The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root Wiki
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Please note this is copied from the recording script. It needs minor editing to match the published episode. Especially needed are correct descriptions and timing for the sound effects and music 

SCENE 1. EXT. A VILLAGE.

SOUND: A crowd of angry villagers murmuring. Moaning zombies with them.

MALPHOREUS

By the powers granted to me, Malphoreus the Deathless, master of the decaying Orozad--

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

Booooo!

MALPHOREUS

I beg your pardon?

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

You're a necromancer!

MALPHOREUS

Now what would ever make you think that?

VILLAGER 2

There are undead roaming the village!

ZOMBIE

(moan)

MALPHOREUS

I can explain...

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

The robes are also kind of a give-away.

VILLAGER 3

We asked you to cure our village of the Blue Death, and look what you did!

MALPHOREUS

In my defense, these people no longer have the plague... Haha. Sorry.

VILLAGERS

BURN THE NECROMANCER!!!

MALPHOREUS

Oh dear.

SOUND: MALPHOREUS RUNS, panting- he's not an athletic man- FOLLOWED BY THE MOB.

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

Come back here, coward!

MALPHOREUS

No, thank you!

Ah! I shall hide myself in here...

SCENE 2. INSIDE A STORAGE CELLAR.

SOUND: Malphoreus SLAMS the door and throws the lock.

SOUND: Cat bell

SNOWBALL

That's not going to keep them out for very long.

MALPHOREUS

Snowball! Thank the gods. You have to help me!

SNOWBALL

Correction: I don't have to help you...

MALPHOREUS

If I die, you won't have anyone to open your cans for din-din.

SNOWBALL

If you die I will be freed from this infernal plane.

MALPHOREUS

You don't know that. You may be trapped here with no one to feed you.

VILLAGER 3

(from outside:)

He's in here!

SNOWBALL

What will you give me for helping you?

SOUND: Villagers pound on the door.

MALPHOREUS

We don't have a lot of time...

SNOWBALL

You don't have a lot of time. I'm an immortal, inter-dimensional being. My time is infinite.

MALPHOREUS

What could you possibly want? You already own my soul.

SNOWBALL

Yes, and a lot of good that's done me.

SOUND: The pounding gets more violent. Maybe wood cracks.

MALPHOREUS

What is it that you want, Snowball?!

SNOWBALL

I want to only eat wet food. And not that disgusting, cheap stuff. The expensive kind. With gravy and little morsels of cheese.

MALPHOREUS

That's it? Consider it done.

SNOWBALL

And I want my Relic back.

MALPHOREUS

I beg your pardon?

SNOWBALL

If you want to be torn limb from limb by screaming, diseased peasants it's all right with me.

MALPHOREUS

Fine fine fine, I'll do it!

SNOWBALL

(demon voice with her cat one)

The compact is sealed.

SOUND: Portal opens.

MALPHOREUS

Oh thank the gods.

SNOWBALL

Don't thank the gods, thank me.

SOUND: Her collar jingles as she leaps through the portal.

SOUND: The DOOR breaks down.

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

There he is!

VILLAGER 4

Get him!

MALPHOREUS

Catch you never, suckers!

SOUND: Portal closes.

VILLAGER RINGLEADER

That was rude.

INTRODUCTION:

NARRATOR

Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root!

'SCENE 3. EXT.' THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.

SOUND: Bianka is cooking breakfast over a fire and humming to herself.

NARRATOR

A few days have passed since we last saw our "heroes." Sir Rodney's rag-tag companions awaken at their camp. They believe all the whims of Fate have in store for them is a simple day of travel along the Kings Road toward Amaranthyne. But unlike his companions, Sir Rodney is wise. He knows better.

BIANKA

What in the Infernal Plane are you talking about, Bard?

BARD

You'll see...

SOUND: Portal.

Scene 3.2

MALPHOREUS

Greeting, Bianka.

BIANKA

(Surprised noise)

Gods!

SOUND: Portal closes.

MALPHOREUS

No god. It is I, Malphoreus the Deathless.

BIANKA

You can't just teleport up on people out of nowhere. You scared the crap outta me.

MALPHOREUS

My apologies. I spend so much of my time holed up in my castle, I have become unaware of the norms of modern society.

BIANKA

Don't worry about it. Just next time send a raven first so I know you're coming.

MALPHOREUS

As you wish.

BIANKA

Want some bacon? It's almost done.

MALPHOREUS

Thank you, but no. I am a vegetarian. For moral reasons, you understand.

However, as pleasant as casual conversing is, I have not broken the confines of space and time to discuss my dietary habits. I require your services.

BIANKA

That was fast.

MALPHOREUS

Necromancers do not adhere to the mundane passage of time. Some things require centuries, other mere moments.

BIANKA

You got in trouble, huh?

MALPHOREUS

Perhaps.

BIANKA

Don't worry about it, big guy. What do you need?

