
You want to eat me?
FAERIE 1
Oh, yes!
DORA FAERIE
Very much!
FAENDYR
And that's not like some weird faerie thing? You want to actually kill me, cook my body parts, and then eat my flesh?
FAERIE 1
Oh no! There must be some mistake.
GILBERT
Thank the gods!
FAERIE 1
We're not going to cook you! We will consume your flesh raw, of course.
FAENDYR
Oh, "Of course." Fantastic.
GILBERT
Excuse me, little faerie...
(she giggles)
please don't touch me.
DORA FAERIE
I like you.
GILBERT
Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my leg. Please?
FAERIE 2
Come, come, friends! We'll take you to the kitchens.
FAENDYR
Waitwaitwait! I demand parley!
FAERIES
(chittering among themselves)
Parsley? / Why does it want parsley? / Isn't that a plant?
FAENDYR
Parley! I am an Elven Prince. My family has ruled over the Imperium for thousands of years. I demand you bring me to your Queen!
ALL FAERIES
Oooooooh!
'SCENE 4'. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK.
SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK among themselves.
CAMILLA
Greetings... You! Stop ringing that bell!
They stop.
CAMILLA
Oh thank the gods. Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling Spring--
VILLAGER 1
Rippling Brook!
CAMILLA
Whatever. It is I, your Queen.
VILLAGER 1
Queen?
VILLAGER 2
I thought we had a king?
VILLAGER 1
Did he die?
BARD
Not yet.
CAMILLA
I am the Crown Princess Camilla, heir to the throne of Kirkland. I have blessed your village with my patronage. You are now my vassals. I accept your thanks.
VILLAGER 3
Thanks for what?
BARD
I have to say, this is going better than I thought it would.
CAMILLA
I am on a vitally important quest. However, coming across your village in my travels, I have decided to delay my plans. Under my leadership, this village shall transform from a dull place where dreams go to die, into a quaint and bucolic village that will be the envy of the kingdom.
HEAD VILLAGER
I really think we should clear this with Lord Peerless--
CAMILLA
Forget Peerless.
VILLAGER 2
But when we had that famine two years ago he personally brought us food from his own pantries to keep us alive.
CHILD VILLAGER
He got my cat Fluffkins out of a tree!
FLUFFIKNIS
Meow.
HEAD VILLAGER
And that time--
CAMILLA
Forget Lord Peerless! We shall begin by repainting --
SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
Sir!
HEAD VILLAGER
What is it?
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
A band of mercenaries is coming this way!
ALL VILLAGERS
(concerned murmuring)
CAMILLA
I am your queen, you will provide all updates to me.
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
Uh... A band of mercenaries is coming this way... um, your majesty. They appear to all be orcs. And they're heavily armed.
VILLAGERS (more concerned murmuring)
VILLAGER 1
Oh no! Not orcs!
CAMILLA
This sounds problematic.
HEAD VILLAGER
You think?
CAMILLA
Yes, I think. Ready the militia.
VILLAGER 3
We don't have a militia.
CAMILLA
You don't have a militia?!
HEAD VILLAGER
We're a small, inconsequential village and there hasn't been a war in over a generation.
VILLAGER 2
The War of the Trance Worm!
CAMILLA
Yes, I know what the last war was.
HEAD VILLAGER
Why would we waste time training when we could be farming?
CAMILLA
You do it in the winter when there's no planting or harvesting going on, you sentient floorboard!
HEAD VILLAGER
(deeply offended)
We make artisanal cheeses during the winter!
CAMILLA
Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have anything that can be used as weapons?
VILLAGER 1
Weapons...?
CAMILLA
Yes, weapons! Any swords or... pointy sticks?
VILLAGER 2
We have shovels.
VILLAGERS
(mutters of agreement)
CAMILLA
Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a shovel. And you better pray to whatever lower-pantheon god or river-spirit who looks over this hovel.
