Please note this is copied from the recording script. It needs minor editing to match the published episode. Especially needed are correct descriptions and timing for the sound effects and music
SCENE 1. EXT. A VILLAGE.
SOUND: A crowd of angry villagers murmuring. Moaning zombies with them.
MALPHOREUS
By the powers granted to me, Malphoreus the Deathless, master of the decaying Orozad--
VILLAGER RINGLEADER
Booooo!
MALPHOREUS
I beg your pardon?
VILLAGER RINGLEADER
You're a necromancer!
MALPHOREUS
Now what would ever make you think that?
VILLAGER 2
There are undead roaming the village!
ZOMBIE
(moan)
MALPHOREUS
I can explain...
VILLAGER RINGLEADER
The robes are also kind of a give-away.
VILLAGER 3
We asked you to cure our village of the Blue Death, and look what you did!
MALPHOREUS
In my defense, these people no longer have the plague... Haha. Sorry.
VILLAGERS
BURN THE NECROMANCER!!!
MALPHOREUS
Oh dear.
SOUND: MALPHOREUS RUNS, panting- he's not an athletic man- FOLLOWED BY THE MOB.
VILLAGER RINGLEADER
Come back here, coward!
MALPHOREUS
No, thank you!
Ah! I shall hide myself in here...
SCENE 2. INSIDE A STORAGE CELLAR.
SOUND: Malphoreus SLAMS the door and throws the lock.
SOUND: Cat bell
SNOWBALL
That's not going to keep them out for very long.
MALPHOREUS
Snowball! Thank the gods. You have to help me!
SNOWBALL
Correction: I don't have to help you...
MALPHOREUS
If I die, you won't have anyone to open your cans for din-din.
SNOWBALL
If you die I will be freed from this infernal plane.
MALPHOREUS
You don't know that. You may be trapped here with no one to feed you.
VILLAGER 3
(from outside:)
He's in here!
SNOWBALL
What will you give me for helping you?
SOUND: Villagers pound on the door.
MALPHOREUS
We don't have a lot of time...
SNOWBALL
You don't have a lot of time. I'm an immortal, inter-dimensional being. My time is infinite.
MALPHOREUS
What could you possibly want? You already own my soul.
SNOWBALL
Yes, and a lot of good that's done me.
SOUND: The pounding gets more violent. Maybe wood cracks.
MALPHOREUS
What is it that you want, Snowball?!
SNOWBALL
I want to only eat wet food. And not that disgusting, cheap stuff. The expensive kind. With gravy and little morsels of cheese.
MALPHOREUS
That's it? Consider it done.
SNOWBALL
And I want my Relic back.
MALPHOREUS
I beg your pardon?
SNOWBALL
If you want to be torn limb from limb by screaming, diseased peasants it's all right with me.
MALPHOREUS
Fine fine fine, I'll do it!
SNOWBALL
(demon voice with her cat one)
The compact is sealed.
SOUND: Portal opens.
MALPHOREUS
Oh thank the gods.
SNOWBALL
Don't thank the gods, thank me.
SOUND: Her collar jingles as she leaps through the portal.
SOUND: The DOOR breaks down.
VILLAGER RINGLEADER
There he is!
VILLAGER 4
Get him!
MALPHOREUS
Catch you never, suckers!
SOUND: Portal closes.
VILLAGER RINGLEADER
That was rude.
INTRODUCTION:
NARRATOR
Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!
'SCENE 3. EXT.' THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.
SOUND: Bianka is cooking breakfast over a fire and humming to herself.
NARRATOR
A few days have passed since we last saw our "heroes." Sir Rodney's rag-tag companions awaken at their camp. They believe all the whims of Fate have in store for them is a simple day of travel along the Kings Road toward Amaranthyne. But unlike his companions, Sir Rodney is wise. He knows better.
BIANKA
What in the Infernal Plane are you talking about, Bard?
BARD
You'll see...
SOUND: Portal.
Scene 3.2
MALPHOREUS
Greeting, Bianka.
BIANKA
(Surprised noise)
Gods!
SOUND: Portal closes.
MALPHOREUS
No god. It is I, Malphoreus the Deathless.
BIANKA
You can't just teleport up on people out of nowhere. You scared the crap outta me.
MALPHOREUS
My apologies. I spend so much of my time holed up in my castle, I have become unaware of the norms of modern society.
BIANKA
Don't worry about it. Just next time send a raven first so I know you're coming.
MALPHOREUS
As you wish.
BIANKA
Want some bacon? It's almost done.
MALPHOREUS
Thank you, but no. I am a vegetarian. For moral reasons, you understand.
However, as pleasant as casual conversing is, I have not broken the confines of space and time to discuss my dietary habits. I require your services.
BIANKA
That was fast.
MALPHOREUS
Necromancers do not adhere to the mundane passage of time. Some things require centuries, other mere moments.