SOUND: Tent flap opening.

Scene 3.3

GILBERT

That smells really good, Bianka.

BIANKA

Thanks. I was getting tired of eating Feandyr's gruel, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.

FAENDYR

(from inside his tent)

You know I can hear you, right?

GILBERT

Oh. Malphoreus. Um, hello.

MALPHOREUS

Greeting, sir knight.

GILBERT

Hey- random question. You wouldn't happen to know, by any chance, if a person trapped inside an object can communicate, would you?

MALPHOREUS

Someone trapped inside of a root, perhaps?

GILBERT

Yes!

MALPHOREUS

No idea.

GILBERT

Oh. Okay. Nevermind.

BIANKA

You left your stick in the tent.

GILBERT

Yeah. I um, I have to go... you know. And I didn't want to bring him... it with me.

BIANKA

Okay?

GILBERT

Also, it's a root. Not a stick. Anyway. I'll be back.

SOUND: GILBERT WALKS AWAY

Scene 3.4

MALPHOREUS

In return for Snowball's aid in a delicate situation, I agreed to... some of her demands.

BIANKA

I'm not really in the bougie cat food game, but I know a guy.

MALPHOREUS

Oh. No. I've already taken care of that part. I also promised to reunite her with her Relic, which was taken from her more than a century ago. It's known as the Undying Collar.

BIANKA

Hold up. You want me to find and possibly steal an Unholy Relic?

MALPHOREUS

No, just steal. I know where it is. The elderly human Duchess Withershanks has it, at her estate of Briarthorne. It shouldn't be too difficult of a job for you, seeing as I've already done two thirds.

BIANKA

Stealing enchanted trinkets here and there on the side is one thing. But if it gets out that I gave an Unholy to a necromancer's demon...

MALPHOREUS

First off, I'm her necromancer, not the other way around.

And I doubt it houses enough power to be anything anyone will be worried about.

BIANKA

I'm afraid to ask, but what's she planning on doing with it?

MALPHOREUS

Returning to her demon form? Compelling the whole continent of Ilsylian to wait on her hand and foot? The usual.

BIANKA

I don't know, Mal...

MALPHOREUS

As loath as I am to use so crass a phrase, you do owe me.

BIANKA

All right... But it might have to wait if the rest of the Companions don't agree.

CUT TO:

'SCENE 4'. EXT. THE COMPANIONS' CAMP.

CAMILLA

Very well.

GILBERT

Sounds good to me.

COLIN

Oooooh! Fun.

FAENDYR

Yeah, whatever.

KEANU

Sure.

KEVIN

*squeak*

BIANKA

You're all seriously okay with this?

CAMILLA

Briarthorne estate is on our way to Amaranthyne. It isn't as if we will be going out of our way.

FAENDYR

I just want to sleep in a bed and eat some real food.

CAMILLA

Yes, I am looking forward to something other than your gruel for a change.

FAENDYR

At least I make food, which is more than you can say.

CAMILLA

If you can call it "food."

GILBERT

It's not that bad.

COLIN

What's a bed?

KEANU

You know. It's like... uh... where you sleep?

COLIN

You mean the ground?

BIANKA

I'm honestly shocked you guys don't have a problem stealing from a defenseless old woman to help a demon.

FAENDYR

Oh, I have a problem with that, but I figure I'd just ignore it in favor of spending a day or two at a cushy estate.

CAMILLA

Just put a pillow over any moral qualms until they stop struggling. That's what I do.

BIANKA

What about you, Sir Knight? Didn't you like, swear an oath to protect people or something?

GILBERT

Brairthorne is a part of a sovereign duchy, and not the kingdom of Kirkland. Technically my oath of protection doesn't extend to anyone living there.

BIANKA

You all are pretty horrifying sometimes, you know that?

MUSIC

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 5. EXT. ENTRANCE TO BRIARTHORNE ESTATE

SOUND: If this were visual, it would be a run-down, creepy looking estate. So, whatever that means, sound-wise.

BARD

After a day of travel, Sir Rodney and his Companions arrive at Briarthorne. Once the home of a proud and mighty family, the elderly Duchess Withershanks is all that remains of the previously indispensable line of nobles. Like its previous inhabitants, the once august estate is now crumbling and decayed. What perils will the Companions discover during their sojourn?

GILBERT

Do you know the Duchess, Camilla?

CAMILLA

Only by sight. It's been some years since she's been to the capital. She's very elderly.

FAENDYR

So, like, 60?

CAMILLA

One hundred and two.

FAENDYR

Wait, what?!

COLIN

She's almost as old as I am!

CAMILLA

Colin- you must be on your very best behavior. The Duchess is a strict and humorless woman.

BIANKA

Well. We're here.

SOUND: Maybe a crow cawing. Wind whistling, shutter rattling. Something to drive home how creepy this place is.