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
That would be Barthol--
CAMILLA
I don't care who it is! Just. DO. IT!
'SCENE 5'. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM.
PEERLESS
Your majesty! You sent for me?
KING ALFRED
You arrived very quickly, Lord Peerless. With almost superhuman speed, I must say!
PEERLESS
I am ever at your service, my king.
KING ALFRED
Now this guy, Willis, he knows how to serve his king.
WILLIS
(resentful)
Yes, sire.
PEERLESS
My king is too kind. I am but your humble servant.
KING ALFRED
(laughing)
And some day my son-in-law!
PEERLESS
(laughing)
Some day soon, I hope!
KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS
(laughing)
KING ALFRED
(laughing turns awkward)
Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking of your future marriage, your bird has flown the coop, so to speak.
PEERLESS
The Princess Camilla? My betrothed! Nooooooooo-
KING ALFRED
Oh dear. It's okay.
PEERLESS
oooooooooooooooo! Oh, Betroathed!
(clears his throat then contines as if his previous outburst hadn't happened)
PEERLESS
I will personally slaughter anyone who has laid hands upon her! Where has she been taken?
KING ALFRED
Well, she hasn't been taken, per se. She ran away.
PEERLESS
With all due respect to your majesty, a jewel as precious and beautiful as the crown princess must be kept under lock and key.
KING ALFRED
Yeah, well, you know. Princesses, what are you going to do?
PEERLESS
When we are wed, I shall keep her under my supervision at all times. She will never leave the castle- nay, her rooms- without my permission. No one shall lay eyes on her without first going through me.
KING ALFRED
And I'm sure she'll love that. But let's not put the royal carriage before the royal horse. Lord Peerless, I need you to return Princess Camilla to me.
PEERLESS
It will be my greatest honor, my king.I will brave any peril to bring my betrothed back under our watchful eye. I will cross any river, conquer any mountain and crush any one and any thing that stands between us.
KING ALFRED
(yikes)
That's... great. Willis?
WILLIS
She was likely following Sir--
PEERLESS
No no, don't tell me! It's more enjoyable of a hunt for me if you don't tell me where my prey has flown. Your majesty, I will take my humble leave. Rest assured, the princess will be returned to you posthaste.
Peerless strides out
KING ALFRED
Okay, bye bye, see you later!
The DOORS CLOSE
KING ALFRED
Oh, what a guy...
WILLIS
Yes, sire.
'SCENE 6'. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT.
A manic, laughing party in the distance, but with a creepy, otherworldly quality.
GILBERT
You're Imperium royalty?
FAENDYR
Um, sort of.
GILBERT
What are you doing working for King Alfred--
FAENDYR
It's a long story.
FAERIE 1
My Queen! Our dinner requires parsley!
FAERIE QUEEN
Why do you interrupt our revels?
FAERIE 1
Our dinner has demanded parsley.
GILBERT
Oh my gods.
FAENDYR
PAR-LEY!!
FAERIE QUEEN
Why is there a human with our dinner?
GILBERT
To be honest I have no idea.
DORA FAERIE
He's my friend.
FAERIE QUEEN
What is your name?
GILBERT
Um. Beargil.
FAERIE QUEEN
Fascinating, is that Elven?
FAENDYR
Oh for the gods' sakes.
GILBERT
I believe it is.
FAERIE QUEEN
Beargil, is that a talisman?
GILBERT
Pardon?
FAERIE QUEEN
That small stick in a holster around your neck. Does it protect you from the unfailing gaze of the punishing moons?
GILBERT
Oh. Um, it's a root actually. It's kind of a long story. Just curious, can you undo a spell that turned a human into a root?
FAERIE QUEEN
No.
GILBERT
Oh, okay, nevermind.
FAERIE QUEEN
We could turn the root into a fish, if you desire.
GILBERT
Oh no no that would be even less convenient, it's fine. Sorry to bother you.
FAENDYR
Fantastic, so glad that's worked out. Are we going to parley or what?