BIANKA
You got in trouble, huh?
MALPHOREUS
Perhaps.
BIANKA
Don't worry about it, big guy. What do you need?
SOUND: Tent flap opening.
Scene 3.3
GILBERT
That smells really good, Bianka.
BIANKA
Thanks. I was getting tired of eating Feandyr's gruel, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.
FAENDYR
(from inside his tent)
You know I can hear you, right?
GILBERT
Oh. Malphoreus. Um, hello.
MALPHOREUS
Greeting, sir knight.
GILBERT
Hey- random question. You wouldn't happen to know, by any chance, if a person trapped inside an object can communicate, would you?
MALPHOREUS
Someone trapped inside of a root, perhaps?
GILBERT
Yes!
MALPHOREUS
No idea.
GILBERT
Oh. Okay. Nevermind.
BIANKA
You left your stick in the tent.
GILBERT
Yeah. I um, I have to go... you know. And I didn't want to bring him... it with me.
BIANKA
Okay?
GILBERT
Also, it's a root. Not a stick. Anyway. I'll be back.
SOUND: GILBERT WALKS AWAY
Scene 3.4
MALPHOREUS
In return for Snowball's aid in a delicate situation, I agreed to... some of her demands.
BIANKA
I'm not really in the bougie cat food game, but I know a guy.
MALPHOREUS
Oh. No. I've already taken care of that part. I also promised to reunite her with her Relic, which was taken from her more than a century ago. It's known as the Undying Collar.
BIANKA
Hold up. You want me to find and possibly steal an Unholy Relic?
MALPHOREUS
No, just steal. I know where it is. The elderly human Duchess Withershanks has it, at her estate of Briarthorne. It shouldn't be too difficult of a job for you, seeing as I've already done two thirds.
BIANKA
Stealing enchanted trinkets here and there on the side is one thing. But if it gets out that I gave an Unholy to a necromancer's demon...
MALPHOREUS
First off, I'm her necromancer, not the other way around.
And I doubt it houses enough power to be anything anyone will be worried about.
BIANKA
I'm afraid to ask, but what's she planning on doing with it?
MALPHOREUS
Returning to her demon form? Compelling the whole continent of Ilsylian to wait on her hand and foot? The usual.
BIANKA
I don't know, Mal...
MALPHOREUS
As loath as I am to use so crass a phrase, you do owe me.
BIANKA
All right... But it might have to wait if the rest of the Companions don't agree.
CUT TO:
'SCENE 4'. EXT. THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.
CAMILLA
Very well.
GILBERT
Sounds good to me.
COLIN
Oooooh! Fun.
FAENDYR
Yeah, whatever.
KEANU
Sure.
KEVIN
*squeak*
BIANKA
You're all seriously okay with this?
CAMILLA
Briarthorne estate is on our way to Amaranthyne. It isn't as if we will be going out of our way.
FAENDYR
I just want to sleep in a bed and eat some real food.
CAMILLA
Yes, I am looking forward to something other than your gruel for a change.
FAENDYR
At least I make food, which is more than you can say.
CAMILLA
If you can call it "food."
GILBERT
It's not that bad.
COLIN
What's a bed?
KEANU
You know. It's like... uh... where you sleep?
COLIN
You mean the ground?
BIANKA
I'm honestly shocked you guys don't have a problem stealing from a defenseless old woman to help a demon.
FAENDYR
Oh, I have a problem with that, but I figure I'd just ignore it in favor of spending a day or two at a cushy estate.
CAMILLA
Just put a pillow over any moral qualms until they stop struggling. That's what I do.
BIANKA
What about you, Sir Knight? Didn't you like, swear an oath to protect people or something?
GILBERT
Brairthorne is a part of a sovereign duchy, and not the kingdom of Kirkland. Technically my oath of protection doesn't extend to anyone living there.
BIANKA
You all are pretty horrifying sometimes, you know that?
MUSIC
TRANSITION TO:
SCENE 5. EXT. ENTRANCE TO BRIARTHORNE ESTATE
SOUND: If this were visual, it would be a run-down, creepy looking estate. So, whatever that means, sound-wise.
BARD
After a day of travel, Sir Rodney and his Companions arrive at Briarthorne. Once the home of a proud and mighty family, the elderly Duchess Withershanks is all that remains of the previously indispensable line of nobles. Like its previous inhabitants, the once august estate is now crumbling and decayed. What perils will the Companions discover during their sojourn?
GILBERT
Do you know the Duchess, Camilla?
CAMILLA
Only by sight. It's been some years since she's been to the capital. She's very elderly.
FAENDYR
So, like, 60?
CAMILLA
One hundred and two.
FAENDYR
Wait, what?!
COLIN
She's almost as old as I am!
CAMILLA
Colin- you must be on your very best behavior. The Duchess is a strict and humorless woman.
BIANKA
Well. We're here.