FAENDYR

It's... a lot creepier than I imagined.

KEANU

I bet there are like, ghosts and stuff.

FAENDYR

There's no such things as ghosts.

BIANKA

Only lost spirits who reanimate corpses and drink unicorns' blood.

KEANU

Oh, well, in that case...

CAMILLA

If you're all finished, I'd like to go indoors.

GILBERT

I'll get the door.

SOUND: KNOCKING.

BIANKA

Just so we're clear-- and I'm talking to you, Colin and Kevin-- we're not here to steal the Relic. Got it?

COLIN

Then why are we here?

KEANU

Yeah, I'm confused now.

BIANKA

Oh my gods.

SOUND: The door slowly creaks open.

RUPERT

(grumpy)

Hullo? Yes? Oh. What do you want?

GILBERT

Hail and well met, friend.

RUPERT

We are not friends.

GILBERT

S-sorry.

RUPERT

Well, get on with it, boy! What is it you want?

GILBERT

(thrown off)

I'm Sir Gilbert Wyvernguard. The Crown Princess of Kirkland and her retinue require your hospitality on our journey to Amaranthyne.

RUPERT

Why?

CAMILLA

I beg your pardon?

RUPERT

I said "why".

CAMILLA

No, I heard you. I was making sure that's what you wanted to say.

I'm the Crown Princess of Kirkland.

RUPERT

I know. And?

CAMILLA

(Getting flustered)

The laws of nobility demand that the Duchess extend her hospitality to any visiting nobles!

RUPERT

That's nice.

CAMILLA

Gil, do something.

COLIN

Don't worry my friends, I have this.

Hullo, good sir. I'm an orphan!

KEANU

Look at him. Look at how small and cute he is. You wouldn't turn him out into the cold, would you?

KEANU AND COLIN

Hmmmm?

RUPERT

I suppose I will rouse the Duchess from her afternoon slumber.

GILBERT

Thank you.

SOUND: He takes a step.

RUPERT

No. Stay here.

SOUND: The door slams.

BIANKA

Wow. Okay, I'm going to enjoy stealing that Relic out from under their smug noses.

KEANU

He's a reanimated corpse, right?

COLIN

Should we kill him?

GILBERT

No, Colin!

COLIN

But he's mean.

GILBERT

You can't just kill people because they're mean.

COLIN

Why not?

SOUND: The door creaks open again

RUPERT

The Duchess Withershanks.

SOUND: Building, scary music, cut off by-

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

(friendly, a kindly old lady)

Oh! Hellloooooooo!

COMPANIONS

(surprised)

Uh/ Hullo / Hi

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

How lovely! It's been so very long since I've had any visitors. I’m quite starved for company.

COLIN

We're not going to steal anything.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Of course you won't, you charming boy!

KEANU

Uhhh... I'm confused. I thought you were, like, mean?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Oh, Bartholomew! You jester.

KEANU

Oh, uhhhh. Yeah, no, I'm uh... Keanu?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Please, please come in! I'm sure you're all weary from your travels. My servants will prepare the east wing for you, so that you may wash up before your dinner.

GILBERT

Thank you, Duchess.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Rupert!

RUPERT

Very well. But I take no pleasure in it.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

And please let the kitchen know we have visitors for dinner.

RUPERT

Humph.

SOUND: He walks away.

Scene 5.4

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Don't mind Rupert, he is only in jest.

BIANKA

Yeah, he's a riot.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

I assume you all will be staying for a few days?

CAMILLA

That would be lovely, thank you Duchess.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Oh, no. It is an honor, I assure you. Please, come in.

KEANU

Uh... even me?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Bartholomew, is something wrong?

KEANU

I mean... shouldn’t I like, stay in the stables or something?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

The stables? Why would you ever stay there?

KEANU

I'm a horse?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

A horse! Oh ho! Your jests rival Rupert's! Come, come.

GILBERT

Thank you, Duchess.

SOUND: The companions ascend the stairs.

KEANU

Also stairs and I, like, don't get along?

GILBERT

Is that the Relic? Her necklace.

BIANKA

Yes. Shut up.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Do watch the door frame--

SOUND: THUMP

FAENDYR

Ow! Gods! Why are all the doorways so low in this country??

SOUND: Clumsy horse footsteps as Keanu tries to walk up the stairs.

KEANU

Hey, uh... don't wait for me.

SCENE 6. INT. BRIARTHORNE.

BARD

And so the Companions find themselves scrubbed clean and fresh, and prepare for their first real meal after suffering Faendyr's abysmal gruel for weeks.

FAENDYR

Hey.

BARD

Curiously, they find clean sets of clothes awaiting them in their prepared rooms.

GILBERT

Huh.

FAENDYR

Ohmygods, I think this is vintage! Look at the embroidery!

GILBERT

You don't think this is kind of... weird?