FAERIE QUEEN
Very well, elf. We grant you parley. Say what you will. You are to be the main dish for our feast under the full moons this eve. It is a great honor. The greatest honor that can be bestowed in our realms, in fact.
FAENDYR
Oh, and I am super honored. But I'm afraid you can't eat me. I am an Elven Prince of the Imperium. Killing me would provoke an interdimensional incident as not seen since the Demon War.
ALL FAERIES
Ooooh.
FAENDYR
My people have magicks, Fae. They will hunt you through all thirteen dimensions if any harm comes to me. Besides, I'm probably really stringy. Also gamey too, I bet.
DORA FAERIE
I like gamey meat!
FAERIE QUEEN
Very well, elf. We have no desire to cause war between our peoples. We shall make other... preparations for our feast. Now leave us to our revels before we change our minds.
ALL FAERIES
Aw, man / But I'm hungry!
DORA FAERIE
Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I want you to have this. It's my favorite mummified finger.
GILBERT
(gross)
Oh, um, that's great. Thank you.
ALL FAERIES
(evil laughter)
FAENDYR
(duh)
Don't thank them! That's the third one! I knew there was a third rule.
GILBERT
Wait, what?
FAERIE QUEEN
Beargil, you now owe us.
GILBERT
I do?
FAERIE QUEEN
We may not be able to eat your royal elven friend, but in return for your thanks, you will spend the rest of eternity here by our side.
GILBERT
That's a bit much, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.
FAERIE QUEEN
We do not have "feelings." And look around you. There's a half horse, half orc making cupcakes with a skeleton. You were brought here because we wanted to eat your companion. This whole place is a "bit much."
FAENDYR
And that orc-horse is jacked.
ORC-HORSE
*a very deep, manly neigh*
FAENDYR
How much can you press?
GILBERT
I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm sorry?
FAENDYR
Oh. Mmmmmm... Lemme check...
Sound: Faendyr gets out a book. Paper flipping
FAENDYR
Yeah, you're good.
GILBERT
You had a book the whole time and you couldn't look up the third rule?
FAENDYR
I got nervous and I forgot about it, okay?
GILBERT
Oh my gods. Sorry.
Majestic and completely fair and not all that rash Queen, my apologies. Being a stranger in your lands I am not fully aware of your customs and the implications of my completely innocuous words.
FAERIE QUEEN
You seek to sway our decision. Unlike in your mortal lands, here in the Seelie Court every action you take has consequences. And we do not steer course from our traditions.
GILBERT
Your majesty--
FAERIE QUEEN
Silence, human! We are not finished.
We may not be merciful, but we are not... inflexible. We cannot break the rules that govern our Court, but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let us offer you an exchange. A life for a life?
ALL FAERIES
(chanting)
Life for a life! Life for a life!
GILBERT
Hang on! Time out.
FAERIE QUEEN
You may take a moment to consider, but remember, time moves differently in this realm.
GILBERT
(sotto)
I don't want to stay here, F-- uh, Gil.
FAENDYR
(sotto)
Fantastic, great, then just say yes!
GILBERT
(sotto)
But I don't want to kill an innocent Faerie or whatever weird, evil thing they want me to do so we can leave.
FAENDYR
(sotto)
You kill people for a living.
GILBERT
(sotto)
I protect the kingdom for a living!
FAENDYR
(sotto)
By killing people!
DORA FAERIE
Your skin is sooo soft. It will make a lovely mask.
FAENDYR
Okay that's it.
(loudly)
We accept!
FAERIE QUEEN
(evil laugh)
Wonderful!
Colin! Come here.
COLIN
Here?
FAERIE QUEEN
No. HERE. Where we are.
COLIN
(further away)
Here?
FAERIE QUEEN
HERE. HERE! Over... no, forget it, that's fine. Bear--
COLIN
(uncomfortably close)
Here?
FAERIE QUEEN
YES!