SOUND: Maybe a crow cawing. Wind whistling, shutter rattling. Something to drive home how creepy this place is.
FAENDYR
It's... a lot creepier than I imagined.
KEANU
I bet there are like, ghosts and stuff.
FAENDYR
There's no such things as ghosts.
BIANKA
Only lost spirits who reanimate corpses and drink unicorns' blood.
KEANU
Oh, well, in that case...
CAMILLA
If you're all finished, I'd like to go indoors.
GILBERT
I'll get the door.
SOUND: KNOCKING.
BIANKA
Just so we're clear-- and I'm talking to you, Colin and Kevin-- we're not here to steal the Relic. Got it?
COLIN
Then why are we here?
KEANU
Yeah, I'm confused now.
BIANKA
Oh my gods.
SOUND: The door slowly creaks open.
RUPERT
(grumpy)
Hullo? Yes? Oh. What do you want?
GILBERT
Hail and well met, friend.
RUPERT
We are not friends.
GILBERT
S-sorry.
RUPERT
Well, get on with it, boy! What is it you want?
GILBERT
(thrown off)
I'm Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard. The Crown Princess of Kirkland and her retinue require your hospitality on our journey to Amaranthyne.
RUPERT
Why?
CAMILLA
I beg your pardon?
RUPERT
I said "why".
CAMILLA
No, I heard you. I was making sure that's what you wanted to say.
I'm the Crown Princess of Kirkland.
RUPERT
I know. And?
CAMILLA
(Getting flustered)
The laws of nobility demand that the Duchess extend her hospitality to any visiting nobles!
RUPERT
That's nice.
CAMILLA
Gil, do something.
COLIN
Don't worry my friends, I have this.
Hullo, good sir. I'm an orphan!
KEANU
Look at him. Look at how small and cute he is. You wouldn't turn him out into the cold, would you?
KEANU AND COLIN
Hmmmm?
RUPERT
I suppose I will rouse the Duchess from her afternoon slumber.
GILBERT
Thank you.
SOUND: He takes a step.
RUPERT
No. Stay here.
SOUND: The door slams.
BIANKA
Wow. Okay, I'm going to enjoy stealing that Relic out from under their smug noses.
KEANU
He's a reanimated corpse, right?
COLIN
Should we kill him?
GILBERT
No, Colin!
COLIN
But he's mean.
GILBERT
You can't just kill people because they're mean.
COLIN
Why not?
SOUND: The door creaks open again
RUPERT
The Duchess Withershanks.
SOUND: Building, scary music, cut off by-
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
(friendly, a kindly old lady)
Oh! Hellloooooooo!
COMPANIONS
(surprised)
Uh/ Hullo / Hi
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
How lovely! It's been so very long since I've had any visitors. I’m quite starved for company.
COLIN
We're not going to steal anything.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Of course you won't, you charming boy!
KEANU
Uhhh... I'm confused. I thought you were, like, mean?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Oh, Bartholomew! You jester.
KEANU
Oh, uhhhh. Yeah, no, I'm uh... Keanu?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Please, please come in! I'm sure you're all weary from your travels. My servants will prepare the east wing for you, so that you may wash up before your dinner.
GILBERT
Thank you, Duchess.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Rupert!
RUPERT
Very well. But I take no pleasure in it.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
And please let the kitchen know we have visitors for dinner.
RUPERT
Humph.
SOUND: He walks away.
Scene 5.4
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Don't mind Rupert, he is only in jest.
BIANKA
Yeah, he's a riot.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
I assume you all will be staying for a few days?
CAMILLA
That would be lovely, thank you Duchess.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Oh, no. It is an honor, I assure you. Please, come in.
KEANU
Uh... even me?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Bartholomew, is something wrong?
KEANU
I mean... shouldn’t I like, stay in the stables or something?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
The stables? Why would you ever stay there?
KEANU
I'm a horse?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
A horse! Oh ho! Your jests rival Rupert's! Come, come.
GILBERT
Thank you, Duchess.
SOUND: The companions ascend the stairs.
KEANU
Also stairs and I, like, don't get along?
GILBERT
Is that the Relic? Her necklace.
BIANKA
Yes. Shut up.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Do watch the door frame--
SOUND: THUMP
FAENDYR
Ow! Gods! Why are all the doorways so low in this country??
SOUND: Clumsy horse footsteps as Keanu tries to walk up the stairs.
KEANU
Hey, uh... don't wait for me.
SCENE 6. INT. BRIARTHORNE.
BARD
And so the Companions find themselves scrubbed clean and fresh, and prepare for their first real meal after suffering Faendyr's abysmal gruel for weeks.
FAENDYR
Hey.
BARD
Curiously, they find clean sets of clothes awaiting them in their prepared rooms.
GILBERT
Huh.
FAENDYR
Ohmygods, I think this is vintage! Look at the embroidery!