FAENDYR

Yeah. It's like impossible to find quality vintage mage robes. Most of them incinerate with their owners. Mages have a very high statistical rate of dying in a fire.

GILBERT

Not that. Wait, why do you wear robes, then? Isn't it dangerous, considering? Robes are very flammable.

FAENDYR

Oh, super dangerous. But fashion is more important than safety, obviously.

GILBERT

I meant no one knew we were coming, but they just happen to have extra clothing in our sizes?

FAENDYR

Huh.

SOUND: Gilbert pulls back the cover

FAENDYR

Why are you putting that stick under the covers?

GILBERT

It's Rodney, and I'm changing... I don't want him to see.

FAENDYR

Okay...?

SOUND: GILBERT takes off his shirt.

FAENDYR

Wow.

GILBERT

What?

FAENDYR

You're jacked.

GILBERT

I am a knight.

FAENDYR

Wow.

GILBERT

I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off my trousers now. 

FAENDYR

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

SOUND: Gil drops his trousers

FAENDYR

Oh my gods.

SCENE 7. BRIARTHORNE DINING ROOM.

SOUND: Sounds of utensils on plates.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Thank you, your majesty, for joining me for dinner.

CAMILLA

Thank you for your hospitality.

BIANKA

Dutchess, would you like some of the rolls?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Oh no. Just my soup for me.

BIANKA

What is that, tomato?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Mm. I trust your gowns fit?

CAMILLA

Yes, thank you. That was unexpected.

BIANKA

Yeah. I'm not used to wearing a dress, but thanks.

CAMILLA

You look lovely.

BIANKA

I clean up well.

CAMILLA

Yes, you do.

BIANKA

Thanks. You uh, look nice too.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Your skins have such a lovely flush to them.

BIANKA

Uh...

CAMILLA

Pardon?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

I hope it was all right to have Sir Gilbert and Master Faendyr together in one room, and you two in the other.

CAMILLA

Oh, yes.

BIANKA

Yeah, yeah. Great.

CAMILLA

I'm sure Gil and Faendyr don't mind either.

BIANKA

Speaking of, where are they?

SOUND: Door opening.

Scene 7.2

FAENDYR

Sorry we're late. Someone didn't want to put on his trousers.

COLIN

Curse you, leg prisons!

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Oh, no problem at all. Rupert! Bring them fresh plates, please.

RUPERT

Humph.

SOUND: They pull out their chairs and sit.

GILBERT

That's a very lovely necklace, Duchess.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Oh, this old thing? Thank you.

GILBERT

Where did you get it?

SOUND: Bianka kicks him.

GILBERT

Ow! Bianka, why did you kick me?

RUPERT

Your food, gentlemen.

SOUND: Rupert drops plates on the table.

GILBERT

Thanks?

FAENDYR

Um, rude.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

My necklace was a gift from a paramour of mine, many years ago. She was a very talented mage from the Mages College.

CAMILLA

It's lovely.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

I keep it in her memory. She was tragically incinerated when her robes caught fire.

GILBERT

Oh.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

I never take it off, so that she is always with me.

BIANKA

That's great.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Even when I sleep, I still wear it.

BIANKA

Just great.

Awkward pause.

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

You should try some of this wonderful soup, Rupert. Very full bodied. It might put some blood back into those sallow cheeks.

RUPERT

Humph.

GILBERT

The dinner is lovely.

COLIN

(chewing)

Is this human?

CAMILLA

Colin!

GILBERT

Um. Colin? Have you eaten human before?

COLIN

I don't know. What does human taste like?

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Like chicken.

SOUND: Fork dropping

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

Anyone for dessert?

COMPANIONS

Oh no no / I'm good / No thanks

DUCHESS WITHERSHANKS

It is most unfortunate Bartholomew couldn't join us.

'SCENE 8. EXT. 'ENTRANCE TO THE BRIARTHORNE ESTATE

KEVIN

*squeak*

KEANU

Oh, hey Kevin. Yep, I'm still here. Stairs are... hard.

KEVIN

*squeak*

KEANU

I know you just put one hoof in front of the other, but that's easier said than done, ya know...

KEVIN

*squeak*

KEANU

Okay. I'll try. But don't laugh, okay?

SOUND: He steps. Steps again. One more.

KEVIN

*excited squeak*

KEANU

Oh man!

SOUND: He falls down the stairs.

KEANU

Back to square one.

'SCENE 9. INT. BRIA'RTHORNE.

BARD

After dining with their senile host, the companions plot their next move in their private east wing.

BIANKA

Since she says she never takes it off, I'll have to steal it while she's sleeping.

CAMILLA

You don't think she'll realize it was us?

BIANKA

I'll pin it on Rupert... Unless you have a problem with that.

ALL

Nope. No. *squeak*

COLIN

He's an ass!

GILBERT

Where did you hear that word?

COLIN

From Faendyr!

FAENDYR

What? He is.