COLIN
Hail and well met, friends!
FAENDYR
Hey.
GILBERT
Um, hi.
FAERIE QUEEN
Beargil, in exchange for your life, you must take that of the human child, Colin.
COLIN
Oooooh!
GILBERT
You want me to kill a child?!
FAERIE QUEEN
We may be a monster, but by the moons, no! We fae often... borrow mortal children to amuse our court. However, Colin has caused much trouble since he arrived, and we are unable to return him to his family. We ask that you take charge of him.
GILBERT
Um, sorry, but we're actually in the middle of a quest? And that's a lot of responsibility.
FAENDYR
Are you sure you don't want us to just kill him?
GILBERT
Faen-- uh, Gil!
COLIN
That's fair, I am a lot of responsibility.
FAERIE QUEEN
That seems a bit, as Beargil says, "much," but we are unfamiliar with the ways of the Mortal Realm and frankly, you may do as you wish with the child when you are no longer in our court.
FAENDYR
You could always just eat him instead.
FAERIE QUEEN
Eat... a child?! We do not eat children... they are unripe! What a thing to suggest!
FAENDYR
Ewwwww.
'SCENE 7'. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT.
Outside again, same environment as before, but with the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8 orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried noises.
HEAD VILLAGER
(to villagers)
Now calm down everyone. Maybe they're just here to visit. Not all orcs are violent, you know.
VILLAGER 1
Why are they heavily armored then?
VILLAGER 2
And they have their weapons drawn.
HEAD VILLAGER
Maybe they're LARPing.
CAMILLA
You are an idiot.
CAMILLA
Orcs!
The marching has stopped. They are confused.
Yes! You! I--
OLFGA
Why is small soft human standing in way of Olfga? Olfga has business.
CAMILLA
Well, I demand that you stop your business.
OLFGA
Why soft human have shovel?
CAMILLA
It's a dangerous weapon.
OLFGA
Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like when Olfga crush weak human's body and need to hide corpse underground so smell of decomposing flesh not attract dragons.
CAMILLA
I could still hurt you with it.
OLFGA
Olfga is amused by small human's... how you say? Pluck.
CAMILLA
Thank you very much. But I demand you tell me what your business is in my village.
OLFGA
Olfga is head of orc mercenary band. You see my seven, strong, handsome boys?
ORC BOYS
*grumble*
CAMILLA
It would be difficult to miss your exceptionally large and very capable-looking... boys.
BARD
Oi. 'Sup.
ORC BOYS
*grumble*
OLFGA
Olfga and boys come all the way from Navakinsk to complete job in dwarf lands.
CAMILLA
The Sunken Kingdom?
OLFGA
Is no other dwarf lands in Ilsylian, so yes.
CAMILLA
I know that. I'm providing context for the audience. No need to be snippy.
BARD
World-building is really challenging in an audio-only format.
OLFGA
But Olfga and boys have problem. Dwarves will not let strong, beautiful Navakinski orcs into their lands.
BARD
(sarcastic)
What? Why??
CAMILLA
Bard?
BARD
Yes?
CAMILLA
Shut up. I know the Sunken Kingdom and Navakinsk have an adversarial history, but that's a bit xenophobic, I must say.
OLFGA
Olfga has accepted that these northern kingdoms are backward and behind times.
ORC BOYS
*agreement*
OFLGA
Not like pluralistic and democratic orc societies. But Olfga digress.
HEAD VILLAGER
If you're headed to the Sunken Kingdom, why are you in our village? The closest entrance is accessed by the King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone out of your way.
OLFGA
Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga and boys need to kidnap some small, soft humans.
'SCENE 8'. INT. DANCING DONKEY.
The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few customers. From inside, we hear a HORSE approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting. Then, the DOOR OPENS.
BARKEEP
Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey!
PATRONS
Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless!
(etc)
VILLAGER (TATUM)
I like him more than a friend!
PEERLESS
Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy peasants.