GILBERT
You don't think this is kind of... weird?
FAENDYR
Yeah. It's like impossible to find quality vintage mage robes. Most of them incinerate with their owners. Mages have a very high statistical rate of dying in a fire.
GILBERT
Not that. Wait, why do you wear robes, then? Isn't it dangerous, considering? Robes are very flammable.
FAENDYR
Oh, super dangerous. But fashion is more important than safety, obviously.
GILBERT
I meant no one knew we were coming, but they just happen to have extra clothing in our sizes?
FAENDYR
Huh.
SOUND: Gilbert pulls back the cover
FAENDYR
Why are you putting that stick under the covers?
GILBERT
It's Rodney, and I'm changing... I don't want him to see.
FAENDYR
Okay...?
SOUND: GILBERT takes off his shirt.
FAENDYR
Wow.
GILBERT
What?
FAENDYR
You're jacked.
GILBERT
I am a knight.
FAENDYR
Wow.
GILBERT
I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off my trousers now.
FAENDYR
Yeah, yeah. Sure.
SOUND: Gil drops his trousers
FAENDYR
Oh my gods.
SCENE 7. BRIARTHORNE DINING ROOM.
SOUND: Sounds of utensils on plates.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Thank you, your majesty, for joining me for dinner.
CAMILLA
Thank you for your hospitality.
BIANKA
Dutchess, would you like some of the rolls?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Oh no. Just my soup for me.
BIANKA
What is that, tomato?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Mm. I trust your gowns fit?
CAMILLA
Yes, thank you. That was unexpected.
BIANKA
Yeah. I'm not used to wearing a dress, but thanks.
CAMILLA
You look lovely.
BIANKA
I clean up well.
CAMILLA
Yes, you do.
BIANKA
Thanks. You uh, look nice too.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Your skins have such a lovely flush to them.
BIANKA
Uh...
CAMILLA
Pardon?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
I hope it was all right to have Sir Gilbert and Master Faendyr together in one room, and you two in the other.
CAMILLA
Oh, yes.
BIANKA
Yeah, yeah. Great.
CAMILLA
I'm sure Gil and Faendyr don't mind either.
BIANKA
Speaking of, where are they?
SOUND: Door opening.
Scene 7.2
FAENDYR
Sorry we're late. Someone didn't want to put on his trousers.
COLIN
Curse you, leg prisons!
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Oh, no problem at all. Rupert! Bring them fresh plates, please.
RUPERT
Humph.
SOUND: They pull out their chairs and sit.
GILBERT
That's a very lovely necklace, Duchess.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Oh, this old thing? Thank you.
GILBERT
Where did you get it?
SOUND: Bianka kicks him.
GILBERT
Ow! Bianka, why did you kick me?
RUPERT
Your food, gentlemen.
SOUND: Rupert drops plates on the table.
GILBERT
Thanks?
FAENDYR
Um, rude.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
My necklace was a gift from a paramour of mine, many years ago. She was a very talented mage from the Mages College.
CAMILLA
It's lovely.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
I keep it in her memory. She was tragically incinerated when her robes caught fire.
GILBERT
Oh.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
I never take it off, so that she is always with me.
BIANKA
That's great.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Even when I sleep, I still wear it.
BIANKA
Just great.
Awkward pause.
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
You should try some of this wonderful soup, Rupert. Very full bodied. It might put some blood back into those sallow cheeks.
RUPERT
Humph.
GILBERT
The dinner is lovely.
COLIN
(chewing)
Is this human?
CAMILLA
Colin!
GILBERT
Um. Colin? Have you eaten human before?
COLIN
I don't know. What does human taste like?
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Like chicken.
SOUND: Fork dropping
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
Anyone for dessert?
COMPANIONS
Oh no no / I'm good / No thanks
DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS
It is most unfortunate Bartholomew couldn't join us.
'SCENE 8. EXT. 'ENTRANCE TO THE BRIARTHORNE ESTATE
KEVIN
*squeak*
KEANU
Oh, hey Kevin. Yep, I'm still here. Stairs are... hard.
KEVIN
*squeak*
KEANU
I know you just put one hoof in front of the other, but that's easier said than done, ya know...
KEVIN
*squeak*
KEANU
Okay. I'll try. But don't laugh, okay?
SOUND: He steps. Steps again. One more.
KEVIN
*excited squeak*
KEANU
Oh man!
SOUND: He falls down the stairs.
KEANU
Back to square one.
'SCENE 9. INT. BRIA'RTHORNE.
BARD
After dining with their senile host, the companions plot their next move in their private east wing.
BIANKA
Since she says she never takes it off, I'll have to steal it while she's sleeping.
CAMILLA
You don't think she'll realize it was us?
BIANKA
I'll pin it on Rupert... Unless you have a problem with that.
ALL
Nope. No. *squeak*
COLIN
He's an ass!
GILBERT
Where did you hear that word?