GILBERT

Wait. Are you all thinking what I'm thinking?

COLIN

Rupert is a butt and we should put gruel in his shoes?

GILBERT

No, Colin!

CAMILLA

Don't call someone a butt. It's plebeian.

COLIN

May I call him a posterior?

CAMILLA

Yes, you may.

GILBERT

No, you may not!

My point was: the Duchess is one hundred and two. And she's wearing a necklace called the Undying Collar.

COLIN

Yes. Yes. I see.

... And?

CAMILLA

The necklace is keeping her alive.

COLIN

Ooooooooooh.

GILBERT

And if we take it off of her, she may die.

BIANKA

I don't think it's a "may" if she's one hundred and two. I think that's a "definitely will".

GILBERT

We'll essentially be murdering her. Are you okay with that?

BIANKA

Yes. But, I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone...

FAENDYR

I'm really just here for the food?

COLIN

The meat was dry. As our host, she bears the responsibility, and deserves to die.

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

Camilla? Surely you have qualms about causing the death of a noble.

CAMILLA

Upon her death her duchy will become a part of Kirkland.

GILBERT

Well, I don't like this.

BIANKA

You said your protection doesn't extend to her estate.

GILBERT

That doesn't mean I'm okay with killing her!

FAENDYR

Gil, you technically kill people for a living.

GILBERT

As a last resort! And for, you know, reasons!

CAMILLA

Reasons, such as chickens?

GILBERT

You leave The Chicken Affair out of this.

BIANKA

Well, we'll just hope she only dies as a last resort.

GILBERT

Oh my gods.

KEVIN

*squeak squeak*

COLIN

Kevin would like to add that she has lived long beyond the normal lifespan of a human. If anything, we will be righting the natural course of things.

BIANKA

That is a very good point, Kevin.

KEVIN

*squeak*

BIANKA

You're welcome.

GILBERT

I'm not going to stop you from doing your job, Bianka. And as one of the Companions, I will help you however I can. But I won't have a hand in her death.

BIANKA

That's fair.

FAENDYR

So, what's the plan?

BIANKA

I think you should all get a good night's sleep. I'm just going to get the lay of the land, so to speak. Don't worry about it.

GILBERT

Are you sure?

BIANKA

I've been doing this for years, Gil. I know what I'm doing.

SCENE 10. INT. BRIARTHORNE.

KEANU

Okay, Keanu. You made it inside. Just need to find your friends. I bet they're up these... stairs. Oh boy.

SCENE 11. INT. BRIARTHORNE.

SOUND: Door opens, closes.

GILBERT

Colin's asleep.

FAENDYR

That took long enough.

GILBERT

He's not used to sleeping in a bed. I had to tell him the story of Saint Goat three times before he passed out.

Oh. That's... uh. That's a nice night-robe.

FAENDYR

This old thing?

GILBERT

It's very... lacy.

FAENDYR

Yes. It is.

GILBERT

Um. There's only one bed.

FAENDYR

Huh.

GILBERT

It's okay. Maybe I'll sleep with Colin.

FAENDYR

You don't want to do that, trust me. Kid kicks like a mule... We could share the bed.

GILBERT

Okay. Just let me change into my nightclothes.

SOUND: GIL takes off his shirt

FAENDYR

(sexy)

Oooh. What are those scars from?

GILBERT

Um... stab wound... stab wound... um I think this one's an arrow. Stab wound. This was a chicken.

Uh, stab wound... and these are from my top surgery.

FAENDYR

Top surgery?

GILBERT

I’m trans.

FAENDYR

Oh?

GILBERT

I understand if that changes

things—-

FAENDYR

Of course it doesn't.

GILBERT

(relieved)

Good.

FAENDYR

You’re still the hottest man I’ve ever laid eyes on... which is saying a lot coming from me.

GILBERT

Thanks. Well, um, on that note...

SOUND: Bed squeaks as he gets in.

FAENDYR

This is... cozy.

GILBERT

'Night, Faendyr.

FAENDYR

'Night.

Pause.

GILBERT

Wait. I just remembered elves don't need to sleep.

FAENDYR

I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to remember that.

GILBERT

Would you like to... do something else, then? Unless I’ve been completely misreading this entire situation, which is always a possibility.

FAENDYR

(he kisses him)

That answer your question?

SOUND: they kiss

GILBERT

Wait. Hold on a sec.

SOUND: bed squeaks as he get up.

FAENDYR

It's fine we can take our time... What are you doing?

SOUND: He opens a trunk

GILBERT

I uh, gotta put Rodney somewhere.

SOUND: Trunk closes.

FAENDYR

You closed him in a trunk?

GILBERT

Yep. Long story.

SOUND: he gets back on the bed

GILBERT

Now. Where were we.

'SCENE 12. INT. BRIARTHORNE'. HALLWAY.

SOUND: Door opens. Colin tiptoes through the hallway.