VILLAGER (COURTNEY)
(delighted)
He noticed us!
BARKEEP
To what do we owe the honor, my lord? What drink may I get you? On the house, of course.
LORD PEERLESS
Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking wayward quarry today.
BARKEEP
Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll leave you to it.
PATRONS
*excited murmuring*
BARKEEP
Shhh! Let the man work!
LORD PEERLESS
Hmm... she was here. There is her delicate boot-print. Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that attractive elf mage were also here, I can feel it. There was a great discussion. She was disguised... poorly... as a barmaid! And this-
VILLAGER (MICHAEL SILVER)
Hey that's me drink.
LORD PEERLESS
*sniff sniff* this was the tankard from which she drank. They discussed... something. She convinced them. And then they left... together! Headed to the half-elf witch Gwendolyn, no doubt.
PATRONS
(Clapping)
VILLAGER (TATUM)
He's good, he is!
BARKEEP
Spot on, as always, my lord! You have an almost superhuman talent for that sort of thing, I must say.
SIR PEERLESS
(charming)
Yes, I am very good.
BARKEEP
But I could have just told you her royal highness and her companions had been here.
LORD PEERLESS
(winning laugh)
But where's the fun in that?
SOUND: COIN FLIP
LORD PEERLESS
Keep the change!
SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. Peerless rides off.
BARKEEP
How can it be change if he didn't buy anything?
'SCENE 9'. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK
SOUND: Same as before.
CAMILLA
You need to what?
OLFGA
Need to kidnap humans.
ORC BOYS
*eager orc noises*
VILLAGERS
*worried noises*
OLFGA
Dwarves will not let band of strong beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.But with some soft weak humans as decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and boys in.
HEAD VILLAGER
But what if we don't want to come with you?
OLFGA
Olfga not force you.
HEAD VILLAGER
Oh. Thank you.
VILLAGERS
*relieved noises*
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
Thank Bartholomew!
OLFGA
But if some don't come, Olfga personally break limbs of every village inhabitant like little dry twigs.
VILLAGERS
*concerned noises*
ANXIOUS VILLAGER
I take it back!
HEAD VILLAGER
That sounds fair.
CAMILLA
No, it doesn't! You can't come marching into this village and demand we do what you say.
HEAD VILLAGER
Look who's talking...
CAMILLA
As your queen I demand you shut your mouth, you absolute barndoor.
HEAD VILLAGER
Case in point.
OLFGA
Why you say small female is queen?
CAMILLA
Uh...
HEAD VILLAGER
She's the crown princess.
CAMILLA
I am not.
HEAD VILLAGER
Yes! She is! Look at her clothes!
CAMILLA
I am but a well-dressed peasant girl.
BARD
Do you have a gold sovereign?
OLFGA
Yes?...
BARD
I'd take a gander at it if I were you.
SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as:
CAMILLA
Whose side are you on?
BARD
You know, that's a good question actually. I've been asking myself where I really see myself in life. I think I'm more of a chaotic neutral type if I'm being honest with myself.
OLFGA
Oh! It look just like her! Even has big nose!
CAMILLA
It's an unflattering angle!
OLFGA
Olfga and boys take small human princess now!
BARD
It seems that the Princess has gotten herself into a bit of pickle! Can she demand her way out of this one?
CAMILLA
Oh shut up, you.
BARD
And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever escape the clutches of the ravenous faeries? Find out next time on...THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!
CREDITS
Lena
The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Tatum Moss, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Andrew Quilpa, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Tom Howley, Jenny Oberholtzer and Courtney Branch. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish
BLOOPER
LENA
(in the background)
--- change my page. So we just need....
REILLY
(singing)
We're eating humans -- (Andrew snorts, then joins in) gonna have some meat
LENA
Okay that's right, this is what we need. Do you know, do you have-- Oh no, you're busy
REILLY
before the night is through..... Sorry what?
END OF EPISODE