COLIN
From Faendyr!
FAENDYR
What? He is.
GILBERT
Wait. Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?
COLIN
Rupert is a butt and we should put gruel in his shoes?
GILBERT
No, Colin!
CAMILLA
Don't call someone a butt. It's plebeian.
COLIN
May I call him a posterior?
CAMILLA
Yes, you may.
GILBERT
No, you may not!
My point was: the Duchess is one hundred and two. And she's wearing a necklace called the Undying Collar.
COLIN
Yes. Yes. I see.
... And?
CAMILLA
The necklace is keeping her alive.
COLIN
Ooooooooooh.
GILBERT
And if we take it off of her, she may die.
BIANKA
I don't think it's a "may" if she's one hundred and two. I think that's a "definitely will".
GILBERT
We'll essentially be murdering her. Are you okay with that?
BIANKA
Yes. But, I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone...
FAENDYR
I'm really just here for the food?
COLIN
The meat was dry. As our host, she bears the responsibility, and deserves to die.
GILBERT
Oh my gods.
Camilla? Surely you have qualms about causing the death of a noble.
CAMILLA
Upon her death her duchy will become a part of Kirkland.
GILBERT
Well, I don't like this.
BIANKA
You said your protection doesn't extend to her estate.
GILBERT
That doesn't mean I'm okay with killing her!
FAENDYR
Gil, you technically kill people for a living.
GILBERT
As a last resort! And for, you know, reasons!
CAMILLA
Reasons, such as chickens?
GILBERT
You leave The Chicken Affair out of this.
BIANKA
Well, we'll just hope she only dies as a last resort.
GILBERT
Oh my gods.
KEVIN
*squeak squeak*
COLIN
Kevin would like to add that she has lived long beyond the normal lifespan of a human. If anything, we will be righting the natural course of things.
BIANKA
That is a very good point, Kevin.
KEVIN
*squeak*
BIANKA
You're welcome.
GILBERT
I'm not going to stop you from doing your job, Bianka. And as one of the Companions, I will help you however I can. But I won't have a hand in her death.
BIANKA
That's fair.
FAENDYR
So, what's the plan?
BIANKA
I think you should all get a good night's sleep. I'm just going to get the lay of the land, so to speak. Don't worry about it.
GILBERT
Are you sure?
BIANKA
I've been doing this for years, Gil. I know what I'm doing.
SCENE 10. INT. BRIARTHORNE.
KEANU
Okay, Keanu. You made it inside. Just need to find your friends. I bet they're up these... stairs. Oh boy.
SCENE 11. INT. BRIARTHORNE.
SOUND: Door opens, closes.
GILBERT
Colin's asleep.
FAENDYR
That took long enough.
GILBERT
He's not used to sleeping in a bed. I had to tell him the story of Saint Goat three times before he passed out.
Oh. That's... uh. That's a nice night-robe.
FAENDYR
This old thing?
GILBERT
It's very... lacy.
FAENDYR
Yes. It is.
GILBERT
Um. There's only one bed.
FAENDYR
Huh.
GILBERT
It's okay. Maybe I'll sleep with Colin.
FAENDYR
You don't want to do that, trust me. Kid kicks like a mule... We could share the bed.
GILBERT
Okay. Just let me change into my nightclothes.
SOUND: GIL takes off his shirt
FAENDYR
(sexy)
Oooh. What are those scars from?
GILBERT
Um... stab wound... stab wound... um I think this one's an arrow. Stab wound. This was a chicken.
Uh, stab wound... and these are from my top surgery.
FAENDYR
Top surgery?
GILBERT
I’m trans.
FAENDYR
Oh?
GILBERT
I understand if that changes
things—-
FAENDYR
Of course it doesn't.
GILBERT
(relieved)
Good.
FAENDYR
You’re still the hottest man I’ve ever laid eyes on... which is saying a lot coming from me.
GILBERT
Thanks. Well, um, on that note...
SOUND: Bed squeaks as he gets in.
FAENDYR
This is... cozy.
GILBERT
'Night, Faendyr.
FAENDYR
'Night.
Pause.
GILBERT
Wait. I just remembered elves don't need to sleep.
FAENDYR
I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to remember that.
GILBERT
Would you like to... do something else, then? Unless I’ve been completely misreading this entire situation, which is always a possibility.
FAENDYR
(he kisses him)
That answer your question?
SOUND: they kiss
GILBERT
Wait. Hold on a sec.
SOUND: bed squeaks as he get up.
FAENDYR
It's fine we can take our time... What are you doing?
SOUND: He opens a trunk
GILBERT
I uh, gotta put Rodney somewhere.
SOUND: Trunk closes.
FAENDYR
You closed him in a trunk?
GILBERT
Yep. Long story.
SOUND: he gets back on the bed
GILBERT
Now. Where were we.
'SCENE 12. INT. BRIARTHORNE'. HALLWAY.