COLIN

Shhh, Kevin. We need to be very quiet!

KEVIN

*quiet squeak*

COLIN

Oh! Keanu! There you are!

KEANU

Oh hey, lil man.

COLIN

You're supposed to share my room. What are you doing on the stairs?

KEANU

Uhhh. Just hangin' out. What are you doing out of bed?

COLIN

Kevin and I are hungry.

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

We're looking for the pantry. The wall mice told Kevin where it is.

KEANU

Cool cool cool.

COLIN

You wanna come with?

KEANU

Uhhhh... I'll just stay here. But could you bring me something?

COLIN

What would you like?

KEANU

Uh. Surprise me!

COLIN

Sure thing, buddy! We'll be back.

SOUND: He skips down the stairs.

KEANU

It's okay. It's just the dark, Keanu. And you're just stuck in the middle of a flight of stairs. It's not like a vampire is going to come and try to eat you.

Oh gods, why did I say that??

SCENE 13. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.

SOUND: A door quietly opens. Soft footsteps.

BIANKA

Alright, Duchess...

SOUND: LOCKPICK

SOUND: A RAVEN MATERIALIZES, caws.

BIANKA

What in the--?

SOUND: A PORTAL OPENS

MALPHOREUS

I sent a raven first, as you requested.

BIANKA

Shhh! And that wasn't what I meant, but thanks, I guess.

How did you find me?

MALPHOREUS

I have my ways. Did you read its message?

BIANKA

It showed up like half a second before you did.

MALPHOREUS

But did you read it?

BIANKA

No. What's up?

SCENE 14. INT. BRIARTHORNE. PANTRY.

COLIN

Ah ha! The pantry! After you.

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

Very well, if you insist.

SOUND: Door opening.

KEVIN

*worried squeak*

COLIN

Oooooooh! This isn't a normal pantry... Why are there piles of clothes in here? And skeletons?

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

You're right, Gil will know what to do! ... do you still want some food though?

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

Good. Me too. We'll tell him in a minute.

'SCENE 15. INT.' BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.

BIANKA

Wait, what?

MALPHOREUS

The Duchess of Withershanks died many years ago.

BIANKA

Are you sure, Mal?

MALPHOREUS

As sure as I may be, considering our reality may be but the imagination of another.

BIANKA

Okay?

MALPHOREUS

I spoke to her spirit in the Netherplane. She was, as I believe you centennials say, a "binch".

BIANKA

So, whoever... or whatever that is, it's not the real Duchess.

MALPHOREUS

Clearly, yet it has taken on her physical form.

What do you plan to do?

BIANKA

I mean, I'm still gonna steal the Relic.

MALPHOREUS

Very well. I just wanted you to be aware of all of the factors in your quest. I would hate for anything to happen to you.

BIANKA

Aw, you care.

MALPHOREUS

It's just that it would take a lot of time for me to find a new thief who doesn't mind stealing strange arcane objects. And ironically as someone called "the Deathless", time is something that I am rather short on.

BIANKA

Thanks, Big Guy.

SOUND: PORTAL OPENING.

MALPHOREUS

Well. Don't die.

BIANKA

That's the plan.

SOUND: Raven caws.

BIANKA

Do you want your raven?

MALPHOREUS

No.

SOUND: PORTAL CLOSES.

SOUND: RAVEN caws.

BIANKA

Um. Hey.

Well.

SOUND: LOCKPICKING. Door opens.

BIANKA

Alright, let's see...

SOUND: The duchess' snoring. Bianka's quiet footsteps.

BIANKA

Well. I'm here. Might as well...

And, um, sorry if you die. You seemed like a nice enough old lady, even if you stole someone's body. I'm sure you had reasons. Even if they were morally ambiguous. I mean, what's right and what's wrong is kind of blurry, right?

Look at me, monologuing to the old lady I'm probably about to kill. I'm getting soft.

SOUND: She unclasps the necklace. A disconcerting hum.

BIANKA

That was too easy.

SOUND: A magic spell. The bed creaks as the duchess grows in size. The snores turn monstrous.

BIANKA

Oh. Oh wow. That's... not what I was expecting... Yikes. This might be a problem...

'SCENE 16'. INT. GIL AND FAENDYR'S ROOM.

SOUND: Knocking.

BIANKA

(other side of the door)

Guys? Guys! Wake up! ... Ugh.

SOUND: Lockpick. Door opens.

BIANKA

(now in the room)

Guys. Wake up.

GILBERT AND FAENDYR

*startled noises*

BIANKA

Looks like you had a fun evening.

FAENDYR

Shut up.

CAMILLA

(walking in)

What's going on?

BIANKA

So, good news, bad news.

Good news, I have the relic.

GILBERT

This couldn't have waited until morning?

BIANKA

Bad news, it appears that the Duchess is actually a vampire.

GILBERT

Wait, what?

BIANKA

I should say, a vampire is posing as the Duchess. Because as soon as I took off the Relic, it was clearly someone else.

CAMILLA

I beg your pardon?

SOUND: Colin arrives

COLIN

Oh, are we all sleeping in here?

GILBERT

What are you doing out of bed?

COLIN

I have a question?

FAENDYR

Oh my gods.

COLIN

I think it's important?

GILBERT

(sigh)

What is it, Colin?

COLIN

Is it normal for humans to keep skeletons and piles of clothing in their pantries?

GILBERT

No...?

COLIN

Okay, I wasn't sure. 'Cos it's normal for faeries but I don't remember my human parents doing that.

FAENDYR

Um, could you elaborate?

COLIN

Well, my mum usually kept cheese and potatoes--

FAENDYR

No, Colin, about the skeletons.

COLIN

Oh. Well, Kevin was more interested in them than I was. I was looking for food.

KEVIN

*squeak*

COLIN

He says the skeletons go back many years, and there are lots of them.

CAMILLA

It would appear--

BIANKA

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just have to tell someone or I'm going to die.

I saw its... you know.

FAENDYR

Oh?

BIANKA

It was one of those ugly, gross vampires though. So.

FAENDYR

Ew.

BIANKA

What I'm saying is, I saw its ding-dong.

GILBERT

Yes, we understood, thanks!

BIANKA

It was... hard to miss.

FAENDYR

Ew!

COLIN

What's a "ding-dong"?

GILBERT

Oh my gods...

FAENDYR

Its uh, "member".

COLIN

Oooooh. What's it a member of?

CAMILLA

I'm staying out of this.

COLIN

It's a member of what? What guild is it a part of??

FAENDYR

No. Its male uh... part?

COLIN

Ooooh! You mean its wenis!

GILBERT

(dying)

Oh my gods...!

COLIN

You could have just said "wenis". I'm not a baby; I know what a wenis is!

FAENDYR

This is your fault.

BIANKA

What did I do?

FAENDYR

You said "ding-dong"!

BIANKA

Yeah, well, you said "member"!

CAMILLA

Please! We need to focus! And if I am forced to hear another euphemism for male genitalia, I will stab someone.

FAENDYR

Will you thrust a sword into them? ... What? I was just asking.

CAMILLA

As I was going to say, the vampire must have taken the Duchess' life. It used the relic to maintain an illusion spell, and assumed her place. Then it preyed on travelers who came by on their way to Amaranthyne looking for hospitality.

FAENDYR

It explains our clothes too.

ALL

Ew...! Oh my gods

(etc)

FAENDYR

I dunno, those robes look good, so. Whatever.

COLIN

It took her life?

GILBERT

Do you understand what that means, Colin?

COLIN

Yes.

(beat)

Where did it take it?

FAENDYR

Oh my gods.

COLIN

Should we find it and give it back to her?

SOUND: MONSTROUS SCREECHING further down the hallway.

BIANKA

That doesn't sound good.

SOUND: KEANU screams from the same location.

COLIN

Keanu is in trouble!

GILBERT

Where is he?

COLIN

On the stairs!

FAENDYR

Can we get dressed first? No? Okay.

SOUND: The companions run down the hall.

FAENDYR

I mean, I get this is a situation, but we're all wearing night clothes. And I'm wearing a negligee.

CAMILLA

Shut up.

FAENDYR

Maybe the vampire will die from laughing...

BIANKA

No, you look good.

'SCENE 17'. INT. BRIARTHORNE HALLWAY.

COLIN

Keanu!

KEANU

Hey guys! Uh... is that a vampire?

BIANKA

Yeah, it is!

KEANU

Okay. Cool cool cool. It looks like it's hungry.

SOUND: The vampire hisses.

GILBERT

Keanu, I think you should run.

KEANU

Yeah, I think I should too, but I forget how stairs work? And also my legs.

CAMILLA

I have a plan. Gil, ready your sword.

FAENDYR

*snorts*

CAMILLA

I will kill you with my bare hands.

FAENDYR

I didn't say anything!

CAMILLA

On my word, you cast a spell of light.

FAENDYR

Okay?

CAMILLA

Vampires don't see well in bright light.

BIANKA

He'll still be able to smell us, though.

CAMILLA

I have a plan for that too.

FAENDYR

Wait... why do you have a bowl of my gruel?

CAMILLA

Ready?

SOUND: Gil draws his sword.

BIANKA

Hey, assbutt!

COLIN

Awww she said ass AND butt!

BIANKA

I'm allowed to!

KEANU

Hi vampire, please ignore me! I'm just a unicorn! Unicorns don't have blood! I don't think...

BIANKA

Looking for this?

SOUND: Bianka jiggles the necklace. A disconcerting hum.

VAMPIRE

That's mine, dwarf!

BIANKA

Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? ... By the way you look really cute in those old lady pjs.