SOUND: Door opens. Colin tiptoes through the hallway.
COLIN
Shhh, Kevin. We need to be very quiet!
KEVIN
*quiet squeak*
COLIN
Oh! Keanu! There you are!
KEANU
Oh hey, lil man.
COLIN
You're supposed to share my room. What are you doing on the stairs?
KEANU
Uhhh. Just hangin' out. What are you doing out of bed?
COLIN
Kevin and I are hungry.
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
We're looking for the pantry. The wall mice told Kevin where it is.
KEANU
Cool cool cool.
COLIN
You wanna come with?
KEANU
Uhhhh... I'll just stay here. But could you bring me something?
COLIN
What would you like?
KEANU
Uh. Surprise me!
COLIN
Sure thing, buddy! We'll be back.
SOUND: He skips down the stairs.
KEANU
It's okay. It's just the dark, Keanu. And you're just stuck in the middle of a flight of stairs. It's not like a vampire is going to come and try to eat you.
Oh gods, why did I say that??
SCENE 13. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.
SOUND: A door quietly opens. Soft footsteps.
BIANKA
Alright, Duchess...
SOUND: LOCKPICK
SOUND: A RAVEN MATERIALIZES, caws.
BIANKA
What in the--?
SOUND: A PORTAL OPENS
MALPHOREUS
I sent a raven first, as you requested.
BIANKA
Shhh! And that wasn't what I meant, but thanks, I guess.
How did you find me?
MALPHOREUS
I have my ways. Did you read its message?
BIANKA
It showed up like half a second before you did.
MALPHOREUS
But did you read it?
BIANKA
No. What's up?
SCENE 14. INT. BRIARTHORNE. PANTRY.
COLIN
Ah ha! The pantry! After you.
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
Very well, if you insist.
SOUND: Door opening.
KEVIN
*worried squeak*
COLIN
Oooooooh! This isn't a normal pantry... Why are there piles of clothes in here? And skeletons?
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
You're right, Gil will know what to do! ... do you still want some food though?
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
Good. Me too. We'll tell him in a minute.
'SCENE 15. INT.' BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.
BIANKA
Wait, what?
MALPHOREUS
The Duchess of Withershanks died many years ago.
BIANKA
Are you sure, Mal?
MALPHOREUS
As sure as I may be, considering our reality may be but the imagination of another.
BIANKA
Okay?
MALPHOREUS
I spoke to her spirit in the Netherplane. She was, as I believe you centennials say, a "binch".
BIANKA
So, whoever... or whatever that is, it's not the real Duchess.
MALPHOREUS
Clearly, yet it has taken on her physical form.
What do you plan to do?
BIANKA
I mean, I'm still gonna steal the Relic.
MALPHOREUS
Very well. I just wanted you to be aware of all of the factors in your quest. I would hate for anything to happen to you.
BIANKA
Aw, you care.
MALPHOREUS
It's just that it would take a lot of time for me to find a new thief who doesn't mind stealing strange arcane objects. And ironically as someone called "the Deathless", time is something that I am rather short on.
BIANKA
Thanks, Big Guy.
SOUND: PORTAL OPENING.
MALPHOREUS
Well. Don't die.
BIANKA
That's the plan.
SOUND: Raven caws.
BIANKA
Do you want your raven?
MALPHOREUS
No.
SOUND: PORTAL CLOSES.
SOUND: RAVEN caws.
BIANKA
Um. Hey.
Well.
SOUND: LOCKPICKING. Door opens.
BIANKA
Alright, let's see...
SOUND: The duchess' snoring. Bianka's quiet footsteps.
BIANKA
Well. I'm here. Might as well...
And, um, sorry if you die. You seemed like a nice enough old lady, even if you stole someone's body. I'm sure you had reasons. Even if they were morally ambiguous. I mean, what's right and what's wrong is kind of blurry, right?
Look at me, monologuing to the old lady I'm probably about to kill. I'm getting soft.
SOUND: She unclasps the necklace. A disconcerting hum.
BIANKA
That was too easy.
SOUND: A magic spell. The bed creaks as the duchess grows in size. The snores turn monstrous.
BIANKA
Oh. Oh wow. That's... not what I was expecting... Yikes. This might be a problem...
'SCENE 16'. INT. GIL AND FAENDYR'S ROOM.
SOUND: Knocking.
BIANKA
(other side of the door)
Guys? Guys! Wake up! ... Ugh.
SOUND: Lockpick. Door opens.
BIANKA
(now in the room)
Guys. Wake up.
GILBERT AND FAENDYR
*startled noises*
BIANKA
Looks like you had a fun evening.
FAENDYR
Shut up.
CAMILLA
(walking in)
What's going on?
BIANKA
So, good news, bad news.
Good news, I have the relic.
GILBERT
This couldn't have waited until morning?