VAMPIRE

*screech*

CAMILLA

Faendyr! Now!

FAENDYR

Lumen!

SOUND: A sound of a bright light being cast.

VAMPIRE

*painful screech*

FAENDYR

Kinda hard to see now, huh?

VAMPIRE

You fools! I don't need to see to kill you- I can smell your blood!

CAMILLA

Not after this... Catch!

SOUND: Camilla throws a bowl of gruel. It hits the face of the vampire, and splatters on the floor.

KEANU

Nice! Right in the face!

COLIN

Oooooh!

VAMPIRE

What is that horrible smell?!

CAMILLA

Gil! Quickly! Its head!

SOUND: Gil cuts off its head. It screeches and dies.

GILBERT

It's dead.

BIANKA

Kinda hard to not be, considering it's head isn't attached anymore.

COLIN

Yay!

CAMILLA

Oh thank the gods.

FAENDYR

That was so hot, Gil.

Phew, I need a drink. Anybody else need a drink?

BIANKA

You killed her.

GILBERT

What?

BIANKA

You killed the Duchess Withershanks, Gil! After you swore she would not die by your hand!

COLIN

Ooooh! He did! You killed her, Gil! You murdered her!

SOUND: Rupert runs up

RUPERT

What in the infernal plane is going on-- my gods!

GILBERT

We can explain...

RUPERT

You've killed it. Thank the gods. We're free!

FAENDYR

Wait, you knew?

RUPERT

The Duchess hadn't been herself for some time. She had ceased beating the servants for every minor infraction. I assumed it was just her mind failing her in her advanced age.

Then, a few years ago, I saw the pantry.

COLIN

The skeletons?

RUPERT

They weren't skeletons at the time.

ALL

Ew.

RUPERT

I recognized the clothing as having belonged to previous guests. And they were clearly drained of all of their blood.

COLIN

Oooooh!

RUPERT

That vampire told me all the servants and I would... end up in the pantry too, unless I kept my knowledge to myself.

I tried to be as rude as possible to any guests so they would quickly leave of their own accord.

COMPANIONS

Ohhhhhh.

COLIN

You might want to check your shoes before you put them on.

RUPERT

I cannot thank you enough for freeing the duchy, and saving the lives of other travelers.

BIANKA

That was why we came.

KENAU

It was? I thought we were here to--

COMPANIONS (NOT COLIN)

NO KEANU.

SOUND: Portal.

MALPHOREUS

Greetings.

BIANKA

Don't worry, Rupert. He's with us. Here ya go, big guy.

SOUND: Necklace being handed over, disconcerting hum.

MALPHOREUS

Thank you. And I apologize that this ended up being more dangerous than I anticipated.

SOUND: Malphoreus puts it away.

FAENDYR

I'm just glad we ended up murdering a vampire and not an old lady.

RUPERT

Pardon?

MALPHOREUS

Snowball sends her thanks. Or she would, if she understood the concept of gratitude, that is.

BIANKA

Tell her to have mercy on us when she takes over the universe!

MALPHOREUS

I'm sure she won't. Nonetheless, I will pass on your request... Oh! Is that a vampire corpse?

GILBERT

Yeah.

MALPHOREUS

Do you all want that body?

ALL

No, no.

COLIN

I do.

GILBERT

No, Colin.

MALPHOREUS

I'll gladly take it off your hands... if you're certain you don't want it.

RUPERT

Please.

SOUND: Body dragging.

MALPHOREUS

Yes. Well. Farewell.

SOUND: He portals away.

RUPERT

Again, you have our deepest gratitude.

The only problem remaining is figuring out who will lead the duchy. All of the Duchess' relatives died out a long time ago. She was the end of her line.

CAMILLA

Not quite. The Withershanks descended from Lord Kirk's youngest daughter. My father, King Alfred is her 5th cousin, twice removed.

Congratulations, you are now part of the Kingdom of Kirkland. As such, I am your Crown Princess, and someday Queen. It is a great honor for you.

RUPERT

Uh.

CAMILLA

Someone will be along later this year to collect tribute.

RUPERT

Wonderful.

FAENDYR

Congrats.

BARD

After a peaceful night's sleep, their souls untroubled by their crime--

GILBERT

It wasn't... it was a vampire!!

BARD

The grateful servants fill the Companions' bags with delicious provisions so they will no longer suffer the indignity of Faendyr's gruel--

FAENDYR

I'm ignoring you from now on.

BARD

They return to their journey to Amaranthyne. What perils will they encounter? What other old ladies will they slay?

GILBERT

I didn't... ugh.

BARD

Will they procure the Hungering Band, their final relic? Find out next time on THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT!

CREDITS

BLOOPER

MICHAEL

(as Keanu)

Back to square one..... Back to stair one.

(Silver, Bridgette and Lena laugh)

LENA

Oh no.

END EPISODE

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