BIANKA
Bad news, it appears that the Duchess is actually a vampire.
GILBERT
Wait, what?
BIANKA
I should say, a vampire is posing as the Duchess. Because as soon as I took off the Relic, it was clearly someone else.
CAMILLA
I beg your pardon?
SOUND: Colin arrives
COLIN
Oh, are we all sleeping in here?
GILBERT
What are you doing out of bed?
COLIN
I have a question?
FAENDYR
Oh my gods.
COLIN
I think it's important?
GILBERT
(sigh)
What is it, Colin?
COLIN
Is it normal for humans to keep skeletons and piles of clothing in their pantries?
GILBERT
No...?
COLIN
Okay, I wasn't sure. 'Cos it's normal for faeries but I don't remember my human parents doing that.
FAENDYR
Um, could you elaborate?
COLIN
Well, my mum usually kept cheese and potatoes--
FAENDYR
No, Colin, about the skeletons.
COLIN
Oh. Well, Kevin was more interested in them than I was. I was looking for food.
KEVIN
*squeak*
COLIN
He says the skeletons go back many years, and there are lots of them.
CAMILLA
It would appear--
BIANKA
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just have to tell someone or I'm going to die.
I saw its... you know.
FAENDYR
Oh?
BIANKA
It was one of those ugly, gross vampires though. So.
FAENDYR
Ew.
BIANKA
What I'm saying is, I saw its ding-dong.
GILBERT
Yes, we understood, thanks!
BIANKA
It was... hard to miss.
FAENDYR
Ew!
COLIN
What's a "ding-dong"?
GILBERT
Oh my gods...
FAENDYR
Its uh, "member".
COLIN
Oooooh. What's it a member of?
CAMILLA
I'm staying out of this.
COLIN
It's a member of what? What guild is it a part of??
FAENDYR
No. Its male uh... part?
COLIN
Ooooh! You mean its wenis!
GILBERT
(dying)
Oh my gods...!
COLIN
You could have just said "wenis". I'm not a baby; I know what a wenis is!
FAENDYR
This is your fault.
BIANKA
What did I do?
FAENDYR
You said "ding-dong"!
BIANKA
Yeah, well, you said "member"!
CAMILLA
Please! We need to focus! And if I am forced to hear another euphemism for male genitalia, I will stab someone.
FAENDYR
Will you thrust a sword into them? ... What? I was just asking.
CAMILLA
As I was going to say, the vampire must have taken the Duchess' life. It used the relic to maintain an illusion spell, and assumed her place. Then it preyed on travelers who came by on their way to Amaranthyne looking for hospitality.
FAENDYR
It explains our clothes too.
ALL
Ew...! Oh my gods
(etc)
FAENDYR
I dunno, those robes look good, so. Whatever.
COLIN
It took her life?
GILBERT
Do you understand what that means, Colin?
COLIN
Yes.
(beat)
Where did it take it?
FAENDYR
Oh my gods.
COLIN
Should we find it and give it back to her?
SOUND: MONSTROUS SCREECHING further down the hallway.
BIANKA
That doesn't sound good.
SOUND: KEANU screams from the same location.
COLIN
Keanu is in trouble!
GILBERT
Where is he?
COLIN
On the stairs!
FAENDYR
Can we get dressed first? No? Okay.
SOUND: The companions run down the hall.
FAENDYR
I mean, I get this is a situation, but we're all wearing night clothes. And I'm wearing a negligee.
CAMILLA
Shut up.
FAENDYR
Maybe the vampire will die from laughing...
BIANKA
No, you look good.
'SCENE 17'. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.
COLIN
Keanu!
KEANU
Hey guys! Uh... is that a vampire?
BIANKA
Yeah, it is!
KEANU
Okay. Cool cool cool. It looks like it's hungry.
SOUND: The vampire hisses.
GILBERT
Keanu, I think you should run.
KEANU
Yeah, I think I should too, but I forget how stairs work? And also my legs.
CAMILLA
I have a plan. Gil, ready your sword.
FAENDYR
*snorts*
CAMILLA
I will kill you with my bare hands.
FAENDYR
I didn't say anything!
CAMILLA
On my word, you cast a spell of light.
FAENDYR
Okay?
CAMILLA
Vampires don't see well in bright light.
BIANKA
He'll still be able to smell us, though.
CAMILLA
I have a plan for that too.
FAENDYR
Wait... why do you have a bowl of my gruel?
CAMILLA
Ready?
SOUND: Gil draws his sword.
BIANKA
Hey, assbutt!
COLIN
Awww she said ass AND butt!
BIANKA
I'm allowed to!
KEANU
Hi vampire, please ignore me! I'm just a unicorn! Unicorns don't have blood! I don't think...
BIANKA
Looking for this?
SOUND: Bianka jiggles the necklace. A disconcerting hum.
VAMPIRE
That's mine, dwarf!
BIANKA
Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? ... By the way you look really cute in those old lady pjs.
VAMPIRE
*screech*
CAMILLA
Faendyr! Now!
FAENDYR
Lumen!
SOUND: A sound of a bright light being cast.
VAMPIRE
*painful screech*
FAENDYR
Kinda hard to see now, huh?
VAMPIRE
You fools! I don't need to see to kill you- I can smell your blood!
CAMILLA
Not after this... Catch!
SOUND: Camilla throws a bowl of gruel. It hits the face of the vampire, and splatters on the floor.
KEANU
Nice! Right in the face!
COLIN
Oooooh!
VAMPIRE
What is that horrible smell?!
CAMILLA
Gil! Quickly! Its head!
SOUND: Gil cuts off its head. It screeches and dies.
GILBERT
It's dead.
BIANKA
Kinda hard to not be, considering it's head isn't attached anymore.
COLIN
Yay!
CAMILLA
Oh thank the gods.
FAENDYR
That was so hot, Gil.
Phew, I need a drink. Anybody else need a drink?
BIANKA
You killed her.
GILBERT
What?
BIANKA
You killed the Duchess Withershanks, Gil! After you swore she would not die by your hand!
COLIN
Ooooh! He did! You killed her, Gil! You murdered her!
SOUND: Rupert runs up
RUPERT
What in the infernal plane is going on-- my gods!
GILBERT
We can explain...
RUPERT
You've killed it. Thank the gods. We're free!
FAENDYR
Wait, you knew?
RUPERT
The Duchess hadn't been herself for some time. She had ceased beating the servants for every minor infraction. I assumed it was just her mind failing her in her advanced age.
Then, a few years ago, I saw the pantry.
COLIN
The skeletons?
RUPERT
They weren't skeletons at the time.
ALL
Ew.
RUPERT
I recognized the clothing as having belonged to previous guests. And they were clearly drained of all of their blood.
COLIN
Oooooh!
RUPERT
That vampire told me all the servants and I would... end up in the pantry too, unless I kept my knowledge to myself.
I tried to be as rude as possible to any guests so they would quickly leave of their own accord.
COMPANIONS
Ohhhhhh.
COLIN
You might want to check your shoes before you put them on.
RUPERT
I cannot thank you enough for freeing the duchy, and saving the lives of other travelers.
BIANKA
That was why we came.
KENAU
It was? I thought we were here to--
COMPANIONS (NOT COLIN)
NO KEANU.
SOUND: Portal.
MALPHOREUS
Greetings.
BIANKA
Don't worry, Rupert. He's with us. Here ya go, big guy.
SOUND: Necklace being handed over, disconcerting hum.
MALPHOREUS
Thank you. And I apologize that this ended up being more dangerous than I anticipated.
SOUND: Malphoreus puts it away.
FAENDYR
I'm just glad we ended up murdering a vampire and not an old lady.
RUPERT
Pardon?
MALPHOREUS
Snowball sends her thanks. Or she would, if she understood the concept of gratitude, that is.
BIANKA
Tell her to have mercy on us when she takes over the universe!
MALPHOREUS
I'm sure she won't. Nonetheless, I will pass on your request... Oh! Is that a vampire corpse?
GILBERT
Yeah.
MALPHOREUS
Do you all want that body?
ALL
No, no.
COLIN
I do.
GILBERT
No, Colin.
MALPHOREUS
I'll gladly take it off your hands... if you're certain you don't want it.
RUPERT
Please.
SOUND: Body dragging.
MALPHOREUS
Yes. Well. Farewell.
SOUND: He portals away.
RUPERT
Again, you have our deepest gratitude.
The only problem remaining is figuring out who will lead the duchy. All of the Duchess' relatives died out a long time ago. She was the end of her line.
CAMILLA
Not quite. The Withershanks descended from Lord Kirk's youngest daughter. My father, King Alfred is her 5th cousin, twice removed.
Congratulations, you are now part of the Kingdom of Kirkland. As such, I am your Crown Princess, and someday Queen. It is a great honor for you.
RUPERT
Uh.
CAMILLA
Someone will be along later this year to collect tribute.
RUPERT
Wonderful.
FAENDYR
Congrats.
BARD
After a peaceful night's sleep, their souls untroubled by their crime--
GILBERT
It wasn't... it was a vampire!!
BARD
The grateful servants fill the Companions' bags with delicious provisions so they will no longer suffer the indignity of Faendyr's gruel--
FAENDYR
I'm ignoring you from now on.
BARD
They return to their journey to Amaranthyne. What perils will they encounter? What other old ladies will they slay?
GILBERT
I didn't... ugh.
BARD
Will they procure the Hungering Band, their final relic? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!
CREDITS
BLOOPER
MICHAEL
(as Keanu)
Back to square one..... Back to stair one.
(Silver, Bridgette and Lena laugh)
LENA
Oh no.
END EPISODE
